Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
Criticism and Conflict: How to Turn Tension Into Teamwork in Your Relationship
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Have you ever found yourself caught in a whirlwind of negative banter with your partner, wondering how it all escalated so quickly? Join us as we explore the pitfalls of critical behavior in relationships through the story of Janelle and Hector. This episode reveals how picking at each other's imperfections can create a cycle of resentment and disconnection. We promise you'll walk away with practical strategies to foster appreciation and teamwork, transforming those tense moments into opportunities for a stronger partnership.
Stress in parenting partnerships can often lead to rigidity and heightened criticism over small, everyday matters. Explore the dynamics of perceived and actual imbalances in relationships and learn how these can lead to feelings of being undervalued. Through candid discussions, we highlight the importance of recognizing each partner's efforts and maintaining a supportive bond. Communication and understanding are key, and we delve into the power of addressing inequalities to create a healthy and thriving relationship.
Finally, we provide a roadmap for turning conflict into connection, using Hector and Janelle's journey as a guide. By embracing each conflict as a chance for growth, we uncover strategies that help recognize the full scope of contributions each partner makes. Discover how shifting perspectives and acknowledging each other's values can transform your interactions, breaking the cycle of repetitive arguments. Listen in for valuable insights and tools to build a more harmonious and loving relationship with your partner.
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Here are our parents our dad, dr Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, erin Mitchell.
Speaker 2:Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and on today's show we want to talk about. What do you do in your partner relationship when it feels like all your partner does is pick out the negative stuff, all the things you're not doing?
Speaker 1:That your partner's looking for your mistakes.
Speaker 2:Like they've got a radar, like they've got like a. You're messing up, doing things wrong like alarm.
Speaker 1:Very relatable. It's a good one.
Speaker 2:All right, so we're going to paint a little picture for you See, if you can, uh, relate. So, janelle and Hector, they feel like they're consistently picking at one another and nagging each other. Just this morning, as the couple was trying to get the kids out the door for school and head to work, janelle noticed that Hector had just stacked all the breakfast dishes on the counter and not loaded them in the dishwasher. As they were filing out the door, she said hey, I'll just take care of those dishes when I come home from work, and then I'll get dinner started too. Hector rolls his eyes and responds Janelle, I did not purposely leave the dishes for you to deal with. I just ran out of time. In case you haven't noticed, all the kids are dressed and have lunches. I'm the one who helped them with that this morning, not you. Is anyone's blood beginning to?
Speaker 1:boil a little bit. I was just going to say it's a good time to check in.
Speaker 2:Shake it off. Shake it off, because it gets even more intense. The chippy banner continued for Hector and Janelle all day. Later in the afternoon Hector called Janelle and the first thing he said was hey, why am I seeing a late fee on our credit card payment? Did you not pay the bill on time this month? Janelle curtly says why? Hello, hector, how has your day been going? And no, I did not pay the bill on time because it was the last bill I had to pay. And when I was paying bills this week, allie came into the home office having just thrown up and I had to help her get cleaned up, and then I spent the rest of the night snuggling her in bed. I just forgot to come back to it.
Speaker 2:This happens for you, right? You and your partner can be just like Janelle and Hector. It's like you have a sixth sense for noticing, highlighting and proclaiming how your partner is disappointing you. Yet this hypersensitivity to your partner's misses can leave you and your partner in a very bad relational place, a place of resentment, constant bickering, feeling like a failure, feeling like you have to police your partner so they get it right, paralyzed, never wanting to do anything. So you don't have to hear about how what you did was wrong. Feeling an ineffective as a parent, feeling unwanted, feeling overburdened and, ultimately, feeling like adversaries and disconnected.
Speaker 1:This is spot on. I think there's a spectrum here. I feel like Hector and Janelle I mean I don't really know where they are on it like hector and janelle, I mean I don't really know where they are on it, but I think before you get to this place, it's maybe a little quieter you know you're not you're not so, you just absorb more I think but I don't think you're less aware of it.
