Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
What We've Learned From Couples: The 100th Episode!
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In this milestone 100th episode of Couples Counseling for Parents, Stephen Mitchell, PhD and Erin Mitchell, MACP reflect on the transformative relationship wisdom they've gathered over the years of working with couples facing the unique challenges of parenthood.
The insights they share are both profound and practical. They discuss how true bravery emerges when couples face their deepest fears and vulnerabilities; how humility creates openings for healing; and how our universal desire to be truly seen and accepted drives relationship dynamics. The Mitchells explain why genuine curiosity defuses tension, why understanding your partner's childhood story transforms how you perceive conflicts, and why celebrating joy deserves as much attention as addressing problems.
Perhaps most powerfully, they reveal how parenting often becomes the catalyst that inspires couples to break dysfunctional patterns. "Having kids amplifies what you want in life and makes you fight for it," they observe. "Your life didn't diminish when you had children—it gave you permission to ask for more."
Throughout their conversation, Stephen and Erin weave in practical examples from their own relationship, demonstrating how these principles play out in real life. They emphasize that the goal isn't to eliminate conflict (an impossible and boring aim) but to transform how we approach it, gradually reducing its intensity, duration, and frequency.
Whether you're just starting your parenting journey or navigating its challenges years in, these insights offer a roadmap to more connected, resilient relationships. Ready to transform how you communicate with your partner? This episode shows you the way forward.
Hello and welcome.
Speaker 2:This is Couples Counseling for Parents a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Here are our parents, our dad, Dr Stephen.
Speaker 1:Mitchell and our mom Erin.
Speaker 2:Mitchell, hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and we have arrived at our 100th episode.
Speaker 1:Happy 100.
Speaker 2:Happy 100. You know what I was thinking. I was reminiscing a little bit, you know, for this momentous occasion we started doing this podcast three and a half years ago, I believe, and you know we've come a long way to get to 100 episodes in three and a half years ago, I believe, and you know we've come a long way to get to 100 episodes 100 episodes is a big deal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've enjoyed doing the podcast with you very much. Have you enjoyed doing it with me? Oh, you're asking me. I thought you were talking to me. It was so weird. I was looking at you being like I really enjoyed it, and you're looking at me like I haven't, Like you didn't know where. I was looking at you being like I really enjoyed it, and you're looking at me like I haven't, like you didn't know where I was going.
Speaker 1:I have enjoyed doing it with you. I think you and I have enjoyed doing it together. I think also, though, because I do think, what my brain space was was this is really a celebration of the listeners.
Speaker 2:That is so true. There's no like. We would not have this podcast, we would not have 100 episodes if you weren't listening, which is really cool.
Speaker 1:Yes, so we thank you. Thank you for being here. If this is your first episode, you've listened to one or you have been here for all 100, we are grateful. We are grateful for you, for your feedback, for your engagement and then today, specifically, for your questions.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:We are really excited to dive into the questions we had from our community and. Stephen wants to introduce it.
Speaker 2:I will, but I have one more reflective thought because I'm just reminiscing, I was listening.
Speaker 1:You're feeling rushed. I'm rushing you. Yeah, you're rushing me through the reminiscing I'm trying to get in. I got it, yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, but I was listening to our intro, which is our three boys, oh yeah. And I was just thinking three and a half years ago. Those are their little voices.
Speaker 1:They do sound very different now.
Speaker 2:They're so much older, so much bigger now, and I think that this is just the experience that so many parents have. It's so amazing, this process of parenting and seeing your kids grow, and it goes so quickly and so fast. Where I'm listening to those voices, I'm like they're so different now. And our lives are so different now than they were three and a half years ago.
Speaker 1:And so it's just. I don't know if there's really any point to that other than the passage of time. Sure, I think something that does feel important to me in that is that our kids are great markers for our relationships, because our relationships don't always feel like they've grown or changed or like, well, we're still just us or we still have that same conflict or we still can't, whatever.
Speaker 1:But we have grown, we have changed. There is so much opportunity for growth one way or the other, as we always say, like you can either choose to engage or choose to distance, and you are doing one or the other. If you're doing nothing, you're choosing distance. So I do think it's a beautiful marker of oh, look at how far we've come too, yeah, yeah yeah, because we haven't aged is my point. That's right. We don't look or sound different, that's right.
