Couples Counseling For Parents
The Art of Partner Support in Pregnancy, Postpartum, and Beyond!
Got a question, comment, or just want to drop some encouragement? Send us a text.
If your partner has ever been pregnant. If you have ever had a partner in the postpartum phase of parenting. If you are a parent period. You need to hear this! Being aware of the impact of pregnancy and postpartum on your partner's body matters. Even if you are beyond this phase of your parenting journey, it matters! Stephen Mitchell, PhD and Erin Mitchell, MACP help you understand "why?" in this weeks episode.
Got a question, comment, or just want to drop some encouragement? Send us a text.
If your partner has ever been pregnant. If you have ever had a partner in the postpartum phase of parenting. If you are a parent period. You need to hear this! Being aware of the impact of pregnancy and postpartum on your partner's body matters. Even if you are beyond this phase of your parenting journey, it matters! Stephen Mitchell, PhD and Erin Mitchell, MACP help you understand "why?" in this weeks episode.
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents, a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Here are our parents our dad, dr Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, erin Mitchell. Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and we are excited to be with you today. We have a great case example. We're going to be talking about the pregnant and postpartum body. We got some requests from our community to drill down on this topic a little bit. So that's what we're going to do today. But right before we get into the case example and the chatter amongst ourselves here, we'd like to remind you we wrote a book.
Speaker 2:And it would be super helpful and beneficial, if you have not already, to pre-order our book.
Speaker 1:Pre-order it Make it special. Make it special Because the more pre-orders we have, the more books we can get out there in the universe. The book is called Too Tired to Fight the 13 Essential Conflicts. Parents Must have to Keep their Relationships Strong.
Speaker 2:It's a great book. We're really proud of it. We know you're going to like it. Yeah, and it would truly be tremendously helpful. It's a great book, we're really proud of it.
Speaker 1:We know you're going to like it, yeah, and it would truly be tremendously helpful. Yeah, help us out, it would be awesome. You can find the book at CouplesCounselingForParentscom, our website. You can also find it on our Instagram.
Speaker 2:Or any place you buy books.
Speaker 1:Any place you buy Amazon Target oh my gosh, Powell's Powell's Amazon Target. Oh my gosh, Powell's Powell's bookstore in Portland. You can go to their website and get the book there, and the reason that's special to me is because I love that bookstore.
Speaker 2:Is that the bookstore that's a block.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's so incredible. If you've never been to Portland, you should go. It's a fun place.
Speaker 2:Portland Oregon.
Speaker 1:Portland, oregon, yeah, not Maine.
Speaker 2:Although I hear Portland Maine is great too.
Speaker 1:I've never been there but you should go. But definitely go to Portland, Oregon, and there is this amazing bookstore called Powell's Books there and it's like you could spend an entire day.
Speaker 2:I think it's actually a city block right, Isn't that the thing? It feels like it? Yeah, it's huge. I thought it really was Anyway.
Speaker 1:Very big, but anyway, our book's there. All right, that's awesome. But on to the show. Erin's giving me the look she's saying let's move on, let's move on. So let's do that. So we have had some requests from our community to focus on this topic. That's another thing. If you have a podcast topic or something like that that you think would you'd like to hear more about, you can DM us or email.
Speaker 1:Our email is info at couples counseling for parentscom and let us know and we will put you on the list of topics and we'll also try to email you back and let you know when the show or the topic is being covered. But today, pregnant and postpartum body is our topic, so let's get into this case example. Camille and Tiago have a two-year-old and Camille is three months pregnant. It's not an overstatement to say that Camille's body is going through quite a lot. She's still breastfeeding and she's experiencing all the wonders and pains of a pregnant body. Physically, camille is always having to adjust to some discomfort, whether it's her ever-changing body temperature, a kick in the side from the baby, the exhaustion of breastfeeding, the pain of a clogged duct, the constant little hands touching her breast, face or any body part, the challenge to get out of a chair or to bend down and pick up her two-year-old. I mean, the list could go on and on. I think you get the picture. And Camille is constantly experiencing something physical, not to mention the emotional, spiritual and cognitive dialogue she's having on a regular basis about being a mom, having a baby, being a partner, being an employee, being a baby, being a partner, being an employee, being a daughter being everything, and so she's constantly having all of this happening and she's trying to carry on with her every day and Tiago's not experiencing any of these changes. And, honestly, tiago has not been mindful of Camille and what she's experiencing.
