Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
Holiday Loneliness: How partner's can handle the Holiday Blues
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The holidays can be magical. The holidays can also be lonely and sad due to family drama, the loss of a loved one, not living close to family etc. Many times couples can experience conflict balancing the desire for a magical holiday and not wanting to ignore the "lonely" reality of the season too. Stephen Mitchell, PhD and Erin Mitchell, MACP will give you and your partner practical tips and scripts that you and your partner can use to stay connected in the midst of the tension between the magic and loneliness of the holiday season.
Hey everybody, Thanks for joining us for our final show in our series of how you and your partner can stay connected during this holiday season. We'll be taking a break for the next two weeks and we'll be back at the beginning of the new year. We hope you have a great holiday season and thanks for listening to the show. Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents. A show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken.
Speaker 2:Here are our parents, our dad Dr Stephen Mitchell and our mom Erin Mitchell.
Speaker 1:Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin.
Speaker 2:Mitchell.
Speaker 1:And on today's show we want to address something that happens for a lot of partners, at least a lot of partners that we talk to. I think we could be, if we're honest, something that's even happened in our own relationship, which is a level of disconnection that takes place during the holiday seasons due to partners feeling lonely or sad during this time of year.
Speaker 2:Sure, I think there's a lot of reasons that happen. I think for each couple I mean honestly, probably for each couple the whys and how these things come to be is different, but all of them are worth exploring and worth engaging.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so what I want to do is read a little case scenario here. We're going to be working with Rahim and Drew today and see if this matches anything that might have happened in your own partner relationship around the holidays or might be happening now as the holidays are approaching.
Speaker 1:So here's the case example. Rahim and Drew always want to have a good holiday season. They want their kids to have fond memories of family traditions and memorable moments of being together and feeling close and happy as a family. Yet so many times as the holiday season approaches and then passes, they have an overall sense of disappointment, anxiety, sadness and feel disconnected. Rahim's family is great and Drew really enjoys being with them for the holidays.
Speaker 1:Drew's family is a little more complicated. His parents got divorced when he was young and his dad died three years ago. His siblings don't live close and this can make the holiday season feel lonely and disconnected for him. He does remember having some good memories around the holidays, but after his parents' divorce it got more complicated and since his dad's death the holidays have just felt increasingly sad, heavy and all around kind of feeling a weight, of being weighed down, and he comes off to Rahim as depressed, disengaged or just distracted. Rahim knows these things and knows the holidays are tough for Drew, but he also wants him to enjoy the family and connections they do have. Rahim finds that he wants to be sensitive to Drew, but also Drew not being his best during this time of year impacts him and he can feel like he's trying to carry the enthusiasm and holiday spirit for the whole family. Not infrequently, raheem and Drew find themselves in a conversation like this.
Speaker 1:Raheem, drew, I feel like you've been a little checked out this week. I'm trying to finalize the gifts for the kids and make plans for when we're going to get together with my family, and I need some help, drew. What do you mean? I haven't been helping? I went and got the last few gifts for the kids yesterday, rahim, true, but that is the only thing you've done. I feel like I'm left to do all the rest. I decorated the house. I'm making the plans. I feel like you don't even want to have the holidays, true. Honestly, I kind of don't.
Speaker 1:This time of year is always hard for me and I keep feeling sad about my dad and disappointed that I won't be able to see any of my siblings or mom this year. I'm not looking forward to the holidays. I wish you understood that and were a little more sympathetic to how this feels for me. Rahim, I am trying to be sympathetic and I know it's hard. That is one of the reasons I've been trying to take care of everything. I know it's not easy for you, but you seem to forget that we have kids and a family and I have a family that is around and we can see. I'm not trying to tell you not to be sad, but you have to recognize that your mood and experience also impact us and honestly, it's pretty depressing.
Speaker 2:Drew.
Speaker 1:Okay, Rahim. Well, I'll just put a smile on my face and make this holiday season really special for you. Rahim Drew, that is not what I'm asking and that is not fair to say. You laugh.
