Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
From Shame to Understanding - A 5-Step Guide to Talking About ADHD with Your Partner
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Navigating the complexities of ADHD in relationships requires more than just understanding the condition—it demands a thoughtful approach to communication, empathy, and mutual support.
Stephen Mitchell, PhD and Erin Mitchell, MACP tackle the tough questions head-on:
- What do you do when your partner acknowledges their ADHD but refuses any support or treatment?
- How can you communicate the impact of their behaviors without triggering shame?
- What happens when you notice your partner criticizing ADHD traits in your child—the very same traits they demonstrate themselves?
Each of these scenarios creates unique relationship dynamics that can either strengthen or fracture your partnership, depending on how you navigate them.
The heart of this episode is our five-step process for addressing ADHD in relationships. It begins with truly believing your partner's experience, whether they're sharing how ADHD affects them or how they're impacted by your ADHD behaviors. The second critical step is removing shame from the equation—no belittling, no treating your partner like "another child," no judgment. From there, we emphasize education, understanding each other's ADHD stories, and finally taking meaningful action through appropriate supports.
Ready to transform how you and your partner talk about ADHD? Listen now, and discover how to replace criticism with curiosity, defensiveness with understanding, and conflict with compassion. Your relationship—and your family—will thank you.
Hey, thanks for joining us today for the show. This episode is part two of our short series on ADHD and parenting partner relationships. In the first show, we discussed four common scenarios that can lead to conflict in couple relationships when ADHD is present. In today's show, we'll answer specific listener questions about ADHD and give you and your partner a five-step process for addressing ADHD in your couple relationship. You and your partner can move from conflict to connection when talking about ADHD. So thanks for joining us and let's get to the show.
Speaker 2:Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents A show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't and what you can do to fix what's broken. Here are our parents our dad, dr Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, erin Mitchell.
Speaker 1:And so, in light of that kind of keeping that in mind, let's do some specific questions that we've heard from folks.
Speaker 2:I think another big theme and this was asked in quite a few different ways but about so, when we do believe our partner has ADHD or, honestly, they've even had a formal diagnosis at some point in their life, but they don't want specifically? A lot of the questions that came up over and over it was either meds specifically or any support generally. So they are impacted, they do have this, I'm impacted, there's cost, but they aren't willing to do anything about it. What do we?
Speaker 1:do? What do we do? So I think part of what you do is, first of all, like how come? So you have to have a conversation and a sense about the conversation of like you know what? Each time I bring up like ADHD, you know you have ADHD and I might say like hey, could you go to a therapist, or hey, could you consider medication, or hey, could you, you know, look at this real or video or whatever on like skills that you could work on. You don't? That doesn't seem to land for you. What? What about doing something in terms of getting help doesn't feel good. What is the resistance about? And I will say some people, in terms of part of the resistance, could be that shame story. You know what? I'm just tired of being told there's something wrong with me and I'm not getting it right and I'm not doing enough.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Well, I think that would probably be the most common, at least thing we hear.
Speaker 1:I think another thing is some people really do have some hangups about medication. Sure, and you just need to understand like, okay, what are those hangups? Like, what is the resistance to taking a medication? Are you afraid of the side effects? What is the story you're telling yourself about medication? To see like there could be some really true things there. There could be some misunderstandings in terms of-.
Speaker 2:Wait, just for clarification, there are true things there. If that's someone's experience Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, I do not mean to I know, I know, I know, I know, but I think it matters.
Speaker 1:Whoever you are out there, I'm not trying to invalidate your experience.
Speaker 2:No, it's true. Yes, there are true things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you have to understand, like how come Right, and then you kind of go from there, because I think in a lot of ways that resistance is a protective thing that shuts conversations down. That shuts conversations down and then you, as the partner who's asking for help, you need to let your partner know the story of why it would feel important, because I want you to be your best self for our family. I see that you're struggling and having a hard time and I don't want that for you. I want you to be the best version of you. I don't want that for you. I want you know, I want you to be the best version of you, in a sense, and I need.
