Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
When Your Partner Makes Life Harder
Got a question, comment, or just want to drop some encouragement? Send us a text.
Remember when you first fell in love? That magical feeling of finding someone who didn't trigger your deepest wounds but seemed to heal them instead? Fast forward through careers, kids, and countless responsibilities, and suddenly those same wounds are wide open again – activated by the very person who once soothed them.
This episode tackles the universal feeling many couples experience but rarely discuss openly: the sense that your partner is actually making your life harder rather than easier. Through the relatable story of Greg and Lucia's conflict over forgotten sports equipment, we unpack how seemingly small disagreements transform into major emotional disconnections. For Greg, whose childhood featured constant criticism, his partner's frustration triggers deep feelings of inadequacy. For Lucia, whose father's absence left lasting abandonment wounds, her partner's oversight reinforces her fear of handling everything alone.
The breakthrough comes in understanding that our relational pain doesn't disappear – but we can change how we respond to it. When both partners recognize what's really happening beneath surface-level conflicts, conversation shifts from blame to understanding. We provide a practical framework for effective repair: validating each other's experiences, acknowledging impact, taking responsibility, and committing to future changes. As we demonstrate through Greg and Lucia's repair conversation, this approach allows couples to honor both their individual wounds and their shared commitment to connection.
Most powerfully, we explore the crucial distinction that explanations are not excuses. Understanding why you react strongly to certain triggers doesn't absolve you from taking responsibility – it empowers you to respond differently. When couples embrace this principle, they transform from adversaries into allies, using their stories not as weapons but as bridges for deeper understanding.
Ready to break free from recurring conflicts and build a stronger connection with your partner? Schedule a free consultation through our website to learn how our unique couples coaching approach can help you move from conflict to true partnership or paste this link your URL to view our consultation calendar: https://calendly.com/ccfp/meet-the-mitchells
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Here are our parents our dad, dr Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, erin Mitchell.
Speaker 2:Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and, oh my goodness, it's been a really long time since we have done a show. We hit 100 episodes and then we got real tired and real busy and then summer happened.
Speaker 1:Life got real lifey.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so what we've basically done is just wait for the back to school season to start so that we can make it the back to the podcast season.
Speaker 1:Ooh, like it.
Speaker 2:What do you think? Love it. It's pretty good, so it is nice to be sitting here doing this with you. As always, we want to address this question. What do you do when it feels like your partner is making your life harder? I know you've never felt this way before, erin, but you know some couples that we talk to do feel this way.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I think that the reality is.
Speaker 2:I even just want to asterisk the feels because I know a lot of partners that when they do yes, that would say it's not a feeling, it's a reality, and here's my data to support this. Yep, look, I absolutely know. Without a doubt, I make your life harder. Same, I get it yeah.
Speaker 1:We all do so, so, and we all don't but go ahead.
Speaker 2:So let's unpack this question and kind of what we mean by this with a real case example, all right.
Speaker 1:I'm ready.
Speaker 2:I mean like a case example that we've created, not a real case example from people we have worked with.
Speaker 1:But this I mean honestly this is made up.
Speaker 2:Basically is what we're saying.
Speaker 1:Yes, based on, though, you're going to relate and you're going to be like oh yeah, you did make this up based on our life story.
Speaker 2:I guarantee you will relate. So, greg and Lucia, you know they've been together for 10 years and have two children. Now, from the outside they look like a successful, loving family, but under the surface they've been feeling increasingly disconnected, especially since becoming parents. You ever felt like that, greg, and Lucy assured it. Now, Greg grew up in a highly critical household with high achieving parents. No matter what he did grades, sports, accomplishments it never felt like enough. Today, even others might see him as smart and accomplished, but his inner voice still says hey, you're falling short.