Speaker 2:Each partner you're not chirping as much, you're not? Uh, it gets louder and louder.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, right, right and then I think it can get louder even than this, or or even more cutting or more. I mean, this is pretty hurtful intentionally, frankly, but people get mean. So like of course you did, Of course, of course you forgot the late bill, or you know but so I think that this is a pretty good in the middle. I can see how we could get there if we're here, or like oh yeah, well, we used to be there, now we're here.
Speaker 2:Well, and so some people talk about you know, they talk about these like red flags in parenting partner relationships or yellow flags, and I would say, you know, you said where on the spectrum are Janelle and Hector. I'd say maybe, maybe they're in a yellow flag zone where it's kind of like whoa, our, our critical banter, our kind of evaluative banter, is kind of showing us like whoa, maybe there's something not okay between the two of us. And I think that for you know, y'all listening like where would you and your partner fall? And kind of, is this a yellow flag issue or a red flag issue? Has it gotten a little more sarcastic, a little more mocking, a little more constant? Because I do think that this is reflective of hey, there's something really important that needs to be addressed in our parenting partner relationship.
Speaker 1:Right, I love that. I think that that is exactly what it is. It's the indicator, like whoa we need to look at some things. And then what? Where are these things coming up? So for Hector and Janelle here, it started with the morning routine transition and then she immediately spoke to no problem, I'll handle it while I'm making dinner in the evening routine and I think, like, okay, so that's important moments and topics right. So like you're consistently monitoring my parenting, you're consistently criticizing whatever, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And so I think ideally you know, this is not how it should go right In your parenting partner relationship. You want a feeling of mutual appreciation, you want a relationship where you both recognize one another's value and contribution, this feeling of teamwork, rather than being watched or policing one another and I think you do. To Janelle and Hector's points, both, there was something that happened that was frustrating, sure. So you want to be able to express, hey, I'm concerned about this or I didn't like this, but without it having feeling condescending, critical charge right.
Speaker 1:Charge is an indicator of stack.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because you need to be able to talk about more challenging things. So ideally you would be able to do that, but you know the question being like okay, what? What's going on for Hector Janelle? What's going on for you and your partner if you're finding yourself in this red flag zone? And I think that one of go ahead? Did you just say red flag zone? I meant yellow flag.
Speaker 1:That was my thing, but the other thing I was going to say is the cues, or the indicator that something is charged. I think can both be that I have the lens for looking for your errors and or I am ready to defend myself.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:Like. That level of charge is just as big of a like. Something needs to be addressed.
Speaker 2:Right, right, so your partner could never say anything to you, right? That would be feel critical and someone like it don't talk to me about you know. You can only say, like what I'm doing, great.
Speaker 1:Right. I think both sides of that are indicators like we probably need to have a discussion.
Speaker 2:So. So how does a relationship get to this point? I think that there's many ways that it does. We're going to list out three here. I think one of the first ways that a relationship gets to this point is an individual partner simply is overwhelmed and stressed to the point that they are trying to control. They want something in their life to work out and they want to feel like they have some kind of control In the midst of work and kids and stress and life. Oftentimes we can feel out of control. We can feel like I don't have any say in what is going on, and I think when that happens, it's kind of like we get tight, we we get, we get rigid, we get kind of like we're overflowing. And I think that one of the ways that leaks out is in being more evaluative of our partner. Well, you know what? Like let's really control those late fees on their credit card, or like let's really get those dishes in the in the dishwasher, because that's something that feels like we can control and reduce our stress.
Speaker 1:Also, that partner is primed to be defensive.
Speaker 2:Sure, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean talk about like that is the posture of defense, because you feeling like you must protect. I must.
Speaker 2:Yes, you're braced.
Speaker 1:Yes, you are braced.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so on some level it's just stress reduces our capacity to be open to our partner.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean you use the word rigid and I think anytime we are being rigid I'm about to say something that's just going to knock your socks off it means we are not capable of being flexible. So and I know you're welcome for that valuable insight but I do think that's what we need. Like, if you talk about what teamwork is, it's like oh, you didn't have time for the dishes On it. Like, I have capacity for that. Oh, I don't have capacity for that.
