Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
When A Relationship Feels One-sided
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Feeling like you're paddling a two-person canoe alone can be exhausting, but it's a situation commonly felt in parenting partner relationships. Stephen Mitchell, PhD and Erin Mitchell, MACP discuss how this dynamic happens in parenting partner relationships and how parenting partners can start paddling the canoe together.
Hello and welcome, mrs Couples Counseling for Parents. They show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Hiya parents Our Dad Dr Steven Mitchell and our Mom Erin Mitchell.
Speaker 2:Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Steven Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and on today's show we want to address a question that we get all the time from couples, which is what do we do when our relationship feels one-sided?
Speaker 3:So I think this question is so important because I think most, if not very, very many, couples experience this at some point along their couple relationship.
Speaker 2:The feeling that the relationship's one-sided yes.
Speaker 3:And I think that this can be one of those ongoing perpetual problems. But I also think this can be sort of situational.
Speaker 2:So there's a ton of good terms that you just introduced in there Situational problems, perpetual problems. Maybe it would be helpful. So this is what we mean by when one partner feels like the relationship is one-sided. And it might look something like this A couple comes in and they say Steven and Erin, we are struggling.
Speaker 2:Our relationship is taken a nosedive because I, let's say, erin comes in and she says I feel like the relationship is one-sided, I feel like I do everything and Steven doesn't do anything. And then what Erin might proceed to say is I take care of the kids, I take care of the house, I go to work, I plan our social calendar, I do everything, and there's a really long list. And then Steven hears that and he obviously offers the rebuttal of you don't do everything, I do a lot. And then I start listing off the things that I do I take care of the kids, I go to work, I take care of the maintenance on the house, I do our finances, I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And what happens is there's this instant cycle of criticism and defense. There's one partner, the I'm doing everything partner, and then there's this other partner whose characterizes the do nothing partner, and it just goes back and forth, back and forth. Would that be an accurate?
Speaker 3:I think that is one very accurate way this is felt. I think another I think accurate way this is felt is by the couple. That's like we're both pulling our weight. Everyone's doing something. You're doing your thing, I'm doing my thing, but there's really nothing between us and I'm the only one that feels like. I feel like I'm the only one trying, or like.
Speaker 2:I'm like hey, maybe we should do this or that Maybe we should go to therapy together, maybe we should read this book together, or initiating Like I miss you.
Speaker 3:But, nothing really seems to be coming back from the other side. I think that is another very common way things feel one-sided.
Speaker 2:And I think there. So I would kind of characterize those as there's maybe one who's kind of saying the task or the division of labor within the household feels one-sided, and then there might be another explanation of sort of the emotional weight of the relationship feels one-sided, where I feel like I'm the one initiating connection, emotional conversations, maybe even intimacy. I'm the one who's monitoring, like how are we doing, trying to take that temperature and then trying to, like, help our relationship grow, and then I mean sometimes that's a combination of both the person who feels like they're doing all the division of labor.
Speaker 3:Those kids, those can have crossover. I don't think, though, that they necessarily do Right, right, right right.
Speaker 2:And so that's a. That is kind of how that scenario sounds. And then you said I think that these conversations can come up as situational problems or perpetual problems. Those are concepts from our I was going to say our good friend, but they're not our good friend. I don't know why.
Speaker 3:I was saying that For people we respect.
Speaker 2:Yes from the well-known relationship researchers that we have no relationship with the Gottmans and they talk about that. What do you want to define with those?
Speaker 3:No, I don't. I feel like you. You want me, yes.
Speaker 2:It's not that you don't want to define them, you just don't want to be the one.
Speaker 3:It's not that I don't want them to find. I would like for you to define them.
Speaker 2:Okay, because you think I would interrupt you.
Speaker 3:I do.
Speaker 2:As you man, I hate to say. I think you're right.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:I, I and I.
Speaker 3:I, you say I am.
Speaker 2:I know, I know, I know. So, yeah, so the Gottmans described conflict or problems in terms of situational things or perpetual problems. So a situational problem might be we're having a conflict around a particular decision or a particular stage of our life. You know we're we're arguing about finances right now, or we are arguing about whether we should move, or we're arguing about a tough dynamic or relationship. It kind of a situational thing. A perpetual conflict generally relates to conflicts that are related to your personality, to your attachment patterns, to sort of deep-seated qualities of who we are as human beings that aren't going to change necessarily. They might, they're going to change, but they're never going to disappear.
