Have you ever caught yourself wondering how the spark you once had with your partner could disappear so fast? Stephen Mitchell, PhD and Erin Mitchell, MACP discuss how the "little" moments of everyday parenting life can lead to disconnection, and how these "little" moments can also be what keeps you connected.
Have you ever caught yourself wondering how the spark you once had with your partner could disappear so fast? Stephen Mitchell, PhD and Erin Mitchell, MACP discuss how the "little" moments of everyday parenting life can lead to disconnection, and how these "little" moments can also be what keeps you connected.
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Speaker 2:Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents. A show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Pure Parents Our dad, Dr Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, Erin Mitchell.
Speaker 1:Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and on today's show we want to talk about what you and your partner can do when you are feeling disconnection in your relationship. What, why do you laugh?
Speaker 3:I was going to make a joke about, but no one's feeling disconnected.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's true, but that's so uncommon. But then I was like, oh, it's just of course it's such a reality of being a couple and being parents, this feeling of being disconnected. Couples are purposefully trying to not be connected or they're like anything other than just the day-to-day life that goes on as parenting partners and how that leads to disconnection.
Speaker 3:Okay, I think we need to talk more about that, but let's do it because-.
Speaker 1:Let me read. You want me to read the case example, and then we can-.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because I'm just going to say what we can continue on because I'm worried I'll lose the thought. But I think it does feel to a lot of partners like their partner is trying to be disconnected. That their partner isn't trying to do the things that would make them feel connected.
Speaker 1:Ah, okay, all right, which feels intentional? Okay, so let's get into the case example, and then we'll expand on that thought.
Speaker 3:There are other thoughts too, but yes, Excellent.
Speaker 1:Okay, so here's the case example. Let me get to it. Here we are. So Todd and Ahmad have been together for eight years and have two kids, and if you ask both of them, they would say they have a strong, close relationship. They enjoy being together, love their role as parents and feel mostly positive about their relationship. All this being said, they would also say that right now in their relationship, they feel disconnected. Neither one of them really even knows why. They have a good foundation, they have a good history of loving one another and feeling close, but presently they just feel distant. No one has really quote unquote done anything that would be an easy identifier as a reason for their disconnection. They just feel off. It's not like it used to be.
Speaker 1:Yes, they both feel like since becoming parents, their relationship has changed in all the ways.
Speaker 1:Kids change a relationship, but they in no way regret this change.
Speaker 1:It's just little things that seem to keep them from feeling as close as they used to.
Speaker 1:Little things like falling asleep with one of the kids at night instead of staying up and spending some time together, or when they both get home from work at the end of the day, focusing more on connecting with the kids and making sure the family reunification is positive and not having any rituals for their couple reunification or moments where one of them gets overwhelmed and interacts with the kids in a way.
Speaker 1:That is less than ideal and even though the interaction is resolved with the kids, not feeling like it's resolved between the two of them, and all these little micro moments don't seem like a big deal in the moment and many times just happen and then are moved past. Yet later, after the fact, these micro moments start adding up and both Todd and Ahmad find they are frustrated with each other or feel distant. For both of them it can feel silly to bring these things up, and it's not uncommon. If one of them does, the other becomes defensive and tries to brush the concern aside. The net effect of this pattern is Todd and Ahmad know they love each other, but they don't feel connected or close.
Speaker 3:I think that's really good.
Speaker 1:The life of every parenting partner who's ever been. Yeah, wait, don't put it down, I need to see it.
Speaker 3:So I think, yeah, I think there's so many things I loved. I wrote some of the little words down and, honestly, what they are little like, these little things and these micro moments, and mostly positive, and we don't know why.
Speaker 1:It could feel silly to bring it up.
Speaker 3:Well, you don't even know what to bring up. So I think these are the things we hear from couples all of the time and couples we're working with.
Speaker 1:We've never experienced them, though.
Speaker 3:This is what we're saying to each other all of the time.
Speaker 1:This doesn't happen for us.