Speaker 2:Not at all, but yes, so now we can jump in.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:My reminiscing has been satisfied, I believe. But yeah, so we asked y'all to send us in questions that you might have for us and we looked through those questions and there was one question that kind of felt like it emerged amongst all of them that was summative of the questions that we received. So we decided like this is a great question.
Speaker 1:You knew it as soon as you read it. I know you heard it and you were like that's the one.
Speaker 2:I was like that is the one question we need to answer, and so this was the question. We had a community member ask us what have you learned from the couples you have met with and the couples you've interacted with on social media and over the years? And I was like that's it, because we can get at everyone else's questions, I think, through this one. So Aaron and I sat down and we kind of went through and just thought about some of the things that emerged in terms of what we feel that we have learned from y'all and we're just going to kind of what do they call it? Popcorn?
Speaker 1:Where you're like.
Speaker 2:I'm going to do one, then Aaron's going to do one, then I'm going to do one, then Aaron's going to do one, and hopefully this will also get at questions that you might have just about relationships in a more general way.
Speaker 1:I like it, I will start.
Speaker 2:Erin's going to start.
Speaker 1:My first one was so easy, it came so fast to me, and it is that people humans are brave Say more.
Speaker 1:I think well and hopefully if you're listening to this, you know this that engaging in this type of reflective work, where what you're trying to do is get to know yourself, get to know your partner and connect in intentional ways, that's brave, because what you invariably face are fears, are places you've been hurt, our places. You don't want to be hurt again, places you felt unknown, and there is a reason we try not to know those places. We don't want that, and so to face that, to engage it and then to ask for it to be different it is incredibly brave.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, it is.
Speaker 2:And so yeah, I agree, I'm not going to add to it.
Speaker 2:Well said, well said. I think the first thought that I came to was the phrase that humility opens the door, and what I mean by that goes hand in hand with to be brave, to think about your relationship with your partner, invite you to, you know, think about maybe difficult things or whatever it might be. It requires a certain level of humility to hear from your partner, to hear from your partner, to hear their struggles and their struggles with you in particular, and to say tell me more, help me understand. I want to acknowledge that and maybe even I want to accept that what you're saying, yeah, that's true, because if we are able to be humble and hear from our partners in that way, then the door to healing, the door to connection, the door to things getting better is instantly opened, and it takes humility for that to happen. And if both partners are seeking to be humble in that way and hear from one another, then that door is going to be flung wide open for them to be connected.
Speaker 1:Stephen, how would you define humility? That is a great question. Put me on the spot.
Speaker 2:Do we have a dictionary?
Speaker 1:No, I think what I mean by this is I certainly do.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So this is what I mean. Your partner is going to come to you and they might even come to you in a way that doesn't feel great. They might be critical, they might be judgmental, maybe they'll be a little upset, maybe the tone of their voice will be a little loud, maybe it'll be a little sarcastic, who knows? I'm not excusing any of that. That's not okay, but let's say that that happens.
Speaker 2:I think humility is being able to recognize within yourself I don't like what happened and I feel defensive against what my partner is saying. And then the capacity to say but you know what? They're trying to tell me something important and I want to listen. So I'm going to try and listen, and I'm going to try and listen first rather than be defensive and see where that takes us. That doesn't mean you're not going to come back to the thing that you didn't like or that you're frustrated about, and I think that this is the difference in like how some people think about humility. Where they're like, humility just means you forget yourself. You just set yourself aside.
Speaker 2:And, like I, like the voice we've taken on you just kind of take whatever somebody gives you just and you're like okay, like no. You just and you're like okay, like no.
Speaker 2:Humility just simply means that you you're willing to suspend your reaction, believing that your partner is saying something important and you're willing to say like I'll hear from you, let me hear from you, and then we'll come back around. And I think that that's the. I think it, it. It takes some real, yeah, it just takes some, some humility to do that. That's what I would say.
Speaker 1:Okay, Last question and I realize now I'm like wait, you didn't do this to me, but I'm doing it. That's okay, that's okay, uh, how does that happen? Because that feels like quite the if we could all just do that right.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, we'd be out of a job. I think the way we do that is wrapped up in all the other things that came to my mind. So I think that's a great question how do we do that? I think what we're going to talk about um next.
Speaker 1:I'm looking at the list and I spoiler alert I think it's four ticks away okay, four, four ticks away well, at least on your list. Okay for me that, and maybe it's different depending on people's stories, like what allows that to happen, but I know, for me it's four clicks away.