Speaker 1:No big deal On it. And then you have two rigid people Right. That is a stressed context.
Speaker 2:And so that's one way that parenting partners might find themselves in this situation. I think another way is sometimes, being parents and being partners, you wake up and you are like just bumbling and stumbling and clawing to get through the day, because there's so much going on and you are working so hard to be a great partner, to be a great worker, a great parent, a great friend. You're trying your best and sometimes, when we're all trying our best, what we forget is to look at our partner and to notice how hard they are working. And I think sometimes in these places, we just are all so exhausted and feeling like we are working really hard without any any recognition, affirmation, encouragement, appreciation and gratitude being expressed. Sure, and I think that that wears on people over time yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, I mean Hector and Janelle, both right, Like they both spoke to this idea of like. Hector's like yes, I didn't do the dishes, but I was doing other things for the good of our family and our kids. And Janelle the same thing. Yes, I missed the bill, but I was doing something else important. And I think that when we don't feel affirmed, we can feel I don't know if it's defensive, I think it's more're just longing for, for something other than continued like do more right, oh sure.
Speaker 1:So I think the way that I would say that and I think it's just repeating what you're saying is it hurts.
Speaker 1:It hurts to feel like our partner's missing yeah um, some of these big lifts we're doing day in, day out, and then we do start looking Because, again, being vulnerable, one takes a little bit of time and two leaves you vulnerable. We all struggle with this. So to say like hey, I made a really good dinner, like now's your chance. Or, you know, like hey, everybody's, everybody's dressed. Like you also don't want to be like I'm really looking for gold stars, yeah.
Speaker 2:Like pat on the back, yeah, but also we need pats, we need those things right.
Speaker 1:Those are really important and I do think that um prolonged hurt starts to leave us a little calloused and and motivates us to be like you know what. Look what you're not doing, Right.
Speaker 2:And look at what I am doing and it can get really competitive and comparative, which I think means hurt, yeah, right, right Right.
Speaker 2:Right. And then another reason that we think that this can happen is simply that there might be in your parenting partner relationship some imbalances, some things that feel unequal. Janelle was kind of speaking to that. Like there was something about like hey, I've got to come back and also cook dinner and then I got to clean the dishes. Like there was something in that that felt imbalanced perhaps. And I think that when we feel that there's imbalances and they're not acknowledged or there's not an awareness of them, then we can feel primed to defend or speak to our partner in terms of like yeah you're missing this.
Speaker 2:I'm doing all this You're not doing.
Speaker 1:you know what you should be or whatever it might be yes and I think the way you said that, I think, is excellent. The one word is it can feel like there are imbalances.
Speaker 1:Because there are like well, sometimes it just feels that way and you do need to talk it out and be like oh yeah, I have been feeling like that and I have been, I have had that as our lens and you're right, we are pretty balanced because a lot of times when one partner feels that the other one does too. Also, sometimes it is imbalanced in a way that isn't fair and that is wrong and that will naturally deteriorate that teamwork Like this isn't a team like I'm doing everything, and so sometimes I do think it is a feeling and it is like we need to discuss it.
Speaker 2:And let's be clear, I and yes, it is not. Um, I don't use that word feel to mean that it's not real. Um, yes, sure.
Speaker 1:I do think those are the semantics though that matter, and I know that because my whole body when you said they can feel imbalanced was like errrr.
Speaker 2:Yes, I know it matters too, because when you said something about it, I was like, oh man, I know that was the wrong word usage.
Speaker 1:I get it, I don't think it's the wrong word, I just don't think it's always the whole word. Because, sometimes I do think it just needs to be discussed and we're like, okay, back on the same page.
