Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
Four Practical Ways Couples Can Stay Connected During The Holidays
Got a question, comment, or just want to drop some encouragement? Send us a text.
December can be tender and overwhelming at the same time. Between school events, family expectations, travel, and the pressure to make it “special,” even strong couples can feel out of sync. We unpack four practical tools that help partners communicate clearly, share the load, and protect the moments that actually matter—without slipping into blame or burnout.
We start with the walkthrough: a simple, proactive plan for the season or a single event. Together we define what “good” looks like, name what could go sideways, and get specific about logistics like arrival, departure, childcare, and roles during transitions. The key is believing your partner’s perspective and designing around it, not debating it. From there, we introduce team meetings—short, scheduled check-ins you can run hourly during long gatherings or weekly across the month. These intentional sidebars prevent resentment, keep you aligned, and remind you you’re on the same team.
Next, we share how to create code words, a private language that communicates support in noisy reality of the holidays. Use them to ask for a break, trade duties, exit awkward chats, or celebrate small wins in real time. Finally, we normalize strategic split-ups. Not every moment needs both of you. Identify the few “musts,” then give each other permission to step out, reset, and return engaged. This protects energy, honors different social bandwidths, and builds trust.
If you want less tension and more togetherness, these four moves—walkthroughs, team meetings, code words, and planned split-ups—turn holiday chaos into a shared plan. Listen now to learn the scripts, questions, and micro-habits that make connection easier when the volume goes up. If the conversation helps, tap Follow, share it with a friend who needs a calmer December, and leave a quick rating or review so more parents can find it.
Get your copy or audiobook of Too Tired to Fight today!: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/059371427X
Want some personalized help. Schedule a free coaching consultation here: https://calendly.com/ccfp/meet-the-mitchells
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents. A show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Y'all, parents. Our dad, Dr. Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, Ann Mitchell.
SPEAKER_01:Hello, and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr. Stephen Mitchell. I'm Erin Mitchell. And we are back. It's been a little while because we were traveling for Thanksgiving and we were doing stuff. And we didn't have time to do the podcast. But today we've got a cup of tea, and we're here to hang out with y'all.
SPEAKER_02:It is uh about a week into December, I guess just a little over a week. And I put the feelers out on our Instagram handle today. Like, how are we doing? What's everybody? What's everybody feeling? How are you? And it was interesting. I thought a lot of we're sick. A lot, which I'm like, oh, that's weird. Yes, we have still it honestly was like, oh my goodness, probably made me go wash my hands right that very second. Um we have not yet gotten a bug, knock on wood, Steven, somewhere. Uh but there was also some like, I'm tired. You know, I'm I'm tired. Yeah. And then the other thing that I really, really, really, really, really loved was um some of the ones in the vein of like, it's going so fast.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Which just felt sweet and tender. And all of them are true, and all of them are good, but of course, like, oh, yeah, there's a lot of muchness this time of year.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I would agree. And so, you know, one of the things that um adds to the muchness is if you and your partner feel like you're in um conflict and having a difficult time communicating, and which can, you know, very common, very easily happen during uh this time of year because it is a higher stress time of year, not because it necessarily means anything negative, it's just simply there's so much more to do. Um kids are getting out of school, end-of-the-year stuff with work, um, seeing family, all these kinds of things.
SPEAKER_02:Not to mention it seems very expensive.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:There are people getting sick. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And and you you want it to be special. And so there's this added intensity around the desire for this to be really, really, really wonderful. So um, so what we wanted to do is give you some very, very practical tips on how you and your partner can communicate in a way that is going to help y'all feel connected and as if you're on the same team, and as if you understand one another and are there for one another. So uh we've got four tips here for you, and I think uh the best way to do it is just to list them off. So the number one tip that we recommend, and we we do this when we meet with, because we do meet with a lot of couples during this time of year, and they're talking about all of this. And so these like so if you were sitting with Aaron and is it me? Aaron and me. Yes, Aaron and me, I always get that wrong. Aaron and me in a session, this is what we would be saying to you. So welcome to the session. Um, here it is. The first thing we would say is do a walkthrough. Now, what we mean by this is throughout the holiday season, there are innumerable moments where you're um at someone's house, or maybe there's a holiday event that is coming up, or you know, there's all these moments where partners can get off kilts with one another and miscommunicate. And so for these types of moments, we really recommend that couples do a walkthrough.
