Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
The Dilemma: Do I Need to Prioritize My Relationship Over My Kids?
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Have you ever wondered if focusing too much on your kids might be pulling you away from your partner? Join us as we unravel this intricate conundrum through the lens of Regina and Sebastian, a couple attempting to juggle the needs of their relationship with the demands of raising three young children. This episode takes you on a journey beyond the surface-level conflicts to reveal the tender, unspoken plea of "I miss you" often hidden beneath the daily grind. With insights drawn from their story, we explore how couples can harmoniously nurture both their partnership and their family life.
We challenge the societal narrative that children automatically become hurdles to romantic relationships, inviting you to rethink how personal history and cultural expectations shape our perceptions. Regina and Sebastian's story serves as a poignant reminder of the importance of understanding one's own fears and desires, and how these can subtly influence relationship dynamics. By reframing the family not as competing responsibilities but as a united entity, we showcase how couples can find new ways to connect and grow together alongside their children.
Spontaneous moments, like a simple coffee break or an impromptu game, can reignite the spark between partners navigating the rigors of family life. We share practical strategies and introduce our Relationship Reconnection Series, designed for couples eager to understand their attachment styles and address stressors like parenting and in-laws. By fostering mutual understanding and shared experiences, couples can build a resilient partnership that stands strong amid life's challenges. Join us to learn how you can create meaningful connections with your partner while embracing the joys and trials of family life.
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents, a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken.
Speaker 2:Here are our parents, our dad Dr Stephen Mitchell and our mom Erin Mitchell.
Speaker 1:Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen.
Speaker 2:Mitchell. I'm Erin Mitchell, and on today's show we're going to answer the question do I have to deprioritize my kids in order to prioritize my partner?
Speaker 1:This is a question that we deal with a lot.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I think it's also all over social media. It's in all kinds of media. Actually, it's portrayed in videos, movies, this common theme of make sure you are prioritizing your partner above all else, including your kid.
Speaker 1:We do end up talking to a lot of couples where one partner is saying I'm frustrated that I don't get any time with my partner anymore. They're so focused on the kids, they're so focused on parenting, they're a great parent, they're being amazing, but there's no connection between the two of us.
Speaker 2:Which, honestly, is a very important question, because nothing you just said implies that what the ask is is to de-prioritize the kids, but so often that does seem to be like what the ask is Right, right.
Speaker 1:So that question on its own amazing Like I miss my partner.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think many of us do, but it's complicated, yeah, yeah, so let's get in.
Speaker 1:So we'll give you a little case example and then we'll help. Our characters today are Regina and Sebastian, so we'll help. Our characters today are Regina and Sebastian, so then we'll help them figure this out. So Regina and Sebastian are working parents with three kids six, four and 15 months. They have a strong relationship and enjoy their kids and family life. Many weeks the days are filled with school, sports, work, travel, get together with friends and countless other activities.
Speaker 1:It's not a stretch to say Regina, sebastian travel, get together with friends and countless other activities. It's not a stretch to say Regina, sebastian and their kids are busy. One of the frequent fights that Sebastian and Regina have is that Sebastian often mentions to Regina that she is too busy or too overwhelmed to spend time with him. Sebastian feels that Regina allows the kids and their needs to come between their needs as a couple. For example, the kids are not big fans of staying with a sitter so that Sebastian and Regina can go on a date night. Regina doesn't feel like it's necessary to force the kids to do something they don't feel comfortable doing, nor is it helpful to their emotional well-being. Sebastian thinks otherwise. This is how the conversation usually goes, sebastian two hours of the kids feeling uncomfortable is not going to ruin them.
Speaker 2:Regina, what kind of comment is that, Sebastian? The kids are not just uncomfortable. The last time we tried to have someone watch them, they stressed out about it all day. Then they cried for 30 minutes before we left, and then when we got home they were all out of sorts and I laid in bed with them all night. Then they cried for 30 minutes before we left and then when we got home they were all out of sorts and I laid in bed with them all night, just so they would sleep.
