Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
Avoiding the Passive-Aggressive Trap: Communication tips for Parenting Partners
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Transform passive-aggressive tension into moments of connection with proven communication strategies for parenting partners. Join us, Dr. Stephen Mitchell and Erin Mitchell, as we explore how understanding the essential pause between feeling and reaction can change the dynamic of your relationship. Unpacking a scenario with Nora and Thad, we reveal how undetected emotions often lead to conflict and how recognizing these feelings can lead to healthier interactions. Discover the power of conscious choice—a pivotal step toward nurturing communication that fosters deeper connections.
Embrace vulnerability to elevate your relationship to new heights. By highlighting underlying desires and emotions, we demonstrate how couples can replace conflict with direct and empathetic dialogue. Learn the art of suspending offense to engage in open and honest conversations, transforming possible arguments into opportunities for connection. Finally, discover practical workshops designed to guide you through strengthening your partnership. Whether you're feeling disconnected or seeking new ways to engage, our journey into "partnerhood" offers a roadmap to the relationship you've always desired. Follow along and help us reach others by rating our podcast.
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken.
Speaker 2:Here are our parents, our dad Dr Stephen Mitchell and our mom Erin Mitchell.
Speaker 1:Hey everyone, thanks for joining us today for the podcast. Today's episode is a show we recorded two years ago and it focuses on how to take the passive, aggressive out of your communication with your partner. It's a really important skill to be able to develop and we appreciate you joining us for the show today. Hello, and thank you for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell and I'm Erin Mitchell, and on today's episode we're going to talk about how to turn passive-aggressive communication in parenting partner relationships into moments of connection. It's going to be magic.
Speaker 2:It's like magic, right, sure, I think. I was just thinking how often and how common passive-aggressive communication which I think we use that word generously here, because passive aggression isn't communication.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just aggressive talking.
Speaker 2:Yes exactly yeah.
Speaker 1:Right yeah, and we hear I mean we hear that other couples do this.
Speaker 2:We're way too healthy to do it ourselves. Is that what you're saying?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I lie, I lie, but yeah, I mean. This is a place that that we've all been as parenting partners in this place of passive, aggressive, aggressive talking at one another.
Speaker 1:And so you know, we'll paint a little bit of a picture here of how this might shake out in some partner relationships, see if it matches yours, and then kind of explore, like you know, what should this look like? How do you fix kind of the broken places in your own parenting, partner communication and and kind of go from there. So. But our case example today is you know, we have Nora and Thad and they're tired. They both work, they have three kids under the age of eight and they feel like life is moving in fast forward. As the days and weeks have rolled on, they found that their capacity to communicate effectively has diminished exponentially.
Speaker 1:You know gets home before Nora, who's picking up the kids on her way home from work, and as he enters the house he notices that it's quiet and he just decides you know what? I'm just going to sit down for a few minutes and enjoy the silence. And then three minutes later, Nora and the kids come tumbling into the house and Nora sees Thad sitting and there's this twinge of something undetectable to Nora. But she quickly blurts out oh, you having some nice quiet time to yourself, I guess I'll just hop right over to the kitchen and get dinner started, you just relax. Dad receives this passive, aggressive comment with a similar twinge of something undetectable, but he responds yeah, I guess I'll just sit here and do nothing, like I've been doing all day at the office. Ever happened in your home?
Speaker 2:It is relatable, A lot of it is relatable, In fact. The fast forward part, the tired part, I mean we do happen to have three kids, but you know one kid, two kids, eight kids, whatever it is. I think the pace of life for parenting partners is fast.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And exhausting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that that's one of the kind of one of the aspects here that is really present. I was kind of thinking about it in it and it's kind of like parenting is this never ending river of task, responsibilities, worries, joy, tender moments, tears, comical exchanges, all of these things put together and it's just parenting is constant. And I think in the midst of that constancy it's really hard for parenting partners to just talk. I mean, even if they want to, it's just hard to say what you want to say. So many things get left unsaid because there's just not time, and then those unsaid things kind of stack up Right.
Speaker 2:Because I think healthy communication, sort of what we alluded to earlier, which passive, aggressive communication or just like you said aggressive. Aggressive, yes, Either one isn't. No, that's right, Because healthy communication is thinking about what you're going to say before you say it, like having a feeling and wondering what it is like what am I experiencing?
