Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
Your No and My Yes: How Small Parenting Differences Create Big Tensions
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Ever find yourself locked in a heated argument with your partner over something that seems trivial—like whether your child can ride their bike in the street instead of on the sidewalk? These everyday parenting disagreements can quickly escalate, leaving you both frustrated and disconnected, despite agreeing on your broader parenting philosophy.
Today we tackle these seemingly minor differences that create major tension. While many couples align on core values, discipline approaches, and long-term goals, it's often the day-to-day decisions where conflicts emerge. One parent feels strongly about saying "no" while the other sees no problem with "yes"—and suddenly you're in a standoff that feels much bigger than the issue at hand.
Through our case example of Hunter and Ren disagreeing about bike riding boundaries, we demonstrate how these conflicts aren't really about rules, but about what feels safe, what feels risky, and what makes each parent anxious. We share our personal experiences too, from water safety concerns at a lake house to differing perspectives on outdoor risks while camping or hiking.
The good news? We offer a practical three-step process to transform these moments from conflict to connection. First, understand how this issue became important to each of you—what past experiences or fears shape your perspective? Second, recognize what your partner is seeing from your communication style—are they feeling dismissed or controlled? Finally, identify where you can find common ground that addresses both of your underlying concerns.
Remember, strong reactions signal importance, not irrationality. When your partner keeps pushing a point that seems minor to you, try responding with curiosity rather than dismissal. By approaching differences with genuine respect and working to find solutions that honor both perspectives, you'll strengthen your partnership and create more harmony in your parenting journey.
Ready to transform how you handle parenting differences? Schedule a free consultation with us through the link in our show description, and discover how to navigate these challenges together.
Schedule your free consult here: https://calendly.com/ccfp/meet-the-mitchells
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Here are our parents our dad, dr Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, erin Mitchell.
Speaker 2:Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and we are excited to be here with you today.
Speaker 3:Today is our kids' first day back to school. We know a lot of people started last week and then we know other people, specifically I think in the Northeast and the United States here, still have a week or two.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So either way you're somewhere, just started in it or looking right at it. Yeah, so happy back to school season.
Speaker 1:And by happy.
Speaker 3:I mean, maybe it's not, yes, but perhaps it is. And either way, Maybe you survive, yes.
Speaker 2:But today we wanted to talk about parenting differences, but not like the big picture, parenting philosophy kind of stuff. Like you know, a lot of parents that we talk to or hear from you know they'll say you know we're on the same page about how we want to raise our kids, agree on like core values, discipline you know how we want to discipline our kids, what kind of opportunities they want their kids to have in life, yada, yada. All that kind of stuff.
Speaker 3:But um, which are, for the record, very important conversation stuff.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, but this is not the conversation we're having today. But this is not that we are having a different, very important conversation. If you wanted that other important conversation, we're not doing it.
Speaker 3:I think we've done some of those before. We definitely have some exercises to help couples through them. Reach out, we can help you with some of those things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but so what we're talking about today, or what we're focusing on, is that even in these couples where there's alignment, there are moments where one of you might feel strongly about saying no to something, while the other is fine with a yes.
Speaker 3:I think it's been coming up a lot individually, I mean, for each of us with our individual clients, is what I meant, but also it happened to us not too long ago the biggest fight we've had lately has been about something like this like so, like specific. And like wait a minute we actually agree on the outcome of this, but, like the-.
Speaker 2:Like what feels important to us and y'all, we're talking youth soccer. I know I've told people before and what we wanted to do like for our middle son, what we wanted that experience to be like for him, and well, I guess it was all of them.
Speaker 3:It was all of them. I'm like how are you focusing on that? Let's do it again right now.
Speaker 2:We both wanted the same thing, but we both felt different. Things were important in that conversation, and so we want to give you a case example, to kind of make this?
Speaker 2:concrete. Make it, yes, a little more concrete. I like that and then go from there. So we, we have Hunter and Ren and you know they'd say they're pretty aligned as parents and they don't usually argue about who's handling a meltdown or how to comfort their son if he's upset. You know that part feels pretty smooth. Where things get tense is around like simple things, for example, like bike riding. Here's something that they ran into.