Speaker 1:That doesn't sound like a little discomfort, sebastian. Well, what about the impact on us not having any time together? How is that impacting our relationship? That isn't good. You can't just let their emotions and needs rule our ability to spend time together. You're too concerned with making sure they never feel any level of difficulty in life.
Speaker 2:Regina, and all it feels like to me is you can't handle any discomfort in your life. These are kids, sebastian. They experience separation strongly, and part of what I want for them is to know we're there for them and we will respond to their distress.
Speaker 1:Sebastian, I think our relationship is important. It seems like you think the kids are more important than us.
Speaker 2:Yikes.
Speaker 1:Yikes indeed, and that is exactly how the conversation goes.
Speaker 2:I mean, it's pretty close right. So I think you know, as we often say, I think it's a good point Like, maybe pause it, think about it, reflect for yourself. What did this sound like to you? Were there parts that didn't feel accurate to your conversation? Are there parts that didn't feel accurate to your conversation? Are there?
Speaker 1:parts that felt very close. Does one of these, Regina or Sebastian, sound more like you or the other, your partner? Who are you in this conversation?
Speaker 2:Right, it's important and it's very personal. I mean, I think so many of the topics we bring up are, but this one is really, really, really about I miss you, I'm concerned or I'm scared where this might mean we end up it's very vulnerable.
Speaker 1:I think that's so. True, it is about I miss you, but how it gets talked about is there's this competition between the kids versus the partner relationship and automatically that puts it into a very contentious conversation and you don't hear the I miss you, I want to spend time with you. There's a big. There's a big kind of intensity that comes to this.
Speaker 2:And a huge polarization Like well, I care about the kids and you don't. And well, I care about our relationship and you don't. And well, I care about our relationship and you don't Right. When I think Sebastian and Regina very much both care about their relationship and about their kids' well-being.
Speaker 1:And I do think it's fair to say not every couple has this conflict. There are a lot of couples that do.
Speaker 2:Or at least some version of it, for sure.
Speaker 1:And I think that it generally breaks out Usually there's one partner who is the Regina, who's the quote, unquote kid side, and the other partner is the Sebastian side, which is the relationship side, and, and I think that this is where you come like so do you have to deprioritize your kids to prioritize your relationship? Should we just go ahead and answer it? Well, I think that. Well, I think that that's how the the conflict comes to us, and I think what we would say is this is not the right question.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I couldn't agree with that more. I also think it's really important for both partners here, no matter who you kind of see yourself being, more your perspective is important.
Speaker 1:Yes, both perspectives here deserve a voice at this table and deserve to be heard and understood and to feel felt and known in this, because it's important, right right, and I think one of the things you have said about this when we've talked about this is that when the question is the competition between the kids or the partner relationship, everyone is lost.
Speaker 2:We've already lost Right.
Speaker 1:And I think that something you've also said too, is that you have to think differently. The old relationship, your partnered relationship, before kids is old and over.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I think that the way you're saying that so decisively right now feels a little sad, frankly. But I think that that's the thing. I think, even saying it like that, like whoa, but so much of what we like, but you're not saying the relationship is open. No, you're saying the relationship as it once was is.
Speaker 1:Your context has changed and it's time to catch up, yeah the way time works, the like, the busyness of your schedule, like I remember, we've thought back, like we, Aaron and I were young and in love and married. We lived in Seattle Washington and lived downtown and we, we had this great life and and even then I think we thought we were busy or whatever it might be. But then we had kids and we looked back and we were like, what did we do? Like we had endless time, we had endless opportunity to see each other, we had endless time for ourselves.
Speaker 1:There was just so our relationship was so different and there was a level of quote unquote ease to it that you don't have anymore once you have kids, and I think that that's all we're saying. Like that, that like flavor of your relationship, that developmental stage of your relationship is really shifted and you, I think, oftentimes, when your kids leave and you become empty nesters, you get that back. But there's this whole Well, that's really different too, right? Yes, there's this whole like middle period where oftentimes what happens is couples still think that they, their relationship, their couple relationship, should function like it did before they had kids, and that's that's like. That's not possible.