Speaker 2:I mean only because I'm uncomfortable. Earlier, when you were talking, like when you first were introducing it, you said a lot of couples have a sense of disappointment, anxiety, sadness and overall disconnection, and I think that that is somewhat universally true.
Speaker 1:So maybe like the specifics of Drew and Rahim are not relatable, but I think that intensifies during the holidays, because I think you could say that that is true, you know, maybe in general, but there's something uniquely special about the holidays that seems to intensify that, those very feelings.
Speaker 2:Yes. So I think you know, take or leave Rahim and Drew's story and maybe find the pieces that do connect, even if maybe their exact scenario doesn't connect. But think for yourself personally first, then for your partner, then for your relationship. Are there areas of disappointment, Are there areas of anxiety? Are there areas of sadness or sort of?
Speaker 1:an overall feeling of disappointment, disconnection, Right, and think about the holiday season, what Halloween happens, and then everyone starts moving into the holiday season November, December, January and think about how has this holiday season been feeling for you? Have these disappointed, overwhelmed sadness? Have these things been happening for you? Have these disappointed, overwhelmed sadness? Have these things been happening for you, and when did they start? Because I think also for a lot of partners, these feelings kind of start happening and people aren't partners, aren't really aware of them happening until there's some kind of conflict. Like Raheem and drew like hey, can you help me with the gifts a little bit? Hey, can you help me with the gifts a little bit? Hey, can you help me with the planning a little bit, and then, like this build up sort of comes spilling out. So I think that's something to consider too as you think about it.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. And while I do think I like what you just said, because I do think that there are specifics, like I do think that we do want our partners help and engagement, like, hey, I'm doing a lot, what are you doing? I think more often. So again, yes, we want that, and maybe not, rather. And what we want is like are you with me? Right, yeah, like do you see me, Are you like? Can I count on you?
Speaker 1:Because if you were helping, if you were planning with me, you would be recognizing like we're trying to accomplish something here together. We're like this is important to me, so it's important to you. This feels like a extra burden or load for me, so you're aware of that and you're checking in with me. I think Raheem and Drew both were wanting the other to kind of get what was happening for them. Drew wants Rahim to know like this is a really tough time of year. Rahim wants Drew to know like this is also like a really great time of year to be with our kids and our family, Like they both really want one another to understand that and then that for their actions to mirror and match that, because then that means you're with me, you get me, you understand me, you see me, you love me.
Speaker 2:Yeah Right, yes, exactly, I think that's exactly right and I think that, like you said, the holidays are ripe with opportunities to highlight goodness. Yeah Right, like right, Well, well.
Speaker 1:So I think that why does this seem to intensify during the holidays? Yes, and I think it's. It's what you're saying here, Like yes.
Speaker 2:Highlight the goodness.
Speaker 1:It's. It's like, yeah, like the these times holidays can really like help, you see, like, oh man, I, I do love my family, I do have a great community, what a special time. It can be so rich with goodness. Also, it can highlight the difficulty.
Speaker 1:So Rahim's kind of feeling the goodness highlighted, drew is kind of feeling the difficulty or the pain of the holiday season highlighted because, oh, my family not, you know, my family doesn't live by me, you know, I don't have my dad anymore. Oh, you know, the holidays were really great for me and my family. And then, oh, my parents got divorced and that doesn't mean it became terrible, that just means it got a little more confused, a little more complicated, and so that intensifies these feelings, because I think that those are the goodness and the difficulty. But then also there's Tons of like this is how things should be and everyone has these expectations that maybe they feel get put on them by, you know, the movies and family and everyone else. That also, I think, intensify the anxiety and intensify the need for this to be a really important special time and that can make people anxious.
Speaker 2:I think one of the things that it feels like it's like glaring to me that we're not talking about is money.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, oh.
Speaker 2:Because I think-.
Speaker 1:No kidding, money is a stress for me, man, yeah.
Speaker 2:I want to say all, but I'm going to go most people Because even if you're not stressed or strained for money which I do think a lot of parenting partners are um, there's still like uh, because I think everything you just said it, it highlights like how much are we spending, how much is that and that and more right oh, and then another thing with that costs more money.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah yeah, our house is supposed to look this way.