Speaker 3:No, I think, and I think that that's exactly the thing, but so I think. So by the time that this couple sees us, they I don't think couples seek out this they I don't think couples seek out. It is very uncommon for a couple to seek out working with us or, I think, working with someone else. Because of this feeling. I don't think this feels like a big enough deal.
Speaker 1:It's gotten a little more crusty by the time they come and see us is what.
Speaker 3:I would say that's graphic.
Speaker 1:This, this, like this generalized feeling of distance or disconnection, most couples still are like oh, you know, it's just a phase. It's a stage, we'll figure it out. And it begins to feel like wait a second, you're not doing work to help us not feel disconnected or to not feel distant. And then this is where the crustification that's a real word.
Speaker 3:I was just going to say that's a word that.
Speaker 1:I made up begins to happen. And then this is when couples come to see us and they're pretty tired, they're pretty hurt, they're pretty resentful and they're pretty confused. I would say about, like man, what happened to our relationship.
Speaker 3:So I think the other part that I think is worth mentioning is that in the beginning they both said we enjoy being together, we love being parents and mostly we feel positive about a relationship. And because I do think people would say that but also like, really, Because all of those things are true, but like one or ten layers beneath, that is like I don't really feel close to you.
Speaker 2:I don't.
Speaker 3:I like you. I definitely still want to be with you. I wish we felt closer, but I don't. I don't feel connected to you. I don't feel like you really want to feel any more connected than we are.
Speaker 1:So so what? Um, because I, I I'm thinking, you know, oh, so so you know, people would be like, well, you just need some time together.
Speaker 3:You know you need some date nights.
Speaker 1:You need some um, um, regularly scheduled moments where um you know you're you're focusing on your couple relationship and all of that. Hey, that's great, super positive, do that? I think that's a good idea.
Speaker 3:Well, I think those can be good ideas. Yeah, yeah, I don't think they necessarily.
Speaker 1:But what would you say? The thing is Like what's the issue there? Okay, so what's the thing our kids say? The thing is Like what's the issue?
Speaker 3:there, okay. So what's the thing our kids say in the beginning? How they work, why they don't?
Speaker 1:And what you can do to fix what's broken.
Speaker 3:So I didn't remember the order. So how they work, I think it's all the words that I wrote down, that I liked Like this is what connects for me about how a relationship works it is the little things. It is the little things. It is the little things that connect us. And it is also the little things that disconnect us.
Speaker 1:So how? Let's just pause, because that's deep. Everyone take that in. It's the little things that connect us. And it's the little things that disconnect us. Quotes Aaron Mitchell.
Speaker 2:Thank you All right.
Speaker 3:But it's also the little things that fix what's broken.
Speaker 1:Oh man, I didn't have that in the quote.
Speaker 3:I know because you didn't let me finish Dang it.
Speaker 1:I'm so sorry Shoot.
Speaker 3:So I think how it works is different for each couple. I think it's different for each individual. So I think that you are a person who likes time. Individual. So I think that you are a person who likes time.
Speaker 3:You're a person who, like, if I'm like, hey, steven, guess what I did? I carved out three hours on Friday night or whatever it's Sunday brunch, doesn't really matter when, and it's going to be just you and me and we're going to go do this thing or we're going, I mean, for you it would be like we're going to dinner and you'd be like I am excited, loved, I feel cared for, I will look forward to that time and we may not speak again until that time.
Speaker 1:Right, because you're like, yeah, well, we'll do, we'll talk, then yeah, um and that does.
Speaker 3:That is nice for me. I, if you said all of those things to me, I'd be like oh, that was thoughtful. That does not feel connective to me. For me, I want to like wake up in the morning and have you like see me and feel like you're excited that I live in the same house as you.