Speaker 1:Tiago is not a clueless partner or distant dad. He's great. And at the same time Camille feels like he looks at her like she is the same woman that she was before kids and he seems to have the same expectations of her, without an awareness that she has a whole new bodily experience taking place for her. And she's not sure why, but she sees like Tiago, like moving through his day with ease and what seems to her blissful ignorance of what she's dealing with, and she feels resentment brewing. Or maybe she sees Tiago you know he makes a comment like hey, did you go to the grocery after work and pick up some food for us to grill this weekend? And that comment alone makes her just want to scream in his face. Or when Tiago makes a comment about his sore back after a bad night's sleep, she has to bury her face in the pillow just so that she doesn't say something sarcastic and unkind to him. Camille wants Thiago to understand her experience and it seems that Thiago is not interested.
Speaker 2:This is good. I posted this post. I actually don't know when I posted it, it's a recent one.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And it came up for me because I was talking to two of our kids about breastfeeding. I don't know if you remember this conversation.
Speaker 1:Mind you, hey, mind you. Our kids are 12, 10, and 6. So, just like you were just having an educational conversation with them, I don't remember.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you mean I'm no longer pregnant.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I'm not Quote unquote well beyond the pregnant and kind of postpartum thing Right. But like yes, it's still very, very pertinent, even now.
Speaker 2:I can't. I don't remember what started the conversation. It's not really the point, but as I'm explaining this to, I think it was the 10 and six year old, it doesn't really matter. But I'm like trying to explain what happens, and I mean as medically as I am aware of, which is not particularly You're not a doctor, I was not speaking of it as though I was or like some sort of like lactation consultant.
Speaker 2:I don't know all of the ins and outs. I was just explaining it from my perspective of what it was like and the things that I do know, having done this. Um and it was a lot I was explaining, like you know, the body. Um, at one point I was breastfeeding two kids at different ages at once and like how it switches. Like it, as soon as I had that next baby, it switched to support that baby, and like I was explaining all of these things, yeah, your breast milk switched to accommodate that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and these are the things I'm talking to them about, and even as I'm talking about it, like, oh, my goodness, it was amazing and I was also talking too about like um right when I I don't remember which one I was talking about, but just having given birth and how my body felt and all of the changes in that first week say physical changes not just about breastfeeding, but just like overwhelming changes happening all the time, like every second of the day, for a while there and then throughout, but I think it was like astounding to me happening all the time, like every second of the day for a while there and then throughout, but I think it it was like astounding to me and it happened to me and I'm saying that and I was just like I I still don't feel like we've talked enough about yeah, what all.
Speaker 1:And I don't mean that critically like.
Speaker 2:Not like, steven, you don't get it, but like right. I, I don't think I have really you even get it yourself.
Speaker 1:Yes, the depth of it.
Speaker 2:Yes, and so I was hearing myself explain all of this and feeling really proud of myself and also really like that's a lot. Yeah, a lot and um. And then the thing you said about Camille she's expected to just keep carrying on.
Speaker 2:I think about camille, she's expected to just keep carrying on, I think, as if nothing's going on as if yeah, well, even if yes, though, yes, and I, and I think that that is so much, um, you know, for people like the female experience is and I'm not trying to say it's not a male experience, so, um, well, pregnancy is not well, I you know, but I don't even, I'm not talking about that. Yeah, okay I'm talking about like in life. It feels like you're I think, a lot of um people who identify as female or people who are born, you know, female feel like you're expected to just experience discomfort and muscle through it.
Speaker 2:Like people don't want to hear about it. Don't whine about it. It's harder for-.
Speaker 1:That's a social script.
Speaker 2:I think that is a very social script. I think it's this like patriarchy, that's like, keep going Like no one there's no time for that.
Speaker 1:Right. But if I mean and it's a little bit of a silly example, but the reason I put it in this case example is because it's the kind of thing we hear about all the time. So Tiago says oh, you know, ma'am, my back is really sore from oh, I didn't sleep great and and kind of because of the social scripts and you know the patriarchy and stuff. There's this idea that that should really be like we should really pay attention to Tiago's back, which sure that's fine, but it misses this entirely. Other experience of like Camille's, like your back hurt, like my back has been hurting for years, basically because of pregnancy and because of all these things. And if I were to say my back was sore, there would not be, there wouldn't be as much of as much attention or import or significance giving given to it.