Speaker 2:Lucia, on the other hand, is outgoing, warm and well-liked, but her early life was marked by loss. Her parents divorced when she was young and her father was largely absent. She had a close bond with her mom but was left wondering for years why didn't my dad want to be around? What's wrong with me? That early experience seeded a deep fear of being abandoned or left to carry things alone. Now, as partners and parents, greg and Lucia love each other, but the strain of daily life has magnified their old wounds. Their conflict feels less like problem solving and more like personal attacks. So here is an example of a recent exchange.
Speaker 1:I'll be Lucia. Hey, Greg, did you remember to send the girls with their practice clothes and cleats today?
Speaker 2:Greg, what you never told me. They needed that, Lucia seriously.
Speaker 1:I asked you this morning and I double checked because I had a work call and I wasn't doing it myself.
Speaker 2:Greg. Well, if you told me I didn't hear you and if you knew they needed it, why didn't you just pack?
Speaker 1:it last night, lucia? Well, because I thought that maybe you'd keep track of this kind of thing. There is a calendar. I reminded you of everything you know. You're their parent too. Why didn't you pack it last night?
Speaker 2:Greg, all you ever focus on is what I forget. I got them ready, took them to school, postponed my meeting so you could take your call, but none of that counts. I forgot one thing.
Speaker 1:Lucia. It's not one thing, greg. Now I have to leave work early.
Speaker 2:I have to drop their stuff off, I'm the one scrambling and I'm doing everything alone Scene. So Greg and Lucia are having a conflict that we Erin has guaranteed many of you have probably had.
Speaker 1:Oh, I do guarantee it, it obviously is going to look a little different, sound a little different and be about a little bit.
Speaker 2:Well, we also guarantee because we have talked to tons of couples who are having this conflict, so we know that it's real.
Speaker 1:It is so real. It's been real for us. Well, yeah, I read Stephen's case study. I was like so you wrote about us again. Here we are again.
Speaker 2:You wrote our relationship into the case example, but so kind of, here's still kind of setting up this idea. So oftentimes we get into relationships because we think they will solve our old pain, our old wounds, not activate it. So many times this is why we're attracted to partners. Greg's a competent guy and can do a lot. This is one of the reasons Lucia was drawn to him. He worked, he had his own place, knew how to cook, did his own laundry and he wanted to be with her. He made an effort to pursue her with fun dates, curious questions about her, all that good stuff, and Greg felt similar about Lucia. She encouraged him, thought he was successful and appreciated the efforts he made to connect and build their relationship. So kind of the setup for the relationship was for.
Speaker 1:Greg, it did feel different.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like oh my gosh, like you're. You're doing the exact opposite of what has hurt me in the past.
Speaker 1:Which means you are seeing and appreciating all of the good things that I am doing.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And Lucia said the same thing. Oh my gosh, someone I don't have to take care of, I can do my thing, you can do your thing, I'm not in charge of you, you're in charge of you. What? This is amazing. And you are picking me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're not abandoning me, you chose me. And then, I think, for you know many of these partners the idea is like oh, this is going to be what I've always wanted, what I've always needed. And then life gets busy. Both partners get stressed. They have kids and all of a sudden, the old pain is starting to be stirred back up and this starts to create new areas of pain and disconnect. And that's what. That's where Greg and Lucy are right now.
Speaker 1:And if that is where you and your partner are right now, you are okay, this is okay. This is actually a very um I don't mean this word like it's going to sound normal thing. That happens. This is not the problem. This is common. This is all very solvable.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. The problem is not that your partner activates your old pain. No, like now. That's uncomfortable, right? No one likes that. But that doesn't mean anything about your relationship other than you're in one, and you know that's what happens.
Speaker 1:And to some extent any partner would have acted. Some area of old pain, yeah, yeah so and and so then.
Speaker 2:So, then the, so the yeah, the kind of the quote unquote trick of it all is it's not that you have to learn how you and your partner can address the old pain that is being stirred through simple everyday things like you didn't pack the girls cleats and practice stuff, and what that means for both Greg and Lucia, because if you notice, where Greg is focused is you're criticizing me, you're not appreciating me, which is his old pain, right. And where Lucia is focused is I'm all alone having to figure all of this out. You've abandoned me, which is her old pain.