Speaker 3:Good morning, yeah, it's gonna be a great day kind of like, um, yeah and then, similarly, I think, especially for parents, that this is one of those things where so if just working with this, I've made a dinner reservation for us, example, if you said to me hey, aaron, I made a dinner reservation for us and you wanted that to be significant, and that is obviously you trying to make a movement of like, hey, I miss you. I want to connect with you. But I feel like from now until then, I am drowning under the weight of an unequal load of parenting, household work, imbalance.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm not trying to connect to you in quote, unquote little ways like throughout.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, right, because those aren't little things yeah, yeah, yeah and it's like well, excuse me if I don't show up this dinner is gonna be awesome overjoyed for time with you and like give you this big pat on the back because we've got time, but like I'm drowning the other six days of the week, that's not gonna work out for me, you know like yeah, well, well, I think, I think that's how they don't, I think. Think how they do work is couples Just for me to close.
Speaker 1:So why this becomes a thing is because Disconnection. Yeah, why this disconnection happens is because there's sort of a stacking up of the little micro moments where connection could happen but doesn't happen. Big moments, or these big things of hey, let's take a trip or hey, let's have a dinner it doesn't fill that space, yeah they feel like gestures.
Speaker 3:At that point, Nice Welcome gestures. I mean I doubt anybody's going to be like, no, thank you, I don't want a trip.
Speaker 2:No, let's do that but also.
Speaker 3:No, that doesn't fill quite the chasm that feels like the other 360 days of the year.
Speaker 1:So in the case example we were talking, you know, todd and Ahmad, there's these little things like these little things like when they come home from work they understand it. I mean it's hard for this not to happen. It's like focusing on the kids and getting you know them settled and helping them feel re, you know, kind of reunified with the family, but a mess with each other or seeing a partner.
Speaker 3:Wait, I want to pause on that one because I think that that is one of the most interesting, potentially misunderstood parts for a lot of couples, I think a lot would be one you would Well, I think it's worth talking about because I think a lot of partners feel like we spend too much time with our kids. I think there's a way to be together as an entire family and still connecting as a couple.
Speaker 1:Yes, I agree.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I know you do, but I think that it gets misrepresented a lot of times.
Speaker 1:Like you just need time away from your kids so you can connect as a couple.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and maybe you do. I'm not trying to say you don't need that or you do need that. I'm just saying that I think that a lot of times what we hear from one partner is their only priority is our kid. I think that that can be a shared thing.
Speaker 3:I think we can find couple time even in the midst of being with our kids so I, I just want to make sure we're not trying to paint this picture of if you're always with your kids, your couple relationship's gonna suffer right, I don't right, right, right, yeah, yeah I.
Speaker 1:I don't want to say that either, so so, these can be hard. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah so so there's these moments of disconnection that are happening, these little moments that are adding up Um and uh, like I. I I'm just thinking like, how do, how does a couple first of all be aware of the little moments, in terms of the opportunities, but then also the moments missed, so that they can also repair those moments that maybe have been, so they can take the opportunities and repair the moments that have been missed, so that the general feeling of the relationship is we're both trying to be mindful of being connected and we're both working towards that. We're both, you know, trying here.
Speaker 3:Yeah, is that?
Speaker 1:that's a question.
Speaker 3:Okay, well, so I think that those moments are different for each partner. I think very rarely do we talk to a couple where it's like we connect and feel like close and, like their partner's, been intentional towards us in the same way.
Speaker 3:So, I think, especially again as parents, we default back to old ways of being and just sort of like trying to make it through the day and we kind of forget, not kind of forget, not kind of. We forget or deprioritize movements, little movements towards ourselves and our partner. So I think it's getting really clear not critical, but clear about like Ooh, I like that.
Speaker 1:Get clear, not critical. That's another quote. I like that's a great phrase. I love that. Yeah, that feels so helpful to me. Get clear, not critical.
Speaker 3:Because I think the difference is is I can go through a day and I could say, if I got to choose our family for myself, with me being the center of of the, the subject of this storyline. This is how my dream day would be feeling like we were connected as a family. We would wake up, me and Stephen, we would have a moment. I would see him look at me and be like hey, you live here, I'm excited about you, we were together.