Speaker 2:I need you to be the best version of you, just for our family and for our relationship. I think that that's a good segue and I honestly think in some part you just answered this next sort of thematic question, which is how can we let our partners know how much we are impacted by their ADHD without shame?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that well. So that's a good question and, to be quite honest, like I have talked to so many couples and um, and you, we have talked to so many couples together Like this is, honestly, I think that this conversation is goes best when it's facilitated, that sometimes you need a facilitator who says I can see that you're hearing shame here, but really I'm hearing your partner just trying to communicate their experience and acknowledge what's happening for them and like it's a skill.
Speaker 1:It's a real skill that has to be learned, I think, and so, but I do think there's a way to do it without a facilitated conversation. I do think there's a way to do it without a facilitated conversation.
Speaker 2:But. I think one thing that I would make sure to point out in this conversation is, personally, the times when I have tried to communicate this to you. I problem rather than like hey there's something I would like for you to know about me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the impact yeah, yes.
Speaker 2:And so I think and I don't mean that, like anytime you're asking this question, you're the problem. I don't mean it that way, but I do think we have to take seriously how we are communicating and when we are communicating.
Speaker 1:So I would say you told me for years, for years, that you wanted me to maybe think about the connection between ADHD and autism. Yes, cute little phrase for it. All the HD and I for years said no, no, like that's not a thing, that's not a reality.
Speaker 2:I don't think that's true. I think every six months you'd see something and you'd be like, maybe that's true. I don't know, maybe and then it would go away. And then I'd say it, and say it, and say it, and say it, and say it, and then 18 months later you'd be like gosh. I just saw that. Maybe that's true. I just read this article. There's some new research and I'm wondering, and then it would go away.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so I get how you like that can be really frustrating. I think that, ultimately, though, what? There's two things that allowed us to make it through. I first of all think that we do genuinely trust that we care about each other and we have each other's best interest in mind.
Speaker 1:I also think that you, knowing sort of my story of not wanting to feel like there's something that would, so I have this sort of if we're in a little little moment here of Stephen.
Speaker 1:You know, deep core thing for Stephen is he really fears being rejected, and he has this core belief that there's things about him that make him worthy of being rejected, such as all DHD or something like that. And so I think you knowing that and you understanding that, it didn't mean that you didn't need me to get with the program and kind of try and understand, but I think it also you understood my resistance, and that made you a little willing to be long suffering with me, and so I think that it is important again, when there's that resistance, to understand that there's a story to the resistance. When there's that resistance, to understand that there's a story to the resistance, it's not because your partner doesn't care, it's most likely because your partner cares quite a bit and there's something that is touching a really challenging place for them. Now that doesn't mean that they're not accountable to work through that and to deal with it, but I do think it reframes the interaction.
Speaker 1:Sure, explanations are not excuses One of my favorite things to say ever, because it's true we have to understand one another's explanations, we have to I mean, this was really tough for me to come to a place of like, really tough for me to come to a place of understanding around for myself. I really struggled with it. I just so I think that again that's the resistance so oftentimes can feel selfish, but oftentimes it's protective.
Speaker 2:Sure, so I think yes. So it's worth saying we have to be able to talk to our partners about the things that are important to us, even when they are something about our partner. That isn't always easy to do. It is worth it in the end, though, because not being able to do that, the disconnection is immediate and then it only mounts, it stacks up.
Speaker 2:So another question that I think is very thematic here is when one of the ways that this comes up in a family is we see our partner being very I would use the word harsh critical, pointing out a lot of things in our kid, when really what we see is that is also true in our partner and they don't necessarily see that in themselves. So you're hard on our kid because you don't like this thing about yourself. How do we bring that up?
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, you're asking me, I'm the one with the question. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that this is really tough, because then you also get into fights about, like you're micromanaging my parenting. Our kids need to learn. We're just trying to teach them skills, da dah, dah, all these kinds of things, and I think that-.
Speaker 2:I think the flip side of those conversations is they're, yes, maybe they have a different brain, but also they're learning some of these maladaptive ways of responding and coping from you. Yeah, like you're actively doing these things, and then you're mad at them for doing them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and and again. I think that so much of this. You know, if, if y'all are familiar with us, we think that stories are very important, um, and we think that I think that that so does neuroscience that's so true, that's so true.