Speaker 1:And the reality is they're both right. Sure Did Greg. I mean, we didn't actually go into all the details of how Greg did organize his morning to make sure that Lucia got the time and space she needed to do her thing. So we kind of are missing a little bit of the details on that, because this is a case scenario that we gave 30 seconds to, but the reality is like he did do something to try to prioritize Lucia.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And he feels like that doesn't count. In fact, she said I'm alone, which? He's like huh, that's funny because I was up and doing stuff, but sure you're alone because I'm a big failure. Yep, that's painful, and that doesn't negate, though, that Lucia does need to be able to assume that Greg's going to parent too and like, why do why that part?
Speaker 1:when she said, why didn't I pack the cleats last night? Why didn't you pack? I mean, that is like probably the most relatable sentence of this thing for me. Like I'm sorry, coming in Although I don't think most of the Gregs we know would say that that felt like a bold statement. But the reality is like both of their pains are activated and they are both activated understandably. That doesn't make one of them right or wrong or righter or wronger, it means they're both activated.
Speaker 2:Right, and so there's a couple of principles here we want to highlight so that then you can think about okay, what, what do we do?
Speaker 1:what do we do yeah because cute, right, otherwise this is just cute, yeah, and and so I think it is important to recognize our relational pain is our relational pain.
Speaker 2:It is always going to be there. It is not not going to go away. That wound, that core wound, is not going to go away. But what can happen is the charge and the power and the intensity of it can change. And I think that that is what we're talking about here, because Greg and Lucia are going to feel these things.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Because this is connected to their story, this is connected to their experience. That pain won't change. So that's kind of the first principle. The second principle is in a relationship, we need to know our relational pain and our partners. So Greg and Lucia need to be able to identify like, yeah, hey, I've got this kind of pain about feeling alone and abandoned. Hey, I've got this pain about feeling like I'm never enough, I'm always failing. They have to understand that. So there has to be some kind of reflective process that partners engage in to understand these stories.
Speaker 1:Do you have one more?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, there's other things, but I think I can see your.
Speaker 1:Well, I just want to point that out. So the point of us acknowledging that these are our pains and understanding these for our partners ourselves and our partners is not to be like so that's just who I am. Don't ask something else from me. Is not to be like so don't. So that's just who I am.
Speaker 2:Don't ask something else, right, right. So don't get upset with me, for you know not doing something.
Speaker 1:But it's to understand how this conversation because, honestly, in a different couple or with a different topic or in a different situation, this could have been a two right, like it's like oh, you forgot, oh, bummer Got it, can you take him? Nope have been a two right, like it's like oh, you forgot, oh, bummer Got it, Can you take him? Nope, okay, I'll figure it out, we'll get there. Or they don't have cleats. Oops, they could have remembered, but neither here nor there.
Speaker 1:This is, this is an 11, quickly, because it pokes those places and if everybody knows that then we can all understand like oh, I get that. So then when Lucia comes in hot and it's like what? Well, actually she didn't come in hot yet, I think Greg actually came in hot first, if I'm remembering this right, because Lucia just pointed it out. But she's going to know that pointing it out is going to poke that hurtful place right in Greg. But I think a lot of the times with the couples we talk to, you feel like so now I have to tiptoe on how I approach this. No, you have to be respectful, but absolutely Lucia should still be able to say you forgot the cleats.
Speaker 2:Right, because this goes into the kind of the next principle, which is we have to know these things because we have to be able to see how the quote unquote little things are connected to our relational pain and communicate when that pain has been activated. So, just as you're saying like this could just be about practice clothes and cleats and not be a big deal because, but for for Greg and Lucia, this little thing means something more and every couple has these, this kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:Yes, and we have a lot of things to help couples. I mean, this is the work we do with couples to try to figure out, like, what are your themes, what are your wounds that are getting poked and activated? Because if we don't know, it's a never ending roller coaster no one wants to be on of, like highs, lows. I don't understand, I want to get off, I don't know.