Speaker 2:Right, I completely agree with that. I also think that both partners, I think what this conversation really ultimately about and, honestly, this conflict, because this so often is a conflict I think it's about both partners understanding those layers that we're always talking about so on the surface, it's you care more about the kids than me. On the opposite side of that is you only care about a relationship Like why don't you join us? Like you don't care about our kids enough, whatever right back and forth.
Speaker 2:That's the, that's the surface layers here matter so much, and it's acknowledging that we are in a new stage. It's acknowledging that we we have to get to some sort of shared understanding of what we're each trying to say in this conversation, Right?
Speaker 1:And so I think the D, you know, do I have to deprioritize my prior to prioritize Well, that's a tough word to say Prioritize my kids to prioritize my partner relationship? That's the wrong question, right? I think what we would say the right question is is how can we adapt our relationship to its current context so that we can connect in ways that are meaningful for both of?
Speaker 2:us Absolutely. I think that's the right question for so many reasons, but if there isn't a good one that springs to mind for you, I would like to say that if you continue to try to drag your partner into a state that they're not comfortable with, Right.
Speaker 1:So, like for Regina, like Sebastian saying like we need to just leave the kids, let them be uncomfortable for a little while. That's going to be the best thing for our relationship.
Speaker 2:Right. If Sebastian continues to do that to Regina, regina will continue to see, or will begin to, and then continue to see, sebastian as a threat.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Her nerve, and not because she wants to, because she loves Sebastian. She doesn't think he's a threat, but he is threatening what her sense of right is.
Speaker 1:Well, even her sense of so Regina has this sense of I'm going to feel dysregulated if I know my kids are feeling dysregulated. So that's going to be really hard for me to connect with you. While I'm thinking about that, and that doesn't feel fair to her or good to her.
Speaker 2:Well, it's not only not fair to her, yeah, but now Sebastian is being processed in her body as a threat. No one wants that, and the opposite is true as well.
Speaker 1:Exactly so. The opposite being Sebastian, being like you want me to not-.
Speaker 2:Try to express that I miss you. You want me to accept that I'm never going to get time with you. You want me to accept like oh, our relationship is over and done with. I cannot accept that I now perceive you as not wanting connection with me. It maybe isn't perceived as a threat so much as just a continual rejection like a severed connection which, ultimately, is threatening.
Speaker 1:No one wants to feel continually rejected, and so I do think it's important to recognize, as you said, both desires are important, but the way to solve this problem is not to make Regina get a sitter and just deal with it, nor is it to make Sebastian just never have time together.
Speaker 2:I actually don't care much about you.
Speaker 1:Right, and so I think that, again, that is why what we're talking about is you have to recognize the need and the desire there.
Speaker 2:But I think the way to first do that is to ask are we operating in extremes? Because typically, once we even have this conversation honestly, like once with a couple, they both mellow out just a little. Sebastian doesn't want his kids to spend hours uncomfortable. That's not really what he wants?
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's not. I love that.
Speaker 2:You know what I look forward to Just watching him suffer all day long and then be sad all night and be extra like wanting connection on the next day. Right, you know what Regina isn't like. I don't miss Sebastian at all. I don't miss it Like. No, no one really feels those ways.
Speaker 1:And I think the way you can know if you're operating in extremes is if you heard in there, Regina and Sebastian both interpreted one another's desire and need in the most negative way. So it's that you know, Regina, seeing Sebastian is like, oh so you don't care about the kids, you just care about being comfortable yourself.
Speaker 2:Getting your own needs met.
Speaker 1:And Sebastian interprets Regina as oh, you don't care about us, you just care more about the kids. Which is that rejection?
Speaker 2:feeling that they would never experience a moment's discomfort Right right.
Speaker 1:So which also puts into that idea of you're coddling them, you know it kind of questions their parenting questions all this kind of stuff, and so both of them have this worst case scenario interpretation of one another. And I think, to evaluate your own relationship and if you know kind of where you are is, are you finding yourself having this worst case scenario perception of your partner then I think that what that means is you really feel like your partner is missing the need that you're trying to describe and your partner's feeling the same thing.