Speaker 2:So Hunter says hey, wren, make sure Luca stays on the sidewalk while he's riding his bike. Wren and Luca were getting ready to go outside. Wren says Hunter, I'll make sure he's safe. I'm not taking my eyes off of him. It's not a big deal if he rides in the road a little. Anyway, the sidewalk gets crowded with other kids and people walking around. Sometimes it's just easier that way. Hunter, that doesn't matter. He needs to learn. The road isn't safe. He needs to stay on the sidewalk. Why would you risk him getting hurt, wren? I'm not putting him at risk. We'll be outside with the neighbors. There'll be plenty of visibility. Honestly, I resent you suggesting that I put him in danger. End of conversation. Wren goes outside.
Speaker 3:Hunter's it's definitely not the end of the conversation. It's just the end of the scenario right now.
Speaker 2:Right, and they might stop talking, but that's true they just might be like ah, you know, walk out of the house.
Speaker 3:Not the end of conflict, maybe the end of conversation. I see what you're saying.
Speaker 2:But the issue isn't really the sidewalk versus the road. It's about what feels safe, what feels risky and what makes each of them anxious.
Speaker 3:I really like that. I think now this particular example is very specific about risk and danger, which I actually think is helpful, because sometimes they feel a little less clear about like, how can you think that's danger, how can that feel risky to you? But I think that could be a helpful example, maybe for the future as well. But this one's like we're actually talking about some rules of safety.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But people interpret this differently and it can become a real problem.
Speaker 2:So I think one of the ways to approach a conversation like this, what happens is the partner who seems to care the most oftentimes can feel brushed aside and not engaged in the conversation, and there's where some of that conflict gets generated even more intensely, because there's like a continued elevation of like no, I need you to take this seriously.
Speaker 3:Sure Right. I mean. We say this phrase a lot like if you don't feel engaged, you will feel enraged. No finer example of that than our toddlers to demonstrate that for us. But it doesn't change in adulthood. If we don't feel like someone who loves us and is supposed to respect us and be a real partner in this. Is really validating and listening to like, oh whoa, this feels important to you. Tell me more, we will escalate, yep, yep, so what?
Speaker 1:do you In our specific ways.
Speaker 3:Yes, I think escalation looks different too, but go ahead.
Speaker 2:So what do you do? There is a real simple three-step process that you can keep in mind in situations like this, and it deals with the how, the what and the where. Deals with the how, the what and the where. The first question you can ask is how did this become important to my partner? And then, if you are feeling the energy and not feeling listened to by your partner for you to ask how did this become important to me, like what is shaping my level of conviction about this right now? The next thing is the what. What do you think your partner is seeing from you and how you're communicating? What is your partner's experience of you as you try to communicate? Why this matters? You've said this to me before the way you're communicating, you're too intense, and so it's really hard to hear anything that you're saying.
Speaker 3:This rings a bell.
Speaker 2:Yes, Okay, this rings a bell. So that's the what, the where, the where, being, where is the common ground that you and your partner can have.
Speaker 3:Yes, Are we going to go into each of these.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah yeah, so now we can go into them, but I just kind of wanted to lay out the the process. So what are your thoughts there in terms of.
Speaker 3:Okay, I didn't know if we were you seemed like you had some, so just go ahead, go ahead. Well, I think that this is why this matters, because if, um, I already forget which partner said which thing, like which hunter hunter was the no, ren was the yes.
Speaker 2:Okay, so already, if I'm hunter, I'm offended that I'm the no what I think I was the yes, okay.
Speaker 3:So already, if I'm Hunter, I'm offended that I'm the no. What I think I'm the yes to is the yes to safety, like let's be mindful and thoughtful here.
Speaker 3:So Hunter doesn't feel like a no. So I think that we can already sort of polarize one another. Like gosh Hunter, you're always looking for something to be scary or dangerous. Like we live on a cul-de-sac we have 17 of those. Like slow turtle signs on the street. Like no one's driving on this road fast. Like all the kids are doing circles. This is not reasonable, whatever Hunter can feel like, but Wren is always the no, like, no. We don't have rules. No, I don't trust that you're going to be paying attention to him. You're going to be talking to the other parents out there. Like no, whatever. I'm just saying that we can look at each other and say you're the problem.
