Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
How to Make Up After a Fight
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Have you ever had a fight with your partner that left you both feeling distant and unsure of how to reconnect? In this episode of Couples Counseling for Parents, Erin and Dr. Stephen Mitchell dive deep into the art of repairing after conflict. Using the relatable story of Trey and Addie, they illustrate how unresolved arguments can create emotional distance, while offering practical scripts and steps to help you break the cycle.
You’ll learn about the importance of acknowledgment, validation, and action when it comes to making up after a fight. Erin and Stephen explore how our childhood experiences with conflict shape our adult relationships, and how shifting from defensiveness to understanding can foster deeper connection. With real-life examples and actionable advice, this episode will guide you toward healthier communication and stronger bonds with your partner—especially when things get tough.
Tune in for expert advice, thoughtful reflections, and practical scripts you can use to reconnect after your next argument. Whether it’s a small disagreement or an ongoing conflict, you’ll leave this episode with the tools to bridge the gap and restore closeness in your relationship.
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents, a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken.
Erin:Here are our parents, our dad Dr Stephen Mitchell and our mom Erin Mitchell.
Stephen:Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples, counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and on today's show we want to talk about how do you make up after a fight?
Erin:Sure, it's important, it's common, it's something we all need, because any relationship will have some arguments, some conflict and some of that weird awkward tension after a fight. That's right.
Stephen:And it's a skill that you can learn Absolutely. So we want to talk about that. We're going to get at it by. We're going to give you a little case example Trey and Addie All right, they're having some challenges and see if you resonate with any of this.
Stephen:Trey and Addie have been off relationally They've just been off for a week. It all started the previous weekend when Addie and Trey were talking and Addie said to Trey that she was feeling frustrated with his work schedule and how much he had been gone the previous week and that she hoped the coming week would not be more of the same. Trey had been working a lot and, although this was not typical, he did have certain seasons that got busy, like this past week at work, and he had talked with Addie a month ago and warned her that he would be moving into one of these quote unquote busy seasons, and he did this in an effort to give her a heads up. In fact, he had been intentional about doing this in an effort to avoid the very conversation that he and Addie fought about over the weekend. It was a tough weekend and neither Trey nor Addie felt like the other understood why they were upset.
Stephen:Addie appreciated Trey being intentional about letting her know his work week would be busier, but that didn't mean she liked it or that more of the household and parenting responsibilities didn't fall to her while she also worked. And this was overwhelming and felt unfair. Trey felt like he tried to give Addie a heads up about the increased workload so she could be prepared and not get mad at him. In fact, last time they had this fight, one of the things she said is that she wished he had just given her a little advanced notice. So that's exactly what he did, and she was still frustrated with him. As Trey and Addie moved into the week, they didn't feel as upset with one another, but it had been such a long weekend of feeling disconnected. They just felt awkward about trying to make up and reconnect. The last thing they wanted was to fight again. But they also didn't like the awkwardness of feeling so unresolved and feeling distant.
Erin:It's good, it's a good one, it's real right, it is real.
Stephen:Like it's real and I think that it is so strange or at least I think it can feel strange when you want to be close to your partner but you're not quite sure how to be close to your partner, because either you feel bad or you're afraid of a fight, or there is just that after fight, awkwardness.
Erin:It's right, and I think that this is a very story, informed thing, and by that, the experiences you had in your childhood, how you saw conflict, demonstrated how you saw repair demonstrated comes big time into play in conversations like these.
Stephen:Yeah, it informs like that stuck place, because I would say a lot of individuals saw from their caregivers one or two things, or I guess there could be three options. So maybe you saw like healthy conflict resolution, that's great. Or maybe you saw no one said anything, they just the event happened, they stuffed the emotions, they just moved on and acted like everything was okay until the next big fight. Or they held on to the tension and that was expressed in aggressiveness or passive aggressiveness or being antagonistic towards one another. In other words, the fight never felt like it ended, it just there was always a tension that floated around.
Erin:Yes, I think this idea of the partner or the parent and, as we're thinking back, that stuffed everything, I think a lot of the times I hear this come up, especially when I'm working individually with clients is, they say. Honestly, it's typically like my dad always won.
Stephen:Right.