Speaker 2:Spoiler alert is it's remembering your partner's younger self but we'll come there, okay, all All right. What's your next one?
Speaker 1:Okay, so my next one was that, while it presents a lot of different ways, individuals say it a lot of different ways, couples come in a lot of different ways, us included. We all want to be seen and known and accepted and loved, all of us and I think, when we can be willing to say that, I think it sort of, I think you have to be brave to say that you do, and, and for really good reasons a lot, maybe even most of us really struggle to want to say that out loud.
Speaker 1:I don't want to want that, I don't want that. I would rather just be fine. I'm all just over here, but we do. People want that, humans want that, and it doesn't have to be in a romantic relationship, it doesn't have to be in a partnership. But for those of you listening who are in a partnership for us, me and Steven, we want that here. I want you, steven, to know me, to want me, to love me, to accept me, and I think that that is something I've come, we all want that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and when we feel that we're receiving it, we feel so connected, and when we feel like we're not, we feel so hurt, we feel so alone, we feel so disconnected, we feel so angry or we feel so resentful. I think that that's at the core of what's happening.
Speaker 1:Correct. I think that's when our reactions take over and we sort of like I've been saying more and more lately like we sort of go back to default settings because we might have been sort of like feeling more connected and intimate and like really knowing each other, but one little tiptoe into like nope, you didn't, you don't, I'm back and walls are up and defenses are strong, protective barriers are there.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But that's what we want.
Speaker 2:That's the core and I think for some of you, if you're feeling like those walls are up, like a good question to ask yourself is am I not feeling like my partner knows me, understands me, or wants to know me or understand me? And that is the bravery, is to communicate that Right.
Speaker 1:And my own little last bit. It is really hard to know your partner. Again, I would say impossible, but I'm sure it's happened. I don't know, though, if you aren't willing to know yourself, and so, again, like, of course, we all want, stephen, I want you to feel known and loved and wanted and accepted and safe and secure here, but that requires so much internal personal work that I don't always move towards that.
Speaker 1:Nope, today I'm feeling stressed and scared and I'm going to just spiral out over here and and then apologize tomorrow, and that's unfortunate. I don't like when that happens, but it does.
Speaker 2:I like these. Yours are really good, good job.
Speaker 1:You too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my next one is love can overcome, and I know that might sound cheesy and all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:But the reality is we have seen so many couples who just love each other and, at the end of the day, if you just love each other, you can overcome so much. Not because none of these problems exist, but so often it is that deep sense of but you're my person, you're my person, I like, I'm with you because you're my person. These hard things, they just they. They're important and they matter and they need to be addressed. And and what allows people to be able to do that is that they love each other. They love each other enough to be brave, they love each other enough to be humble, they love each other enough to be vulnerable to say I just want you to know me and I don't feel like you are. And love overcomes everything.
Speaker 1:And, yeah, that's beautiful, I think the not to add, I think self-love.
Speaker 2:I'm going to love myself enough to ask for these things. You did add to what I said. Oh, okay, maybe I meant to just add, not to change, but what you added was great. I think I meant to say like just an add not. Yeah, because you said not to add. So I was like, okay, she's not going to add. But then you did, and so then I was like, oh, okay, I misspoke.
Speaker 1:I meant to say not to correct, but to add.
Speaker 2:But instead I said it. I think that's really important too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I think that that's back to the thing we have to love ourselves enough to to say we want something different. We, yeah, we want to ask for more.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so true, yeah, so true. Oh, it's my turn, you're up um.
Speaker 1:Oh, I think that I one of the reasons that steven and I focus on parenting um partners like in this, in this really important stage, is because I think that we get to a point in our relationship where we accept things as they are. But I think when kids enter the picture, it intensifies.
Speaker 2:We accept the dynamic, we accept one another as like yeah, this is you. Yeah, like oh, maybe we're not the best, but like it's fine.
Speaker 1:Like the good enough kind of thing, and I don't think we always think of it that way, which? Is good enough.
Speaker 2:I mean good enough is not bad. No.
Speaker 1:Because we can't be perfect.
Speaker 2:So we do want to be good, but we hear from couples over and over.
Speaker 1:It's not like we had perfect communication before. It's not have just made up for it, but then add kids, add kid and it intensifies.