Speaker 2:Our presents are supposed to look this way. Our kids are going to go to school and Santa's going to have brought their friend this. Our Santa better have brought their gift.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's like this are they getting comparable gifts to what other people are getting? And yeah, I didn't. That's a great point.
Speaker 2:And then for each other, and then for each other. I think I was just talking to one of our kids' physical therapists actually this past week about like what do y'all do, what are your holidays like? And I said like, oh yeah, we tend to pick a theme for gifts and stick to it because I get so anxious about like I'm going to buy you a book and you're going to buy me.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, between you and I.
Speaker 2:You mean yeah, yeah, yeah, like something either more expensive or less expensive, or is this comparable? Am I? Is this this year?
Speaker 1:everyone. It's shoes. We bought each other a pair of shoes, but I do get, yeah, like we've had even that conversation, like it's got to be the same category, yeah, otherwise it makes it not fun I just think there's a lot of opportunity, for I don't, or like we don't have the money we're spending.
Speaker 2:Sure yeah, and like and couples, obviously for very understandable reasons, have a lot of tension around that. I just think money is a really important thing that also stresses people out differently.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean the talk about like that withdraw tendency, like we're, we're just leaking money that we don't really have to be spending on stuff like this One partner just very often checks out.
Speaker 1:I don't want to hear about the gifts. I don't want to plan for the gifts, Just like. Don't tell me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Because if you want to talk about it, my answer is like no.
Speaker 1:Right. Or another partner is like no, we really need to be aware of this and manage this and make sure we keep on top of it, and they're like really, really hyper-focused on it. I mean, there's all kinds of ways they're just hyper-focused on it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:But reality is that doesn't really feel fun and festive and like engagement and presence. That feels like stress.
Speaker 1:Right right.
Speaker 2:So anyway, but I think that is a special kind of grief also, that there's there's a tension, yeah, a very common present tension.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And so you, you end up having conversations like Rahim and Drew have, you know, or whatever flavor of conversation you and your partner have because of these, this intensified context, have because of these, this intensified context, and oftentimes I do want to, you know, think about it like both Raheem and Drew like they want it to be special.
Speaker 1:I loved that in the beginning, yep, and I think that at the base level, like that's what people want around these times of year is we want this to be special. And then, because we want it to be so special, like they, they feel that in different ways. Um, you know, you know, I, I think, you know, drew and Rahim will kind of unfold it a little bit more, but I think one of the things for them is, yes, they want it to be a special time. One of the things that drew feels is I don't want to detract, I don't want this to be depressing, because I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, because I want it to be so wonderful, but I'm also, because I want it to be so wonderful, I'm acting, you know, kind of tight or anxious, or disengaged.
Speaker 2:Um, and so you mean like intentionally withdrawing. So it's not sort of sour the spirit, the mood, yeah. Yeah, and so there's this intense, uh intensified context I think one other thing and maybe we said it and I didn't hear it because I was thinking about something else already but I think the other critically, like vitally important thing about the holidays is that resolved and I sort of say that with like quotations of mine like these resolved things get stirred like what, like resolved what resolved things any number of things for people.
Speaker 2:I think it can be like we've had amazing 10 out of 10 budget conversations all year long but we have this history like even if it's old, and then this year like wait, I feel like you're overspending or I feel like you're stressing about money. When I told you exactly I?
Speaker 1:mean how many?
Speaker 2:times have been like I'm going to spend $43 on this and then it goes.
Speaker 1:you know like how much was that? Right, I told you $43.
Speaker 2:And then, all of a sudden, it's like this history emerges of like, but I'm stressed, or or there's a history of um.
Speaker 1:You know more challenging relationships with extended family, or you know where are we going to go, you know like whose turn is it? All of those kinds of things where it's like we've talked about this, we've made a decision, we've made a plan. Why is it still coming up?
