Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
When Your Partner Isn't Pulling Their Weight
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Feeling like you're carrying the weight of parenting while your partner merely "helps out" when asked? This tension over unbalanced parenting responsibilities ranks among the most relationship-threatening conflicts couples face—often leading to questions about whether you've chosen the right partner.
Through the story of Sam and Leah, we explore a scenario that resonates with countless parents: Leah handles 80% of child-related tasks and 90% of the emotional labor while working full-time, while Sam consistently drops the ball on important events despite reminders. When Trevor's school performance becomes the latest casualty of this dynamic, the resulting argument reveals much deeper issues about parenting partnership.
We introduce a framework of three distinct parenting partner types that can transform how you understand your relationship struggles. Are you dealing with a "do nothing partner" who leaves everything to you, a "well-intentioned helper" who needs constant direction, or a "mutually overwhelmed partner partner" who genuinely tries to balance responsibilities but occasionally falters? Recognizing these patterns helps couples move beyond mischaracterization and defensiveness toward constructive solutions.
For overburdened partners, we provide actionable strategies to express frustration effectively, set clear boundaries, and make invisible labor visible. For non-default parents, we offer guidance on acknowledging your partner's valid concerns, setting aside defensiveness, and adopting the mindset that "there is no someone else"—if you see something needing attention, you are the resource to handle it.
The episode culminates with a model repair conversation and introduces our System Check for Parenting Partners tool—a practical resource for regularly evaluating and redistributing family responsibilities. Remember, successful co-parenting isn't about maintaining a perfect 50-50 split; it's about both partners taking responsibility, communicating openly, and ensuring neither feels consistently overburdened.
Ready to transform your parenting partnership? Download our System Check worksheet and start creating the balanced, supportive family dynamic you both deserve: https://couplescounselingforparents.kit.com/system_check_worksheet?_gl=1*wjhcmd*_gcl_au*NzM3MjEwNzE2LjE3NTYyMTAzMzIuMTI2ODI4NDA2NS4xNzU2MjEwMzM5LjE3NTYyMTE3OTE
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Here are our parents our dad, dr Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, erin Mitchell.
Speaker 2:Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and today we wanted to answer this question what do you do when you feel like your partner is not pulling their weight as a parent and a partner?
Speaker 3:So my favorite part of this episode is going to be towards the end. We're going to give you this is like a sneak peek teaser. I don't even mean for it to be, but there's some categories, because even in this question, it's when you feel like your partner is not pulling their weight. So, sometimes it is a perception issue. It really and truly is Sometimes it's not, and in this example today, this partner's not.
Speaker 3:This partner didn't, and so this is even the question is a little misleading, but we are going to address a little bit more about, like, some of the categories that really define some differences in these ways that I think are tremendously helpful.
Speaker 2:This is a really serious conversation because I mean we have couples who come to us all the time and I mean this is the kind of conversation where couples split up.
Speaker 1:Correct.
Speaker 2:Or start asking themselves the question like did I pick the right partner? So I mean, those are pretty intense, you know, conversations and things to be thinking.
Speaker 3:Correct. I think one of the posts that inspired this for us this week is I've had this post for a long time, but it continues to resonate, which is it's easier when you're not around what we hear very often is a story like this is a story like this.
Speaker 2:Sam and Leah are your typical working parents trying to balance the beautiful chaos that is parenting, working and trying to build a community where they have friends, their kids, feel safe and they enjoy life. Most days, they can get through the daily routine without a lot of conflict and tension between them, but every month there seems to be one big blow up moment, a moment when they say mean things, get frustrated with one another and walk away from each other, feeling miles apart, and the general theme for Leah is that she feels overworked and underpaid. She works full time and takes on about 80% of the kid related task and 90% of the emotional parts of being a parent, and the conflict might go something like this. So Leah says Sam, did you remember that Trevor has a school performance this Thursday? Sam, oh man, that's this week. Leah, yes, sam, that is this week, and Trevor has a speaking part that he's been talking about and practicing for weeks, sam, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that I just forgot it was this week, but why didn't you let me know sooner, leah?
Speaker 2:Sam, I did bring it up three weeks ago and put it in the calendar and ask you to remember to take off work in the morning so that you can be there. You said you would work it out, sam. Oh, I remember that now. I totally forgot. Work's been really busy. I can't take Thursday morning off. I have that big presentation for the board at work. Leah, sam, this is unbelievable. How could you forget and how could you not make this important?