Speaker 1:So like it's worth addressing and figuring these places out, and then so I can be respectful in how I bring this up to Greg, lucia can be respectful, and then so Greg can take accountability of. Like whoa, I came out big of like nothing, I do matter. No, the 10 things I did don't matter. This one thing mattered, because the opposite could be true too. Right, like Greg, that's what you chose to focus on. Sure sure.
Speaker 2:So I think that and that's what you're talking about is that idea of both partners need to be able to acknowledge how their pain is confusing. The communication doesn't excuse what happened, but they need to be able to acknowledge it so that then they can actually do something practical about it, because most partners and most conflict for couples get stuck in the lack of acknowledgement and the lack of validation, the lack of feeling heard, and that never happens, and so you can never get to a place of a different action, and so I think that-.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because the win here isn't sorry you were in the middle.
Speaker 2:No, go ahead.
Speaker 1:Well, the win here isn't Greg being like, okay, fine, I'll take the cleats. Yeah, no one's repaired because, Lucia still feels like oh, it is still on me to make sure I'm running everything. Oh, I am going to be alone forever with this person Noted and Greg walks away feeling like I'm always going to be not enough. Didn't matter. Yep Got it. I'm still going to be in trouble, even though I'm not taking the cleats.
Speaker 2:Great, and this is how partners end up feeling like my partner is making my life harder. In other words, you are making me I mean and I don't think that this is the proper you know kind of viewpoint, but it's this viewpoint of you are making me feel the things I have tried to get away from my whole life and that makes my life right now worse.
Speaker 2:It makes it like I don't enjoy it, I don't enjoy you, and this is, this is not what I signed up for Correct, right. And so I think that when couples get to this point, that can feel very well it is, it can feel very serious, but there's a really, I think, simple redirect Agreed that can really address this point. So why don't we? We'll give you a little bit of what this conversation could look like. If both partners are able to acknowledge one another and then they're able to take a different action, great, all right. So, greg, hey, lucia, I totally get why you were frustrated about the girls practice stuff. I got defensive and I can see how that didn't help. It was frustrating that I forgot. Honestly, I didn't hear you double check with me this morning, but I still could have looked at the calendar, I could have asked the girls or I could have followed up with you. That part completely on me.
Speaker 1:Lucia. I appreciate you saying that. Greg, I think what gets to me is that I often feel like I'm carrying everything for the girls the logistics, the planning and it leaves me feeling like I am on my own, like you're not really with me in it.
Speaker 2:Greg, yeah, I hear that. I'm trying to say I get how this morning hit that feeling hard for you, that sense of being alone and having to manage everything yourself. I wasn't trying to ignore that, so I'm trying. I'm trying to acknowledge that and at the same time I think I felt criticized. I'm not saying I'm not saying I didn't drop the ball, but more that I often feel like what I'm doing gets overlooked and the focus is mostly on what I've missed. I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset, it makes total sense. I just noticed that my defensiveness came from feeling like I'm being seen as falling short all the time.
Speaker 1:Lucia, I understand that when I feel alone, I'm hyper aware of the ways it shows up and I tend to call them out. I do appreciate you saying it. Even if you felt criticized, you understand why I was upset and that matters to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I totally missed it, that part's true.
Speaker 1:And you are doing a lot and I do see it and I do appreciate everything you're juggling. I feel alone sometimes, but I also know you're really engaged and showing up in a lot of ways.
Speaker 2:Greg, thanks, that means a lot.
Speaker 1:So what I like about this repair and honestly, it can be that simple yeah, Because this is a couple who knows the stories Right, so I mean you don't have to take. You don't have to go back to the history every time when you know the history.
Speaker 2:This is how Greg and Lucy have been helped by working with us. We have we have fictitiously helped them understand their story and, honestly, joking aside, like that is the point of what we do to try and help partners understand their story so that they can have two minute conversations like this.