Speaker 2:You know, another thing that feels really common is one of these potentially resolved things maybe not as substance use around holidays, I think people tend to drink a little more, and or sometimes a lot more, or there's at least more opportunities for it to become a tension point between couples. Yeah, I think, I think it can be anything that feels like why.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we've been through this. Why is this coming up again? I thought we had addressed this. You said this and now you're not. You know you're going back on it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then even like history things and then we can move on, but like, especially if your kids well, I don't actually think it matters, so nevermind, but like sadness about your own childhood around.
Speaker 1:Well, I think that this is where we are moving. So I think that one of the things is all of this, all of this taps into your history, taps into your stories and it taps into your feelings. And I think that you know that unresolved piece in particular you know, but you hear Rahim and Drew it's also just tapping in. It's tapping into Drew's story, right Like, and not just the story of man I lost my dad, but also the story of, like, the holidays and how they've been impacted by his family being, you know, relationships becoming more complicated. And Rahim's, you know, view of the holidays is impacted by his history and his stories. And all of that stirs up feelings, and feelings are not, you know, positive or negative, they're just feelings but partners when we have different feelings. So Drew's feeling more down and discouraged and depressed, raheem's feeling more excited and happy when those conflict, that's when you can begin to have misunderstandings and that's when you can begin to have that conflict because, yeah, the stories matter, all of them do.
Speaker 2:And they don't even just have to be conflictual feelings, right, they just have to be maybe a little bit unknown. I mean, one of the things we talk about over and over and over in our book is something so important we have to be able to do is to be able to check in with ourselves and to know what we're feeling. Because how often do we all feel like we know what we're feeling, but we don't?
Speaker 2:or we don't know how it came to be that we're feeling that, like I might know I'm feeling angry, but like how did I come to feel angry? And you know, we always say like the three to five, how questions into that and like, okay, so how did that come to be something that bothers me? And how did that come to be something that bothered me? Like there, how did that come to be something that bothered me? Like there's always more, almost always, maybe not always always, but almost always more roots to these feelings than just like, well, I'm mad because you're disengaged.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:That's true, but like? Is that the deepest truth? Probably not. And that's where we feel seen, known, heard, loved, engaged, cared for.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think one of the things that does happen around the holidays and you know I said, you know, feelings aren't positive or negative, but I think, particularly around the holidays, there is this view that we should be happy, we should be having fun, we should be enjoying, and so if there's, if there's feelings that are sad, lonely, angry, overwhelmed, discouraged, that aren't happy, there can be a feeling of you need to ignore that, that needs to be dismissed.
Speaker 1:You need to keep that to yourself. Let's turn that frown upside down, let's change all of that kind of stuff, and I think that what that does is that's what Drew heard Raheem saying, like oh, you just want me to be cheerful and put a smile on my face, and I think that that is where these kinds of conversations, too, for partners, gets a little confused, just because partners can feel like you're not allowing me to have my experience, you don't want me to be happy, you just want me to be depressed and lonely, like you are, or all you want me to be is happy. I can't have an experience of like I'm allowed to miss my you know family at this time of year, allowed to miss my dad, and so I think, a lot of times, um partners also feel like they're being told. They can't feel what they're feeling during this time, when they can't avoid it, because those stories are getting touched, the histories are getting touched and it's like this is what I'm feeling at this time.
Speaker 2:So I think what we want to say. I think I'm going to segue into it with this comment, because I think also and this may or may not be true it feels true for me. I feel like it's too busy to feel what I'm feeling sure like in my free time, I'm gonna feel my feelings and like check myself yeah you know, like check in with myself rather after I get out of the target and sit in the car.
Speaker 1:I'm going to sit in the car and just really take some time.
Speaker 2:Well, after the 47th school program and the 95th lunch and tea. I just feel like there's a lot of expectations and a lot of things added on this time of year Are there a lot of holiday teas.
Speaker 1:You just said tea. I don't think I've ever been to a holiday tea.
Speaker 2:Well, I know that and it's not at our school, but at my friend's schools they have like this is the time for grandparent tea.
Speaker 1:We don't go to those because we don't have grandparents, that's true.