Speaker 2:Let's put it that way, because our attachment styles can become more or patterns can become more secure and those kinds of things, but there's still things in our relationship that are just going to be there because that's who we are, so like a perpetual and you learn how to address them.
Speaker 3:It's not like oh, we just have to accept them and pretend they aren't there.
Speaker 2:You learn how to talk about them. I just interrupted you. That's okay, I'm fine with it. I know I interrupt you, so you know it's kind of like.
Speaker 3:See, they're half. Yeah, that's what you get.
Speaker 2:Gotcha, but it's kind of like so I'm more avoidantly or dismissively attached. That can change, but also I'm going to have a trend throughout our whole relationship of being avoidantly and dismissively attached and that's going to create particular conflicts that we just have to learn how to navigate and work through in an effective way.
Speaker 3:Yes. So what I was meaning when I said that great job, Well done.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:I like your definition.
Speaker 3:I think a lot of times I mean we are talking, I think perhaps some of you are not parents and you're sort of wondering about this whole world or you just are interested in growing your relationship, but a lot of times I think the couples listening to this, the couples we are interacting with, are parents and I think that parenting is one of those contexts that can feel like we just got to make it through this season, or like I'm thinking about us honestly.
Speaker 3:So what we've been doing is this question Well, when and I think this happens so often when a couple has a kid, there's this idea of like hey, this, probably 18 months is going to be tough, we're both learning a lot, we're both not sleeping enough, we're both probably pretty overwhelmed.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Trying to find ourselves, learn this routine, find a family rhythm, like all these things, and I think that the way we do that is both a perpetual problem and a situational problem. So I think that some of the ways you get through stress is you get through stress. You do the stress Like we?
Speaker 2:got to wake up, lock it down, withdraw a little bit, just start doing stuff yeah.
Speaker 3:Because stuff has to get done, I can do it. Here we go and I, in stress, am like hey, if we have to do this really hard, stressful thing, like let's make sure we're in this together and like let's make sure we're talking about, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm kind of saying it in a single voice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, without, but like.
Speaker 3:But I'm like let's slow it down. Let's make sure we're like together on every step and do this thing together. And those two things aren't immediately compatible.
Speaker 2:Well, and this is where they can feel one-sided right, where you feel like, in the midst of this challenging time, I'm sitting here taking care of the emotional part of the relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, erin's like.
Speaker 2:I'm checking in, let's stay connected, let's talk about how we're feeling about what's happening, and then I can feel like I'm taking care of, like the logistics side of things, like, look, I'm getting the stuff done, yes, and then I'm not sitting here, not trying to take care of us to be present to like I'm trying to help us, I'm trying to get us to this destination where we can come back and reconnect. And.
Speaker 3:I think a lot of times couples in that context both feel like the relationship is one-sided.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:And they feel like that.
Speaker 3:But I do think once we have this conversation probably like two or three conversations in turns out both partners are feeling like I am doing my best with what I know how to do and how to do it, because when couples approach this they're not like, hey, I'm going to be really task oriented and I'm going to get a bunch of stuff done and in 18 months I'll check back in Like that's not how it Right?
Speaker 3:No one knows that's what they're doing. It's just what they've learned and adopted to doing. But don't you think it's like two or three conversations in, or so? Yeah, yeah or not even that long always.
Speaker 2:And then I think how that the kind of the Erin, the gripe between the two is so like Stephen's gripe would be Erin isn't helping me, she's not doing Like, she's saying it's a one-sided relationship, she's doing everything but she's not like doing all the task. And you might, your gripe towards Stephen might be like, hey, you're not doing anything to help tend to the relationship in the midst of this stress, and does that make Like? Would you agree with that?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think I'm stuck on the word gripe.
Speaker 2:Oh, let's use a different word.
Speaker 3:Well, you just mean like conflict or hurt.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like the sticking point.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:The thing that the partner, the energy, the negative energy we're feeling between each other is. I'm like, oh, you know, erin's not doing anything to like help, this is so one-sided. And you're like, oh, stephen's not doing anything to help in the midst of this stress, this is so one-sided.
Speaker 3:I think that's probably true. I think the way I would say it, which may be exactly the same, but just my own language. I don't. It's hard for me to know.
Speaker 2:Use your own language.
Speaker 3:Go ahead. I hear the Stephen say it, or at least the way I've interpreted. What you say is that I am tired of being characterized as not being a part of this relationship, Like I-.