Speaker 2:Trevor is so excited about this performance and you not being there is really going to hurt his feelings. Sam, I know I feel so bad. Well, I'll make it up to him. We'll just do something really fun this weekend as a celebration for his performance. Just make sure to video it and I'll watch it with him when I get home Thursday, and then he and I will go have some special time this weekend. Leah, are you kidding me Somehow? Because you can't see fit to plan ahead and be at Trevor's performance. You want me to video it and then act like you're doing something special with him. This weekend is so amazing. How about I go to the performance because I took work off? I'll deal with Trevor being heartbroken You're not there and try and not make you sound like the thoughtless, selfish dad you are, and then Trevor and I will go have some special time this weekend to celebrate his performance, because I am the parent who showed up this one's tough. Those are some intense words from Leah, but not necessarily wrong words.
Speaker 3:right, the thoughtless, selfish dad part Name calling is never particularly productive. But this is what happens. Right, the thoughtless, selfish dad part Name calling's never particularly productive.
Speaker 2:But this is what happens, right. Sure Harsh things get said. Is Sam a thoughtless, selfish dad on the norm? No, but it gets expanded on and gets said here to hurt.
Speaker 3:Sure, because it's a hurtful thing that happened, yeah, and a preventably hurtful thing that happened. Sure, because it's a hurtful thing that happened, yeah, and a preventably hurtful thing that happened. The other thing I wanted to say and this is back a little meta you said like this is like something that happens about once a month. It is a very common thing that we find where couples say like kind of that exact thing. It isn't always a month, you know the time but like we're kind of steady and then like something happens but, like, and there is some sort of a rhythm or cadence to it.
Speaker 3:So I think that that's actually a really important thing. When you said that, I just wanted to make sure to come back and say, like, pay attention, start to try to find those themes, those trends like what is this like for you?
Speaker 2:And so one of the things that we think is helpful in having this conversation is you need, on some level, like a rubric for defining what kind of partner relationship you have. So, for example, leah needs some categories to be able to think about Sam, like is he this kind of partner? Like, what am I really talking about? Is the point of frustration? And Sam really needs some categories to look at himself and say what kind of partner am I?
Speaker 3:And so- Specifically parenting, partner.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, parenting partner, and so we think that these three categories can be useful. Yes, the first category is what we refer to as the do nothing partner, we refer to as the do nothing partner, and this is a partner that does not see parenting or being involved with parenting responsibilities as their role. Everything is left to the other partner. On purpose.
Speaker 3:I would put the on purpose in asterisks. I think that they would perhaps say, like that's just, this is how we have divided up our system, or something like that. I don't think it has to be like I leave things to them on purpose. It's like, no, I'm doing other things on purpose, right.
Speaker 2:So it's the do nothing referring to parenting specifically. And, you know, maybe that's a dynamic that partners have navigated and they're fine with, but you need to be able to think about this Like who am I? What kind of partner do I have? What kind of partner am I so? The next category is the well-intentioned helper partner, and this is a present and engaged partner who wants to be a good parent. They still look to their partner, though, to tell them what to do or how to do things related to parenting.
Speaker 3:They don't take initiative or do the invisible labor side of parenting, but they do what they are asked. Yes, I think that this is a really common one. We see I am helping. Tell me what else. I'm happy to do anything else. Just tell me exactly what you want. Yes, yes, and that can be exhausting for both people.
Speaker 2:Right, right, but that is a mutually defeating interaction. And then the third category is the mutually overwhelmed partner. Partner and this is someone they get it. They see the imbalance that often takes place between a default, non-default parent and they actively work to shift the imbalance. They're working hard in all areas of life, just like you. They feel overwhelmed and at times they do drop the ball or forget that the imbalance exists. But if you know how to talk about it, you're able to talk about it as a couple in reset.
Speaker 3:Correct. I think the important part on like why we felt the need to say they sometimes drop the ball or forget is because sometimes we all forgot. Sometimes, we all make mistakes. We are not perfect people, and so I think sometimes, when there is a mistake made, it can feel like oh, maybe you're not.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:Or maybe I'm not, or, and we can do a little bit of polarizing. So I think it's really important Everyone's going to make mistakes sometimes, but if we can acknowledge like oh, I dropped the ball, I totally forgot I wasn't working against the imbalance, I see it, I come back, I reset the point of having some really clear vocab words. We see this over and over and over again. Typically, what couples are fighting about in unresolved conflict is people feel mischaracterized and we will, as partners, fight our partner if we feel like we are being lumped into a category that isn't fair. Even if we've made a mistake, even if we're willing to say I am sorry for that, but don't say I'm a do-nothing partner. If I'm a helper partner, don't say I'm a helper partner. If I'm a real partner partner, I'm willing to acknowledge this. Whatever, we can be broad strokes when we're upset and we can mischaracterize and we can feel mischaracterized all these things. So I think it's really, really helpful to be honest with yourselves and we'll be right back.