Speaker 1:Yeah, you notice. So, nora and dad, they had this undetectable thing. They had something that they felt, but there wasn't any time to think about it, or it was just.
Speaker 2:That's right. I think one of the things that we hope to help couples do is find that pause between the feeling and the reaction, because that is where choice lies, and that is what Nora and Thad lacked was choice.
Speaker 1:I love that. The pause between the feeling and the reaction, that is a huge, huge, huge part of just effectively communicating Period.
Speaker 2:Period. And then what extra complicates it because, again, we are parenting partners ourselves.
Speaker 1:You don't always have the pause right, you don't always know what you're feeling, you don't always have the time to think about what you feel. You know these, these things happen.
Speaker 2:Exactly they do, and so what we wanted to talk about today is sort of two parts of it. So ideally, preventing these moments, which is creating this pause, and finding what that undetectable feeling. Finding that in yourself, like right now, when you're not activated in it, but wondering what are the things?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so if I was Nora-, steve and I both.
Speaker 2:Just to point out, we both sort of shook our bodies a little. Like man, what's in there? What are we sort of sitting on?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so thinking about it. So if I was Nora and I walked in, what would I be feeling? If I was Thad and I was sitting there, what would I be feeling if those comments were exchanged?
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and then playing it all the way out, what you might passively aggressively say or aggressive aggressively say, and then instead, what might be the fuller context when you well, if I wasn't being thoughtful, I would be Nora and I would walk in and be like neat, oh, please put your feet up.
Speaker 2:Stay a while Wow, can I get you a nice beverage? But when I hear you talk about that, like it's three minutes and he just like our house is quiet, like, oh my goodness, like I'm going to just sit this never happens and just maybe take a deep breath, maybe actually have a moment to decompress after work, which most parents don't yeah, or many don't.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so I think kind of what we're alluding to here is in that sort of in the constancy of being parents. There are discussions, conversations, feelings, whatever it might be, that are present, that oftentimes aren't, there's not time to explore, and then those kinds of things begin to stack up and come out as resentment, which comes out as passive, aggressive conversations. And so I think behind passive, aggressive communication, you can guess, you can surmise, you can make a hypothesis, speculate that there is some underlying resentment. And it doesn't even necessarily mean it has to be a resentment towards your partner.
Speaker 1:It could just simply be a resentment about loss of time, about how tired you are, about how overwhelmed you feel, whatever it might be, and then it comes out in that passive, aggressive way, and so you know, as Aaron was alluding to, how do you come to understand that moment? It'd be great if you could, in the moment, stop it. But if it doesn't happen in the moment, how can you find-?
Speaker 2:And I think, just to be clear, the way to stop it in the moment is to do the work beforehand.
Speaker 1:Yes, because if you have not thought about that or after, so that it's before the next time, sure yes.
Speaker 2:Either way, that's right. If you haven't done the work, to wonder how? Right, if you haven't done the work, to wonder how am I feeling? What is going on? What needs do I have that are not being met? And again, it doesn't have to be about your partner. We love to make it about our partner because we want them to help us, but a lot of times it's not our partner.
Speaker 2:Many times it's the life circumstance. We're looking for validation from our partner and how hard that is. But I mean, nora was picking up those kids regardless. It wasn't like dad was supposed to and didn't show up and whatever she got the call and had to leave early.
Speaker 1:And it doesn't mean he wasn't going to hop up and start dinner after four minutes of sitting there.
Speaker 2:You know. So I think you kind of said some really good things there.
Speaker 1:So if we were to think about like so how can you as a parenting partner, check in with yourself to understand some of your own potential resentments or things that are left unsaid, that have developed for you? I think there's a good first question is just ask what am I feeling? A second question is what am I trying to say I want with the passive aggressive communication? And then the third thing is to say what you want. So, like if we were to take Nora, for example, she comes in, she sees Thad sitting there.
Speaker 2:I maybe miss this, but are you still talking preventatively? Are you talking about now, after the fact?