Speaker 2:So just, even even in um. So I posted this post on our Instagram and there are comments, or were comments, and um about like, about simply all it's saying is like, validate, acknowledge, be able to name, like. This is a profound experience, and any profound experience means there's gift and privilege and benefit. So don't hear me saying what I'm not, which is that it's just this horrible, bad, terrible, exhausting thing, and also it's it's hard, horrible, bad, terrible, exhausting thing, and also it's hard.
Speaker 2:It is hard to be a pregnant person. It's hard. It's a gift. I personally mostly loved it, but it was hard. It was a big challenge every single day, every minute of the day, and one that I couldn't not have for a minute. I couldn't just set it aside. You just have to keep doing whatever it is you're being asked to do. But even in saying like a pregnant and postpartum person needs partner support and validation, throughout this timeline said why can't people appreciate what a gift it is those two things don't have?
Speaker 1:to be mutually exclusive.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah um, and I think it is the fact that if we say, hey, something profound is happening to me, in me, for me, and I need, I need to feel like you my partner are like your world is as um, and it won't be as, but that you are profoundly and intensely and intentionally aware to be mindful of that yeah, yeah, and what that means which doesn't mean minimizing your experience, steven. Validating my experience isn't trying to say you're not allowed to wake up tired. That's not, not what we're saying, right?
Speaker 1:Right and I, and I would say, you know I was, I was just like Tiago, like I was not aware, I didn't, um, I don't like. I think it's the just the, the reality, like that you are going through something that is in addition to like life, right, like like it, and so like, yes, we're both going through life, but then, all of a sudden, you, you know, with pregnancy, with postpartum, like things do get imbalanced, the scales, the scales are tipped it it I would, being pregnant and going through life is harder than not being pregnant and going through life, and I think that it's not even about noticing that it's hard. I think that that's part of it. I think part of what you also wanted me to do is take pictures and note that it was this amazing thing and I was so excited about it and you couldn't not think about your pregnancy.
Speaker 2:But I think that's part of it too, I think, because it is something that is in a sense happening to a pregnant person. We do just sort of adapt and carry on. So, also, as the pregnant person, I'm not constantly bringing attention to things, because it's just happening and something else was happening yesterday and something else will be happening tomorrow. So it's hard even for the pregnant person to stop and notice and I think that that is part of the work for both partners is just to stop, to pause, to like, oh my goodness, I mean something you said. So you said you were the Tiago. You used to say a ton like when I would be like can you believe that this is like I'm actually growing?
Speaker 2:legs right now and you would always say you're the toughest person. I know Like yeah, but that was kind of it. Like it was like yeah, and this happens to a lot of people.
Speaker 1:Right, right, yeah. Yeah, I didn't. Yes, I wasn't in all of it. In the same way, as I was Right.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 1:But I think I think again why this is important.
Speaker 1:Because you know, some of you are like well, I'm past that stage of of life, you know, kind of kind of like we are, we're, but stage of life kind of like we are. But I think the reason it becomes important is because when there is this feeling that there's a miss, I think it really does begin to feed into and generate a lot of the energy around things like the, the mental load conversation, the default parent conversation, but also just to begins to set up, I think, um, a question between partners of like, do you notice? Like, do you notice me, do you notice my experience? Like, am I important to you? But because this is pretty important and I don't feel like you see that, and I think that that begins to to kind of chip away sometimes at the, the foundational strength of of some couples, I completely agree and I love that you said it that this is sort of the foundation for mental load conversations, default parent conversations, because I do think so much of what happens for both parents is unspoken.
Speaker 2:It's like an experience that if you are not making it overt intentionally and specifically, it's not, it is a covert thing. I don't have to tell Steven today I'm going to grow fingernails for this baby, that just happens. But if I'm saying that, like there's a growth spurt or whatever, I am exhausted in a way I don't even have words for it, like there should be a new word for that kind of exhaustion, stephen doesn't know that. Right, but also my entire life story had primed me to not share that.
Speaker 2:So much of I think, every physical experience I've ever had. I mean, in a lot of ways, I think, females again, the, however you identify with the female body is told to be quiet and, um, what's happening is a little bit shameful even so, like or you're trying, or you're trying to like get past this stage so that you can go back and get your body back in a sense too, Like the body that you have while you're pregnant is like something you should like.
Speaker 1:yeah, not talk about or that you want to get beyond those kinds of things.
Speaker 2:Exactly yes, and I think that there's this conditioning of just keep it to yourself. A lot of people have done this. Oh, I don't know.