Speaker 1:Um, the neuro narrative. Um, I think that this has to be a conversation about, not the, not the. You did this to our kid and I don't like that. It has to be a conversation about like, hey, what? Like, when this happens with our kid, that this seems to happen for you this is what I see Like you seem to get angry, you seem to get frustrated, you seem to get, you know, anxious, whatever it might be.
Speaker 1:Like, do you not like what is going on? What is going on? Because theoretically, it could be like, yeah, I agree, they should pick up their shoes and not, you know, leave them in the middle of the floor. Or like, yeah, their backpack should be unpacked, you know, when they come home, like, I agree with that, like, I'm not, I'm not arguing that, it just feels like the way that gets communicated there feels like there's something extra there. Do you know, like, like, why? Like what's going on? Because so much of that is a story-based thing and it could simply be a story-based thing of what that partner experienced in their own childhood experience and what their expectations were and what they were required to do. It could be, you know, there's some kind of anxiety there, and I think that that's what you're trying to talk about Anxiety.
Speaker 2:in that context do you mean something important?
Speaker 1:Yeah, something really important because you're, because you're not trying to say like you're a terrible parent and I don't like what you're doing, which is oftentimes what happens, what gets communicated. You're trying to say like I want to be a parent with you and on the same page, and I don't understand how we're responding yeah, we're seeing this different. Like how can we get on the same page? And I think that is that an easy conversation to have? No, but I think that that is ultimately what you're trying to do in that conversation.
Speaker 2:And then I think that. So I'm going to try to throw this one in there as a tag on to that, because I think that this is actually ultimately the same answer where a lot of these questions were about. Only one of us is willing to do any research about this yeah, yeah and I think that it's the same thing, um, I think, which is help me understand yeah, like this seems really important. We both see, this is really important. What, what is going on here? What's?
Speaker 1:right and I think that we need to give an equitable effort to understand. Yes, and what's the?
Speaker 2:fear and what we're going to learn, and what's the desire and what we hope to learn. Yeah, and so so I do think there's a lot of fear in this conversation.
Speaker 1:Yes, and and I do think that that kind of leads into like, like what is so it kind of alluded to, your family needs to have a process in terms of how you think about ADHD and how you talk about it. And you know, I'm happy to give you a process. So, um, you know, I, I love telling people what they should do, um, but I, I think that this, there's a way that you should come at this, uh, and I I'm going to just say, you know, here are the things I think. First of all, you have to believe your partner. You know, here are the things I think. First of all, you have to believe your partner. If your partner is coming to you and saying I don't love the interaction with our kid, or you know what, hey, I'm feeling impacted by this ADHD, or hey, I'm feeling so overwhelmed with my own ADHD you have to believe your partner.
Speaker 1:You have to say like okay, you're saying you're impacted, you don't need to get defensive, you don't need to dismiss what they're saying, you don't need to, just you know. Basically listen and say like okay, you're saying something's important, that's the first thing. But also you can't shame your partner, but also you can't shame your partner.
Speaker 2:And I think that oftentimes Ooh, that's a hard one.
Speaker 1:In this communication, especially if there's one partner that doesn't have ADHD and the other does, or even I don't think it matters. Yeah, because we shamed it yeah.
Speaker 1:So just in this whole conversation, when you're trying to say like your ADHD is impacting me, oftentimes what is communicated is judgment, criticism, which just intensifies shame, and I think that you cannot attack your partner and you can't belittle them, you can't kind of speak to them as if they're a child and don't, you know, can't be an adult, and that whole phrase of I feel like I have another kid, like that's a shaming statement.
Speaker 2:So I think again, not to excuse it because, yes, I agree, but there is a reason that we start moving towards shame.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that is because you have not start moving towards shame. Yes, and that is because you have not done the first thing. You have not believed your partner, because you have not felt believed. Right, right, that's, that's what I mean. So if you're feeling shamed by your partner, you could then say like maybe they've been trying to tell me something and I have not helped them feel believed.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I think that this is why this is so important. If you're the one shaming, it's because you haven't felt believed. If you're the one feeling shamed, it's because you haven't helped your partner feel believed More than likely Right. And so these are things in the dynamic that have to shift.