Speaker 2:Hey, we want to remind you that conflict isn't the enemy of a healthy relationship. It's actually the path to deeper connection.
Speaker 3:And that's exactly what we explore in our book. Too Tired to Fight. In the book, we break down the 13 essential conflicts that every couple needs to have to keep their relationship strong. We guide you through each one, showing you how to move from feeling stuck in endless arguments to using those moments as a chance to connect and grow stronger together.
Speaker 2:Whether you're struggling with feeling like the default parent navigating in-laws, or just trying to be understood by your partner, Too Tired to Fight, gives you the tools to turn those pain points into connection points.
Speaker 3:If you want to dive deeper into what we've been discussing on the podcast, the book is a great companion. It's filled with real-life examples, practical strategies and step-by-step guidance on how to have those essential conflicts without feeling like banging your head against the wall with the same fight over and over.
Speaker 2:So if you're ready to stop fighting and start connecting, you can grab your copy of Too Tired to Fight on our website, amazon or wherever you get books. And remember every conflict is just an opportunity waiting to be turned into connection. And now back to the show. Yeah, so you know. Think about it. If you're the Leah and the relationship, think about what kind of partner you feel like you have on trend.
Speaker 3:Um, you know, to be clear, is the default parent.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:Leah is the one who, when Sam says to her why didn't you remind me? Oh, my gosh, my whole body just dropped like blah. Well, I don't know, because it's not my job. Right, get the email.
Speaker 2:Right. So what kind of partner do you have if you're the Leah in the relationship and if you're the Sam in the relationship, like, be honest about, about who you are and how you see yourself.
Speaker 3:And then have an honest conversation about what our relationship needs.
Speaker 2:Well, so that's what we're so, okay. So what do you do? So you have these categories and you know, if you are Leah, what do you do? And I think just some practical steps is express your frustration. Some practical steps is express your frustration. Leah is allowed to express the frustration that she had with Sam. Like, you don't have to swallow that, you don't have to not say that.
Speaker 3:And, to be honest, the reason we typically see some sort of a timeline like it's every four weeks, it's every six weeks, it's every 10 weeks, whatever you, whatever your, is typically Leah's not less frustrated. There's just a tipping point to like. I've been trying to be patient, I know you're trying, I know it was a busy week. I was trying to make all these sort of mental accommodations for this, but I'm not anymore. This is one step before or now. You've heard our kids. So, yes, to speak to the frustration, and yes, every time.
Speaker 2:And then ask for more, define what more is specifically and clearly, and then you set a boundary about if that is not met or not. So, for example, it could be something like hey, I need you to take over meal planning and prep for dinner for two weeks out of the month. I'm not going to plan dinner these two weeks, and then you know what, if it doesn't get done, then you might have to eat out, or you know what. Your partner will have to step up and do something to figure it out, but you aren't the one doing that, or it could be. I need you to start folding all the clothes. If it doesn't get done, then you can fold your clothes and the kids clothes, if that's more helpful. But your partner's clothes, like they get, they stay wherever the unfolded clothes stay. And that's our couch in the basement, yes, piled up mountain high. This isn't to be vindictive, right, but this is just simply to communicate to your partner. I need more from you. I'm not going to continue to overextend myself.
Speaker 3:Correct, because that is typically what the pattern is I'm overextended, I'm overextended, I'm overextended, I break, and that is often the pattern and that's not fair to anybody. That feels terrible. It is really no wonder that this really does become a relationship breaking thing and they feel small. This feels like this is ridiculous. You can't really be upset about that sock or that dish or this performance, but it's all the things Correct, exactly, stacking up.
Speaker 2:And so I again here I want to be very clear. We're not trying to be vindictive or mean, but we're trying to be clear about what the ask is, and then clear also about I'm stopping Right and so if I stop, this is what that looks like.
Speaker 3:Because the reality is, people don't see it until it stops.
Speaker 3:Yes, is people don't see it until it stops, and so I love that. You said this isn't to be vindictive, but it is one thing to say I feel like I'm doing a lot and it is another thing to show what all is happening and for that partner to really see the weight of that. The two things that speak to me about our dynamic in this and I'll be brief on this is one with all the sports. We have three kids and they're all heavily in sports and I said at one point you know soccer and steven's like, yes, I'm familiar with soccer. I'm like I cannot do soccer. Soccer is you. I will continue to do these other. You know this, that and the other that I feel really like I want to be doing those.