Erin:And my mom just had to take responsibility and pretend that her feelings weren't hurt. He was never going to take any accountability for any part of it. So she just was like oh it's. Oh, I must have made that up. Oh it's fine, I'm fine. Oh it's fine now. And then just shuts it down or just takes the blame, and I think that's a pretty common dynamic from a generation ago.
Stephen:Sure.
Erin:But I do think that's what that sort of stuffing can look like, especially for I know I saw my mom do that.
Stephen:One of the things I think to someone might say well, why is it important? Like to make up, but why does that matter? And I think that it. This is really important because these moments, these unresolved moments, if they stay that way, begin to stack up and it's like there's this slow, glacial creep of disconnection that happens between partners, and what one unresolved moment becomes is three, and then three becomes a pattern, and then that pattern becomes the thing that happens in your relationship is you both feel something strongly. You maybe feel you have a conflict. It never gets resolved and so no one walks away.
Stephen:If you heard what we said, trey and Addie both felt something very important and they felt like the other didn't understand it. Now think about if you have a pattern of that being how you go through conflict with your partner. You're going to have a pattern of feeling like my partner doesn't understand me and they don't care, or I can't express myself, and that does not lead to a ethos of connection for a parenting partner. So I think that's why this is important. And then the question is so what are we talking about? How do we make up after a fight Psychological kind of nerdy term for that is we're talking about repairing. When there's been a broken connection, we're talking about repairing that connection.
Erin:Right.
Stephen:And what does that entail?
Erin:Of course yes, and I does. That entail I try to focus on with couples. I try to think this in my own little mantra we're both probably right.
Stephen:Yeah, there's something right about both of Addie and Trey's perspective Absolutely.
Erin:And I like the something. Right, there is something, and so what is that Like? How do we get there? I?
Stephen:just add to that like, at the very least the something right being like this is their experience. But then also I think we're talking a little bit deeper that both of them are trying to communicate something very important. I hear Trey trying to communicate, like I was trying to be intentional and listen to what you asked me to do last time, in a way to show you, Addie, I'm listening.
Erin:I know this didn't feel good. And not just that I'm listening yes, that I'm listening, but also because your experience matters to me, right, right because you matter, and I think Addie's trying to communicate just my experience.
Stephen:I feel really overwhelmed. I need help. This is too much.
Erin:Also me saying and her saying this has been really hard, isn't saying, and I wish you wouldn't have told me, or it's your fault and you're to blame.
Stephen:Or just because you told me doesn't make it easier. Correct Is the thing. So I think that those are the kind of key principles, the something right in each of their experiences that they're trying to communicate. And so what? What could, what can Trey and Addie do in terms of repair? And I'm going to break it down this way I think repair entails a couple of components. I think the first component I would say is it entails acknowledgement or validation of the experience. Now, notice, I didn't that doesn't mean agreement, but it does mean we have to acknowledge and validate our partner's experience how they got to where they got in terms of how they feel and what it means to them. And then the next step after that is action.
Erin:So what do we do next time this happens so that it can feel resolved and different and I've said it a thousand times, I will say it a thousand more validation without action is offensive.
Stephen:Yeah.
Erin:It is so harmful it's it is offensive.
Stephen:Yeah. So I think what might that look like? What is a, what is something that Trey could say to Addie that would communicate his acknowledgement and validation. So this is maybe something that you could say.
Erin:I think that if you're looking for a go-to and find what works for you but I believe you, this has been really hard, I think what Addie was looking for. If I'm Addie and I have been Addie in this moment, I was like, oh, you said Trey and Addie, that's cute. If I'm Addie and I have been Addie in this moment, I was like, oh, you said Trey and Addie, that's cute.
Stephen:You meant Steven and Aaron. I got that phrase just because you told me doesn't make it any easier from you. Direct quote yeah, oh, that sounds familiar. Aaron has said that to me before.
Erin:But I think what the Addies in this situation are looking for is I believe you, this is really hard. This does fall on you. We prepped for it Doesn't mean it changes the difficulty factor of the week. It's really tough. So here's.