Speaker 2:Like being told I'm not doing anything.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like or that, I don't care about us or that I'm not working to connect with you or take care of us or that you're in this alone. That like. I can't understand how you could possibly feel like this is a one-sided relationship when I feel like I wake up and every breath of my day is for our family.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like all I feel like I'm doing is caring for the family by all the stuff I'm doing.
Speaker 3:Yes, Now am I offering presence and engagement. I think-.
Speaker 2:Absolutely not no.
Speaker 3:But I think that they can't acknowledge that until they feel like they're acknowledged and like you do see what I am doing right?
Speaker 2:Well, I mean to be honest, I mean because, yeah, we have had this conversation and I think for myself Just once, just one time.
Speaker 3:That one time. Remember that time.
Speaker 2:And we worked through it and you know what? It's been great ever since. No, but I think, yes, we've had this conversation a lot, and I think for myself, in that stressed place of constantly being focused on the task and things like that, like I'm actually not aware that I'm disengaged, oh no, or that I'm not involved, but I didn't know that initially. Yeah, yeah, and I don't say that as an excuse either. Oh no, I know, I'm just saying like yeah.
Speaker 3:Yes, but I think that that is why knowing it's a perpetual problem is helpful.
Speaker 2:Right right.
Speaker 3:Because that is what you are going to do in stress. So we will have to, at each age and stage of our family's development, have this conversation again, because I will have to say we've lost you.
Speaker 2:Well, and then I think the opposite gripe.
Speaker 3:Is that what you were gonna say?
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, I just think from my end. I think so when you are taking care of our relationship by checking in and wanting to have some of those more like emotional and just communicative and general, like human interaction kind of check-ins, like let's talk about this, like what are you thinking? What are you feeling, whereas I'm sort of locked into just doing stuff, I think initially, but because I didn't understand that that's your way, of like, dealing with your stress, and then also, checking in.
Speaker 2:And it's really useful. We really need you. That's a really useful thing.
Speaker 3:Well, I think this is important. Both are really useful, right, both yeah?
Speaker 2:There isn't a bad way here, it's just being able to know and make some choices and not just react to these and to perceive one another's care yes, and the right, like because I would, I would, you know, in some ways I would perceive that as kind of a miss, or like an interruption, or like that's not important right now, like we can't, like that's not gonna help us get through whatever it is we're trying to get through, but then also recognizing, oh no, like no, it really will, like we need both of these things and me just appreciating and accepting that influence from you and that yes, and I think the opposite gripe hurt area of whatever concern is from the Aaron side of being like I'm not trying to say you're doing nothing, except I think sometimes Aaron has said what you're doing isn't what I need, Isn't?
Speaker 3:I think it can be dismissive. I know I have been dismissive of those things in the past from a hurt place, which again isn't an excuse. That is the explanation of why I dismiss or minimize what you are doing, cause I feel like, well, great, we're gonna arrive 18 months later the most well-prepared people, but pretty much feeling disconnected and like we don't know each other at all.
Speaker 2:And I think that that's my dismissive part is to say none of that stuff's important, Like what's important is just to get this stuff done and like that's how we end up.
Speaker 3:Like you end up missing one another and I think this is why nervous systems matter, because I don't think either of us is actually trying to say what the other one's doing doesn't matter, but how we are perceiving what the other one is doing is threatening, because I'm saying I don't wanna just make it there. I'd like to feel like we think this is a special connective time and I think you're saying we can't just sit around and like coot a baby.
Speaker 2:We have to like make sure there's that is good too.
Speaker 1:I mean whatever. I know what you mean.
Speaker 3:Yeah, of course. Of course there's plenty of that, but like also Stephen doesn't like babies. We have to like put the electricity things in there. The house has to be baby-proofed because this little person's gonna be moving soon and they can't be sticking their finger in an outlet Like whatever.
Speaker 2:I'm grasping at examples here but, that's sort of the idea of like there are some things that need to be done to care for this human, including going to work paying our bills Well, and I think that there is a reality where oftentimes in the conversation, where one, when someone's saying the relationship, feels one-sided, I think the underlying thing is both partners are not feeling appreciated and understood and seen and valued for what they're doing. I do think like fundamentally, there might be a well there is. There's a situation where there probably is inequity, where maybe one partner, maybe the partner, is carrying all of the task load and all of the emotional load. Like that is there isn't inequity there, Like that should be addressed.
Speaker 3:Well, it has to be, Because no emotional equity is going to be enough. If it feels like there isn't an equitable division, like if I'm carrying all the tasks, but you're checking on me. That doesn't feel loving either.