Speaker 1:So you're mentioning two things. I think that they come from, they both are the same thing and so I think what is at the there's a level of awareness that the pregnant partner and the non-pregnant partner both have to have. I think Both have to have. I think so what you're talking about is that feeling of, oh, you're not like allowed to talk about your body and you shouldn't share and you should just kind of muscle through. I think that that we said that yeah, those are from some of those cultural scripts.
Speaker 2:I have one thing to add to that. Sorry, I know you're also be grateful, oh yeah, that idea Be great yeah. And, as a person, my our first pregnancy did end in miscarriage, so I did want to be like, oh, I don't want to, I'm glad I'm have morning sickness. Oh, it's a. That's a reminder that I am pregnant and, like this, be grateful. You know there's other people who can't get pregnant, yeah, and this isn't about harder.
Speaker 1:I think what you're ultimately saying is, as the partner who's pregnant. What I want is just to be noticed in all the good stuff in such a way that they're curious about pregnancy and my body and how I'm being impacted by it, because they care about me. I think, fundamentally, that's what I hear you saying.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think a little bit, but I think stories inform that a lot. Because I think kind of, yes, I think a little bit, but I think stories inform that a lot. But because I think even what you just described is a relational dynamic, like that's a cycle where I think a lot of part well, all partners I think what we're looking for is validation and action, because, yes, I want to be noticed and yes, I want you to know this, but I would like for it to inform and inform action and inform and whatever those actions are that are meaningful to that person, and I think that's what can be very story oriented.
Speaker 2:Same thing like as a pregnant person. Sometimes they want their partner to back up.
Speaker 1:Give me some space, Right, right, right yeah. Some people, hey, draw near, massage my feet. Other people are like hey, don't touch me right now Don't touch me, stop. Like that's how validation and action like kind of go together, is because you understand. So I think from that side, which is very, very, very story dependent on your own history, context and social scripts out there doesn't necessarily feel free to just ask for that validation and action.
Speaker 2:They may or may not feel free, but they have had a lifetime's worth of conditioning. That says they probably haven't even thought about it.
Speaker 1:Sure, and then when it does come out, it comes out sort of in a maybe a passive mocking, camille probably hasn't said a single thing about it.
Speaker 2:She's just trying to make it through. She's carrying on like Camille has always had to do.
Speaker 1:Or you know, Tiago might say oh, my back hurts. And she's like oh, really Does your back hurt? And it gets like chippy and sarcastic, chippy and sarcastic, and, and it and what gets missed is the really important need and the really important desire that come that camille has right, because all chiago hears is like I'm not allowed to have an experience right because his back probably really does hurt right we no one.
Speaker 2:At no point did we say that chiago is a liar in the case study, but because camille doesn't feel at all seen validated notice or any action taken to support like, hey, everything you've done today is already more than I imagine you wanted to be doing. I've got this.
Speaker 1:Like hey Well, and so I think that that's like for the pregnant partner, what that level of attunement is. Is attunement to like what is that desire and need and how does it present itself for you? Is attunement to like what is that desire and need and how does it present itself for you, and how can you communicate that to your partner in a way that is you know kind of, you use this, we use this. That is clear, but not critical.
Speaker 2:That is really about connecting. I think that that's for the pregnant partner, I think for the non-pregnant partner, or postpartum. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right, even six years later. Postpartum person yes, because this came back up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, we've talked about this and we still talk about the misses.
Speaker 2:Because, thematically, the misses are the same Right.
Speaker 1:Right, but yeah, they come up in your other dynamic. You know, oh, now we're talking about default parent, now we're talking about mental load, now we're talking about our just relationship as a whole, like yes that comes up.
Speaker 1:But, but then for the non-pregnant partner, the the level of attunement is to the reality that, um, you have to work to be mindful, you have to work to be mindful and to be intentional of your partner because it isn't happening to your physical body. But because it isn't happening doesn't mean that you don't need to pay attention or that you kind of should feel like, hey, don't put that on me, that's just too much work or too much responsibility. No, like you have to be attuned to the reality that the experiences are not the same and that you need to make effort to understand. And I think that that's the place of attunement for the non-pregnant partner.
Speaker 2:And then asking what the action should be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, because I have had so many friends.
Speaker 2:I really did wish Stephen would squeeze the heels of my feet for hours a day. My feet just hurt and I can think of so many of my very close friends who were like, if my partner touches me, to be like trying to like alleviate the discomfort like don't touch me yeah, so like. It's not, like there's a one-size-fits-all prescription here. It's it's definitely like hey, what is this like I? I realize I don't, nor could I ever know, but I'd like to.