Stephen:I'll just here's a little script. Now, this might not be how you say it, but maybe it'll. Maybe it could spark some ideas. Trey coming to Addie to acknowledge and validate could sound something like this Trey coming to Addie to acknowledge and validate could sound something like this hey, I know that I told you I was going to be working more last week, but I can understand that just knowing it was happening didn't mean it would be any easier. I can see that you are trying to tell me this has been a hard week. Hard week Now, in that all Trey did was say I get how you got where you got in terms of why you communicated what she communicated. Could there have been a better way to communicate it? Absolutely, but Trey wasn't focused on that. Trey was just focused on believing Addie's experience and trying to acknowledge that to her, I get.
Stephen:Hey, I get that this didn't make it any easier. And in an equal way, addie could then respond in a way saying I can see how my comment didn't land right for you. You specifically tried to do what I asked you to do last time we had this fight and then I still got upset. I imagine that felt confusing. I do appreciate that you told me ahead of time and I think when partners feel that acknowledgement and validation, they don't have to push against each other anymore. They are not in a contentious place.
Erin:Well, you can so easily see how what this podcast could be about, or what the next one could be about, is criticism and accountability or defensiveness or any of those types of words, because it's so easy for Addie to be saying that this is hard, I'm having a hard week, this is a lot on me could be experienced as and you did this- and it's your fault.
Erin:And you can see how Trey could very easily say it's not my fault. I told you it was going to be a hard week on you, Right Defensive about something that doesn't need defense.
Stephen:Right.
Erin:It's just an experience.
Stephen:And so I think one of the one of the places where this gets difficult because doesn't that all sound nice. I think Trey and Addie are going to be okay. We're going to evaluate next how they can move into the action phase and their relationship's going to make it. They're going to be good.
Stephen:But a lot of people and we hear this from a lot of people like that's not how it goes, or that's not how people talk to each other, or I would never, my partner would never say that to me. I think that there's a very key component here that we're saying Trey and Addie did, which is, first off, they had to reflect on their own experience to understand what about that? What Trey had to think, what about what Addie said to me, frustrates me. Addie had to think about what about Trey's reaction was frustrating to me. If you notice, you have to think through what is going on here and that's how Trey and Addie can get to that place where Trey's able to say, hey, I get what you're saying, it was just more work for you, and Addie can be like I get how you were trying to do exactly what we talked about.
Stephen:But yeah, there's still other things, and so that that is a really important piece of this. So this is what this can sound like, after both partners take some accountability and responsibility to think about what is going on here, like why am I responding the way I'm responding?
Erin:I agree. I think in looking for that script, because I think we're all looking for scripts. Everybody wants the script Just tell me what to say. I think that sort of like this is a specific script about this situation, but the generalizable one tell me what you think about this is in your own brain. I believe their experience.
Stephen:Yeah.
Erin:How can I prove them right?
Stephen:I like that, In other words, Trey being like, okay, I believe Addie's experience. She's telling me she's frustrated, she's telling me that me saying like giving her forewarning wasn't like enough, it's still. I can believe that Like how could that be true? Yeah, and he goes through it and you say I believe your experience.
Erin:Oh, this was a really hard week. This was a hard week and you prove it right. Yes, that more fell on you yes, and then opposite, addie says I believe that Trey was trying to prevent this moment.
Stephen:How can?
Erin:I prove him right. I know, I said that last time.
Stephen:You did do the thing yeah.
Erin:You didn't blow this conversation Right. You didn't ask for this to be harder for me.
Stephen:I believe you? Yeah, like I can see why that would be frustrating. That's great, I believe you. How can I prove them right?
Erin:Because, what we're looking for is our partner to say honestly we're looking for them to counteract whatever negative belief we have in our mind. But, what we want is for them to see us and move towards us and say I get it, I see it again. I don't have to agree with it or love how it was communicated.
Stephen:No, but you're right.
Erin:Oh, I can see it. It doesn't mean it's the only true thing here, but that is a true thing.
Stephen:I see it, you're right, and so then so that kind of ability to say, I believe you, how can I prove you right, then it can lead into. It can lead into action where, if you notice, if someone says, I believe you, I want to prove you right, you don't want to fight with that person, you don't want to push against them, that's what you want, and instantly that broken connection can begin to feel repaired, so that then you can say, okay, what could we do? And I think that puts you back in a connected place collaborating, working together.
Erin:What we've done there is you've removed the problem from each other. We're now like the problem isn't between you. You have taken this problem. I'm using hand gestures which I'm feeling very much like you, Stephen.
Stephen:Her hands are in between us.