Speaker 2:And sometimes I do think it's a system overhaul that needs to happen. It's not a feeling, it's real. It is real.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's not a feeling, it's real. I would like everyone to hear me say that it's not a feeling, it's real, right? So then the question is okay. So this is how these things might happen, what needs to happen for these things to shift for a couple. And I think that there's just some basic principles that you want to shoot for, I think and again we'll kind of group them in threes because three works. So I think the first principle is that, as parenting partners, we need to try and see the full body of work that our partner is doing. It's kind of that idea of seeing the forest and not just the trees. I think the second principle is, if there are imbalances, they need to be addressed and changes need to be made. And then I think the final third principle is you need to speak to your partner's value rather than devaluing them.
Speaker 1:Yes. So some of the ways I would just sort of like give a little more flesh to those is so to see the full body of work your partner's doing. I think one lens I've had of Stephen in our relationship as well, especially since becoming parents is like you are selfish. You are so selfish and the reality is and we've talked about this- before it feels like a really positive lens. Correct, but I'm not wrong I have evidence that can prove me right.
Speaker 1:So if I am looking for that, all I'm going to see all day long is ways that Stephen's proving me right. But for Stephen to say no, I'm not, that is not going to soothe that place for me, because, yes, he can be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, can you unpack a little bit more this feeling of you're selfish, because I do think that that's true. I think the reason you have that lens is because there are things that I can do that are selfish.
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 2:But how like, how does that example or something?
Speaker 1:Oh, I mean like, like some of the things I'm like just immediately thinking of are like you getting home from work and being like, oh sweet, the kid's still asleep. I'm gonna go for a run, but I'll try to be back by the time they wake up.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Wait a minute. Like, wait a minute, like let's talk about that. Maybe that would be a great idea, but like, for you to assume that you have free time now is selfish.
Speaker 2:Or I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1:If you want me to keep digging, I can you know, I don't think we should do that, but to be clear. I'm the one saying these things. Stephen has this too. I don't know that his word would be selfish. Maybe it would be, but I don't. I know it's not. Honestly, I think one of the words would be critical.
Speaker 1:Like you are critical and I'm like I am not a critical person. No, I'm not. But have I been critical? Yes, so, but I think so. I think when we are looking for that, when that is like the negative loop, that is all Steven is in my mind. Steven is only selfish, Steven is only selfish. I'm going to find it.
Speaker 2:I'm going to see it and I'm going to zero in on it, and that's what you're talking about. That sort of like heat seeking radar Right and the shift being the full body of work, because, yes, I can be selfish at times.
Speaker 1:I could admit that. But also I'm not selfish, no, yeah. And so for me to paint Stephen with just the selfish brush is very unfair. It's not, which doesn't mean it doesn't need to be addressed when I am feeling that, but it's. That is not the way to say you're so selfish. You're only so selfish. So that is one of those examples. I think that imbalance might not change, but it needs to be recognized. I think that's a tricky one, because it's so tricky.
Speaker 2:That is a whole podcast episode in and of itself or a whole season of podcast episodes Because I don't think that what we're talking about is 50-50.
Speaker 1:There are seasons where partnerships are not 50-50.
Speaker 2:Well, can I also say, like I think, one of the things that we've even experienced in our own relationship, but that when we talk to couples and we work with couples around, these very things like imbalance in relationship happens Right, it is very hard to keep that from happening, and I think that it is. I think that the fact that the imbalance happens isn't necessarily the issue. I agree with that. I think that that's just something to keep in mind as you continue. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yes, but it's not sustainable, right? So, like you know, we talked to couples all the time that are like we're. We're reaching out because we know we're entering a busy season and I want to be as available, like in my work. We're entering this busy season where I know I'm going to be less available and I'm leaving a bunch to Steven, and we want to, like, have the best tools to approach this, because it's gone really poorly for us and taken us a really long time to recover in the past. Awesome, let's do that. Let's let's build some skills around this. Let's support this time. That's amazing. Like you know that ahead of time, sometimes it's not like that and sometimes you find I have been feeling like I am carrying us, all of us carrying this team, for too long.
Speaker 1:And that also needs to be addressed.