Speaker 1:I'd like to try to understand and what would meet that need. Like, what action would validate?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and if they don't know, try, you'll find out very quickly.
Speaker 1:If the pregnant partner doesn't know, try Like, try something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like well, they didn't know, so I don't have to do anything. Like well, how could somebody know something they've never experienced before? Similar to you, like how would I know what to do?
Speaker 1:I've never done this before, I've yeah I've never been a pregnant person, I don't know, or I've never been pregnant with this body, because every single time I was pregnant it was night and day different and I think that there's a dynamic and I would I would say like I mean we've had to talk about this, like there were a lot of ways that I missed a lot in this regard for you, um, and I am sorry that that was the case, um, but I do remember with our first pregnancy, the one that ended in a pregnancy loss, um, there I do feel like I was a little bit better, and I'm thinking about um. So Erin was very specific about how she liked cheese to be sliced.
Speaker 2:I threw up every single thing I even looked at smelled. I couldn't go to a grocery store because I would get sick immediately, and so I was losing a lot of weight Right, and it was concerning, and so the midwife was like get her to eat anything, and I was very sick and so it was like cheese I can try cheese, but not thick cheese and not like not cold cheese, right right.
Speaker 1:So it was very, very particular things that can turn into a place of shaming the pregnant partner, and from the standpoint of so I could see that as like are you kidding me? What an annoying ass, my goodness. Every little thing has to be because you're pregnant and you're not feeling it, and I think that a lot of partners respond that way.
Speaker 1:I think that they might start out sensitive but then, as time goes on, there begins to be this annoyance and this frustration, and all that communicates to the pregnant partner is that very same cultural you know your problem like just push through, like quit, push through, quit being so sensitive about this, just deal with it. And I think that that is a place where something like this is really important. If the action that validates is that you cut thinly sliced cheese so that your partner can not throw up, first of all you should be blown away with like, oh my goodness, so much so in this event of pregnancy, that there's such supreme sensitivity to something like the thickness of cheese. That's wild.
Speaker 1:I think that there's something about that that's just amazing. There's a way to be like, oh my goodness. And then there's a way to be like I'm sure that's frustrating for you. I'm sure you don't like to have to have all these things and feel nauseous all the time and feel sick. At this point, you know what? If it's thin cheese that helps you know that I understand and that I'm trying to validate and move towards you and understand your experience then I'm cutting thin cheese and I think that it's those little interactions and these really unique and important periods of a couple's relationship that often go wrong poorly and set the tone for the pattern being set and things going poorly later.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think that is the how to fix what's broken here, which is that if you are in the place that Tiago and Camille are which is the way that Camille is she's so conditioned, she is so not aware of her own difficulty and privilege. But just like the profound nature of what all she is experiencing, and so practiced at it, that she doesn't know, and the only way she knows it is that she's annoyed with.
Speaker 1:Tiago for talking about his Saying his back sore yeah.
Speaker 2:And that he's so tired. That is the cue Like we're missing something. There's something about my experience. I his back's sore, yeah, and that he's so tired. That is the cue Like we're missing something. There's something about my experience.
Speaker 1:I'm not settled in.
Speaker 2:That doesn't feel right. That feels like you are missing and that, like you're taking up space. I'm not allowed to take up space. Like that's not fair and when that?
Speaker 1:feeling comes up. Her actual physical space is being taken Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Right, right, I think anytime that that's the feeling coming up you can know there is something to know and I think if there's something about you as a pregnant partner's experience that is being missed.
Speaker 2:Yes, and probably by yourself first and also by your partner, and that's the cue of like pause.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't. Of course I care that you're tired. Of course I care that your back is sore.
Speaker 1:But but you know, I, I heard, like what you said is like you know. So Tiago, you know, might walk away, like he might say his back sore. And then Camille says, oh, your back's really sore.
Speaker 2:And kind of lays into him with some an experience, I think that that and I wonder what you think about this, Erin.
Speaker 1:Part of me is like look, if in this particular stage of life you saying your back is sore feels like an invalidation to your partner, then for this period of time maybe the action that validates is you don't talk about those things. It doesn't mean you can't have it. It doesn't mean like you shouldn't have your experience and you're not allowed to be you. But I think it's much more about okay, like I could see how me saying my back is sore like is frustrating. It doesn't mean my back's not sore, but I don't need to like if that action validates you, I don't need to talk about that.