Speaker 1:This is all very true, everyone.
Speaker 3:Me too, and then I would feel fine to go and do all the stuff that has to happen for the next 45 minutes.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, what.
Speaker 1:I thought when you said I'd be fine to go and do all the stuff that has to happen, you were referring to the whole day and I was like wait, wait, wait. No, that doesn't feel true.
Speaker 3:But you said, for yeah, that feels so like I don't need to like and I think this is the misrepresentation I think steven would be like aaron would like to get our kids ready for the day. Holding hands never, ever not be. No, I know that you don't really mean that, but like I feel like that's what it can sound like I'm looking for and that's not what I mean, like I'm probably not going to talk to you for the next couple hours if I'm being I mean like really talk to you we're definitely going to be like where's the box, where's that bag?
Speaker 3:right what's the thing? Um? But in terms of like, I feel like we've started out and it's like, okay, we're a team, all right, break, we go do this and we knock some stuff out.
Speaker 1:I do stuff, you do stuff but I, but I think, within that also it's like you've acknowledged me, you've noticed yes you're, you're excited about. Like me as a person, I think that that's a real part of it, at least as I understand what as we've had this conversation what you've communicated.
Speaker 3:Yeah, for me it's like the day is going to be stressful. There's no way around that, which doesn't mean bad, it just means like, whew, there's going to be a lot coming our way, but we're going to do this as a team. Go, you do your stuff, I'll do mine. And then you know, probably throughout the day, that I was telling one of our kids this yesterday we were on a walk and I was like you know, I've noticed that dad's really trying to make me feel like he's paying attention to me. He sent me several texts today, like I think two, which is a few, maybe a lot for me. Yeah, about, like hey, just checking on you.
Speaker 2:How's the day Like?
Speaker 3:that's meaningful to me. Um, and I'm like it's been pretty great, thanks. Like I'm not again, I'm not looking for like. Let's like dissect our feelings in the middle of our work days.
Speaker 1:Right, Well, and you're not a needy person and it's not like you know you need to be.
Speaker 3:I thought of you, I remembered we're together, right, how are you?
Speaker 1:These are the little things that help you feel connected or or even to to kind of you know you, you were on a walk with one of our kids, you know to do something like hey, like hey, I saw you were on a walk with them. Like how did it go? Like what? What did y'all talk about? Like to kind of show like an interest in your life and what you're doing and that what you're doing is important and special and you know all that kind of stuff is really.
Speaker 1:It's noticing you as a person, but also noticing you as a mom and also noticing, like, the work you're doing and all those other things.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and then I think so. When we all come back together at the end of the day, I think and this is another one of those examples where I do feel like couples our relationship can be enhanced, even with our kids around, because one of the things that endears me to you most I mean honestly, at this point in our life most is when you are like out there kicking a soccer ball. We have some very soccer focused kids right now and like I love that. I'm like I think that this is sweet and good and it does my soul good.
Speaker 1:When I'm present.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I feel like you're like, engaged and it doesn't have to just be with me, right.
Speaker 1:But like, but with them, yeah, yeah, and, and so I, I, I think that this is what is is really important is, first of all, to have these conversations and to know what these things are.
Speaker 3:So so, for me, I'm, I'm, what I'm trying to be in that moment is clear and not like critical. Yes.
Speaker 1:And and we have had these clear, not critical, conversations, and we've had these critical and unclear conversations, Absolutely, you know so. So this is, you know, part of the practice and part of the work, but but I think the takeaway for me is so I, I hear, I hear like I think there's a real shift to to not hear this as, like Aaron, you know, man, you're just nagging about all these things that I have to do, you know, and I got to do all this stuff perfectly, or whatever it might be, Because I think that when it feels critical, that's sort of the tone and the spirit of it.
Speaker 3:Well, when it feels critical, it's because around lunchtime I text and like, hey, good morning, nice to see you today. Right and how could that sound critical and I think critical.