SPEAKER_02:I think before you get that specific, I think it is helpful because I I think what you were talking about is if you were a you know client of ours, a couple client of ours, or even individual, we would be having these conversations too, presumably. You can also do a walkthrough of the whole season.
SPEAKER_01:The whole season.
SPEAKER_02:Like, how do you want it to go? What would magic look like? What would it look like if it failed like if it did last year? What would it look like if it was wonderful like it was last year? Like walk it through. Like help help cast sort of the vision for how you'd like for this to go, what you fear might not work out, what you really, really hope does. Like, you know, really get specific about maybe what hasn't worked, maybe what has worked, either way, or maybe this is your very first, you know, go around with little ones or just as a couple, even. But what do you want? Yeah, how do you want this to go? What do you want to avoid? All of those things.
SPEAKER_01:Yes.
SPEAKER_02:Be clear. And that can work in a specific moment too, which I think is important.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I I love the overarching kind of this is the umbrella idea. So do a walkthrough. And then it some of the specifics might be. So if there's actual events, so you know, let's just take the stereotypical one. So you are celebrating the holidays uh with family, and you have a family event, and you are going to one of your homes uh where where you have family, and that brings with it um a lot, um, a lot of expectations, a lot of um, well, last year it went like this, or it always goes like this.
SPEAKER_02:A lot of you turn into that, or you turn into that.
SPEAKER_01:A lot of like, well, I really want it to go like this. Um, so that's where you can do the walkthrough of what do you want this event to be like and talk through that with your partner. Uh, the actual logistics of it, when are we gonna go? Um, how long are we gonna stay? When are we gonna leave? What are we gonna bring? What, you know, what is my expectation of um how your spirit is going to be in the in in this event. And then also I think that you can you might need to walk through specific interactions with people that may feel stressful or create anxiety. So, well, when we go to this, I know we always see, you know, my um uncle, and that's always an awkward conversation. Or, you know what, my mom in these moments is like this, or you know what, your dad, whenever this happens, um, feels like this. Like these kinds of things you need to map out and talk through.
SPEAKER_02:Here, and and it's so easy, and it probably you can already see how this goes wrong. Because, you know, one, we have idealized versions and visions of ourselves sometimes, and we also can paint our partners in very unfavorable light. So it can be something as simple as I just liked what you just said. So I can say, hey, Steven, we're going to your family's, your mom's house for the holidays. And as soon as we show up, your mom's gonna rope you into helping and she's gonna want you to do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I need you. Yes. I need you to help me with blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. And and in that, I think it can be you can feel defensive of like, my mom would never do that. She's not roping me into anything. I'm trying to help.
SPEAKER_01:She needs help. Like, I mean, you know, like there's no one else to help, like, you know.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. And I'm not, it's not like I leave you. I don't ditch you. I've always kind of like what remember last year? I'm the one who we actually, whatever. It's just so easy to start like all and nothing one another. So I think it's really important to have these conversations. And like you always say, believe your partner. Like you're worried we're gonna go in there and I'm gonna ditch you. Yes. Right. I feel ditched. I feel like you get taken over and then I'm left like, I'm so glad I'm here with our kids and I'll do all the work, except they get to be in the picture.
SPEAKER_01:So making a game plan is is then talking about that situation and saying, okay, yep. Well, what do you want to do in that moment? Would it be enough for me just to say, you know what, mom? Like, I'd love to help you. Hang on just a second. Let me check with Erin and make sure the the kids are set, make sure that there's nothing else that um she needs before I jump into this, um, you know, helping you. Like, would that be enough? Would it would that be a way for us to address this moment? You know, that those kinds of things.
SPEAKER_02:And you have to be realistic because um the the example I'm thinking of is a personal one, which could be useful, but I I kind of like where we are right now because even the way you just said that, if we are the couple that I just presented where we're going to your mom's and you're gonna get roped into helping, and I'm gonna be left to handle all of our kids all by myself. And you said, I have to talk to Aaron. I already feel like the bad guy.
SPEAKER_01:This is a fictional story. Right, right, right.
SPEAKER_02:And I'm like, I wait, so now you've I feel like you've just pitted me against your mom. So now I'm the one who's keeping you from being able to help, and I'm the one who's making sure So then so then you say, Okay, that's great.
SPEAKER_01:That's really helpful. Would it be, would it feel better if you know my mom asked me to do something if I just say, like, yeah, I'd love to help you. You know what? I just want to check in uh with the kids and Aaron and make sure everybody's set before I do that.
SPEAKER_02:Sure, right? But I think that this is one of those things where having the plan actually helps because it's like, actually, I can't. But but if you already know, we already know that your mom's gonna be like, oh, good, we need 14 more tables set up.
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_02:Call today.
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_02:Hey, mom, is there any chance I could come on Tuesday and not Wednesday or whatever? I don't, I mean, we're talking about a fictional event, but like I'd love to help, but when we come, like I gotta be hands-on. Like, you know, we're in this stage where whatever. Right. Um, but not making it a game time decision where I feel like I'm the one who's getting asked if you can be helpful and if I'm okay, you know, like whatever. I'm just saying it's easy for these things to turn south in real time.
SPEAKER_01:So do a walkthrough, make a game plan, and and in the process, to your point, Aaron, believe your partner. Don't don't get lost, don't derail the process immediately by being like, well, that doesn't happen, or you know, that's silly for you to care about that. Rather believe your partner and say, okay, well, then what can we do about that? Sure. And and I think that that in and of itself is going to help you immensely. And we'll be right back. Do you want to reconnect, communicate better, and navigate parenting as true partners, not just roommates? Well, we offer private coaching for couples. Whether you're stuck in the same arguments, struggling to find time for each other, or just feeling off, we offer practical tools that actually work for real parents. We also provide individual coaching for parents who want to show up more intentionally in their relationships, break old patterns, or just feel more grounded in the middle of the chaos. What's one of the things that makes our work different? We coach couples as a couple. This allows couples to have more than one perspective on their concerns and meet with a couple that understands the reality of partnerhood in parenting. Whether you come as a couple or on your own, you don't have to do this alone. We're here to help. Head to our podcast description, our website, couples counseling for parents dot com, or our LinkedIn bio on Instagram and click the free consult link to schedule your free consult and get started today. And now back to the show. I think the second tip that we would offer is have a team meeting. And the team meeting is something that you're doing in the moment of the event. And then actually, also to your point, Erin, like that you can do throughout the holiday season.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I was just thinking that. Every Saturday morning.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you need to have some kind of check-in. So if we're talking about, you know, throughout the holiday season, yeah, maybe you set uh like, yeah, every Saturday morning we just check in and say, hey, how is how is everything going? How are you seeing it?
SPEAKER_02:And what events are at school this week? Who's missing work to go do that? Because it can't just be I'm missing work all the time and you never do. And we both want to get to see all these little magical moments.
SPEAKER_01:Yep, yep. So so a check-in in that way. If you're in the event, you know, if we're at my mom's house, uh what a check-in would look like is, and I I know that this can sound a little silly, but I think it's important to have a structure to it because in the moment you won't do it. So if that's uh, hey, we have established that we're gonna be at my mom's house and we just want to check in um at the top of the hour, you know, while while we're there and do something as simple as, and I'm going to set an alarm on my phone or on my watch that's gonna help me remember to do that. And then, Aaron, we're just gonna have a quick check-in, a quick sidebar. If we need more time than that, great. Maybe we'll be like, hey, we're gonna go outside uh and look at the lights on the house. We'll be right back in. But we're gonna have a moment where we where I asked the very specific questions, and Aaron asked the very specific questions about the walkthrough. Like, hey, how's it going with talking to so-and-so? Hey, do you feel like I'm leaving you hanging? You know, my mom has been asking me to do a bunch of stuff. Like, what where are we at? Where you just acknowledge, like, hey, we're still trying to stay connected here. Um, so you need to have a team meeting.
SPEAKER_02:I think the uh some of these family events, friend events, whatever are short, right? So, like maybe if this is like a dinner, you don't really need as much of a team meeting. Maybe you still do. We we can't overstate that when we talk about these things with couples and then us having done this ourselves now, yeah, they help.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, a ton.
SPEAKER_02:Never, ever, ever are we like, well, that was pointless. Even if it's just like I'm good, I'm good, great. Right. That was 40 seconds of just like finding out that everything's going okay. Yeah. Not wasted time. But sometimes these things are five days long. Sometimes these things, even like, you know, um, when my mom would host Christmas, it's like an eight-hour day.
SPEAKER_01:Oh man, it it was that all it was.
SPEAKER_02:It felt like it was like for us, it was longer because it was at her house and we were staying there, but like a 23-hour day and 10 hours. Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_01:Um it's wonderful, but it was a lot, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, and I think that you can't you just can't do enough. And we and we would do this all the time. And and what we would tell people, because a lot of times people uh sort of hassle people for doing it.
SPEAKER_01:Where are you going? What are you doing?
SPEAKER_02:Oh, we're only here for whatever where you at it. Like, you know, we gotta give our whole family, our kids, a time just like we call it back time back in, like time in. Like we need we need a little time just to regroup, or like, oh, there's a lot of people, we're just gonna, you know, go have like a little bit of quiet for 15 minutes. It doesn't have to be a lot, but just to establish a a reset of sorts, like, okay, we're good, we're fine, everybody's good. Yep, great. And and or no, I'm not.
SPEAKER_01:Right. And it doesn't have to be a negative thing. It can be established, it can be like a man, we're I feel like we're doing a great job. This is going so well. I love, you know, like where you can it can be an encouraging uh team meeting as well. It doesn't just have to be something negative.
SPEAKER_02:And so No, not at all.
SPEAKER_01:I I think that that's vital for for everyone to um maintain their connection. Again, it's just a checking back in to stay connected, to stay communicating, and to set the intention of we're for each other. Yeah, yeah. Um, I think the third principle that you can follow is to have some code words. And what we mean by this is it is typically useful for couples to have a language between them uh where they can communicate, you know, things like I need a break, or I need some help or support right now, or I really like how things are going. And the idea here is again just some language between partners to be able to communicate what they need, what is happening for them, and it being your own shared language, which gives you a sense of connection. Okay and and I and I think that it the language itself is a big part of helping couples feel connected. So if you need you need a break, how do you want to communicate that um to your partner? If you are stuck in a conversation um that you don't want to be in, how can you let your partner know that? What's a what's a phrase that you could use to maybe exit, you know, those kinds of things. Um and then also just phrases that say like, man, we're doing really great. This is really fun. Like, I appreciate you. I love you. This is fun, those kinds of things.
SPEAKER_02:And also, and I I mean this completely good natured, but to have your little inside jokes. Yes, we have got to be able to laugh at the ridiculousness ridiculousness Yeah, that's a ridiculousness. The ridiculousness of our own families and our partners and And I mean ridiculousness, oh my gosh, in a good way. You know, like we are who we are because of all of the wonderful, eccentric, wild things that make our family a family. And it's it doesn't have to become a place of criticism or defensiveness against separation. Sure, yes, yes, yes. But you know, like I we've said it in the podcast a thousand times. Stephen showing up to my family's, you know, 40, 50 people gathering, maybe more. I'd be so bad at judging that type of thing. Gathering sometimes was nothing but overwhelming. Yes. And if you're like your family's too much, I'm critical of that. That feels or well, you feel like you're being yeah, but then I get critical back. Like, how dare you? Like, I'm sorry, you grew up isolated and blah, blah, blah. You know, like it can get, it can get um just off track. Off track. That's a great point. Yes, uh, fast. So I think to be able to be like, we agree that this is a lot, but that doesn't have to mean too much. Like, oh my gosh, like, why does my family have to just get so loud? Like, oh look, everyone's afraid they're not being heard. So everyone just talks louder. Oh, look, more loud. Oh, and and owning that. Um, and everyone has their own versions of these things, and being able to talk about it in a way where we agree, and it's not criticism. It's like, I love this about my people. Um, I'm I am one of these people and I can match. I think it's just a really important thing. The other time it feels very important is any time in these outings where there is a transition.
SPEAKER_01:I think like a transition meaning it's time to eat. Okay.
SPEAKER_02:Or um, I do mean any transition, but like that's the one that springs to mind because it is very uncommon. I I'm thinking of myself, uh that was something that you took over early. Yeah. Making sure our kids had plates, making sure I was eating and not just making sure my children were eating. Right. And and just being very aware in any moment of transition, or some of us are gonna go do something, like, is someone feeling left to to manage all the unfun stuff? Yeah. Um, but just being intentional to check in in those moments. Like, are we or is everybody good? Because I will tell you if you want to watch a parent save me, watch me holding two children, trying to cut little tiny bites and like nursing a baby while Steven's sitting at the adult table just eating his meal, not noticing that that's happening at all. And honestly, that I can't actually think if that ever happened.
SPEAKER_01:But but that those are the scenarios that you you hear about. Like
SPEAKER_02:Uh of course you're eating and of course you're happy. I have I haven't eaten yet today. I've I've been managing all these things. So I just think in these transition moments and they happen all the time.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Check in. Don't assume your partner's got it. Assume you've got it. Assume that you're that your partner's needing to be checked in with.
SPEAKER_01:And then I think the fourth principle is that if it feels okay, you can split up. And what I mean by this is I I'll take another scenario just from our personal experience. Um so, you know, Aaron's, you know, alluded to how wonderful and fun and and loud and boisterous um her holiday uh celebration was with her family. And uh I agree, it it was that. Um but there were certain moments in the um celebration, in the uh 24 hours and 10 hours uh kind of experience where I really just needed to not be present or just needed to take a break, whatever it might be. And I think sometimes um I felt the the tension of like, no, and I'm supposed to be here, I'm supposed to be enjoying every moment. Like I like I can't, I I can't leave. And and if you don't talk about it, there there could be a real confusion there because you know, as Aaron and I talked about it, it there was there were these moments where Aaron was like, I really want you to be present for the family toast. If you're not present for the big charades game, I don't really care. And and those are good things.
SPEAKER_02:In fact, take me with you.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, exactly. That those things are good to know. So so it's okay if we split up here. You might want to be here and hanging out for this moment. I don't want to be here for this moment, and just communicating about those things, but really clarifying which moments you both want to be at, you both want to be a part of, that your partner wants you to be a part of. And maybe if there's pockets in the day or in the event where you don't need to be a part of it. And it's okay if you're doing your own thing, or um, you know, maybe you're doing something else uh enjoyable or fun. But I think that that's a very important conversation to have as well.
SPEAKER_02:I think part of what makes that so important is especially when energy levels are just different generally, these days can feel like marathons, they can feel like 24 plus 10 um days. And sometimes, and I'll just use us as an example, I give all my energy to be present for every moment of that day, and then I'm tired for three days and cranky and overwhelmed and actually don't sleep great and it messes up everything. And you anticipate, and I I mean, for my this is how I would say how I saw it, it looked to me like you would anticipate all this energy, and then you'd wake up and tank before it even started.
SPEAKER_01:You've already died, yes.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, like like this anticipatory overwhelm overwhelm. Yeah, yes, and I think if we both know what's expected and like, oh, you're gonna, you're gonna tune in, you're going to give me energy, you will be present and engaged, like um then I'm not worried when you check out. But if I see you check out and I'm like, and we've lost him, I'll see him again in a week when he decides to check back in, then I then I'm hurt. But if I'm like, oh yeah, like because I I trust that he is coming back, and then I can actually do the same. I don't feel like I have to be on 100% of the time because dad's not present and he doesn't care and he's just like melting in a corner. Oh, great. We both get to take space and we both get to take turns and we both get to trust one another in those moments and our intentions. It changes energy, it changes a lot, and it I think that really matters.
SPEAKER_01:And so what we're talking about here is being very intentional. Anyone in any realm of, you know, whether it's work or you know, sports or I don't know, academics doing academics or being creative, like you plan on purpose for how you want things to go. If things don't go that way, you assess it and then you make changes so that things can go the way you want them to go.
SPEAKER_02:And and sometimes we don't I was a camp counselor all through college, and the director always started with begin with the end in mind. Yes. And I think that I mean, how often do I get that? Yes. But it actually was a very useful phrase.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and so this is part of that. Like, how do you want how do you want it to go? How has it gone well in the past? How has it gone poorly in the past? And what adjustments do you want to make? And we feel that these four principles can really give you kind of a some guidelines for how you can have those um conversations. So, do a walkthrough, have a team meeting, have some code words, and if it feels okay, you can split up. And how can these four principles be a part of you and your partner beginning with the end in mind during this holiday season? Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And as always, we're grateful for you listening.