Speaker 2:I think that if I think when a partner and I think you agree with this- yeah, I probably do. I think I was just trying to even think like I mean, there are definitely times even when these conversations are happening, that I think that maybe that's true, because it's like, I mean, there are definitely times, even when these conversations are happening, that I think that maybe that's true, cause it's like really, but um, but I think that when a partner's feeling felt and understood and known, then every experience is welcomed.
Speaker 2:I think that you saying your back is sore is invalidating only when I feel like yeah I'm not allowed to have a sore back or that you are, you miss it right um like you know, yeah, I, I, I agree with, I agree with that I remember um, but I am thinking with our youngest I had horrible painful varicose veins all the way up my left leg and I had to wear compression tights in the peak of summer and that was hard and you tried to be very, very, very validating, but it didn't matter, because you also were able to wear shorts, even when you said that you were hot. There was never a time where I wasn't like I hate seeing your legs.
Speaker 1:Right now you're in shorts, yes like my veins, can't support me right now I need like, so I think to your point like there was a like.
Speaker 2:No, no one is as hot as me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and I don't need to be like boy, it's really hot, just like yep, we all know it is.
Speaker 2:Okay. But, but I think, but I think that's in a how, I think that's in how things are communicated, because of course, you're allowed to be hot, but it's like oh my gosh, I am so hot and you're in compression tights.
Speaker 1:Like oh, it seemed so miserable. Yeah, I mean, that was, that was bad.
Speaker 2:It was hot Um but, I think those are the ways that you can, even in saying I am so hot right now and I'm looking at you in compression tights like you must need ice water or whatever Like. There's a way to connect over these very different experiences without competing. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that. So I think you know like what's kind of you know the quote unquote fix for this kind of thing I think. I think it is that idea of validation and action to validate and then to also step forward with the action that validates. And I think that is so. So you know, if you're in this you know stage of your, your parenting life where you're pregnant and you know kind of in that postpartum phase and you're the non-pregnant partner, like, start validating, start attuning to the difference, start attuning to man. Like what would it be like to have a kid breastfeeding five, six, a billion times a day, feeding five, six, a billion times a day? What would it be like to have a baby in your womb, like that weight stuck on the front of your body? What would this all be like? And ask and be curious and then move forward with actions that do validate that.
Speaker 2:And I think the asking and be curious is very much a part of and this is where real connection and, honestly, even change and healing can happen is understanding what it's like for your partner. Because, every partner has a different history with their own body and their own insecurities and what it's like to walk through life in their body, and nothing is as impactful as having that changed all the time yeah, constantly, and moving towards understanding that and wanting to know, even if they don't know.
Speaker 1:And I think so. If you're presently here, do those things. So if you're presently here, do those things. If you're not here, if you're like Aaron and I, we're kind of beyond that point, but there were things that were missed and you might need to rehab the conversations with conversations about default parent mental load or you're having a tough time with conversations where your partner is saying like you never validate my experience, maybe. Maybe you should go back and think about this period of your lives as well and see if some of these patterns, these misses, started there and there might be some things to rework and some stories to retell and some some acknowledgements, um, some some things to be accountable for.
Speaker 2:I don't. I think, if you are a person who has ever been pregnant, there are probably there's stories you can't tell them so much that you have exhausted um understanding and sharing your experience about it. And it doesn't have to be just because there's conflict around it. It can just be because at each different age of our kids now, I think about that time differently, I appreciate it differently, I miss it differently.
Speaker 2:I don't miss it differently All of it I appreciate it differently, I miss it differently, I don't miss it differently, all of it, and I think I can't imagine a time when I will ever not want.
Speaker 1:Right To talk about. Yeah To process, yeah To process that.
Speaker 2:It's been a long time of going through some things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I don't feel like you understood it.
Speaker 2:And I do Like you said there were some things, yeah, yeah, and I don't feel like you understood it. And I do Like you said, there were some misses and the and the miss it's, it's you get.
Speaker 1:You know it's a, it's not something you can come back to Well and a lot of people are like, oh, why stir up all that? Why go back to that? And the reason being missing it? That pain is still going to be present in your relationship, so you can not talk about it, but it's not going away. Rather, if you do address it, then that miss can actually be a place where you can connect with your partner and it can be something that can heal and not stay stuck in your relationship between you and your partner. Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents. And remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.