Speaker 2:Add trying to have kids.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. It intensifies wants, needs, desires, hopes, dreams, fears, hurts. Everything gets intensified and sort of magnified. And this gets me to the point, which is we also, at that point, start saying it's not just for my kids, I want us to be better.
Speaker 2:It's for us.
Speaker 1:And now maybe the creation of these people has made it where we don't have enough of those other experiences. That excuses this moment. We need to address this moment. But I think that having kids, having a kid, helps us to be honest, like this isn't okay anymore. I'm not going to allow this for them. I don't want this dynamic for them. We can't have conflict in this old way anymore. We must be modeling something better. We can't whatever.
Speaker 1:We need to handle our stress better, we need whatever, but I think it gives us permission sometimes or sort of maybe it just demands like, okay, it's time we do something different here. We'd be a little more intentional about how we're interacting with ourselves and each other, and I think that that's profoundly beautiful.
Speaker 2:And that's amplified by having like. Having kids amplifies what you want yes, In life.
Speaker 1:And it makes us fight for it. We say you know what? This is the thing. We're going to do, something different. Or I want better, and I'm able to say that now because I can say I want it better for our kids.
Speaker 2:But really, if I'm honest, I probably would have always wanted this, but it was okay, and now it's not, so, yes, and this is why I take a little bit of a soapbox on some level and I get what people mean by this, Like our life was great and everything, and then we had kids. You know that kind of thing. But I do have a little bit of what is it like? Umbrage about that kind of stuff, Because the reality is, is you, having kids is what invites you to make your life so much better and for you to ask for what you want and for you to pursue purposefully and intentionally what you want, because when you have kids, things just start mattering in a different way, and so your life was what it was before you had kids and then, when you had kids, I think it's an invitation for your life to be even deeper, better, richer, fuller.
Speaker 1:I like it, so it's good. That's what I just want to have. No, no, no, that's just what I add to but we can.
Speaker 2:High five, let's do it. We have now, let's knock Woo.
Speaker 1:All right, none of y'all could see that, but we just even talks with his hands, but something about that one made it seem like a hand.
Speaker 2:Would you like to handshake? No, okay, I do talk with my hands. I'm a huge hand talker.
Speaker 1:So are our kids. It's so funny.
Speaker 2:It's the only way to communicate. What you need really is with your hands as you talk.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm used to it, but that one felt very different yeah.
Speaker 2:So my next principle is when you talk, you should talk with your hands. No, when you talk, you should talk with your hands.
Speaker 1:No, I like that. I think you should reiterate that, because I think I distracted.
Speaker 2:No, no, that's fine, we can move on.
Speaker 1:But kids give us permission to ask for more.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Not, they made everything worse.
Speaker 2:Right, right. Yes, I like that so much. Your life did not diminish, yeah.
Speaker 1:Or your relationship.
Speaker 2:The next thing. Yes, sorry, Curiosity is key and I simply mean when there is confusion, when there is conflict, when there's tension, when there is energy between you and your partner, a curious question or a curious posture is the key to shifting what that interaction is and can be. I have said this before on the podcast. I had a mentor who used to say interested is interesting. And I actually think in human relationship that is really useful If I can be interested in what Aaron is saying, even if I don't understand it, I don't like it, I don't necessarily want to be talking about it, but if I show interest, what it does is it creates a posture of openness rather than a posture of being closed.
Speaker 2:When we feel that our partner's posture towards us is closed, we get defensive, we get combative, we get fearful, we get scared, whatever it might be. But when we feel that our partner's posture is open to us and that they want to know, even if they don't understand or they don't get it, that allows for there to be the opportunity for connection. That allows for there to be the opportunity for connection. So curious questions are the key to opening up avenues of connection between partners.
Speaker 1:I think that's great. I have nothing to add, and I mean it.
Speaker 2:Amazing, amazing, all right.
Speaker 1:What's your next one? That joy is an underrated experience. I think something I've learned from the couples that we work with over and over and over is that tendency and trend we have at ourselves to minimize goodness, to minimize joy, to minimize connection, to focus on the misses and I get it personally, my story supports this.
Speaker 2:Well, our nervous systems also support it in terms of an instinctual look for threat so that you can know you're safe. So in some ways it's natural too.
Speaker 1:Right, it's instinctualual.
Speaker 2:I think that's good yeah, so this is not a um, a criticism, or like pointing out the negative to point out the positive, which we're talking about. This is just like hey, the, the invitation and the work is look for, look for joy yes, to let that matter too.