Speaker 1:But I think for me, what it is is it is beginning to understand like, hey, these are meaningful things to you, my partner, these are the kinds of things that help you feel connected and close, like I care, like I'm attuned, like I am paying attention, and so, in a way, like they don't feel like demands or nagging, they just feel like, oh, this is useful information, Like it's helpful for me to know this, because I want you to feel like I care and I want the little things to add up to feel like points of connection, and I think that it helps me think about it in those terms. And it does help, when it's communicated clearly and not critically, to be able to hear it that way and not critically, to be able to hear it that way. And I think it like for me as a partner. Then I'm like, oh, like I know how to connect with my partner, like this is what helps bring connection and I want to do that and I can work towards doing that.
Speaker 3:And I think that the other being very clear, because I honestly think that we should say from your side too we only got to about, we'll say 6 pm yeah, well, we don't need to go the whole day but I think that if I'm starting to notice by lunch that I'm feeling frustrated or annoyed, or like I'm, because here's what happens this is how disconnection stacks up is when we've started off the morning on the wrong foot because we're late and now we're just in go mode and like I don't care about greeting you like and mutually, you know like we've just got stuff to do and you know go, go, go, go go.
Speaker 3:But then then you start looking for other ways.
Speaker 1:Things aren't um yeah, you can find all the mistakes. You can find all the reasons why I don't I think mistakes is such a terrible but that's what I mean.
Speaker 3:That's right, you're looking for the flaws.
Speaker 1:You're looking for the breaks, you're looking for the disconnect this is why my partner is purposefully not trying to connect.
Speaker 3:Yes, this is how it's intentional yeah and I think that once we notice, we have those days too uh-huh, and when you notice you have that lens, the the correction doesn't have to be we just keep going that way. You're like oh my gosh, I have that lens. What happened today? What's been going on? And you say like and then? And then you do send the text, or you have the call, or you write the note, or you send the email or whatever you know like, however, you all reach out during the day and say like man, I'm noticing, I feel like we started this morning off, like I hope we can reset, like I wish we would have had a slower morning. Or like, oh, I feel like stress started this morning off.
Speaker 2:Like I hope we can reset.
Speaker 3:Like I wish we would have had a slower morning or like oh, I feel like stress one the morning, I hope it doesn't win the afternoon. Thinking about you. Hope you're having a good day, whatever. Just a moment to reset, rather than keeping the lens on and being like no. I will continue to find the ways that you are intentionally trying to disconnect from me disengage from our life.
Speaker 1:And you're trying to disconnect from me, disengage from our life, and you're trying to so. So I think yes, and so I think, like if I were to do the flip side, um, I think for me, um, thinking through this, trying to be clear, not critical, um, just, you know, I heard that from a brilliant, brilliant woman Philosopher.
Speaker 3:I'm just trying to think of my general demeanor is, I feel, a certain, a certain sort.
Speaker 1:Man a certain sense Okay, no man a certain sense of overwhelm on a daily basis from a standpoint of, like, our work life. Yeah, I feel like I'm predominantly in charge of that.
Speaker 2:Schedule yeah.
Speaker 1:Schedule organization which impacts our everyday life, because if you're just learning this, aaron and I we work together and so I'm, in a way, in charge of both of our schedules. When it comes to that kind of stuff Also, work is just a stressful thing, it's our livelihood, it's how we pay for soccer cleats and things like that, and so there, you know, there's all those those kinds of concerns and I think on a, on a normal day, I kind of wake up with a, with what feels like a pretty big like list of things to do. That generates some anxiety for me. Like list of things to do that generates some anxiety for me. I think how I feel, um, a level of connection from you is that you're aware of that, uh, that you're, you're aware of like, like that, that I, that that's what's running in my mind, and so like and it's simple things like. So, if I do like jump up in the morning and get going in the day and maybe don't have the greeting, that I think is reasonable for you to want that there's an understanding of like, not like what a terrible person, but like, oh, he must really, really be feeling sort of the, the burn of the day, um, and and and then so so it's like more really like an aware, like when I feel your awareness. So like yesterday, like I have um, um, I also do some some teaching and things like that.