Speaker 2:So there's another thing, but like yes, there are a lot of like your special person tea. There's like there's, and you know, maybe that is a specific Denver thing, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I think I'd like to implement a holiday tea Just sounds nice. I've just never been to one. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 2:But yes, there are a lot of things, so I think that this idea of getting to know yourself, is tough, it feels tough yes.
Speaker 1:And yet you're saying that because what we're going to say is like so what's the solution here, what's the solve for this potential difficulty between partners? And the solve is engagement.
Speaker 2:Correct. The solve is and that has to start with yourself, right.
Speaker 1:Engaging the good and the difficult, telling the stories that are being stirred up, which means asking yourself and your partner three to five.
Speaker 2:well, how did that come to be? Like I'm feeling really sad. How so Like? Oh yeah, understandable, what exactly?
Speaker 1:But also Drew. So I think, yes, rahim, and I think that how this can go between Rahim and Drew, let's just use them. So, yes, that's Rahim being like hey, Drew, I know the holidays are really tough. Like you seem to have been disengaged I'm not criticizing that Like, what's going on for you, let's talk about that. So, to name that, to acknowledge that.
Speaker 1:But then also for Drew to come to Rahim and say, hey, I know that this is a really special time of year for you. You seem to really be enjoying. You know, uh, thinking about the gifts for the kids or planning you know they get together with your family. Like, how, like, how is it going for you? What are you excited about? In other words, no one trying to make the other not feel something, but rather engaging it by asking the questions, telling the stories, naming the feelings and acknowledging even the complexity of, like, huh, we're both at different places. Like man, you know that's okay, but that is tough right, because I think sometimes you feel like I'm not happy and that can kind of bring you down, or you feel like I'm not acknowledging that this is hard for you and I'm not kind of meeting you in that sad place.
Speaker 2:I think the way couples describe it or maybe it's just the way I've described it that other couples have resonated with is being dragged. I think Raheem feels like he has to drag Drew through the holidays and Drew feels like he gets dragged through and isn't really allowed to have an experience, and Rahim also, in that I should have said that at the time, but like he also doesn't feel like he gets to have his experience, so the both of them are feeling like this, isn't it?
Speaker 1:So you have to engage one another in those kinds of conversations, but I think also you do have to make a plan for what to expect during the holidays.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I think that there's two parts of this. There's making a plan, like in a preventative way, like so we know that Rahim and Drew are going to have different experiences during the holidays. That's not right or wrong, it's just understandable, based on their stories and their histories. What can you do to be aware of that and to avoid those disconnecting moments? That's a preventative plan, but also you can't be perfect, right, those moments are still going to happen. So you also need to have a reparative plan.
Speaker 1:What can we do when we have one of these disconnected moments, when we feel like we're not on the same wavelength or we feel like we're telling each other you can't have your full experience? So you have to have a preventative plan and a reparative plan in terms of how to address this. And I think part of that is you also have to and I get why you said this like it's really tough to engage yourself in such a busy time, but you do need to be attuned and aware of yourself enough in a way that you can ground yourself and work through the things you are feeling. So for Drew like Drew knows, it's going to be tough. That's okay, of course it would be tough. But also, what can Drew do to ground himself in a way where he doesn't stay disconnected or disengaged, because I think that that's going to happen. These are some really tough, hard things, but is there a way that he can acknowledge that, be aware of it, engage with it within himself and then, in a sense, come back? Same thing for Rahim.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. So I think back to the emotions thing. I think emotions a lot of people fear them. A lot of people did not have a lot of people or even any people validate their feelings, so we don't actually know what to expect. But I think most people find when they express their emotions they don't last as long as they think.
Speaker 1:The emotions don't last as long as they think. The emotions don't last as long.
Speaker 2:Yeah, drew might be feeling like, if I allow myself to be as sad as I need to be, it's going to take over. So he's trying really hard, not to. I am that person. I try really hard. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to do it because I'm worried it's just going to overwhelm me, and I do have some people in my life that made that seem true to me. But the reality is, the more you know, I went and got my master's in counseling. I hopefully have done some repair work on that. Emotions have a beginning, a middle and an end.