Speaker 1:Well, I think it's a little bit of both right, so so, yes, prevented, preventatively, you know, like you go back and you explore and think about for yourself, but if you're, if you've done that, if you're able to do it in the moment with the repair right, yes, but now we're going to do the repair Like you're going to walk us through.
Speaker 2:This just happened.
Speaker 1:Right, I mean. So Nora has to think about. What was I feeling when I said that to Thad?
Speaker 2:So Nora's just walked in the door, she's made a comment, she goes off. I'm picturing our house, I realize. She's sort of like the room behind the living room, and she is like why am I an angry person or why is that a slouch of a person? I'm like, why, like how, how is this happening? Like sure, we both had a day, why are we here? How, why is this going to be our?
Speaker 1:no, it's much more about why am I feeling this way. She doesn't need to think about that. I know she doesn't right?
Speaker 2:no, but that is probably what she is doing, so what we're saying is like whoa, take that deep breath, shake it out and instead say what am I feeling? Like I just said something big, I'm having a big reaction.
Speaker 1:And it could be any number of things. It could just be like I'm just feeling a little overstimulated because I just went to the school and picked up the kids and all their energy in the car got me sort of like you know in a in an overwhelmed place and I just came in and or I had a tough day at work or I've been wanting so bad to have a moment to sit down and you just had that moment that I've been wanting and you know, or like it could be any number of things I mean.
Speaker 1:That's why you have to think about it for yourself. It could be very specific to your context, but I think the key point is to recognize that it is that feeling that is motivating the words, and the words aren't going to change unless you can understand the feeling that's motivating them. And so that's a big part to shifting. This kind of passive, aggressive communication is for it's not for your partner to change. This kind of passive, aggressive communication is for it's not for your partner to change. It's not for them to do something different, but for you to understand what are the feelings that are motivating what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:I think this is why language matters, because I think passive, aggressive communication is labeled beautifully, because what you've missed completely is anything direct about what you're actually feeling and what would actually tend to the need.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, what you've done. You've just gone right over it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you've just gone right over it. And I do think that this is common for parenting partners, because what direct, healthy communication requires is some thought and is some ability to reflect and parenting partners. As tired as we are, we are capable of these because the more practiced we are, it doesn't take us 45 minutes every time to check in and say, oh, my feelings are hurt, like if I had three minutes. If I had arrived home three minutes before you and the kids, I would have thought to go ahead and turn the oven on or whatever. The whatever is and it does hurt my feelings that you did and it does make me feel like you missed me or whatever. That would be the direct reflection and communicating that actually speaks to what you're feeling and actually gives your partner a chance to enter in Passive communication. There is no opportunity for genuine connection because it's just lobbying, indirect insults.
Speaker 1:Attacks yeah.
Speaker 2:And by indirect I mean they're very, they're spot on, but they're not about the real thing. So you're never like addressing it never gets you anywhere.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And so I think you know checking in with that feeling it, and then I think another way, like if it's hard to understand the feeling or if it's hard to like I don't know what I feel, you know, I just feel upset, whatever it might be, I feel like they are lazy.
Speaker 1:They. I think another good question that can help is to ask yourself what am I trying to say I want, or what am I wanting in this scenario? So Nora could say, well, I don't know what I feel, but she might think like, well, what was I wanting when I, when I came in and you said, like I was wanting like the oven to be turned on or whatever, not because you need the oven turned on, but because maybe it reflected like, oh, like dad's thinking about you know he's kind of thinking ahead and knowing that I might be tired, you know he's considering me, whatever.
Speaker 2:Knowing what's next.
Speaker 1:Like I don't have to be in charge all the time and that that kind of understanding what you desire and want can help you understand. Okay. And so when that doesn't happen or you don't get what you desire or want, how do you feel? Well, I feel sad, or I feel angry, or I feel helpless, or feel helpless or whatever. The Lonely yeah, lonely, and again, those two questions combined allow you to access the direct communication, the direct feelings, the direct desires that are present, kind of shrouded in your passive communication. And so then from there you kind of like do that and understand it. Then you can go to your partner, like Aaron was saying, and say it. Hey, I noticed when I walked in today and then I said that comment to you, which I get wasn't awesome or kind sorry about that, but what I was noticing was I wanted the oven turned on, because then that would have helped me not feel kind of alone in this process.