Speaker 2:Right, and I think what happens you're talking about is both Hunter and Wren have gone to, in a sense, maybe the worst interpretation of one another. Sure, of one another. Ren might be thinking like why is there always got to be a rule for everything? Why are you always controlling the situation? It's not that big of a deal. You're such a fun spot. Those kinds of things.
Speaker 3:Well, I think what Ren is also perhaps saying is why are you always controlling me? I think these partners can start to feel controlled by the other person and that, hopefully, we're all going to be resistant to.
Speaker 2:And we'll be right back. Do you want to reconnect, communicate better and navigate parenting as true partners, not just roommates? Well, we offer private coaching for couples. Whether you're stuck in the same arguments, struggling to find time for each other or just feeling off, we offer practical tools that actually work for real parents. We also provide individual coaching for parents who want to show up more intentionally in their relationships, break old patterns or just feel more grounded in the middle of the chaos.
Speaker 2:What's one of the things that makes our work different? We coach couples as a couple. This allows couples to have more than one perspective on their concerns and meet with a couple that understands the reality of partnerhood in parenting. Whether you come as a couple or on your own, you don't have to do this alone. We're here to help. Head to our podcast description, our website CouplesCounselingForParentscom or our LinkedIn bio on Instagram and click the free consult link to schedule your free consult and get started today. And now back to the show. Yeah and then yeah. As you were saying, hunter assumes like you're putting our kid at risk. In a sense, implied in there is sort of this idea of like you're purposefully and willfully putting our kid at risk.
Speaker 3:Now to be clear I don't think we've ever had a client say that.
Speaker 2:Sure, but I think that's maybe the feel, I think it can be the feel.
Speaker 3:I think. What people do end up saying is you don't trust me.
Speaker 1:And they're like.
Speaker 3:You're right Largely I do, but in these specific situations, I mean honestly, stephen, you're right, and these largely I do. But in these specific situations I mean honestly, stephen, you've said that to me.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:When you are around a bunch of your friends. I have a friend who has a lake house. It's very nice. It's wonderful to get to go and be a guest there. But Stephen's like I don't want you being the only lookout on our kids around water and that breaks my heart. Like how dare you think that I could be so distracted by conversation with friends? But I get it Like that is.
Speaker 2:And that is also a representation of my heightened anxiety and getting the best of me, because you've never been a scenario where something like that has happened.
Speaker 3:No, no, I think I'm just imagining something too.
Speaker 2:So it's not entirely fair, but that's what all of these things are about.
Speaker 3:It is entirely fair. But that's what all of these things are about. It is entirely fair. We get to be concerned about the things we're concerned about, and that is something that is concerning to you. I also get to be like well, something about this feels important to you, like you are concerned that I will be so involved and engaged in conversation that I might forget.
Speaker 1:Like oh, that feels really hurtful to me.
Speaker 3:But like that's real to you, Like, oh, I have to engage you on that. I can't just say like you're being ridiculous, obviously. I will and move on or I will enrage you, and really what I'm enraging is the fear. Oh, I must get bigger. My fear must get bigger. You're not taking my fear seriously. Fears get bigger if not taken seriously.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so I think that that's the reason, like how did this become important? And you both, as partners, can do work to understand one another. Like okay, wow, hunter is having what I would say is like a really over-exaggerated response about this. Huh, that must mean there's something important.
Speaker 3:That's what you're saying. Ren should be alerting.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and if Hunter can be tuned enough to be like huh, that was a pretty big way that I communicated what's happening. Why is this so important to me?
Speaker 3:I like that because I don't think what we want to walk away with, and certainly don't want you all to walk away with, is if I've had a big reaction, oh, I should apologize. No, if you've had a big reaction, maybe you need to. Maybe it didn't come out like you meant, but the point of just noticing a big reaction is like so this must mean something.
Speaker 3:A big yes or a big no means something and I think, if that's the only thing, you walk away from this podcast like with your only takeaway that's a good takeaway.