Speaker 2:Very likely Right right, right right.
Speaker 1:And so it's really important to get at that and, like what you said at the beginning here, and I think it's about like missing each other, it's about, man, I love hanging out with you, I love you know, having that, you know, for us, I love having that. Seattle freedom, you know that was wonderful and I miss it and I miss you.
Speaker 2:So I think the desire is typically I miss you. I think that the fear is very much story related. So for a lot of people you know we're going to say three different versions. Sebastian's could be like I watched my parents drift apart you know like I watch.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, when they yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:Like they never spent time together. And then you know my junior year of high school. You know everybody split up or whatever.
Speaker 2:There's. There is this story that we tell ourselves, that we don't necessarily know we're telling because it just lives as a fear in our bodies. But when you're like, why not, what if y'all never went on a date again? Ask yourself that question. What is the fear there? Oh well, and it's usually related to something, it can be a positive thing too. I, like Sebastian, I have this story in my mind. There was this couple. Their kid was in my class and the parents used to drive around. They would go to one of our local pizza joints.
Speaker 2:They would order pizza and they would just drive and eat pizza and hang out together and we would always see them because we were just putzing around in the neighborhood and so they'd drive back home and then just drive around and like they'd park their car and just chat for a little while. Like I wanted that like I want to be a couple that like we're together like you, prioritize us right and and I think like, well, that's such a good value, it's.
Speaker 1:It's like okay, I accept that right like and and so I think that I think that that's it is story-based. I I love that and you know, I think there there's the other story of you know the feeling of I didn't feel like my parents were engaged. I felt like my parents were you know, With us kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, Like that could be Regina's story.
Speaker 1:You know that they were neglect for they just they were always worried about themselves and what they needed to do. They were gone a lot, and so that story for Regina could be. I want to make sure my kids know that they are important and that I am not here just for myself and doing what I need, but I'm here for them and I want to be engaged with them, and so I think all of those stories really, really matter and I think that you have to know you know based on where you are.
Speaker 1:Are you the Sebastian, are you the Regina? Well, what's informing that? And that's really important. And everyone needs to know that. You know, I think for me, like my parents didn't get along, like just period, and so I could I might lean a little more. Period, and so I could I might lean a little more. I get what Sebastian saying, because I'm like man, what I would have loved to have seen as a kid is my parents like each other. You know like that would have been really that would have been really cool.
Speaker 1:And so I know I have that desire in our relationship is that our kids see us being like we want to hang out, we want to do things together, but I also have the other side, so I kind of get both because but I think I mean that kind of moves us into the scripts, because what a different way to express desire for the couple relationship, like something I really want our kids, because in that we are in no way deprioritizing them.
Speaker 2:It is communicating the same need, which is I miss you, I want to connect, I want time with us and I want our kids to see that. That's a value of mine. That feels very different from. They can handle a little discomfort.
Speaker 1:Right, and so I do think that there I do, and this might be a little, this might be a tangent, but I think it applies because I think that there is. I think there is a cultural script out in the universe that informs this conversation, and it's this, this idea that your kids are a barrier and a problem. If you think about, you know, funny videos or things that you see on social media, at times there's this conversation about like, oh my gosh, my kids, they're so they just have ruined my life, or they just take up all my time, and or, you know, kids are a problem and, I think, or a barrier to you having time, you know, for your relationship or for yourself. And I think that I understand that.
Speaker 1:I do think that there's a reality that, yes, your life does change when you have kids. You lose some freedom and autonomy, absolutely. Yes, your kids do require your energy and time. Absolutely, they are vulnerable. They need help learning how to be humans in the world and you're the one who gets to do that. And our kids don't come like turnkey ready, you know, like that's just not the way it is and that does require a lot from us, but that doesn't mean that kids are a barrier, and I think that what that means is you are in a new developmental stage of your life, sure, and you and your partner have to enter into that developmental stage together. Your relationship has to enter into that developmental stage together to say how can we think about who we are and who our family is, and how our relationship can be a part of this family and part of these kids and a part of this parenting thing? Like it's a whole different way of thinking about things.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I think that mindset like how to make that actionable, then I think the two things that I think of is we have to learn new ways of connecting and we have to learn how to integrate our couple relationship into relationship with our kids and vice versa.