Speaker 2:Or like dinner's my job.
Speaker 1:Or like dinner. Yeah, and I was in that place and that's what was happening for me. I'm sorry I attacked you and then that allows your, you know so then so that's kind of the Norris part. But then there's a Thad part. Right, that Thad has to do something as well in that he responded not any better, so he's got to think about this for himself.
Speaker 2:So when you said that- but wait before you move on. Don't move on to Thad yet. I think what we've done here, though, is we have actually moved our opportunity for connection towards our partner.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, Instead of against or away or you know whatever.
Speaker 2:Well, passive aggressive comments or aggressive aggressive. It's protective. There is, there is a shield and there is no opportunity for connection with self or with partner.
Speaker 1:But what?
Speaker 2:you just said, we turn ourselves towards and we say super vulnerably this is what was really happening. Now, that doesn't mean connection happens immediately, but you've at least invited the opportunity.
Speaker 1:And now here's the chance. And so you know. So, thad like so, rather than Thad responding in that passive, aggressive way like what, what is something that could have happened for him.
Speaker 2:You're right. Remind me back what he said.
Speaker 1:Oh, he just responded.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, I guess I won't do anything at work. That're right. Remind me back what he said. Oh, he just responded yeah, I guess I won't do anything at work.
Speaker 1:That's right, and so I think the first thing and this is tough so when you receive a passive, aggressive lob, I think one of the first things you have to do is suspend offense.
Speaker 2:It's a tough one.
Speaker 1:So Nora comes in.
Speaker 2:One of the first things you have to do if, ultimately, what you're seeking is connection.
Speaker 1:Sure, that's very true. If you just want to keep arguing, just you know we'll lean into it.
Speaker 2:Circular arguments. That's right, you just take offense and then lob it back.
Speaker 1:That's so true.
Speaker 2:But if there's, if there's any hope for pausing this once it started again obviously ideally we would prevent this.
Speaker 1:Right, right, but this has happened, but that's happened, and so that he he has to suspend offense because he knows he understands. Like huh, nora just sort of lobbed an attack at me. She's not a horrible human being. We generally get along and like each other. Maybe there's something going on.
Speaker 2:Which I just want an asterisk this moment. That does not mean we are not telling Thad he has to like the comment, he does not have to, just take it. He does not have to absorb that.
Speaker 1:No, we're going to get there to where Thad can express that. But yes, we're not just saying like let it roll off your back, we're just saying hold on, just hold on. And what that could do is to counter the passive, aggressive nature of the conversation is to be direct, to suspend offense and then to ask a direct question. Hey, it really seems like you were upset that I was sitting down when you came in. Can you tell me what's going on? Because something's going on right.
Speaker 2:And even if it isn't a direct question, because I'm thinking about that right now. I'm not sure Nora's in a place to hear that yeah, timing's important but to yes. So to ask a direct question or just to say a direct statement like well, that's tough to walk in the door and see me like you've been doing a lot, that's a lot to walk in and see yeah, I see that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so so be direct. Yes, don't be passive back, but be direct. Suspend offense. Be direct back by either asking a direct question or saying directly what you think you know just observing what happened. Yeah, describe and then in that, if you notice that is also an invitation for connection, of moving towards. So in that that's an opportunity for that, to hear from Nora after she's been able to understand and check in, and maybe become aware of herself.
Speaker 1:where, then, the process of validating your partner's experience? Like I totally get how me sitting there, you walking in, how that felt or looked. That makes a ton of sense. I'm sorry it felt that way, but then also to say, hey, it also hurt my feelings for you to do that because it made it sound like I hadn't been doing anything, like I'd just gotten home I was just you know three minutes Like I didn't appreciate that. I understand it, but I didn't appreciate it.
Speaker 2:I think this is one of those moments too We've mentioned this in the podcast before I know is, I think, what, what we hear over and over, what Steven has said to me over and over I've said it, I think, a few times too is that person who gets that um, passive, aggressive comment can feel really hurt, to be so misunderstood, like you really thought I was just going to sit here for the rest of the night. Have you all walk in, I'm not going to help. Like, is that really who?
Speaker 1:you think I am.