Speaker 3:You seem really involved in soccer, complete, and I don't get any emails like that. I'm just not in that world and I I cannot tell you how much I love that and every once in a while I'm I'm invited to come back into that world. Someone will say like, hey, I didn't. I noticed you're not on the app. That is on purpose and I'm not going to be. I do. I do not want those emails, um, but thank you so much for noticing whatever you know. You can be nice about it. And and then the other one is dinner. At one point I said like it bothers me when the kids ask me what's for dinner.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I don't know any more than anybody else and I don't want to be the point person on that, and so Stephen has really tried when that, even when you know our kids, I mean, we say this to them too. But like to take over and be like, yeah, that's a great. And to initiate a plan, yeah, like huh. What should I think? And guess what? I know how to cook.
Speaker 2:I have some ideas, those kinds of things.
Speaker 3:But those are the two things that really stood out to me as us making a really big, helpful change in a way that was meaningful.
Speaker 2:And it can feel tension-filled in a sense, because that stopping it does invite. Someone needs to do something to fill this space, and that is an invitation to your partner to fill that space, and you know that, doesn't. You know there has to be some navigating of that, but I think that this is a good path for Leah.
Speaker 3:Well, no question, these conversations are never like oh we had that once, so it's over, so we solved it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but if you're Sam, what do you do?
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I think, for all the Sams in the world and I would be a Sam in the world this is definitely things that we have had to navigate before. Sam has to set aside his defensiveness and listen to his partner, and I think that the tendency here is you know, he has this conversation with Leah. Hey, don't you know? Don't put that on me. You know there's some reason that this happened.
Speaker 2:You know it's a good reason, you know, oh, you called me a thoughtless, selfish dad. That's not true. You know that is a route Sam could go, but Leah is valid in her frustration and what she's really asking for is Sam to acknowledge something that she experiences as very true. And Sam needs to acknowledge that. Sam has to acknowledge what is true and that requires him to set aside his defensiveness.
Speaker 3:And take responsibility for how that costs Leah and their kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, he forgot a performance. Trevor's going to be upset. Leah is going to have to deal with it. Because she's the person there I mean right that that's that is true and he asked he can't be defensive about that. He has to acknowledge that it's true.
Speaker 2:Then I think the second thing that Sam needs to do is become active in parenting life. Right, and I think a great question, a great rubric for anyone who is that non-default parent is this Don't say someone else has that covered or will figure that out. When it comes to parenting, there is no someone else, there is only you. And if you think about yourself, as I am the resource here to figure out lunches, to figure out schedules, to figure out social events, to figure out new shoe sizes, new water bottles, what size soccer ball we use this season.
Speaker 2:Yeah, communicating with the PTA, whatever it might be. If I am that resource, then I'm the one who needs to step forward and do something, and that is how you can be active in parenting life.
Speaker 3:This has become very apparent. We have three kids ourselves and I have been trying to say this to my kids because I want them to grow up and be parents who think this way. So you know, it's little things but like a kid will walk by like a piece of paper or trash on the floor and I'll be like I mean, I think you saw that right. Yeah, and you walking by that, what are you communicating to the rest of us? Like nothing, yes, you are. You are communicating very clearly that you walking by that paper, that someone else is going to pick it up, that's you. If you see it, it's on you. Like, take action, Don't assume there's someone else who will see it and pick it up. And I think just pointing that out over and over for me has been this very helpful thing. I think these things all the time. I think you have really come into our parenting life to be like I'm not if I don't do this, Aaron is that's?
Speaker 3:not fair Like. So it's me, it's me, it's me, it's me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, but there's a learning curve to that because, if I'm really honest, that is not how I thought about these things.
Speaker 3:Well, that's how default and non-default came to be right Like if you are not taking that, then it will fall to the default.
Speaker 2:the union is within parenting life and within the couple relationship as it pertains to like, how do you feel like we're doing with parenting and balancing these things? And you know, honestly, I was thinking about this. We have this system check for parenting partners, so it's a weekly or a bi-weekly assessment that you can go through with your partner to evaluate who's doing what do we need to think about this and realign and redistribute what these things are, and so it's a great tool to have like a weekly meeting or again, a bi-weekly meeting with your partner to say hey this is important.
Speaker 2:Hey, this is part of how I can be an active person in parenting, and so I will put a link to that in the podcast description, because you need something like that.