Erin:You're taking it from between us and we're moving it to before both of us. So we're shoulder to shoulder and we're looking at this together, like because we're together, you're with me, I'm with you.
Stephen:We see this, yep, and so what that could sound, so what that might sound like in this made up but very real scenario is Trey coming and saying something like hey, so it seems like just telling you that I'll be working more is not the total fix. What more can we add to the plan for next time this happens? Yeah, it's a very understanding question, right? They're like oh, this wasn't enough, we need more, addie. Yeah, I think I thought knowing you were going to be more busy would be enough. I hate feeling surprised by work weeks like this.
Stephen:So on one hand, that was really helpful, but it seems I might need something added to the early warning. There was just a lot more for me to do. Then I thought, okay, great, and so then you're moving into practically, what do we do? And Trey might come and say you know what it looks like. We need to have more people available that can help us. What about my sister? What about the nanny? What about our next door neighbors, the Williams, who are just our best buds and have kids similar to our kids age? Could we maybe lean on them a little more, like those kinds of practical? Maybe this could be a solve.
Erin:So I love the fix. Right, I love the action. I love the fix. I love that the action comes after the shared experience moment, because when we try to move too quickly into fixing, like if you skip the part where-.
Stephen:The acknowledgement and validation piece. If you skip the piece where it's. I believe your experience and I get how you got there If you skip that, you're still going to be unresolved.
Erin:Absolutely. It's going to be like cool, I'm the problem that you're trying to fix, love it, and by love it, I hate it, or it'll be like you might feel it, or Trey's, oh great.
Stephen:I can't wait for us to come up with an idea that won't work again like we did last time. Right right right, right, and if you notice, that's how you get these unresolved moments stack up Right, you begin to have a pattern of not being able to resolve and you have a relationship that remains disconnected.
Erin:Yes. So these are not just good ideas. These are psychologically sound, research-informed steps. This is a one, two, three type of situation but, to be honest, sometimes the fix isn't a fix. So, stephen, I love what you said. Trey could say Maybe it's this Maybe we bring in neighbors, maybe we do have a nanny, maybe we do have a sister who can help, maybe we have grandparents, or maybe you're like the Mitchells used to be when our kids were really young and you had none of those things and all we had was I just need for you to acknowledge this.
Erin:So Stephen would work 12 hour days, and not all the time, but not never either and I needed him to be like this was a lot. This puts so much extra on you and then you know what I could say. It's not like your day was roses, because that is the other side. That partner also needs validated, but you can't ask for that without the mutuality of it.
Erin:So yeah, but sometimes it's just there isn't more we could have done. We did all the things. I still need you to say this is a tough week and text me throughout the day and say you're crushing it, I can't believe you're doing it. It's overwhelming and I can't wait for next week when you can have a break or whatever it is.
Stephen:It's such a great statement. Sometimes the fix is just the acknowledgement and the validation, because practically there might not be.
Erin:There isn't always an action, and if there is, fantastic, don't skip it, take it, but there isn't always. We don't always have that option.
Stephen:So I think there's so practically okay. How do we take this from Trey and Addie's imaginary life into your real life? I think that there's some things that you can think about that you and your partner can address and try. When you have a conflict and you're asking yourself that question, how do we make up? And I think that there's things that you can think about as the individual in that relationship, and then there's some things you can try about as the individual in that relationship, and then there's some things you can try and imagine and think about in relationship to your partner. So I'm going to just list a few questions. So one question when you have a conflict with your partner, what about this made me frustrated, angry or sad? What about this made me frustrated, angry or sad? This gets at that idea of what is it that I want my partner to acknowledge and validate.
Erin:Yes, I think the way to say this too is I believe my experience. What was it?
Stephen:Yeah, yeah, prove it to yourself. Yes, yeah, love it. I just gave you like a shoulder, like a yeah, good job, way to go Like we're playing sports or something. Yeah, prove it to yourself. Yes, good, love it, love it. I just gave you like a shoulder, like a yeah, good job, Way to go it's like we're playing sports or something.
Stephen:The next question you can ask is what might have made my partner frustrated, angry or sad? Is that what they might want me to acknowledge and validate? So, as you try to again and that just gets to like I want to believe my partner's experience and I want to try to prove why they're saying that.
Erin:I think that one is a tricky one, if I'm being honest.