Speaker 1:um, and this happened in therapy for me with like, but things are good, yeah, for now.
Speaker 1:Like yeah, well, hey, whoa, yeah, but not perfect. You know what else happened. Yeah, there was six and a half days of goodness, but you would not believe how alone I felt on Tuesday at 11 or whatever. And again, I do understand and I think that you're so good and right to point that out, and sometimes good can just be good and to let that win, to let the goodness, the joy, the happy, the laughter, the ridiculous, silly, whatever that is, to let it matter and our tendency as people, I think, to struggle with that, and when partners do that, they find new access to one another.
Speaker 2:It's a whole framework shift that can really shift the feeling and ethos of a relationship. Yes, totally seen that.
Speaker 1:And I think if you are someone I think that this is so important If you are someone who underrates joy, you are not alone. Yeah, and you can start shifting that. Look for the good, look for the joy. And that doesn't mean or it doesn't have to mean, because I do think the fear is based on reality that that means we're just going to brush the struggle under, that we won't ever work on it, that it won't get to matter, that whatever, right, so that can't, that can't happen either. But the joy it gets to matter.
Speaker 1:joy can be so good um I like that one, thank you uh, so this is the.
Speaker 2:This is the one that aaron was saying is the key to how do you do the humble thing which opens the door to connection.
Speaker 1:Well, a lot of what I think, everything you said actually, I'm going to combine a couple of.
Speaker 2:So these are two principles that I believe that we have learned from couples, and so I'll say it like this Stories matter, so know the story. Stories matter, so know the story, but in particular your partner's story in terms of their childhood, who they were, their younger self. Story matters, and you need to know that story. So this is what I mean by that.
Speaker 1:We are shaped by the experiences that we have had in life, Like it or not it's true.
Speaker 2:Yeah, also, it is very well established in science and neuroscience research that our early experiences have particular impact and import on how we look at view what we expect from relationships in our life. So if that's the case, guess what? You, as adult partners are being impacted by your younger stories, and I get it. You might not like that. You might try to like avoid that. Are being impacted by your younger stories, and I get it. You might not like that. You might try to like avoid that. You might think that that's not true.
Speaker 1:I think most people accept that, that's true even if it is, but I'm doing it super different.
Speaker 2:Right, and so what becomes vital for partners to understand is oftentimes the responses, reactions, perceptions that they experience together as adults have some thread or historic origin, and if partners can understand that thread or historic origin, they can understand their present experience and communicate more clearly. Because, for example, if I have a historic origin of feeling like my thoughts and opinions don't matter, I am going to, when Aaron tells me my thought or opinion or something doesn't matter, quote unquote, or she just responds differently to something I have to say, or she's like well, I have a different thought or opinion, I undoubtedly am going to experience that with a little more intensity and energy than maybe it was meant. And so we just have to know, we have to know ourselves and we have to know our partner's story, because that really impacts how we communicate. And if we can do and so the humility part is being humble enough to realize that that's the case that maybe the way I'm experiencing you or perceiving you right now really isn't about you.
Speaker 2:May not be entirely about you Sure, and so that's it. I rest my whatever I was saying.
Speaker 1:I love it. I think I would say that that is central to how we work with couples.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And absolutely central to how we operate our family life.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, it is, yes, it is, yes, it is, and, and Aaron and I haven't had a fight in 15 years, so it must be working.
Speaker 1:Definitely not in 15 minutes.
Speaker 2:Well, that's the point, though, and we say this to every couple we work with too.
Speaker 1:The point is not to no longer have conflict. How? How could two different people, different stories, different selves longer have conflict? How could two different people, different stories, different selves? Not have conflict. We don't even how boring Right. But conflict can be so connective. I mean, I don't know if you knew this. We wrote a book about it.
Speaker 2:Yes, because it's called Too Tired to Fight. Feel free to go out and get your copy today.
Speaker 1:That's right Audio.
Speaker 2:In celebration of our 100th episode. Why?
Speaker 1:don't you go buy our book. I like it, but it should be good, it should be useful, it should be generative and it really can be. And we can show you how. And we do mean that yeah. And that we do live out.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, we most certainly try to, not perfectly, but as best we can. I think you my next, it's my turn. Yeah, I do.
Speaker 1:I liked how you tied it back and remember to connect it, though Mine, I think, is piggybacking off of yours, which wasn't entirely on purpose at all.