Speaker 2:The next thing, the what is for both of you again to consider what is my partner seeing from me? So I think for Ren, what that might look like is what is Hunter seeing for me? That continues to escalate Generally. Here's just a general rule, general principle If you're in a conversation or relationship with someone and they continue to rise in their intensity, most likely what they're seeing from you is a level of dismissiveness, lack of engagement, lack of interest, whatever it might be, or the feeling that that's happening. Maybe you're not doing that, Maybe you are, but at least it feels like they're not taking me seriously.
Speaker 3:I think the word intensity, here too needs to be another big asterisk moment, because the way you demonstrate intensity and the way I demonstrate intensity could not be more opposite.
Speaker 2:A silent intensity. Yeah, you're going to withdraw Withdrawal intensity?
Speaker 3:yes, yeah and it might just be like, fine, and then you go away. Yep, I'm not going to be a fine and go away person. If I'm not feeling heard, I'm going to keep talking.
Speaker 2:You will vocalize yeah.
Speaker 3:And to be very clear too, intensity doesn't mean yelling, it doesn't mean anything. Obviously, we are not meaning bad, we are talking about when your nervous system takes over. Yeah, there's unhealthy and inappropriate ways to show.
Speaker 2:Yes, we are talking about healthy intensity here, always Right. So that idea of what is my partner seeing is important, because then I think Ren can ask himself that question like what is Hunter seeing from me? And then I think, in the same way, hunter, if Hunter is able to be attuned enough which I think can, a lot of times people are like oh, there's no way, if I'm activated can I be attuned. Well, I think if you practice being attuned while you're activated, you can, and Hunter's been working on it, trying to understand it. You know, maybe talking with Aaron and.
Speaker 2:Steven, you know, and Hunter could come to that place where he's like, okay, I'm feeling that Ren is not paying attention to me, what is he seeing from me that maybe is causing him to tune out or causing him to, you know, not engage me here, right? So I think that that's how the what question can be helpful, and it's kind of like whoever can get there first, great, try to try to do that.
Speaker 3:I think that. So I'm going to just try to like simplify this a little bit too In your what try to assume your partner's best, Like, oh, a little bit too In your what try to assume your partner's best, like oh, I wonder if they're afraid, I wonder if they're angry, I wonder if they're sad, I wonder if this is activating some part whatever.
Speaker 3:But like what might be some of the most base emotions they might be experiencing, that they're trying to express what might be some of the most base emotions I'm experiencing that I'm trying to express, like, what are we talking about? What are our emotions that aren't being felt, that we're trying to express without really understanding it?
Speaker 3:I mean, talk about conflict to connection, equation 101 here right Like you've got to know what you're trying to communicate before you start trying to communicate. But in real time it's just like a don't do that, no to the bike, but like oh what.
Speaker 2:What is going?
Speaker 3:on what is going on yeah.
Speaker 2:And then the next is the where. Where can you and your partner find common ground? Here's potentially what that where conversation after the how and what have been done can come into place. All right, I'll be Hunter, you be Wren. Got it All right. So, Hunter hey, Wren, I shouldn't have implied you'd put Luca at risk. I made it sound like you were doing it on purpose. The truth is him riding in the road just makes me really nervous.
Speaker 3:Wren says thanks for saying that, hunter. I was hurt when you said that. Help me understand what's feeling scary to you about this.
Speaker 2:Hunter I. You know, I think it goes back to when I was a kid. I almost got hit by a car riding in the street once. I was fine, but it really scared me and I guess I still think about that and I don't want something like that to happen to Luca.
Speaker 3:Okay, then Ren says that makes sense. I don't want you to feel anxious when I'm out there with him, I can keep him on the sidewalk. You to feel anxious when I'm out there with him? I can keep him on the sidewalk. But how about if we're in the Brody's cul-de-sac?
Speaker 2:It's contained and I could watch for cars. Hunter, yeah, that sounds good. I appreciate you working with me. I know I came in a little hot, but it does matter to me and I can live with that compromise. You have to find a yes for you both. Would you say that the partner who feels more strongly about the no do you have to lean a little more towards them Because, for example, ren, he doesn't feel as concerned about this. He didn't have that experience that Hunter did.