Stephen:Yeah, I get it I like it.
Erin:I think you need to, I think you even have to, but you're probably going to be wrong and that can be frustrating. But different partners respond to that in different ways. Stephen has said about me our entire relationship and before it was Stephen it was my mom saying I am someone who needs something to say no to.
Stephen:Aaron needs something to say no to.
Erin:Aaron needs something to say no to. So Stephen can be like hey, I bet that really hurt your feelings that I said that and I'm like no, it didn't hurt my feelings that you said that I was angry that you did this. Oh, and suddenly it's very clear for me what was happening. But so be prepared to be wrong and if you are that partner, recognize it for the attempt and the effort to move towards that. It is yeah, that's all.
Stephen:Yeah, and then I second question that you can ask yourself is what would I have liked my partner to have done instead or said instead? And this is potentially a clue into the action that you can take after that acknowledgement and validation pieces happen.
Stephen:No question and then. So you're asking yourself that question and then you're thinking about for your partner. If I had to imagine what my partner would have liked for me to have done or said, what would it be? And that's you again imagining what potentially might be the action step that we can take. But in relationship to your partner, again, I like that Assume you might not get it right, but also take that as your partner's effort to try and understand.
Erin:Absolutely. I think it's also really important again, as someone who needs something to say no to. It's really unfair for me to hope that Steven's just going to get it right next time without saying let's try this Right. We have to, and same it all can't be on the Addies or the Aarons to think of the solution. I love that in the example, trey was the one who said how about this?
Stephen:Yeah, it has to be collaborative, yeah, yeah, yeah, and so then. So then, after you've thought about those questions, then you've got to try to start or initiate the conversation, and I think that can also feel a little I don't know. And so here's just a few again. These aren't things you have to do or say, but they're just to throw out some ideas so that then you can tweak them as you might want to. So here's some ways that maybe, potentially, you could begin that conversation of repair. I was thinking about our fight and I clearly was not understanding you. Can we try again? Or hey, I know we're feeling off, but I do want to be close. Can I share something I've been thinking about? Last one hey, I've had some time to calm down and gather my thoughts. Can we talk? That might not be how you say it, and honestly, maybe you should say it that way. If that's not how you would say it or you can't find the language, just copy it and see what happens.
Erin:Stephen regularly says to our clients and we practice this ourselves. It is clunky. It should be clunky. We are trying to state something very obvious, because we don't want it to be missed, that what we're looking for is I miss you, I want to reconnect. This is awkward. So if that's what you say, that, but clunky is not a problem. Clunky gets at the point.
Stephen:The problem is a pattern of disconnection and unresolved conflict. The importance again of this is you want to create a spirit and an ethos within your parenting partner relationship that is one of repair, not one of disconnection and avoiding or hanging on to resentment. So that is so important because, if you think about how we started, oftentimes we deal with conflict as partners, according to what we saw. Wouldn't you love for your kids to see you and your partner having a pattern of repair and ethos of connection in your relationship, so that you change their experience with their partner and their kids experience with their partner for generations to come? When partners feel that acknowledgement and validation, they don't have to push against each other anymore. Hey, before we wrap up today, we want to remind you that conflict isn't the enemy of a healthy relationship. It's actually the path to deeper connection.
Erin:And that's exactly what we explore in our book. Too Tired to Fight. In the book, we break down the 13 essential conflicts that every couple needs to have to keep their relationship strong. We guide you through each one, showing you how to move from feeling stuck in endless arguments to using those moments as a chance to connect and grow stronger together.
Stephen:Whether you're struggling with feeling like the default parent navigating in-laws, or just trying to be understood by your partner, Too Tired to Fight, gives you the tools to turn those pain points into connection points.
Erin:If you want to dive deeper into what we've been discussing on the podcast, the book is a great companion. It's filled with real-life examples, practical strategies and step-by-step guidance on how to have those essential conflicts without feeling like banging your head against the wall with the same fight over and over.
Stephen:So, if you're ready to stop fighting and start connecting, you can grab your copy of Too Tired to Fight on our website, amazon or wherever you get books. And remember every conflict is just an opportunity waiting to be turned into connection.
Erin:Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time.
Stephen:Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents, and remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting. Today's show was produced by Sarah Kuhn, stephen Mitchell and Aaron Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening, thank you, thank you.