Speaker 2:Well, one. I think that where couples get stuck is they get stuck on not valuing one another. And if you can value one another and say, look, I'm not trying to say you're not doing anything, that what you're doing isn't important, it is if you can get to that place, then you can have the other conversation. If there is an inequity about like, so how do we balance this? Because I do feel that there's an inequity and so I think that that's important and equity also doesn't have to mean 50-50.
Speaker 3:I think one of my favorite conversations I've been hearing a lot lately in the relationship world is relationships aren't 50-50 all the time. No, but they have to be agreed upon whatever.
Speaker 2:The 60-40 has to be an agreement.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and the person carrying the 40 at that time has to be willing to acknowledge like, hey, you do have 40 or 60% of you are carrying 60% of our family right now I see it, I know it and this is what I'm going to be able to check back in, for whatever reasons. And if that's not shared and agreed upon and sort of time stamped for how long I'm willing to do this, it won't work. It can't work Right.
Speaker 2:Because I think that's really true. I think relationships it's interesting. We talk about this a lot in terms of grief, but I think it's just a lot in terms of life. They're not always balanced when a couple is grieving the same kind of loss, whether it's a pregnancy loss or the death of a loved one or the loss of a job or the removing and the loss of a community, whatever it might be. You're both grieving, and it's hard to do that at the same time and undoubtedly it's Well.
Speaker 3:at the same time, in exactly the same ways.
Speaker 2:Right. So sometimes in grief what it feels like is one partner is really steeped in their grief and the other partner is just kind of sitting there doing all the other stuff, trying to live life, function, keep things moving, and then they flip flop and then the other partner who is steeped in their grief goes to functioning and the other partner gets steeped in their grief and in that way I think it's easier to maybe understand that a little bit in terms of grief. But I think that that's true in life too. In the day to day there are those imbalances and it can feel one-sided and you need to be able to talk about them, you need to be able to acknowledge them, you need to be able to value one another's contribution and, as you said, if there isn't inequity, you need to agree upon like we're okay with this for this period of time or we're not okay with this, and these are the things that we need to do to shift it, and so I think, yeah, that's crucial.
Speaker 3:So I think one of the next questions, like I can almost hear it being asked, is so what do we do Like? I do feel like our relationship is one-sided or our relationship is. It doesn't have to be. I'm not trying to minimize the reality by saying like it feels this way, but my suggestion I think I'm curious what yours would be is like I agree. If it does feel like I'm in a one-sided relationship to be able to say that in a way that is an invitation and not an accusation like or an attack.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think most when the way yeah.
Speaker 3:accusation and attack yeah, yes, it is.
Speaker 2:I think attack, though, carries with it some of the. It describes the level of defensiveness that is returned Sure and a deeper way, but it also, I think, if there is, an attack.
Speaker 3:It describes the level of hurt that is trying to be addressed right, which neither one excused the defense or the attack, but like if there's attack and defense, it's because it's important and there's something that really, really matters, trying to be addressed that likely won't be hurt because of the system. But I think the feeling of this feels one-sided, Like how do you?
Speaker 2:So you're saying, like, how you have to bring it up in a way that is an invitation.
Speaker 3:It could be as simple as hey, aaron and Steven, they were talking about this. They're sort of put out in the world that if one partner's feeling like things are one-sided, maybe both partners are feeling like this. Like, are you feeling that?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And if not?
Speaker 2:Throw us under the bus.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, we'll take that, but like, how did we get here? Like how did I think there are just some really gentle ways to approach this where you can get to the hurt places rather than leading with the anger, because both are probably present yeah. It doesn't feel good to feel alone in your relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Well, I think one of the it's even just saying like hey, there's something that's really important I want to talk to you about and like I don't. I want to understand how you think and feel about this and I want to be able to express to you how I think and feel about this. It might feel like a hard topic when I bring it up, but I really want to work together on this.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we arrived here together. Could we get out of here together?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and even sometimes just forecasting the conversation can help.
Speaker 3:Sometimes forecasting helps. Sometimes for couples that have a history of conversations not going well, I think forecasting can feel.
Speaker 2:Can create, can forecast, on the other side, but I think that you have to know.
Speaker 3:I mean, that's a we don't know where you are. But yeah, I think that there has to be a shared accountability for how we've arrived in this place. That's the only way we can share accountability and like so, what's the plan? How? Do we want to get out of this. How can we meet each other? And very likely it has to do with being able to validate what the other person has been trying to do, even if it's misses. I mean so often the ways we try to care for our partner don't feel caring to our partner.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But that doesn't mean they haven't tried.