Speaker 2:They really do so, which doesn't mean you're no longer sad, but it means like, oh, I felt the sadness I needed to feel because that song came on or I saw those whatever's like, or you know those old ornaments, you know, yeah. It's. It's often very like I did see something, I smelled something.
Speaker 1:I it's, it's senses. And so I think that that's a good, just even a practical thing in terms of the grounding. So there's ways to ground yourself and then there's also ways to ground your partner relationship, and this is part of that preventative and reparative plan. I think the things we're going to suggest here can be used for both of those portions of the plan. So, because I do think you know part of that is how do we? How do we ground ourselves if we're feeling a little off or dysregulated?
Speaker 1:How do we ground our relationship if we feel like we are trying not to get dysregulated as a couple or we have I think simple things like take a walk, whether that's you need to take a walk individually or you can take a walk together as a couple. You can take a walk together as a couple. Those kinds of things, movement being outside, they really do help ground. You keep you from being dysregulated or, once you have become dysregulated, to recenter you. Yes, I think that there's also. You know, I think you had some good ideas here, aaron, that you, that we had talked about. Can you explain what?
Speaker 2:you're talking about. So I think the senses back to the senses thing. So like when our senses, the way I would say it, get hijacked. So maybe we did hear that song, or you smelled cinnamon, or I don't know whatever it is, and and you are feeling overwhelmed, I one, you don't have to not feel that way, but it can feel like it might overwhelm you, and so I do think you do one of those things.
Speaker 2:You said you take a walk, but I think what you specifically do is you check in with your senses. You go outside and you say it's the sun, I can feel the sun on my skin. It's breezy, it's cold, it's, but you, you go through your senses. I see our neighbor, you know, like whatever, but you are intentional to be present to right now.
Speaker 1:So what you can see, what you can touch, what you can hear, what you can taste, what, you can feel.
Speaker 2:Yeah what your gut is saying. I think that's a really important sense to listen to. And then I think one of the other things that couples need I think you were talking about this relational grounding is because even when you were talking earlier about how rahim is only excited and happy and drew is only, and that's not the way you're saying it right but that's how we can um polarize one another as partners.
Speaker 2:Drew is nothing but sad, and rahim is nothing but happy right, I think that, if we're being honest, like there's probably some stuff Drew's looking forward to. You know, I love that moment, but if Drew is trying so hard not to feel his feelings, he's not aware of that. So I think it's being really specific and intentional to say and name one thing you're looking forward to. It can be really really teeny tiny, Like you know, when we go to your parents house. I really love um doing the dishes with your mom.
Speaker 2:Yeah, after after the meal, yeah, um, and that I use your, you for um yeah, I used to do the dishes with your mom. Yeah, it was just like really special thing and the rest of the 40 people would go into the other room and they just like had like a little quieter moment and that was special to them, or and then mutually like you know one thing, um, so I think it has to be. So we're gonna say drew here.
Speaker 2:Drew needs to be intentional to tell rahim some of the things he's looking forward to right and he needs to feel free to say some of the things he's really sad about you know, which moment like I'm really not looking forward to whatever. And then they need to make a plan, like do you need to be there for that? Yeah, and if it's yes, because sometimes it's yes, like maybe it's like I'm not looking forward to dinner because I'm not going to really feel engaged in that conversation. Well, like, dinner is kind of an important part to be a part of Right, but you can check out Afterwards.
Speaker 1:Do you need to, like, go take a walk or you know? Just go in the other room and you know thing?
Speaker 2:And again, I think that that is a preventative yes, and I think if we know that, as partners, we're not even critical of it, if you're able to say that to me.
Speaker 2:Hey, aaron, during dinner. I'm dreading it. I'm going to be full of my feelings. I'm dreading it. I'll be like I've got you, I can steer a conversation, I know how to be sort of looking out for you in that Great. So not only do you know that I'm not going to be frustrated by your lack of engagement, that's some sort of connection and presence between us.