Speaker 3:Agreed Absolutely, and I think that the reason this matters and we say this all the time that you need a plan and you need to commit to sticking to the plan and there must be flexibility. Sometimes someone's work really is such that, like it is impossible for me to make dinner this week, so that is setting everyone up for failure and being realistic about like, hey, I've got you. We have never. No, we have never. We have yet to meet with a couple who's completely rigid about like no, we want 50-50 all the time every day.
Speaker 3:Like no we all.
Speaker 2:It's kind of hard yeah.
Speaker 3:Well, that's impossible. We all have lives that can't allow for that. But when we're open in dialogue about that, I'm happy to take that on. I'm happy to say like, oh yeah, no big deal, I've got you, because I know you get that. That is a cost to me and I know you are taking responsibility for it, even if you're not apologizing for it. It's like, yeah, I know that's going to cost you, but thanks so much, you got that, yeah.
Speaker 2:And you have to evaluate your system. We were, you know.
Speaker 3:We just had to redo it. That's right.
Speaker 2:Like we have just had to redo our whole system and it's really important that we check in at the end of each week and be like hey, did that work the way we thought it was going to?
Speaker 3:work, yeah, and what didn't Is anybody feeling overloaded here or overburdened.
Speaker 2:What do we need to do? And so that system check worksheet that we have for parenting partners is a great resource. Again, I'll put it in the description and you can use it and hopefully it'll change your life description and you can use it and hopefully it'll change your life. But so what would a repair conversation look like between Sam and Leah to try and address these things and get headed in this direction?
Speaker 3:You may be Leah. Yeah, you be Leah. Leah says Sam, I'm really frustrated with you and with you not prioritizing Trevor's performance. I need you to understand how serious I am about this kind of interaction between us looking different.
Speaker 2:Sam, look, leah. I don't like fighting like that either. I messed up for sure. I forgot Trevor's performance. I get it.
Speaker 3:Leah says but Sam, I'm not just talking about Trevor's performance. Yes, Trevor's performance, but why am I the one who had to be responsible for trying to make sure you plan for your kids' performance? Why am I the one that has to do with the emotional fallout of you not being there rather than just getting to enjoy a really special occasion with Trevor? Why are you not aware of his life and schedule?
Speaker 2:Sam Leah, come on, it's not that serious. You're on all the emails. Your work schedule is a little more flexible than mine. It just kind of works out that way.
Speaker 3:Leah says Sam, I'm telling you very directly that I'm not okay with it just working out that way. I am not going to keep keeping you up with what's happening with the kids and just doing what needs to be done because it just works out that way. It falls on me.
Speaker 2:Sam Okay, what are you saying then?
Speaker 3:Leah says. I am saying that we need to sit down and go through what we're both doing as parents and make sure nothing is just falling to one of us, but that we're purposefully choosing what we each need to be doing and that I am no longer the parent coordinator.
Speaker 2:Sam, okay, I don't think I see it as you're doing mountains more work than me when it comes to parenting, but it would be good to sit down and go through it all. Maybe I'm thinking I do more than I do, or maybe I don't get how much you do, or maybe you're misunderstanding all that I do. Honestly, I don't really know and it seems, as you've said, it's really important to you, so let's do it.
Speaker 3:Lisa's great. I've marked some time off on the calendar for us to sit down this weekend and go through it all.
Speaker 2:Sam, I will make sure not to miss it, like I miss Trevor's performance Now. I think that that is not a neat and tidy conversation. What we are trying to present here is a way to begin the process of shifting this dynamic in your parenting partner relationship in a constructive manner.
Speaker 3:Right. This has got to be one of the most easily and most commonly mis-had.
Speaker 2:Yes, mis-had, that's what I was actually thinking.
Speaker 3:Mis-had conflicts, Like it just goes wrong so easily and stays stuck there so often. So, I think that this is just a very frustrating conversation. People feel mischaracterized, people feel misunderstood and people are not okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:The Leahs in this world, the default parents who feel like they're trying to say that something is wrong, like I need help, I need, I need you to earn, not help. I need partnership in this.
Speaker 1:And then honestly.
Speaker 3:there are parents who are partners who've worked it out, where they are looking more for that just helper thing and that works for them. There's not a one size fits all, but there is a.
Speaker 2:if your partner says it's not working, it's not working one size fits all, but there is a if your partner says it's not working, it's not working and that's that is the key. And so if you need to have this conversation with your partner, sit down with them, go through this podcast with them, talk about the categories, listen to this script that Leah and Sam have had and see how you can replicate it in your language, in your relationship, and then also again, I'll put that link for our system checklist and use that. Go through the exercise and have a resolution to this conversation, not an ongoing conflict. Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents, and remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.