Speaker 2:How to integrate our relationship with our kids into our couple relationship, like how is this going to work? The example that springs to mind to me my mom watched our kids even from. I think I forget how old our oldest was when he was a tiny baby we probably like three months old, first time we like went and it was like 45 minutes and we walked to like the little place we got nachos down the street and basically like ran home because I was so anxious right but she did that every Friday night and then she passed away, I think like five, like six years later, and then we didn't have that anymore and that was the only babysitter we had ever used and I was suddenly like I don't want a different babysitter.
Speaker 2:I don't feel comfortable with this. I can't.
Speaker 2:And it was like a big no for me. And I remember the first time I have no idea how long after, but you were like, hey, let's stay up tonight. And I was like, okay, it didn't even cross my mind. And I didn't even cross my mind and you, um, I, I stayed awake. You stayed awake. We came out from our separate rooms putting different kids to sleep, and you were like downstairs. And so I went downstairs and you had set up our ping pong table and it was like, let's have, let's have a ping pong tournament.
Speaker 2:And it was the sweetest, kindest, like oh, this is something I can feel comfortable with in this stage of life. It's not at all a date. We did not leave our house, but it was. It was meaningful, it was thoughtful. For those of you who don't like ping pong, it doesn't feel thoughtful to you, but we love it. It's a way we can be competitive and laugh, and it was. It was a very meaningful moment. Like oh, we have to find a new way because, we hadn't.
Speaker 2:We had just sort of set that aside and like, oh it's time Like we need to find something new here.
Speaker 1:And I think what's important too is you both like and this gets into the whole mental load and equity like you both have to actively be thinking about and finding and trying out that what the new way is. Like you both have to be bringing something to the relationship. I mean, you know what Like.
Speaker 2:I think we should get into the scripts, because I think there are some excellent things we address in that. Okay, okay.
Speaker 1:So, so, so how? Yes, so, so what might a conversation like this? So you know, how can Regina and Sebastian kind of finish this conversation? And not once and for all, but a once and again and try to move into this, this idea of we've got to think differently about what our relationship is in the context of our family and parenting.
Speaker 2:Yes, Okay. So Regina might say something like I hear you say you want time together. I appreciate it. I sincerely do. I want you to hear me say loud and clear I want time together with you too. I miss you. I know we don't get the amount of time we want together. I do not feel comfortable with the feeling that our relationship is in competition with our kids and that I have to choose.
Speaker 1:Sebastian. Well, I don't like feeling like a second choice, Regina you don't have to be a second choice.
Speaker 2:I don't understand why we can't view things like dinner together or going for a family walk or a family game night as time together, or why you and I can't set aside time to stay up together at night or wake up a little early to spend time just us together.
Speaker 2:Sebastian, that just doesn't seem like it will ever happen, Regina we can also make a point to plan more regular traditional date nights. I love it. I don't feel like you're willing to think creatively about how we can connect and then make an effort to be flexible. Rather, you try to make our kids be flexible and you leave the planning of when we connect to me. You don't want to be a second choice, but you're not actively shifting your mindset or working with me to help connection happen. We are the parents. We are the ones that have to be flexible help connection happen.
Speaker 1:We are the parents. We are the ones that have to be flexible. Sebastian, I'm feeling really defensive about what you just said. I don't like it, but I can also see how what you said is potentially true. I do have a very specific idea in mind about what connecting and spending time means. I also get that I'm asking little kids to be flexible and deal with disappointment, which can be tough, and I'm not willing to deal with my own disappointment.
Speaker 2:Regina, I want to spend time with you, but we have a completely different context now for our relationship. Spending time together looks different. I think we have to be creative and imaginative about it.