Speaker 1:We're supporting each other. We're caring for each other. You know what Rahim really wants me here at this dinner because it's important to him. You know what I'm going to come to the dinner and be there and support his enthusiasm for it. You know what Drew really is going to need a break after this dinner because I know that you know he's going to be giving everything that he has, and I really appreciate that and I want to support him by allowing him to have that time.
Speaker 1:I think that that, like that, is exactly the kind of communication you can have if you, if you, make a plan like this, and I think it could be helpful too. So what could Rahim and Drew do? How could they have this conversation? So those are some of the practical things that could happen, some of the practical things that they could do, but really, what would a conversation maybe look like? Having this? So I'll be Drew and you'd be Rahim, and so, let's say, drew approaches Rahim and says, hey, so about earlier? I know you're not trying to tell me to just put a smile on my face. I think I just start feeling bad because I feel like I'm bringing everyone down and I wish I could just be okay and not feel like a problem. I'm the one who actually wishes I could just put a smile on my face.
Speaker 2:Rahim says Drew, you're not a problem. This is a really hard time of year and I get it. It could also be a really special time and fun time. I don't always know how to balance giving you space and asking for what I want and need, especially because what I want and need is you engaged, present, wonderful you, and honestly it feels like this time of year that's not an option.
Speaker 1:Drew, that makes sense and you have been doing a lot, but I can tell you're starting to resent me for it. So if you're trying to give me some space, so if you're trying to give me some space, ends up in you resenting me. I don't really want that. I have decided to talk to someone about it. I can go alone, or I was hoping I could go alone and we could go together at some point. I can't just turn on joy and engagement, and trying to do that really feels exhausting to me and I think it makes me even more anxious and moody.
Speaker 2:Rahim says that's a big deal. I appreciate it. The reality is, I'm not sure what to do either. I don't want to be insensitive to you and I want to think that one day we will be able to celebrate and enjoy what we have. I guess me trying to force you into that isn't really working either, and me feeling like you refuse to budge on it also isn't working. I can see how this is at least a plan. I'm not sure I think it could move the needle, but I'm willing to try. Maybe I should see someone in between our couple sessions too.
Speaker 1:Drew, I'm not sure what it will do either, but I want to try. I need a place to sort through this stuff, and I really want this to be different for all of us.
Speaker 2:Rahim. Okay, make the call, I'll be there In the meantime. What can we do now?
Speaker 1:Drew. Well, I think we need to make some room for one another. I don't want to dig in and I don't want to feel forced, but I can honestly say, even bringing it up, I feel a little more space inside. Let's try out what Stephen and Aaron say for the rest of the season about taking a walk, stepping outside to get our bearings again, grounding ourselves and being intentional. About saying what we're looking forward to or dreading, and supporting each other by engaging in the things that are important and allowing one another to disengage if needed.
Speaker 1:And so what Rahim and Drew are trying to do is give each other the space. Give each other the space to have the experiences that they're having during the holidays and to feel supported by one another in what they need. Hey, before we wrap up today, we want to remind you that conflict isn't the enemy of a healthy relationship. It's actually the path to deeper connection.
Speaker 2:And that's exactly what we explore in our book. Too Tired to Fight. In the book, we break down the 13 essential conflicts that every couple needs to have to keep their relationship strong. We guide you through each one, showing you how to move from feeling stuck in endless arguments to using those moments as a chance to connect and grow stronger together.
Speaker 1:Whether you're struggling with feeling like the default parent navigating in-laws, or just trying to be understood by your partner, Too Tired to Fight, gives you the tools to turn those pain points into connection points.
Speaker 2:If you want to dive deeper into what we've been discussing on the podcast, the book is a great companion. It's filled with real-life examples, practical strategies and step-by-step guidance on how to have those essential conflicts without feeling like banging your head against the wall with the same fight over and over.
Speaker 1:So if you're ready to stop fighting and start connecting, you can grab your copy of Too Tired to Fight on our website, amazon or wherever you get books. And remember every conflict is just an opportunity waiting to be turned into connection. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time. Waiting to be turned into connection.
Speaker 2:Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time.
Speaker 1:Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents, and remember working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.