Speaker 2:And you've also said that too, I mean, I think, in our relationship. I think that that's been true and so yeah, so I do think that the imbalance has to be acknowledged. It has, and I think to your point. Sometimes the imbalance can't change Right. So in the first case, right.
Speaker 1:Like we know, this is about to happen. We are going into it eyes wide open, knowing that there is an imbalance. It can't change. I'm not living my job, we need it or I like it, it doesn't really matter, right? So how do we do this? And then sometimes it needs to. So these are a little bit nuanced things.
Speaker 1:But either way even in both situations it has to be recognized it is completely unsustainable to have one person feeling the weight and what it starts to feel like is a burden, and that immediately goes to resentment and we cannot have an equitable partnership.
Speaker 2:If I feel like you're completely okay that I am carrying us, yeah, and I think that many couples could be saved many, many, many, many hours of conversation if they would just take into account that if your partner comes to you and says that they feel that the relationship is imbalanced, rather than arguing it just be like, okay, it probably is. How so? And what does that mean to you? And how are you experiencing that? Because, again, this idea of imbalance in a relationship, in a parenting partner relationship, is like it happens, it is real. There are imbalances.
Speaker 1:I think exactly what you just said is probably true for everything, Even talking to the full body of work that your partner's doing. If your partner comes to you and says I think you're selfish, rather than saying no, I'm not, Look how many selfless things I'm doing. Be like oh, I hope that's not the way that I only am. But yeah, of course, help me see what you're talking about. Approaching with the, which I mean that can be tricky.
Speaker 2:Yes, that can be, but anyway yes.
Speaker 1:And then leaving our partner? Yeah, in their experience.
Speaker 2:Right. And then, speaking to the, speak to your partner's value rather than devaluing them, did you?
Speaker 1:We didn't cover this one, no.
Speaker 2:I think that that idea is simply there. There's always value two things that are true. Yes, you are probably missing some things in your life and in your relationship that would help your relationship and help your partner feel better. You are also probably doing a lot of things that are useful and positive. It's a matter of focus, and if you want to focus on the negative 90% of the time, then your relationship is going to feel like that 90% of the time. Now, don't hear what I'm not saying, because we've just said this. I'm not saying avoid issues and don't bring up stuff that feels important to you. Avoid issues and don't bring up stuff that feels important to you. We didn't say that. We said you need to bring those things up, but if you are finding yourself more than not, is that what I want to say More often?
Speaker 2:than not. I was like what is the phrase there? That's really long. More often than not just going to the negative, then you do have a responsibility to shift that. And if you think about this, if both of you as partners seek to not look at the devaluing negative but look at the positive, valuing side of things, it can change the feel of your relationship drastically.
Speaker 1:I do think, though, if you find that you're struggling with that, it means something important there is a hurt and an anger and something that does deserve and need tending to nurture all of it. So I don't think it's just a matter of like shift your perspective.
Speaker 2:Just turn that frown upside down. Yeah, that is a very good point.
Speaker 1:Yes, but to your point I mean even the like Stephen's selfish, because that is never going to go away.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, tell me more about well, yeah.
Speaker 1:But I have to be able to say like do I feel like more often than not lately Stephen has been selfish? No, I'm just upset right now because our house is a mess. I'm alone for the next two days because you're with friends or whatever. It's different than like yes, I feel like, thematically, you have been really selfish. We should talk what's happening. I'm feeling like this. Are you feeling like that? That's different. Feeling like that Like that's different.
Speaker 2:So kind of taking these ideas into mind. So you know, hector and Janelle, like you know, thankfully, you know, we've been talking with them for a while now and we've kind of walked them through all these principles. We I'm joking, we haven't these aren't real people, but let's say they have, they've sat down and we've had some great conversations and we've we've kind of worked through some of these principles with them. And they come in and they're like oh man, it happened again. We were, you know, having this negative interaction, but they're like, but guess what they say.
Speaker 1:We're having this ridiculous interaction. I don't even want to tell you it was so silly.