Speaker 1:Sebastian, yeah, and maybe a bit more intentional than we ever have been before. Things are so jam packed. If we don't give some thought to making it happen, it won't happen. I agree, I've left all of this up to you and just said I don't like it, without any contribution to how it can be different. Okay, so I can start shifting my mindset a little and viewing our time together as a family as a moment to connect with you too, although I do want some time with you alone. I can work to figure out how to make this happen more in you know kind of those small daily ways and in some of those bigger traditional, like we used to ways.
Speaker 2:Regina, that would be wonderful for me to see. I would feel so supported and excited to spend time with you if that shift took place.
Speaker 1:So, again, we know that this is not exactly how these conversations pan out all the time, but I do think there is there. Think there is there. If you notice, there is openness and flexibility from both partners. As they hear the other say, I think I get what you're talking about.
Speaker 2:So, regina, saying like, I want to spend time with you too, like, like I want you to know that, willing to do this traditional day, and leave our kids with a sitter, if, if I know that's what's coming and you figured it out and didn't ask me to plan something I don't even really want to do, but there has to be a meeting, a moving towards our corners.
Speaker 1:And Sebastian recognizing huh. I am not contributing to the solution of this, I'm just saying I don't like it. Oh, I am saying our kids can deal with disappointment and they just have to learn to deal with it. I am saying our kids can deal with disappointment and they just have to learn to deal with it. But oh, I'm unwilling to deal with my own disappointment and I really do think this is a shocking thought, and I know we've had this conversation. I think it was a shocking thought for me, this idea of when we spend time together as a family, when we spend time together as a family, this can actually be a way that you and I, as partners, connect. And that usually happens when I'm engaged and I'm present and you're like oh, you're engaged and present. I love that. That's really meaningful to me and vice versa. That actually is connective for a relationship.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I think it's definitely true for me. I know it's true for so many of the Regina and Aaron's in the world, but some of the most like connection building moments within my own heart towards you are when we are as a family. That and that makes me excited about alone time Like and are we talking about sex here? Kind of not. I mean, maybe that's what leads to that, but that's not really what we're talking about. We're talking about like I just like.
Speaker 2:Oh, you are present and engaged and it's not just like oh, to get steven president engaged. We have to get rid of these nuisances these barriers, these children, oh I happen to enjoy that and it could have been fun for you to have been present with us. Yes, I think that that exact thought is so true.
Speaker 1:So I think that there's some steps here that can be useful. I think the first is for you and your partner to be like hey, let's reminisce a little bit about our relationship and what we used to do before we had kids, and just like what we loved about that and what we used to do before we had kids, and just like what we loved about that and what we liked about that, and just to share some of those stories I mean, we've done that before and I think to think about that and be like you know what that was awesome and I miss it, and just to acknowledge that. To acknowledge like, oh, our relationship has transitioned into a new phase.
Speaker 1:I think, it's really, really, really important to acknowledge that.
Speaker 2:One of the best dates we did when we were in Seattle is Stephen and I used to walk a bunch. Now I will tell you, we walked to like 1030 at night, because that is often when we showed up together.
Speaker 1:But we could do that. We could do that.
Speaker 2:We were young, but I think that probably 95% of the time we take walks with our kids you bring that up. Yeah, you know, mom and I we used to love and our kids at this point are like we know. Yes we but? But it's still meaningful to us, yeah, and it's not like we have to like pretend that time never existed. We're bringing that time into this time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and I think there's just a little bit of remembrance, a little bit of grief, a little bit of nostalgia in doing that.
Speaker 1:So I think that's the first thing you need to do. I think the second thing is I think there's tears here and kind of heard Regina and Sebastian talk about it in terms of thinking through what are ways that we as a family enjoy and connect. How can we do more of those things together? I think, for example, for us, one of the times that I think the whole family, our whole family, feels connected and Aaron and I feel connected is when we're outside.
Speaker 2:Sure Camp canoe hike.