Speaker 1:And not two day ruiners.
Speaker 2:Right, right and feel connected and feel heard and understood.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and after the two days of being ruined. It's not like there was actual repair. We just moved on because, like I do know you're not a bad person You're not. I know you're trying, whatever. Fine, I don't feel seen, heard, understood, known, but I can't expect that anyway. Heard, understood, known, but I can't expect that anyway. So you know, brush and then it. It's very close to the surface. For next time.
Speaker 2:But. But I do think kind of back to. I'm sorry I did interrupt you, but I think what you're also trying to say is what felt helpful about this dialogue is and Greg was like Lucia, you have every right to be upset.
Speaker 1:And I should have validated that right away.
Speaker 2:Like I missed it and you being angry absolutely and you feeling like I'm leaving you alone. Totally get how it feels that way. That's not the intention, but that is exactly what happened. And that doesn't mean that Greg has to just ignore his experience and not say like, hey, you know, I was feeling kind of criticized and that's something I'd. Greg has to just ignore his experience and not say like, hey, like you know, I was feeling kind of criticized and that's something I'd like to talk about too Correct.
Speaker 2:And so I think that there was an openness from both of them to say I know there's something happening for you. I need to take responsibility for where I played a part in that old pain being stirred up. And then you know, we didn't necessarily hear it from Greg and Lucia. But then there's also a way for future action. So, for example, the next time Greg is getting the girls ready in the morning, he might think, hey, why don't I go look at the calendar to check out and see if there's practice, if I'm forgetting anything? Or why don't I double check with Lucia? Or why don't I like he? He has that awareness of what needs to be done and how he can have a different action and Lucia has an awareness of like you know, hey, like I do focus on the things that aren't going well a lot, like I can make efforts to focus on, like Greg, like I appreciate this, like like I'm grateful for this, like what you're doing does matter. Those are the action steps that they can both be aware of.
Speaker 1:I think that final thoughts for me. Well, I think final thoughts for me are again and I don't know how many times I've said it and how many times I will say it again explanations are not excuses. The fact that Greg felt criticized doesn't mean that one that Lucia was trying to criticize him. But he does get to say. That's why I responded the way I did. I felt criticized and I've got big about that. That is not an excuse. And when we start using our stories as excuses, that's when we know we're not repairing, we have not yet repaired ourselves. When our stories are moments of explanations and accountability, that's when we're using our story for connection.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's all, and I think that is really powerful. That idea of knowing the story is what allows you to connect. If Greg and Lucia don't know the story of this moment, what they walk away with is oh my goodness, lucia is so ungrateful and so petty. She just is always nagging me and Lucia walks away saying Greg is so selfish, so uninvolved and leaves everything to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and he thinks he deserves a gold star for helping me parent.
Speaker 2:And that is where many couples live and exist in parenting.
Speaker 1:And who could blame them for feeling disconnected?
Speaker 2:What terribly sad mischaracterizations, yeah yeah, but there is a way out, and the way out is to know your story so that you can choose the story that you want to live Absolutely.
Speaker 2:And I think that that is honestly, in a really simple way. That is what we see as the key to couples being able to move from conflict to connection. Do you want to reconnect, communicate better and navigate parenting as true partners, not just roommates? Well, we offer private coaching for couples. Whether you're stuck in the same arguments, struggling to find time for each other or just feeling off, we offer practical tools that actually work for real parents. We also provide individual coaching for parents who want to show up more intentionally in their relationships, break old patterns or just feel more grounded in the middle of the chaos.
Speaker 2:What's one of the things that makes our work different? We coach couples as a couple. This allows couples to have more than one perspective on their concerns and meet with a couple that understands the reality of partnerhood in parenting. Whether you come as a couple or on your own, you don't have to do this alone. We're here to help. Head to our podcast description, our website, couplescounselingforparentscom or our LinkedIn bio on Instagram and click the free consult link to schedule your free consult and get started today. Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples, counseling for Parents, and remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.