Speaker 2:But then they go, but guess what, Guess what, Guess what. This is what happened, though, because we've been really trying to apply these principles. So this is this is the dialogue that Hector and Janelle ended up having. Hector Hector went first. All right, this is, this is what Hector did. So Hector comes home and he says to Janelle hey, sorry, I focused on the late fee and didn't take into account all that was happening for you while you were paying bills. Honestly, I didn't even know that happened and I could have asked a better question. To start, Janelle says yeah, Like what could you have asked?
Speaker 1:To be clear, I'm going to be Janelle because I'm still mad.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:So I'd be like, yeah, what could you have asked? Because I'm like I'm entertaining that you might be coming towards an apology, but I'm still cautious.
Speaker 2:All right, all right, you take Janelle. So then Hector says I don't know, maybe. Hey, I noticed there was a late fee on our credit card statement. You're always so good about paying our bills on time. Did something happen?
Speaker 1:And then she says, that may have felt better.
Speaker 2:Hector, I do appreciate you pay our bills, you're always on top of it and one late fee is not that big of a deal. I was just getting worked up because I feel like we've had some extra expenses this month and was feeling a little stressed. Sorry, I led with the criticism and it was way more important for you to be with Allie when she was feeling sick.
Speaker 1:I love it.
Speaker 2:I think you know Hector and Janelle did too, because when we were chatting with them, they're like oh, janelle was like that, felt so much better. And, if you notice, this is what happened, hector, in that he is trying to see the full body of Janelle's work, which is you pay our bills. You always pay our bills. You're so good at paying our bills, you're always on time. Wow, you handle that part of our life beautifully. And you also were trying to be there for Allie while she was being sick. Like, oh, my goodness, in the grand scheme of things, one late fee is not ruinous. That is seeing your partner's full body of work.
Speaker 1:The other thing Hector did, though, was saw his own full body of work. He did not say I shouldn't have stressed out about that. He's saying I am stressed. I am so stressed there are so many expenses. I am Hector, by the way, right now.
Speaker 2:There are so many expenses, I feel like we are leaking money.
Speaker 1:And there's all these extra things and I did get stressed, I had a bad reaction, but I'm not trying to say I shouldn't have been stressed about that.
Speaker 2:I am. I really like that. And another part of what Hector did is he did speak to Janelle's value.
Speaker 1:I like that part too, man, this is what you do for our family.
Speaker 2:This is an amazing thing that you give to us.
Speaker 1:And now, keeping in mind and understanding what happened, I get it. I actually appreciate it. Good choice. I totally support that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so I mean we were like man Hector. That's amazing.
Speaker 1:Well done, Hector, that's amazing, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:And Janelle was like I know right, we really are changing guys. They were really excited about it. And then Janelle and the session she was like oh, oh and guess what? I think I think I did the same thing too. I think I applied some of the principles too. And then she shared with us. You know what?
Speaker 1:here we go, yeah, yeah, okay, so am I still, janelle I I think so hey we're earlier so hey, I can be, janelle, you want me to? Be. I didn't know what you wanted. Hey, I was thinking about this morning. I did jump all over you about the dishes. I am sorry. You were absolutely right. You did tackle getting the kids ready and you got them out the door. You got them dressed, you got lunches, you made breakfast. I focused on the wrong thing hector for saying that.
Speaker 2:I really didn't mean to add to your work by leaving the dishes. I just didn't get to it.
Speaker 1:I do know that I honestly do. I've just been feeling overwhelmed being in charge of dinner every night. I know I get home first but honestly it's a lot to handle after work and then the kids come home from school with a ton of energy and they want help with their homework.
Speaker 2:Okay, I didn't know, it felt like so much, but that makes absolute sense.
Speaker 1:I'd like to try and game plan a different way to do dinner during the week. I need something to change.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, it's good. I mean, I don't know who Hector and Janelle have been talking to, but they seem like they've really been helped by those principles.