Speaker 1:I mean that is wonderful, so being able to say like, oh, okay. So if we want to feel more connected as a couple, what are the things that we do as a family that really help us connect? I think you need to identify those things and then try to do more of them.
Speaker 2:So that's or even if you can't do more of them, because sometimes more but like when they're happening, acknowledge them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, really celebrate them. Then I think for you and your partner there's kind of two levels of connection times and how that works. I think there's like small day-to-day stuff, and then I think that there are some of those bigger, traditional, like we used to. So, for example, one of the one of the more meaningful ways that I think Aaron and I can connect is if one of us says, hey, do you want to go out and sit on the front deck or porch or on the back and just drink our coffee together. Like that's amazing, because really our lives are such that we're like, oh, when is the last time we did that? And it is such a purposeful, simple, small way to connect. So what are those things for you and your partner and how can you try and be very intentional about doing that throughout your week? And then, yes, sit down and say, hey, I would love to actually plan a date night, something like that.
Speaker 2:Or a weekend away, and what are the contexts in which we would both?
Speaker 1:feel comfortable with that.
Speaker 2:Yes, what's the frequency here? How long are we talking? Are there a certain number of people, or are there, you know, like it has to be my mom, or it needs to be this one sitter that I know the kids will be excited about Great. We will talk, I will call them and figure out like when they can make that happen.
Speaker 1:Yep, and so that's the four step process, first step. The four-step process. First step think about your relationship as it was, how y'all connected, the fun you had together before you had kids, and just remember that and enjoy that and recognize we are sad that that is different. We love those moments. Second thing is to think about how does our family feel connected? What are those moments? What are those activities? What are those times in a week or a day or the year where we just feel really united and together? Okay, how can we make sure those things happen? How can we mark those times, when they do happen, to really draw out like, hey, this feels really good. Third, what are those small daily, daily, simple five-minute, 10-minute, 20-minute things that you and your partner can do, those little coffee cup, little moments where you can sit together and connect? Fourth, what are some big ways some more traditional, like we used to back in the day connect ways that y'all can plan, and how can you both feel comfortable with whatever that plan is?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Nothing. That's it. No, no more, no more to add. I thought there was, I thought there was a.
Speaker 2:I just think, yes, no, I think it's, I think it's beautiful, I think it's simple. I think that these are the ways we, like I said earlier, that we can come out of what feels like such far apart corners and move towards. I miss you too. I love you. Of course, I want time with you. Of course, that would be great. Here's how, and please don't make it all on me. I don't want to have to feel responsible to make sure you're feeling like your needs are met at the expense of mine.
Speaker 1:Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents and remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting. Hey everyone, we're Stephen and Erin Mitchell, co-founders of Couples Counseling for Parents and creators of the Relationship Reconnection Series inside of our Partnerhood membership.
Speaker 2:We created this series because, as parents, we know how hard it can be to keep the connection strong while juggling everything else. It's easy to get stuck in old patterns, especially when stress, in-laws or the mental load get in the way.
Speaker 1:This series isn't just about solving the fights you're having today. It's about digging deeper, starting with you. We start by helping you reflect on your own attachment style, family makeup and the stories in your life that have made you who you are and inform the kind of relationships you have. When you understand yourself better, you can show up more engaged in your couple relationship.
Speaker 2:And from there we guide you to explore your relationship story with your partner. This isn't about blame. It's about seeing what shaped your relationship dynamic and couple story so you can maintain what is working and start rewriting a new story in the areas that aren't. Once you've done that work, we dive into the real life challenges parenting, stress, dealing with in-laws and sharing the mental load at home.
Speaker 1:Each workshop in this series is designed to be a short, practical, step-by-step guide, giving you and your partner the insights and tools to reconnect in a meaningful way. Think of it as a reset button, not just to solve problems, but to build the kind of partnership you really want.
Speaker 2:Whether you're feeling distant, overwhelmed or just need a new way to communicate, this series is the first step in building the connection you deserve.
Speaker 1:If this sounds like something you need, we'd love to have you join us in partnerhood.