Speaker 1:Actually, that healing is a journey and entirely worth the effort well said I see couples meet with us and understandably want to meet with us one time and feel healed. Same right, um, but I do. I just respect so much the couples who show up and keep trying and have those conflicts. That kind of felt like the old stories got in the way but then are like you know what, though it only lasted the night, it didn't ruin the weekend, or it's only happened once this month or whatever, or we talked about it differently this time, and so it actually didn't feel as intense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, intensity, duration, frequency, they're real measures. I do say that to our couples.
Speaker 2:And I think that that's really important is we are trying to help, even in our own life. Um couples understand that through this process of being brave, of being humble, of being curious, of looking for joy, of knowing your story and knowing your partner's story, through all of this what you are developing is a process of communicating and a process of engaging in in like just period, every interaction. And what that does ultimately is it doesn't take away conflict because, of course, how could that be possible? You're two different people, how boring would that be. But it takes down the intensity of conflict, so that conflict doesn't feel so charged and so personal where you're not, because you're not responding out of the past stories and the past intensity that you feel about these stories. So it takes down that intensity. It takes down the duration of the conflict. I mean we're talking, you know, hour long conversations become become two-minute interactions where it's just like yeah, okay, boom and you move on. So intensity, duration and frequency is you have fewer times of feeling like your conflict is creating disconnection.
Speaker 2:What we hope you have is, so many more times, a feeling like conflict is creating connection and in this way, like you, don't have to be afraid of communicating. Period Right, and and I think that that is what we have learned from couples is that that is possible and that these are the avenues to that happening.
Speaker 1:And that these are the avenues to that happening. Yes, and I think exactly what I've learned from couples is that it's worth it. Like we did it and we're doing it and we did it and guess what? And we said the thing and it was like wait a minute, no. What would Steven say? I always think that's really funny, like wait a minute, wait. What would they say?
Speaker 2:When couples are like we thought about it what would Aaron or what would Steven?
Speaker 1:say. It makes me laugh every time. Um, but I'm so glad, because that's the thing, if, if we, if it has to be our voice in your head for a minute during that thing of like, hey, wait, pause, slow down, be curious, you want to be reactive or wait a minute. I'm trying to say something, but I actually don't even know what I'm trying to say. Whoa, I actually need a minute. I don't know what I mean right now.
Speaker 2:And I think that that's another thing I mean. So we wrote a book. It's called Too Tired to Fight Don't be afraid to go out and get it in celebration of our 100th episode. But I think that one of the reasons why people actually like the book is because one of our goals is to help couples know how to talk to each other, and I think that one of the things that we go through a lot is actual scripts, actual phrases, words, things you can say, and again, it's not that you have to say it exactly like we would say it. Everyone's their own person, but sometimes, as we're learning new skills, we need examples.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, even if and I tell people this all the time even if the example is, I would never say this Great.
Speaker 2:How would you say it Right? And so, again, I think that that's another part of this process. That we've learned is really important for couples is for them to see examples, and either that helps them think about how they would say it or it helps them be like nah, that doesn't fit. You know, I would say it a different way, and that is a big part of learning how to communicate.
Speaker 1:Actually, Because to not intentionally, but I'm going to do it anyway tie it all together. Your stories matter. It contributes your own story, your partner's story, contributes to how you are perceiving every interaction about laundry, about jobs, about finances, about family, about all of these things that don't have to have energy. All of those things on paper are just things, but because they have import in our lives, they're charged. They can all be very charged and we can approach that very differently with curiosity, with kindness, with all sorts of bravery, courage and humility. When we understand what it is, we're both worried about what the hurt story is and what we both want so differently. It's so connected when these things all come together and it takes time. It takes doing it wrong. It's never doing it perfectly, but it's like I just led with a super big criticism when I meant to say oh, I just said I hate when you do that, what?
Speaker 1:I meant to say is that actually makes me feel really?
Speaker 2:scared.
Speaker 1:I felt really scared, right then Like that's not what I said.
Speaker 2:And when you know these things, what ends up happening is you become a couple that is working towards something together, because you know one another's stories and you know what story you and your partner want to create together, so that then you can give that story to your family, to their generations to come, and so but then again, you're known, you're loved, it matters.
Speaker 1:you're accepted, you're wanted, it's, you know, like those feelings, those desires, those are so good and not that far out of reach.
Speaker 2:Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents and remember working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.