Speaker 3:So how I think that we typically talk to clients about this, certainly how we come to one another with moments like these, is understanding each other's risk assessments, because everybody has different things that sort of pique their concern. Yeah yours are certainly more around safety. Things like this, like you certainly would be more the hunter about a bike yeah and you would be definitely more the hunter, like I said about like around water and you would definitely be like some of these things. However, there are things where I'm like you cannot be serious right.
Speaker 2:I mean, yeah, like we when we go camping or hiking or skiing, like I have a completely different.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're like yes be free yeah climb cliffs and I'm like I yeah yeah um, but I think that that's always really helpful is bringing it back to like oh, I feel like this about that, because we all have things and maybe yours aren't physical. All every single example we just gave is a physical thing.
Speaker 2:Well, all those are are kind of it is around the topic of risk, but this could be around the topic of screen time which is also a topic of risk topic of like. Um you know, sometimes we hear uh partners talking about like, food, like diet, uh, you know um, those kinds of things this could be around. I'm at. A lot of couples have this conversation around school, like where kids go to school and and what that looks like. So it can be around anything, anything.
Speaker 3:Yes, and I think that that's the important thing, is to find like oh, yes, and then to be able to root it in a story. I think makes it make sense to your partner, because I think and I hope you all have been generous in how I explained I think water's a very sobering situation to be around too.
Speaker 3:I take very seriously my kids around water, but I wouldn't think to say it in the same way as you right um, but, but I think that we have to be able to say that too, like hey, remember, I know this is a threat I'm I'm very aware, and my friend who has the lake house her name also happens to be aaron she, they're very, very aware of this so like someone is wearing the rubber band and that means you're the person with eyes on the water and like but to make sure that you are addressing the threat, not saying like, how dare you question that?
Speaker 3:I don't take our kids' lives seriously? You're being ridiculous. Like, no, I take it seriously too. Oh, I see that.
Speaker 2:I remember that we've talked about. I know the story, I know why this matters to you?
Speaker 3:Oh, the bikes. Yes, exactly, it matters to me too, and, in a sense, what you're communicating, is it?
Speaker 2:matters to me too. This is how Right, and then from there and how I'm going to take it seriously. Right, and you've, in a sense, got the plan of action and how you're going to move forward.
Speaker 3:Or how. I don't take it seriously, but I can Sure I can be extra aware I can make our kids I mean, I don't know if any of you live in Denver you actually can't make your kids ride on sidewalks. Most of them are unrideable. Denver has the worst sidewalks in the area. We digress, but so that means we have to. Typically I mean not really anymore, but when our kids were little we would have to go to big parking lots because our kids on sidewalks in a way that felt safe to us Anyway.
Speaker 2:So I again.
Speaker 3:There's a lot of these issues of parenting difference around like silly, silly, and I put that in quotations because it's not silly to you, but it feels ridiculous to say these things out loud sometimes.
Speaker 2:And so if you find you and your partner having some thematic conversations around one of you feeling like you have a stronger no, or one of you feeling like you have a stronger no, or one of you feeling like you have a stronger yes, and kind of going back and forth, I think again that three-step process of how, what and where. How did this become important to my partner? How did this become important to me?
Speaker 3:I think the only thing I want to add to that and then I'll stop interrupting you but is even to be a yes and a no on that the how did this come to be? Rather than saying they're being a no to fun, no, they're being a yes to safety, like hey, I see, because we will fight all day long if we are feeling mischaracterized.
Speaker 2:Stop saying I don't want our kid to learn how to ride their bike.
Speaker 3:Stop saying I don't want them to be able to play with neighbors. Stop saying that what I want is to be seen as someone who's like I'm paying attention to what is best for our kid. Sorry, okay, go ahead.
Speaker 2:And then the what like. What is my partner seeing from me so that you can understand, like, am I being dismissive or am I being too so activated that my communication isn't clear? And then the where being, where can we find a place of common ground? And collaboration.
Speaker 2:And I think that if you can follow those three little steps, that it can help you begin to have a different conversation about these things that are really important and you can get out of that place of conflict and you can get into that place of connection. Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents. And remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.