Speaker 2:Yes, which? Again, these are not excuses Just because you aren't feeling believed doesn't mean you get to move towards shame, but if you are noticing that you maybe are like oh, and then that means we need a new approach. I don't feel like you believe me. I'm not feeling understood. There's something important I am trying to say to you and I don't feel like you're listening.
Speaker 1:And then I think the next thing is you need to educate yourself. You need to learn about ADHD. You need to learn about all the nuance of it. You need to read the books. You need to grab ADHD 2.0, read it. It's a great book. I think it's just a great introductory book. It might be all you need, but you need to and that way we're talking about equitably invest with your partner to understand whether that's for you to understand what's happening for your kid or whether that's to understand what's happening in your partner relationship.
Speaker 2:And I will be the first to admit, I had no interest in understanding ADHD when it was about my mom or other members of my family, even when I thought it might be helpful for me until it was my kid, and then I was like, get me all the info. But, before that I nope, and so that's okay. Yeah, but go ahead then.
Speaker 1:And then I think the next thing, after you've educated yourself, is you need to understand your partner's story of ADHD or your kid's story of ADHD, so like, and your own. That's what I mean.
Speaker 1:So if you have ADHD, you need to understand how you're impacted by it, what that experience was like for you and you know to be able to tell your partner like this is what it feels like, this is what it was like for you and you know to be able to tell your partner like this is what it feels like, this is what it was like. That story and then also this is the story of what it's like for us to have interacted yes, um, because I I think that there's so much clarity in that.
Speaker 1:I think for us, when we had that happen, like it just leveled the playing field quite a bit, and when we were able to work it back, it did not take that long.
Speaker 2:It did not require years and years of intense therapy. It resolved a lot of resentment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it really did, and then lastly. And then, lastly, get help. There is help, and that can either be exploring medication, that can be counseling, that can be doing some research on building skills that help with focus, impulsivity, hyperactivity. Do something to address ADHD, and it doesn't mean you're going to eradicate ADHD in your life, but that is part of learning how to relate to ADHD in your life.
Speaker 2:It's the glasses Right, right. Our kid still has another problem you still need glasses?
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you need to do something. I just wanted to put a little asterisk by medication yeah, but but like you need to, you need to do something.
Speaker 2:So I just wanted to put a little asterisk by medication, which is there are many kinds. A lot of people in the, in the comments and questions section too, said, like you know, I tried it it didn't work, or my partner said, like well, I did that and it never worked. There are lots of different types of medication, but even within the medication there are lots of different types of medication, but even within the medication world, there are foods that tend to benefit.
Speaker 2:There are life style changes you know, waking up and checking a screen is just, um yeah, guaranteed to add stress to your day, which leads to overwhelm almost immediately. For the adhd person, that's almost always true for all types of brains, but specifically for the ADHD.
Speaker 1:Physical movement is a real key aspect.
Speaker 2:Yes, so I think, like, so, like medication. I think I would just say like there's a fuller picture to what all that can mean in terms of lifestyle, Uh, and but doing something.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, and I think that the lifestyle stuff is that skill building stuff, like what what can you do?
Speaker 2:Sure, that's true.
Speaker 1:And, and so I will say this is the process Believe your partner, don't shame your partner, educate yourself, understand the ADHD story and get some help, yep. And then, in closing, just some closing thoughts and statements, I think. Above all, be compassionate to one another. People with ADHD have most likely been shamed and belittled and told they are failing their whole lives and this is something outside of their control. They didn't go to the store and buy ADHD. This is something that is related to how their brain works and we need to be compassionate to one another in that. But also, your ADHD impacts your partner in a significant way. That has made their life harder. Don't get lost in shame. Don't defend, but acknowledge the impact and take action to try and address their concerns.
Speaker 1:Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents, and remember working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.