Speaker 1:So I I generally typically um have a day where I go and I take some time and I grade, and I usually try to do that outside of the house, simply because I'm at the house a lot, because we work from home. And even like I came out of an appointment, I came upstairs and then I was pretty quickly just kind of like hey, I got to go, great. And for me you kind of be like okay, great, you know where where are you going, like okay, see ya, that that kind of thing, um, that feels super supportive and like helpful to me, because it's like she knows, like Erin knows, that I'm not just trying to get out of the house or I'm not just trying to leave and not help or, you know, not be here with the kids, whatever it is. She just knows that I have this pressure that I feel to get this stuff done and she's fine with me doing that and I think so. For me it's much more just when I when I feel like you're aware of some of the pressure that I feel and little, there's little ways of communicating that so like even when I was grading yesterday we were kind of texting back and forth a good bit.
Speaker 1:But there are also moments where I would just like stopped communicating and didn't like text back and continue to grade and I didn't feel any like text pressure from you, like hey, what's up? Like hey, are you? Why aren't you responding? Because I think you're, like you're aware like I'm grading, I'm doing stuff, like texting is not sort of the objective of why I'm, why I'm out of the house, grading is why I'm doing it. And like like I just feel those things from you. And when I feel those things from you, I'm like she gets me, she says she supports me and and it also does allow me to hear you better when you're like, hey, I feel like you're not maybe as like present or engaged here or um, you know, or when I've been able to go do those things, it actually helps me kind of come back and be more present and engaged, and so I think that it feels a little different, because that's not necessarily like. It feels more like a spirit and an attitude towards me that helps me, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:Yes, go ahead so okay, I think that that's exactly right, though, because I think that the attitude piece because everything you described, I'm sorry, yes, so okay, I think that that's exactly right, though, because I think that the attitude piece because everything you described, I'm like, oh my gosh, that is exactly right.
Speaker 3:I think overall. I think what you are looking for and a lot of partners are looking for is an overall feeling of like when I'm not connected, it's not because I don't want to connect with you, it's not personal. But you're assuming my best that it's like because I'm not connected, it's not because I don't want to connect with you.
Speaker 3:It's not personal Right, but you're assuming my best, that it's like because I'm stressed. So for me to approach I think that's the clear and not critical thing back and forth is like hey, you do seem disengaged, or like I haven't. I haven't made eye contact with you in two weeks. What is going on? Rather than like you don't want to be a part of our family?
Speaker 1:You always do this. You're just so self-centered you don't care. All you can think about or worry about is work.
Speaker 3:The only thing you care about is whatever. Yeah, yourself and your own stress and pressures, don't you know? We all have those like.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 3:I'm working over here too, I get stressed and it, you know that same kind of thing. You need a big metal, a soft hug because you're working like we all are, you know, like. But I think that the the reason and the way couples can offer that, you know, I would say, like you assume each other's best moments is when the overall feeling is like because I'm not going to assume you're best if I feel like that you aren't trying.
Speaker 1:Right, so it works in a circle, it does yes, your attitude towards me can be more open and gracious if my actions towards you are.
Speaker 3:Open and gracious, are open and gracious in terms of Engaged and present, and so we and gracious, engaged and present, and so we can have a lot more space. And then when it's off, it's the knee jerk. The reaction is like, hey, something must be going on, rather than you.
Speaker 1:You are doing this yeah.
Speaker 3:And you want to and you don't even. It's because you don't care and you never have and you never will and you never do. And that can sometimes take healing, because sometimes this disconnection is two days old.
Speaker 1:Two weeks old.
Speaker 3:But sometimes it feels like.
Speaker 1:By the time the crusty couples have gotten to us, it takes some healing.