Speaker 2:And that hurts, that it feels really unknowing. Yes, to be misunderstood like that or to be assumed the worst of, and people want their partner to assume the best of them. And what we have said on the podcast before is, which means you have to be someone where your partner can assume the best of you. So if you are the person who's chronically sitting on the couch not helping with dinner, it's fair for them to be frustrated.
Speaker 1:It's a little different story, absolutely.
Speaker 2:That's not, that is different, but to say that you know like yeah, like that hurt, like so.
Speaker 1:so that's where validation doesn't mean acceptance and just like well, I totally agree, and you can say and do whatever you want to me, it just simply recognizes. I get that. I get how you got to what you said I didn't like it.
Speaker 2:I think it's different.
Speaker 1:I like that. That's really great and so. So I think that, if you notice this, this is really kind of this is a circular process, because Nora came in and said what she said to Thad, but then Thad said what he said to Nora, and so they both have this process of where they need to be able to be aware of themselves, they need to be able to express that to their partner, and vice versa, their partner needs to be aware of themselves, not, you know, suspend offense, ask a direct question and be present to validate and also share their experience, and so this kind of goes round and round and round in a circle. You know it's it's not somebody's job to do something first and then the other one to do. It's it's not somebody's job to do something first and then the other one to do it, like it's whoever has the capacity to jump in and and put the cog in that wheel right Stop, you know pause stop the process.
Speaker 1:You know you kind of go with that, but but I think that it is um, this is a hard process and oftentimes I do think that initially the fixing or the reworking happens after the fact, like you were saying. So, noor and Thad, like they had this poor exchange. But they can go back and they can go through this process and talk it out so that next time maybe it's different and maybe it's not different, next time Maybe it happens again. They go back to this process and again that's where the practice comes in and it does begin to change the pattern of your communication over time. And it doesn't have to be a long time, right, you know, it can be pretty, pretty quick, pretty short sort of adjustment period If couples can engage in this, this process.
Speaker 2:Because what I think the point that you just said in that cycle, what you're not trying to do is tell your partner they didn't feel what they felt.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:That will exhaust every single couple there ever was and ever will be. That's pointless. You cannot convince your partner out of an experience. What you can do is say I validate your experience, I didn't like the communication of it, right and and ask for something else. You know what have been helpful is for you to walk in and be like, oh, it's hard to see you sitting there right now. I've been hoping to do that all day long.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, and, and I think, in the end of the day, like as you were talking about the way that passive, aggressive communication is not direct, it invites both parties to avoid how they're feeling and what they want.
Speaker 1:To avoid vulnerability and moving toward like turning towards your partner which is where the opportunity for connection is it is not communication, it is not connection, and so this is a direct route towards communication and towards connection. Hey everyone, we're Stephen and Erin Mitchell, co-founders of Couples Counseling for Parents and creators of the Relationship Reconnection Series inside of our Partnerhood membership.
Speaker 2:We created this series because, as parents, we know how hard it can be to keep the connection strong while juggling everything else. It's easy to get stuck in old patterns, especially when stress, in-laws or the mental load get in the way.
Speaker 1:This series isn't just about solving the fights you're having today. It's about digging deeper, starting with you. We start by helping you reflect on your own attachment style, family makeup and the stories in your life that have made you who you are and inform the kind of relationships you have. When you understand yourself better, you can show up more engaged in your couple relationship.
Speaker 2:And from there we guide you to explore your relationship story with your partner. This isn't about blame. It's about seeing what shaped your relationship dynamic and couple story so you can maintain what is working and start rewriting a new story in the areas that aren't. Once you've done that work, we dive into the real-life challenges parenting stress, dealing with in-laws and sharing the mental load at home.
Speaker 1:Each workshop in this series is designed to be a short, practical, step-by-step guide, giving you and your partner the insights and tools to reconnect in a meaningful way. Think of it as a reset button, not just to solve problems, but to build the kind of partnership you really want.
Speaker 2:Whether you're feeling distant, overwhelmed or just need a new way to communicate, this series is the first step in building the connection you deserve.
Speaker 1:If this sounds like something you need, we'd love to have you join us in partnerhood. Today's show was produced by Sarah Kuhn, Stephen Mitchell and Aaron Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening.