Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
The Ick Factor: When Your Partner Suddenly Feels Gross
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That moment when your partner's chewing suddenly sounds like nails on a chalkboard. When their touch makes you cringe instead of melt. When even their kindest gestures somehow feel... gross. Welcome to "the ick" – that mysterious feeling of sudden repulsion that can leave you questioning your entire relationship.
On this revealing episode, we dive deep into this common but rarely discussed phenomenon, exploring how it frequently surfaces in parent relationships and what it's really telling us. Through our fictional case study of Mel and Vivian, we unpack how "the ick" often emerges when one partner feels overwhelmed by responsibilities while the other seems oblivious to their burden.
Many parents silently suffer with thoughts like "I'm the one holding everything together" or "They want my attention but don't see how overwhelmed I am." These feelings stack up over time, creating a growing sense of resentment that manifests as physical and emotional aversion. What's particularly challenging is finding a way to express these feelings without hurting your partner or damaging your connection further.
We offer a practical three-step approach to addressing this relationship challenge: First, acknowledging and expressing your feelings honestly; second, listening for the truth in your partner's experience without defensiveness; and third, actively shifting the dynamics that led to the disconnection. This might mean redistributing household responsibilities, but more importantly, it requires a deeper form of engagement – becoming truly curious about your partner's experience and connecting in ways that feel meaningful to them.
Through personal examples and thoughtful dialogue, we demonstrate that "the ick" isn't a relationship death sentence – it's a signal that something needs attention. By approaching this uncomfortable feeling with curiosity rather than judgment, couples can use it as a catalyst for positive change and deeper connection.
Ready to transform those icky feelings into opportunities for growth? Listen now and discover how honest communication can help you navigate one of the most challenging but common experiences in long-term relationships. Your partnership doesn't have to end because of "the ick" – in fact, addressing it might be exactly what brings you closer together.
Want help talking about the "ick" in your relationship? Reach out to do individual or couple coaching with Erin and Stephen. Schedule your free consult here: https://calendly.com/ccfp/meet-the-mitchells
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Here are our parents our dad, dr Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, erin Mitchell.
Speaker 2:Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and on today's episode we wanted to talk about what happens when you are a partner who feels the ick I'm really excited about today.
Speaker 3:Recently I have been experiencing the ick which is how it came up as a topic because I was talking with a group of friends about it, and they could not get over the fact that Steven and I were also openly discussing my feelings of the ick, and so we thought like, oh, we can talk about how we talk about this.
Speaker 2:To kind of give this a little more clarity, we want to read you this case example Mel and Vivian. They're in a rut and they can't exactly put their finger on when it started, but over the past few months. They're in a rut and they can't exactly put their finger on when it started, but over the past few months they've felt increasingly distant, disconnected. Both work full time and you know both would admit that Mel takes care of the bulk of the kid related responsibilities, including having carried both pregnancies. So recently they decided to sit down with us to talk through what's been happening, in hopes of finding their way back to feeling close again. And so here's a piece of that conversation, that fictional conversation that we are having with Mel and Vivian. So hey, mel and Vivian, what would you say brought you here today, mel? Honestly, I feel a little weird saying this and I worry Vivian might take it the wrong way, but I just kind of have the ick right now.
Speaker 3:I'll be Vivian the ick Like from that show. Nobody Wants this.
Speaker 2:Mel. Yeah, exactly, stephen. Okay, someone's got to help me out. What do you mean by the ick? Okay, someone's got to help me out. What do you mean by the ick, mel? It's like I feel turned off by Vivian. Everything she does kind of gets under my skin. It's not that I don't care about her, but right now I just feel annoyed, even grossed out, and I feel bad admitting that, but it's the truth.
Speaker 3:Then I say, Vivian, did you know Mel was feeling this way? Vivian then says, well, not in those words, but it does feel sometimes like she just wants me to stay away from her. I say, Mel, can you say more about what's behind the ick?
Speaker 2:Mel. Well, I think I've just been really overwhelmed. Work is stressful, the kids have so much going on and I feel like I'm juggling everything and, honestly, sometimes our relationship just feels like one more thing I have to manage.
Speaker 3:Vivian says wait, you have to manage our relationship.
Speaker 2:Mel, yeah, I'm usually the one who initiates. I ask if you want to take a walk. I say I miss you and I want to spend time with you. I plan date nights. I'm the one who keeps us connected.
Speaker 3:Vivian, I don't think that's always true. Yesterday I asked you if you wanted to grab coffee. You said no.
Speaker 2:Mel, true, you did ask yesterday, but typically you don't initiate. You're up for connection if I bring it up, but you rarely pursue me. Then I say so, mel. How does this connect back to the ick feeling, mel? It's like I'm working so hard to hold everything together. I feel like if I stopped trying, our whole family would just fall apart. Meanwhile, vivian's just living her life and the more that dynamic plays out, the less I want to be close to her. It feels unfair, like she's taking advantage of me Scene.
Speaker 2:This is the ick, and I think that there's a few ways we see it presented yeah like a few key phrases or a few key beliefs that a partner like Mel, who's feeling the ick, might be having, and phrases like I'm the one holding it all together. If I stopped caring, would my partner even notice? They feel selfish, entitled, like I'm carrying everyone while they just coast. They want my attention, but don't see how overwhelmed I am.
Speaker 3:I think, and we talked, stephen and I've talked a lot about this, so those are not all four things people say. Those are four different versions of things people say, and the thing I hear most often is that last one, though. They want my partner with my attention, but they don't see how overwhelmed I am. So, like you know, I'll be talking with a client or a friend who will say something along the lines of like I uh, planned dinner, made dinner, cleaned up, dinner, entertained our kids partner was kind of like vaguely checked in or out throughout dinner, kind of disengaged, you know that kind of thing. We finally get the kids to bed and then they're like hey, and, like you know, give the sort of nighttime eyes. Is that the?
Speaker 3:pg way of saying that on a podcast, sure, um, and it's like are you out of your mind? Like I could not have more, like, ugh, ick feelings about you, like, basically, how dare you? And that stacks up that feeling over time.
Speaker 2:And we'll be right back. Do you want to reconnect, communicate better and navigate parenting as true partners, not just roommates? Well, we offer private coaching for couples. Whether you're stuck in the same arguments, struggling to find time for each other or just feeling off, we offer practical tools that actually work for real parents. We also provide individual coaching for parents who want to show up more intentionally in their relationships, break old patterns or just feel more grounded in the middle of the chaos. What's one of the things that makes our work different? We coach couples as a couple. This allows couples to have more than one perspective on their concerns and meet with a couple that understands the reality of partnerhood in parenting. Whether you come as a couple or on your own, you don't have to do this alone. We're here to help. Head to our podcast description, our website CouplesCounselingForParentscom or our LinkedIn bio on Instagram and click the free consult link to schedule your free consult and get started today. And now back to the show.
Speaker 3:These are really big things to say they are profound.
Speaker 3:We are afraid to say I mean talk about like just straight up vulnerability and intimacy. We aren't looking to hurt our partner's feelings, like this past month when I was just like feeling the ick with you. I knew I we've said it in the podcast basically every week this month I have been sick, I've had terrible allergies. School started. There just has been this stack up of things I feel like I'm trying to work through and basically it really didn't matter what you did. It annoyed me. How could you, how dare you but I have known very I can pinpoint. Oh, I haven't been feeling well. I feel like what I kept saying is we're just like every man for himself out there, like you're taking care of the kids basically in every possible way, because I'm not and everything else.
Speaker 3:But like hello, I'm here and you're like but you don't want my attention. I'm like no, I don't, but I don't like you not giving it to me either.
Speaker 1:It is.
Speaker 2:It can feel like a big lose, lose. Well, yeah, but I think a little bit about this dynamic is there is a reality to Mel's experience where she is doing the lion's share of things. She is working full time, she is carrying the lion's share of work for, yeah, the kids and stuff, and and there is an imbalance. There is this like don't, if you want my attention, if you want my engagement, like you know, meet me here where I am, recognize what I'm doing, recognize why I might be feeling the way I'm feeling, like, acknowledge what I am doing, not in a sense to say you're not doing anything, but in a sense to say, like Vivian, I'd like to hear that you see what's happening and when you come to me and you're, just like you know, acting like I'm not overwhelmed or I'm not overburdened and you want to be close to me, that that actually makes me feel further from you, because it makes me feel like you don't know me.
Speaker 3:I think, because it doesn't have to sound one particular way. You know, the case study is not going to match for everybody. I think I think the start question has to be what? Like finding? Before we even bring it up with our partners. Like finding that thread back to like what started this? Like where is this rooted? What's the beginning? Because a hundred micro things can happen in a day that stack up.
Speaker 3:They contribute to like oh, and this does come from that tv show and I think what's hilarious about the tv show is like one of the icky things this guy did was like bring flowers, like it's a, that's a nice thing he was trying to be thoughtful, but it's just like, oh, and they were too big and they were wrong. And that's the point, I think, is that it can be anything. They can start to feel like the ick, we're like you, you're missing, you're missing it.
Speaker 2:You don't get the point. Yeah, the feeling is already there, and so all the little things begin to feel icky, stack up.
Speaker 3:That's right. That's right. They're all filtered now through the ick.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And so I think that if you think about what do you do if you're feeling this way, if this has ever shown up in your relationship, what do you do? I think the first step is, if you're the partner, if you're Mel or if you're Aaron, if you're feeling the ick, you need to say something. And I think a lot of times again, just like Mel was feeling and I think maybe how you're feeling too, Aaron, you're like I don't know how to say this. It sounds harsh, it sounds mean. Maybe I don't want to say it and I'll just be really mad and just sort of blow up on you. I don't know what to do, and so, instead of saying something, you kind of hold on to it. But that is kind of where, when you, when there's silence around this, then there's just ever growing resentment around it.
Speaker 3:Correct, 100% yes to that. I think that even the saying to something like we in our book, you know the conflict of connection equation, that first step of that checking in with yourself like before.
Speaker 3:I say something to Steven, I have to even be willing to say something to myself, like acknowledging my own feelings and validating like okay, this is confusing, I know, I know I don't feel it for Steven, but I am feeling it for Steven. So, like where what needs to be addressed here and being honest first with self and and allowing that to be true. Yeah, I think that that's a really hard step, even before saying something to you, and and I think it usually goes around.
Speaker 2:I don't feel my partner is initiating connection with me. I disagree with that, but this is what I mean by it.
Speaker 3:I don't feel my partner is initiating connection with me. I disagree with that, but this is what I mean by it. I totally disagree.
Speaker 2:Go ahead, but this is what I mean by it in terms of again, it's that idea of I don't feel like you're aware of my experience and paying attention to it. And if you were in talking to me about it and checking in with me about it, that would be initiating connection and being like hey, I see you, I see what's happening, I see how you might be feeling. And when a partner isn't feeling that, that begins to develop that that idea of like I don't feel like you're seeing me, I don't feel like you're understanding me.
Speaker 3:So I do kind of agree with that. So I take it back.
Speaker 2:With the nuanced description.
Speaker 3:That's right, because I don't think it's a lack of initiation. In fact, sometimes I think, in this ick thing, it is initiation itself that feels icky, like, stop, stop, like, no, I don't want to go on a walk with you, no, I don't want more time with you, no, I don't, no. But what I want is for you to know me, to see me, to like, understand me, and I think I, so I think what you're saying I actually ultimately do agree with but I don't think it's about like you're not asking for my attention enough.
Speaker 3:I think it's like stop asking for my attention.
Speaker 2:To. This is the hard part for the Vivians, the Stevens, the hard thing that your partner is saying to you. You have to look for the truth in your partner's words even if it stings.
Speaker 3:I think the truth in their experience of their words.
Speaker 2:Right, you have to ask is there a kernel of truth here in terms of what about them sharing their experience? Like what could feel true, like like when what Mel was saying to Vivian there was there was truth in it. She's sitting there saying I am doing all of these things and sometimes it feels like you are completely unaware of it and benefiting from everything that I'm doing, and then just want my attention.
Speaker 2:And then just what? Yeah, like there's truth in that, and Vivian has to be willing to look for the truth in what her partner says, even though there's hard words that might be difficult to hear.
Speaker 3:So I think I like, I like that. I think the way I would nuance what this step two is is because all of your partner's words are true. They may not feel true to you, but there is something about themselves they're trying to express to you.
Speaker 3:And I think we've talked about this over and over. I mean, that's the first step for the person who's trying to communicate the thing, the Mel, like she needs to to think about what she's trying to say. So she has a good chance of being heard. But also, even if she's not perfect in her expression, Vivian's job is what is Mel trying to tell me about herself right here? So it's coming out because she even said like it's a little gross. That is such a common way. People describe this Like it feels gross.
Speaker 2:I mean it my partner feels kind of gross.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they're kind of gross, like gosh, you seem needier, you, you seem needy or you seem just kind of yuck Like it's. It was the perfect word.
Speaker 2:I thought that whoever wrote that was like they have been in a relationship, and so there has to be an expression of what's happening. There has to be the capacity for the partner to hear it the Vivians?
Speaker 3:Yes, well, to listen to what Mel is trying to say, right?
Speaker 2:Yes, and then I think, for this step three, there has to be an effort to shift the dynamic, and I think there's two parts to this. I think it's this idea of shift, shifting from disengaged to engage. So, like practically speaking, just logistically speaking, if we're talking about Mel and Vivian, is there anything that just needs to change about their life so that Vivian is more engaged with the practical day-to-day experience of their family?
Speaker 3:The reality of this is is that for parenting partners which is probably who's listening to the Couples Counseling for Parents podcast is that is the most common thing that initiates the ick in this season of relationship is I'm doing everything, you're super fine with that and you want my attention? Sure, let me give you a hug, like no, that's ick, like yuck.
Speaker 2:How, how, again, how dare you and so, practically, you need to evaluate your system, does Vivian? And it seems like she does need to begin to take on some more, maybe, maybe, and that looks like like hey, you need to start handling dinner. Hey, we need to reevaluate how we do school drop-offs. Hey, we need to look at who's scheduling all of our social activities and who's doing the sports stuff. Like we need to get some balance and that's what which engaging rather than being disengaged, would look like.
Speaker 3:And that's a mutual conversation. Mel needs to initiate that too. Mel doesn't want to feel the ick. Mel is the one who's like, hey, I want to talk about this. So what would a shift look like here? And it doesn't need to be 50-50. It doesn't have to be like, okay, so we just whatever it has to be what works for Mel and Vivian which is not the same thing. That's going to work for Steven and Aaron.
Speaker 1:Right right.
Speaker 2:But, no one will know unless they talk about it. Other aspect of this is moving from being the reactor to someone who is the pursuer. There's some real nuance here, as we've discussed, but I think what that looks like is. You know, mel was expressing I feel like in some ways, I'm even responsible to manage our relationship.
Speaker 3:The pursuer doesn't have to mean pursuing touch or closeness or connection in the ways that are important to the Vivians. They have to be important to the Mels.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:So, and the Mels I mean? This comes back to attachment, and I'm not trying to like throw so many ideas at you at once. It all gets muddled, but there isn't a one size fits all for what the Mels and the Aaron's are looking for in this Right. So you have to ask, you have to know, and I think the universal thing is which would feel like pursuit. Correct If you're like hey like the universal part of pursuit I think is being known. Yes.
Speaker 2:And the universal part of communicating pursuit to your partner is being curious and saying I want to connect with you. I want to connect with you and pursue you in a way that feels good for you, not just in the ways that you know, feel natural or feel good for me. What like would it? Would this feel helpful? Would? This feel like pursuit. Again, that's what pursuing is, rather than just sitting back and kind of like you know saying it's.
Speaker 3:It just seems like they want some space which sometimes is fine, but I think it can also be nice to say I mean, that's what I ultimately said to you Like I did want space. I needed to like go and be sick and not have anybody anyone near me at all. But like I really liked when Stephen finally was like hey, it seems like you want space. Am I reading? Yes, thank you, and thank you for noticing that and thank you for saying that. And could I have been the one to say that? Yes, but was I also like really functioning?
Speaker 2:Not really. But also the way I defined you want space is different than how you defined it. So like even in the in, in that like for me, I'm like okay, you want space. So that maybe means we just don't like I don't really interact with you too much in the day and and, but you're like no, it just I. I still want you to interact with me and and check in with me.
Speaker 3:I just want you to know that quietly here to be my coffee right.
Speaker 2:like I might not like. If I don't respond exactly like you think I would, or should, or in a equally enthusiastic way, it's because these things are going on, but that's what I mean by space. I still want you to, you know, interact with me, but also just be able to read my response a little bit better.
Speaker 3:I think that that is. That's it, I think. I think that the solution is in the problem itself, I think, which is, if you have the ick, there's nothing wrong with you If your partner has the ick there is nothing wrong with you.
Speaker 3:You have to be able to engage. This it is a delicate thing to say, though. I want space. Well, is that scary? Maybe for some of you, maybe space has been scary things. You seem gross. I mean, that's never going to be nice or feel good, but that also may come with history. So I think, though, that being able to speak, engage, be honest, be gentle, be curious.
Speaker 2:So what might that look like, what might a way to kind of initiate this repair conversation? That's right To get it started so.
Speaker 3:I'll start.
Speaker 2:Aaron will be Aaron and I'll be.
Speaker 3:I'll be Vivian, so Vivian, how are you doing right now? I imagine hearing Mel say some of this might have felt tough for you.
Speaker 2:Vivian yeah, it is. Honestly, I feel defensive, like I want to go line by line and argue back.
Speaker 3:Aaron, that's a natural response, but before we go there, could you pause with me for just one second? Do you feel like there's truth in what Mel's saying, that you tend to respond more than initiate?
Speaker 2:Vivian yeah. I can see that it's come up before.
Speaker 3:Aaron me, and could it be that, especially over the past few months, this pattern has felt even stronger for Mel?
Speaker 2:Vivian, I'm not totally aware of it, but it sounds like that's what she's describing.
Speaker 3:Then maybe that's the place to start, not whether Mel's right or wrong in her details, but whether you can both acknowledge this dynamic has gotten harder lately.
Speaker 2:Vivian, I can start there, and I think that that's again it's not a neat, and I think that that's again it's not a neat, nice, tidy conversation. But in that conversation it's just Vivian taking that step Number two. Mel took step number one. She said something. Vivian taking that second step of okay, my partner's trying to say something. What is the what's the truth in what she's saying? How can I hear how she's trying to describe something about her, her experience, and how can we start there with trying to understand Mel's experience?
Speaker 3:And I think that that's what will get this conversation into the roots rather than just circling above and all of the details of the moments that felt like the egg and the moments that shouldn't have felt like the egg. In the moment you said you felt like ick because of this, but I asked for coffee yesterday, I mean, those are pointless, pointless dead end conversations.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so if you're feeling the ick um it's okay.
Speaker 2:Um, there is a way to talk about it that can be productive and can be useful so that you and your partner can move from that place of feeling disconnected to being connected. Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents, and remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.