Speaker 3:Yeah and that. But it can happen too. There can be a new spirit in your relationship of I do assume you're best because I more often than not am receiving that you know like I do feel, like you care about my needs. I do see that you're making the effort, you know, to move towards us, because we do have different needs. We do have different paces, but we do have a shared one also.
Speaker 1:So if you're a crusty couple, I love that. I don't know why. That's my quote of the day. You have clear, not critical. It's the little things that bring us to disconnection, but it's also the little things that bring us to disconnection, but it's also the little things that help us connect. And if you said and the little things that fix what's?
Speaker 1:broken I mean, that's where I have crusty couple. But if you're one of those couples, I think, I think the first thing that you can do, um, is take a deep breath, recognize that you are that couple, recognize that you are in the company of many, many many other couples. It doesn't mean your relationship is awful or your partner's awful, but it does mean your relationship needs some attending to, and I think one of the first things, what you didn't like that Attending to.
Speaker 1:Attending to, tending to? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how to talk.
Speaker 3:Tending to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you need some. Your relationship needs some tending to. Thank you for the correction.
Speaker 3:I didn't correct. I raised an eyebrow.
Speaker 1:You were not. You were clear and critical All in one. All in one, all in one eyebrow. I wish you could have seen her face. It was so clear and critical. So it means that your relationship needs some attention and I think one of the first things that you can do is, I think, actually the little exercise we just did where what does connection look like for you in the day-to-day, is it? For Aaron, it was more these little actions. For me, it was more of this general attitude, sorry.
Speaker 1:Which has actions with it, without a doubt.
Speaker 3:Well, both ways, because really, if I feel like you're present, and engaged those are the actions that show me that.
Speaker 2:Sure, sure, sure sure.
Speaker 3:When you feel like I am accepting and-.
Speaker 1:So action and attitude combined.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like what are the actions and the attitude that help you feel connected to your partner and realize they're going to be different, or they might be the same but and realize they're going to be different, or they might be the same, but most likely they're going to be different.
Speaker 1:But you really need to think through, like when I feel connected to my partner, this is what's happening, and then communicate that to each other in a clear way, not in a critical way, but like, hey, this is what I'm noticing, like this is what I'm noticing, like this is what I really like, this is what is helpful. And then I think that that can give you a roadmap for how you can begin to do that in the little moments of each day, absolutely. And then I think you really should reassess, have this conversation, have the conversation and say I think it's these things, okay, let's try it out. And then give yourself a day, a couple of days a week and then say, hey, let's reassess what did we notice? And really intentionally and purposefully begin to understand your pattern and dynamic and how you can be very intentional and purposeful in shifting it, because that's how it shifts.
Speaker 3:And even imperfectly, because no one's going to get their perfect day every day. It doesn't happen like that. But when you don't because, again, pretty often you won't it's a difference and we can make the adjustment. It doesn't have to just lead to the next day stacking up.
Speaker 1:If you know you're both working towards that.
Speaker 3:Well, if you both care like today did not go like we meant it to go, and it doesn't need to be like because the end of you or whatever. Yeah, I mean you. If it needs to be talked about, talk about it. If it doesn't like, let's reset, like I would like. Okay, tomorrow new day.
Speaker 1:And I do think that the principles are that it is the little things that can help restore and renew. It's also the little things that can create difficulty, but we're looking at this from a positive place of like. It's the little things that can help your relationship grow. And in communicating, to be clear and not critical to and the way you can be clear is by saying this is what I notice about myself, this is what I notice is useful to me, this is what I notice is helpful, this is what I notice I want, rather than saying you make me feel this way, you don't do these things. If you did this, it would be better. That is not the route to go. To be clear is to be clear about yourself and to communicate that with your partner, and I think that if you both can do that around these things, you can find those little ways each day that stack up and can help you feel very connected as a couple.
Speaker 1:Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show and, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples, counseling for Parents, and remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.