Speaker 2:That's right and even to value what your partner has done and to accept what they've done. Even if there is an inequity like doesn't mean that you're saying there isn't an inequity and the way I feel isn't valid.
Speaker 2:It's just simply acknowledging that you're both a part of the relationship and you're both doing stuff and that's important and you appreciate what is being done. And what you're wanting to talk about is how do we, how do we, how can we talk about this topic Because it's probably gonna come up again and again in our relationship and how it just is.
Speaker 3:It just is it doesn't we get better at having it? So I think it feels less like oh, we didn't even really have to have that conversation. We kind of know what we mean. But I honestly think, like almost as soon as a couple us included feel like okay, it's a brand new stage, a new age we're I mean for us. At this point, I feel like we spend a lot of events, weeknights, tournaments apart like physically apart. So there is this like how is your day?
Speaker 2:Right, that's true, or?
Speaker 3:even if we've been together at the same tournaments all day long. It's not like we're like hey buddy. But I just mean, like it doesn't go away.
Speaker 2:Right, right, and so it's more of an acceptance that relationships do end up feeling one-sided. Oftentimes there is An acknowledgement. I don't you don't like the acceptance. Well, maybe we mean the same thing. I think we do mean the same thing.
Speaker 3:I think acceptance means like. For me, acceptance means like some defeat of like, so I just have to like drop my bar and accept that we are gonna.
Speaker 2:I know, I think that's a mischaracterization of what that word means, Like in just general, I think acceptance just from a standpoint of this is normal. This is, this happens. This isn't bad, and the reason and the fact that it's a reality in our life just means that it's a reality in our life. How can we accept it, acknowledge it and then move towards?
Speaker 3:Yeah, move towards, I think, acceptance without intention and movement and growth and some work doesn't feel good, but acceptance as a part of, like a part of movement, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're being a little Lettages, we're being nuanced about the words.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they matter, but yeah, so to be able to accept, acknowledge and then be able to invite one another to have the conversation. About what we need to be different About what yes, about what we need to be different and not get in that criticize, defend cycle. It is, I think, the process that works and I think that it can be again like you were saying, erin, like as simple as like hey, I heard this conversation on a podcast Like what do you think? Like it can be exploratory, like that.
Speaker 3:I think I was just thinking about this today. I was doing an Instagram post honestly and writing the caption and thinking about a lot of times couples dread these types of conversations and this type of work, even because it feels like it's gonna be heavy, it's gonna be hard we're gonna fight a lot and I think that there can be some heavy things talked about and I think that there can be some conflict.
Speaker 3:I think it can sometimes even be heavy, but I don't think that that has to be the like overall feel of these types of conversations. I feel very much, especially the more comfortable we get, being uncomfortable in them, I feel like we can really enjoy the conversations even and own our own contribution. Like I don't love saying that I can be critical and I can just sort of just dismiss anything that I feel like Stephen has done for us, because there's that one thing that I'm stuck on.
Speaker 2:Or that I can get defensive, or that I can be critical. Sure, sure.
Speaker 3:And Stephen has said before, I can be very defensive, but that isn't our trend. He doesn't tend to be the one who's coming at me, so I don't, but it does happen. I don't love that, but I can also acknowledge that, because that's mostly not how we interact Well, yeah, but I think that Trust that we're both trying to not behave in those ways. I trust that we're both trying to connect and move towards each other.
Speaker 2:Well, I think the thing, like you said yes, these can be hard conversations, but the whole I mean honestly our whole little shtick, our whole little bit is that you can have these conversations in a way that feels collaborative and feels like you're a team and can help you and your partner feel connected and closer, and so that the courage to take the risk to have the conversation and then to have the conversation in a caring, loving manner actually brings your relationship to a point where you're like, oh, this thing that was making us not feel close actually is the thing that has helped bring us close. Are you and your partner wanting to have the kind of connective communication that we talked about in this podcast? Well, you can, and we have a great workshop that can help you both get started. So go to couplescountingforparentscom and check out our Communication 101 workshop and our workshops tab. This is a great workshop to help you and your partner learn some of the basic communication skills that you need to have these kinds of connective conversations. Or you can try out our membership, where you get access to all of our workshops and also our weekly worksheets. That are a great tool to help you and your partner connect on a weekly basis. So again, go to couplescountingforparentscom and check out our Communication 101 workshop or our membership.
Speaker 2:Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents. And remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.