Speaker 1:Again, I think it's that full body of work, part right, like both for a partner and for self. I love that immediately. Janelle's like I did the wrong thing. I looked at the 10% and totally missed the 90. Like I get it.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I am sorry that that's what I did.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:No, I didn't.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I and I think that again she acknowledged the full body of hector's work, but also she spoke to her partner's value. And then this was that addition of being able to acknowledge the imbalance, right, if you notice, in that there was no like you know, you don't ever cook dinner I've like there was no criticism. There was. There was a describing for Janelle of her experience, which was I'm noticing this is a lot Right, and there is an imbalance there. And if you notice, the imbalance really is contextual. She gets home before Hector does. It's not necessarily that Hector's like well, I'm not going to do that kind of stuff, and I think that on some level, that's how some imbalances can take place. It's just like, well, this is just the way our system works. And so I again her just acknowledging like the way our system is working right now creates an imbalance. That is too much and I do want it to be different. And it's like okay, we can try to figure out something there.
Speaker 1:I think what is very important for all couples to keep in mind is the way she came to that realization is by a reaction she's like I'm like thinking about why did I react about the dishes like that? You know why? Because I'm already stressed about dinner with breakfast dishes still. Oh, this isn't working for me and so explanations are not excuses. She did fully apologize. That's like a real I made. I am sorry. And in noticing why that happened, I found something out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. And so I think that for you and your parenting partner relationship, like where are you? You and your parenting partner relationship, like where are you? Are you at a yellow flag place where you're just noticing there's sort of this energy, this kind of nitpicking and kind of just noticing the negativity, noticing where your partner's like falling short or feeling really defensive if your partner has something that they might say to you. Is it a red flag issue? Has it gotten really heated? Has it become to be, I guess, a little more serious, more mocking, more sarcastic, more resentful?
Speaker 1:Or all the time.
Speaker 2:Or all the time. Yeah, yeah, just a lot.
Speaker 1:It can even be just like this, just chronically.
Speaker 2:Right, and so it sounds like something might need to change. It sounds like-.
Speaker 1:Something needs to be addressed. Yeah, if you are in this, it does. Even if you see that you could be heading towards this, address it now, right right and so evaluating for you like is this about just stress, contextual stress?
Speaker 2:Is this about feeling like there's some imbalances in my relationship that need to be addressed? Is this about just feeling that I'm working really hard and not feeling like there's any recognition of the hard work? Ask yourself those questions. I could maybe give you a clue into what is going on and what is happening. But then also for you and your partner, what you're trying to do is you're trying to see the full body of your partner's work. You're trying to address imbalances that are present and you are trying to speak to your partner's value rather than devaluing them. And when you do this, when you do those things as a parenting partner, couple, you will feel more connected, you will feel like a team, you will treat each other with respect and generosity and your relationship will not feel negative and adversarial, but it'll feel really connected. Hey, before we wrap up today, we want to remind you that conflict isn't the enemy of a healthy relationship. It's actually the path to deeper connection.
Speaker 1:And that's exactly what we explore in our book. Too Tired to Fight. In the book, we break down the 13 essential conflicts that every couple needs to have to keep their relationship strong. We guide you through each one, showing you how to move from feeling stuck in endless arguments to using those moments as a chance to connect and grow stronger together.
Speaker 2:Whether you're struggling with feeling like the default parent navigating in-laws, or just trying to be understood by your partner, Too Tired to Fight, gives you the tools to turn those pain points into connection points.
Speaker 1:If you want to dive deeper into what we've been discussing on the podcast, the book is a great companion. It's filled with real-life examples, practical strategies and step-by-step guidance on how to have those essential conflicts without feeling like banging your head against the wall with the same fight over and over.
Speaker 2:So if you're ready to stop fighting and start connecting, you can grab your copy of Too Tired to Fight on our website, amazon or wherever you get books. Copy of Too Tired to Fight on our website, amazon or wherever you get books. And remember, every conflict is just an opportunity waiting to be turned into connection. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time.
Speaker 1:Today's show was produced by Sarah.
Speaker 2:Kuhn, Stephen Mitchell and Erin Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening.