Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
Since Kids, We Never Have Time for Our Relationship!
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The back-to-school season brings a whirlwind of activity that can leave even the strongest relationships feeling disconnected. Soccer schedules, school supplies, and new routines create a perfect storm where couples find themselves working efficiently as logistics partners but missing each other as romantic partners.
This episode tackles the reality that many parents face during transitional seasons: feeling like you've "gone away" from yourself and your relationship. Dr. Stephen Mitchell and Erin Mitchell, MACP explore how even couples who excel at coordinating family life can struggle to maintain meaningful connection when schedules explode.
We introduce three practical strategies for staying connected without requiring what most parents simply don't have – abundant free time. Through self-reflection, curiosity about your partner, and reimagining how connection happens, couples can maintain intimacy during chaotic seasons. The key insight? Micro-moments matter. Just as small disconnections accumulate to create distance, intentional moments of connection – even just a minute or two – build a foundation of closeness that sustains relationships through busy parenting years.
Using the story of Gabby and Latrice, we demonstrate how real couples can incorporate these practices into everyday moments like brushing teeth together or sending a thoughtful text. You'll learn how to ask questions that truly invite your partner to share, how to use the time you already have for meaningful reflection, and how to appreciate connection attempts even when they don't land perfectly.
Whether you're in the thick of back-to-school madness or navigating any busy season of family life, this episode offers hope that your relationship doesn't have to disappear when time feels impossible. Try our three-step approach and discover how small moments can create lasting connection during life's busiest chapters.
Want to talk with Stephen or Erin individually or as a couple for coaching? Schedule a free consult today: https://calendly.com/ccfp/meet-the-mitchells
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Here are our parents our dad, dr Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, erin Mitchell.
Speaker 2:Hello and thanks for joining us on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and we made it. Erin, you're not feeling well today. I'm sorry You're not feeling well, thank you, but we're here. But we're here.
Speaker 3:And I think this is an important topic. This is one I actually requested we do. It is back to school, and I think that there is a reality to back to school where it's not good, it's not bad, it's just what it's not good, it's not bad, it's just what.
Speaker 2:It's not good, it's not bad, it's just like oh my goodness Well it's activating.
Speaker 3:I think it's true for kids, I think it's true for parents, and maybe it is good and maybe it is bad, but the point is, no matter what, this is an activating time of year.
Speaker 1:So you may be excited, your kids may be excited.
Speaker 3:Your kids may be very disappointed. You may be very disappointed Either way.
Speaker 1:this is an activating time of year. There's money to be spent Correct.
Speaker 3:Yes, there are new schedules to try to figure out where they're going to go, how they're going to fit. There's just a lot to coordinate and it is a perfect time for self-disconnection and partner disconnection, and that is why I think we should talk about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and so I mean that's the pain point we are wanting to think about today is because of the chaos. I mean, we've even been-.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we're in it.
Speaker 2:We were just talking about it, like when are we ever going to see each other Between work between soccer and tennis practices, between weekends? Like our weekends are consumed with like 19 soccer games. You know, like it's like this coming weekend.
Speaker 3:Yes, yes, it is, and only two of our kids are in tournaments.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and and so it's just like, hey, um, we, like so many partners, can do a great job of like the logistics and the administrative stuff and working as a team to kind of coordinate. But there's that feeling of like, hey, hey, I miss you, remember us, remember our relationship, and that can feel really, really hard.
Speaker 3:So I think that is the pain point that you are specifically addressing. I think the one that feels really important to me because it has felt present to me, is the biggest part of a couple relationship, right is two present individuals. And I feel personally I know that I'm talking to a lot of um, the, the moms I work with right now who are feeling like I've gone away, like I I can't find myself. I'm having a hard time like locating me in the midst of this. And I have to assume that is true.
Speaker 2:No, I'm engaged. I am locked into how Steven is.
Speaker 3:And the dads you're working with, I think would echo the sentiment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I absolutely feel.
Speaker 3:There's so much happening.
Speaker 2:So anyway, let's jump in.
Speaker 3:But I think that this is what we're talking about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we're going to take a little walk down the road with Gabby and Latrice. You know Gabby recently started a new role at a new company after being surprised by her old company telling her they did not have a role for her moving forward. She liked her old job and was blindsided by the sudden change. Latrice has been worried about Gabby but in all honesty, she hasn't really had any time to sit down and talk with Gabby about what happened. Yes, they have talked about it a little and obviously had to talk about the new role Gabby took, but life has been too crazy to really talk about it.
Speaker 2:Right when Gabby started her new role, the kids got out of school, got back to school and Latrice has been busy managing transporting, social coordinating, being a travel agent and mom to two elementary age kids. And it's been a small feat for Latrice and Gabby to have like a five minute conversation without the kids needing something or they're needing to be some game to go to or whatever it is. And so just the other day Latrice said hey, gabby, I really do want to talk with you about how things are going at work and how you're feeling about being in a new company. I mean, I still don't even know if I understand how you feel about being pushed out of your old job. Gabby says Latrice, I have no idea what to tell you. This is such a crazy time of year and I don't even know what's going on.
Speaker 2:Latrice, well, I mean, that's what I'm saying. I want to sit down and talk about it. Maybe processing it together would help you understand how you're feeling about it all. I'm just curious, and there's a lot that's going on for me that I'd like to share too. Gabby, I want to do that, latrice. It just seems like there's never a free moment to even try and have that conversation. Last week, we tried to go out to dinner together and we both felt so tired. We just didn't go. Latrice, I know it does feel a bit impossible at times, but I still want it. This sounds similar to a conversation Aaron and I had this morning, sure.
Speaker 3:Right, I think that this seems like the conversation Now whether or not job transitions or what, have you the specifics? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:That's just a little spice, a little spice of life thrown in there. It's just that idea of like, hey, it's hard for us to connect.
Speaker 3:And it's hard for me to locate. I don't know. We're just trying to make it, yeah Right, like, how am I doing? I don't know yeah.
Speaker 2:And I think that this is kind of the burn of parenting and being in a partner relationship. That isn't, I mean, I think it's not positive or negative, it's just a reality. And so then the question is well, what can we do in the midst of this reality to foster some connection to ourselves and to our partner? To foster some connection to ourselves and to our partner. And I think that you know one of the things. So, if you noticed in Gabby and Latrice's conversation, like Gabby, like Latrice, knew the content of what had happened with Gabby. You know she got laid off, she had to get a new job. She's in that new job, great. Gabby knew the content of Latrice's life. You're, you know, hanging with the kids, helping them with school, coordinating, everything like wonderful.
Speaker 2:But knowing that doesn't allow you to actually know yourself or each other, and I think that that's what we're getting at. There has to be, there has to be the ability to communicate some of the deeper meaning and the deeper feeling of what's happening in your life. You know there's three things that you need to have this kind of deeper level of connection with yourself and with your partner take place. See what you think of these three things, okay, and adjust them accordingly. If you don't agree, I think first of all you do to your point. You need to have some self-reflection.
Speaker 3:Check I agree.
Speaker 2:Then the second is you have to express some curiosity towards your partner in terms of what is happening for them. Correct, so self-reflection, curiosity in your partner. And then the third is you have to make time. I love this one the most because I can already anticipate people's yeah, I think this is the hard, I think this is the tough, like one of the most common reasons why the other two don't happen. There's just no time.
Speaker 3:Right, but I think that we have a solution to this. So this is why it's my favorite, because, yeah, you can't make time. It's the one thing we can't make right.
Speaker 2:Right, that's right. That's right. And so if we think about self-reflection, I think you know. Again, the whole idea here is when does this already happen for you? So, for example, I try to run. One of the things that I find is that when I run, I think a lot and I actually come back from a run actually feeling like, hey, I've thought about myself a little bit and I might have something to communicate. That's just something built into my schedule that can happen. I also tend to do those kinds of things when I'm driving in the car, so like if I'm. And I also tend to do those kinds of things when I'm driving in the car, so like if I'm. Like the other day, like we took our kids to soccer practice, one of our kids forgot some gear, so that meant I had to drive back to the house by myself, but that gave me some time to think about myself.
Speaker 3:Sure.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, what are times that you like?
Speaker 3:Well, this is what I was going to say. So do I have time to think about myself? Yes, but is that what I spend my time doing? No, and so I think that this is part of one of the things I do. I'm very self-centered, so I like to spend all the time I can just thinking about myself.
Speaker 2:I know.
Speaker 3:No to your point. What you're saying is no one in our house is like waking up in the fours. And journaling Correct or like taking out the yoga mat and like looking at our beautiful view from our mountain setting and like taking deep breaths. No one's doing that here, because we also sleep sometimes. Not much, but when we can, we do, and so what you're saying is like take the time you've got and be intentional with it.
Speaker 2:So think about the time you have, like what is the time and again, I'm not talking like anything, even more than five minutes. It is that idea of you have to use what's available to you.
Speaker 3:Correct and, I think, for me the word. When I said intentional, I meant that because I'm not intentional with my time. Yeah, I have pockets of time too. But you know what? I spend my pockets of time thinking about what our oldest is going to do for high school, or if our middle he tours ACL the first tournament game last summer, and he's about we're about to have that first tournament game this summer, this coming weekend, and I have found myself spinning out about that Like ugh, I've tried to just ignore those thoughts.
Speaker 3:I'm just saying my moments where I could be thinking about myself. I tend to allow real things. Things I am really aware of. But what I don't do is say, like, why is that a priority to me? Like why am I thinking about high school right now? Why am I thinking about this tournament game? Or our youngest. Like are we doing for him like? You know the same sort of like community building that we have done for others. Anyway, these are the things for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I like that, even what is preoccupying your mind, to then ask yourself how come this is important? What does this mean to me, so it's not bad.
Speaker 3:Those are important things to me right now.
Speaker 2:Those are real and important things to me.
Speaker 3:But what are they communicating? What do I want to be talking about? Because, also, I know myself well enough to know I can just spin and spin, and spin in worst case scenario.
Speaker 3:You know, like we always talk about, like in our values, there's always hopes and there's always fears. Well, if I'm not intentional about that, my fears can win and I can just spin and spin. So I have this moment. This is what I'm thinking about. What does that mean about myself? What does that mean about my hopes for my kids? What does that even mean about my fears for this time in our life?
Speaker 2:And then share that reflection. So I think that's what happens for me. Where I get hung up is I might think of something right, but I'm just like it just stays on the inside. Yes, and I have to kind of make my insides come to the outside and that's what's intentional for you.
Speaker 2:Whatever you find is the challenge in the self-reflection. This is sort of your angle. So I think that that's some self-reflection and sharing those reflections is one of the first things. I think the second thing is this idea of being curious why are you smiling?
Speaker 3:Because this one's a big couple breaker.
Speaker 2:She was smiling at me and I was like what?
Speaker 3:I'm so unused to you smiling so unused to you being happy.
Speaker 2:What's wrong? No, so, and I think there's a simple. I think we've used this phrase before. Again, one of my favorite phrases is that interested is interesting, and so I think that if we show interest in our partner, then the interaction is interesting. You become interesting to your partner, they can show interest in you. It kind of feeds off of one another in a circular manner, and so I think curiosity is one of those ways to show interest. And so I think just a basic rubric, a basic thing that you can ask yourself each day is what is one way I can demonstrate to my partner that I am curious about their life today? So, for example, erin has said she's been thinking a lot about high school for our kid. You know what A curious question could be like hey, I know you've been thinking about this a lot, kind of like where are you today?
Speaker 3:So I love that, I love the like, very specific think of one way to demonstrate care.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's. Ask your partner one question in the day that says hey, what's going on with you?
Speaker 3:Just to throw a wrench in that, because that's what I love to do. I think that different not. I think I'm positive that different partners respond to different questions differently. So your question has to make sense for your partner. People want to be known. In a couple of relationships we all want to be known by our partner, but so often the way that the question is brought to us, we can dismiss it, we can miss it. It can also feel like pressure. Miss it, it can also feel like pressure. So we have to ask our partner a question in a way that is useful and helpful and kind and considerate of our partner. So if you come home from your run and I'm like what'd you think about?
Speaker 2:That's not a great question, but I'm going to tell you?
Speaker 3:that's what I want to ask. Tell me start at the beginning, so like you went down our front steps, and then what Like take me through the whole run.
Speaker 3:That is a question that feels helpful to me, but that is not the kind of question that is going to open Steven up, but the reality is, I think that question would be helpful to me. It's also not because I have had my five minutes where I was doing whatever it was I was doing. Honestly, what I spend most of my day doing is making snacks, filling water bottles and cleaning up snacks. Yes, but doing is making snacks, filling water bottles and cleaning up snacks, yes, but if you were to say what?
Speaker 1:have you been?
Speaker 3:thinking about I don't know Nothing. School, it's always school. But the reality is something that helps me realize I have a self.
Speaker 2:So I wonder if this question for you would help. If I was like and let's just take the high school thing.
Speaker 3:Hey, you've been thinking about high school a lot, it could be high school, but let me tell you how many couples do we have that are talking about this with preschools? That are talking about this with kindergartens, because now, all of a sudden, you can choose.
Speaker 2:When I was growing up, we had one option and and I think a question from for me to you could be like hey, you've been thinking about that, like what about? It is feeling really important right now sure yes, I think that that might land right?
Speaker 3:yes, I did it. It would definitely help me go into that deeper layer of yeah, what is fueling this for? Me right now, or where do I want to get in this circular? Wandering right now?
Speaker 2:So then I think, honestly let's just take the example of if I came back from a run honestly, I think the curious question is just you being like well, how did it go? If you ask me that, which I think you have, usually I just start I'm like, oh, it went pretty well, and you know I was thinking about and blah, blah, blah, blah, and then I just sort of unload it. But if you don't ask me, I'll just walk in and I won't say anything and just move on. So I think that's a great point. Ask the curious question to try to set a goal of like, what's one curious question I could ask my partner today that would demonstrate my interest in their life, but, to your point, you have to ask it in a way that fits their language.
Speaker 3:The second part of that is be generous If your partner asks a question that's like that. I don't know't know.
Speaker 2:Well, why not have the conversation? Maybe you don't know, we just did. Would this work? Would this be asking you in a curious way that fits for you, because you might?
Speaker 3:not know, but I think we never know until it's happening. And then it's like but if it comes out, and I'm like Steve and I don't know the answer to that question, but I'm glad you asked.
Speaker 3:Like thank you for trying. I think there has to be a generous appreciation for the attempt and the effort and, like I'll get back to you, I need to think about that. I don't know or I'm just struggling right now or something, but there has to like, yes, there needs to be some intention about the ways we engage our partner. I really do think that we could all ask better questions. One, two be generous, I mean.
Speaker 2:At the effort. You know appreciate the effort. Yes, yes.
Speaker 3:That is a direct word to myself. I can get lost and like I didn't like that.
Speaker 2:That wasn't Wrong.
Speaker 3:That's not the question.
Speaker 2:I don't like that one, yeah. Okay, wrong, that's not the question. I don't like that one, yeah. And then the third thing. So we've given you, there's self-reflection, there's being curious Self-reflection and share.
Speaker 3:Yes, be curious and generous.
Speaker 2:And then the third is you have to make time, and I think that this is the thing about time there will never be enough time, there will never be the right time and there will never be the kind of time you want in this phase and stage of your life.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 2:And so if you're looking for enough time, if you're looking for the right time and if you're looking for the kind of time you want to connect with your partner, you're going to really struggle. You have to think flexibly and adaptably.
Speaker 3:I don't know if that's a word.
Speaker 2:Sure and thinking in terms of when do you and your partner find you're doing something alone together in your day-to-day? And you might be like never. It never happens. So I'm like, well, a time that Aaron and I find ourselves doing something alone together is a time we're doing something that our kids don't want to do, which is folding laundry. You know what?
Speaker 2:They disappear All of a sudden all of a sudden, you know, Aaron and I are there folding laundry together without the kids, or if we're cleaning the kitchen, all of a sudden you know, hey, we're just sitting there cleaning the kitchen or cooking dinner.
Speaker 3:But that's a new thing for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, At this point it's a couple years old.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying for us. Those are times that we end up finding ourselves alone.
Speaker 3:I think waiting for alone time is even a mountain too high.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't even mean necessarily alone, just like a quiet moment where there could be a pause A possible moment, Right sure. Right, and so I think that that's you know, for you and your partner to sit there and be like what? What are some times, are there any natural times in our day where we are just there's, there's a, there's an opening? And again, I'm not talking about like we've got you know, yeah, 10 minutes could be great. Well, that would be a lot, I think yeah.
Speaker 2:To be able to do, to be able to ask the curious question, to be able to share something that you have reflected on, If you're trying to be conscious about these little moments. These little moments actually stack up to be quite a few points of connection in a day, in a week, in a month.
Speaker 3:I think we are not big technology people. I mean you like it more than I do, but like I don't know much. But I do think a way that technology can be really helpful in this is to send it.
Speaker 1:This is something at some point I'd like to, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:I've been thinking about this at some point. I'd love to circle back to this, just to get it out there.
Speaker 2:And then, if you do that, guess what? That's a great lead into like, hey, you sent me this text today and you wanted to talk about this. I'd love to hear about it. Curious question.
Speaker 3:And like I sent you this text earlier I don't even know if you saw it, but I did want to circle back up on that- I do want to circle back up on that.
Speaker 2:I do want to bring that back up. This is important. I just wanted to make sure you knew. Yeah, yeah, so there's you know. Are you ever in the car together? Are you ever?
Speaker 1:standing there both watching a practice or a game. Are you ever not Things?
Speaker 2:And again, these aren't, these aren't perfect solutions, but I do think that if we solutions, but I do think that if we have a little intention to think about our days and the opportunities for these small steps, it actually, it really matters.
Speaker 3:This is my favorite way of thinking about it that small like these micro moments stack up to disconnection, but micro moments also stack up to connection. Say it again and I mean that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 3:It doesn't have to be profound and, like you know, if you think back to like before, we had kids, time was profound. We had time in abundance and it wasn't this thing that we had to, like, claw our way for. But now we do, so, like there's just a thing I wanted to tell you. I've been thinking about this. Now's not a great time to talk about it, but I wanted to bring it up. That is a micro moment of connection. I have this thing. It's important. I want you to know, be aware of it. I'm going to try to bring it back up. But, like, that is how time becomes real time and we can profoundly use micro moments.
Speaker 2:Yep. So we're going to. We're going to try to give it a little example. You know, gabby and Latrice, you know they're in the same boat we all are in and this is this is maybe what what that dialogue could look like. I'll be Gabby, can you be Latrice, all right? So Gabby, she's in the bathroom with Latrice brushing their teeth, all right, in the morning getting ready, or in the evening going to bed, whatever. Hey, latrice, you know I was making coffee this morning and I did that one-minute reflection thing we had talked about After. You know, after I was done, you know kind of thinking about myself for one minute, you know I realized like I was glad to be going to work today, and I don't know if that says everything about how I've been feeling, about the job change and new role, but at least I feel like I'm glad to go to work.
Speaker 3:Latrice says Gabby, that's great. I'm glad to know you're feeling good about where you are with work. You've worked hard to build a career and I'm glad to know you're feeling good about where you are with work. You've worked hard to build a career and I'm really happy that you feel good about it.
Speaker 2:So later in the day, after Latrice picked up the kids from school, latrice text Gabby and says I picked Bea up from school today and I saw her playing with her friends.
Speaker 3:I like our school, I like this stage of life, the kids seem happy and I feel like you and I are doing a good job as parents. I just wanted to share while it was on my mind.
Speaker 2:Gabby. Hey, latrice, I loved getting that text from you. What about B playing got you thinking this way? Those micro moments, and granted, yes, is that a bit contrived, because we talked about that. Absolutely, that's what we get to do here on the podcast when we're writing scripts. But I think it, but it is.
Speaker 3:But it's also not contrived. Those are real things that have happened to us Exactly.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and there are things that can happen for you and your partner so that you can, as you were saying, Erin, take it's the micro moments of disconnection add up to feeling disconnected.
Speaker 3:That's right.
Speaker 2:The micro moments of making effort to connect can add up to an overall feeling for you and your partner in your couple relationship, of connection. Do you want to reconnect, communicate better and navigate parenting as true partners, not just roommates? Well, we offer private coaching for couples. Whether you're stuck in the same arguments, struggling to find time for each other or just feeling off, we offer practical tools that actually work for real parents. We also provide individual coaching for parents who want to show up more intentionally in their relationships, break old patterns or just feel more grounded in the middle of the chaos. What's one of the things that makes our work different? We coach couples as a couple. This allows couples to have more than one perspective on their concerns and meet with a couple that understands the reality of partnerhood in parenting. Whether you come as a couple or on your own, you don't have to do this alone. We're here to help. Head to our podcast description, our website CouplesCounselingForParentscom or our LinkedIn bio on Instagram and click the free consult link to schedule your free consult and get started today.
Speaker 2:Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents. And remember working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.