Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
Why Your Relationship Changed After Kids And How To Repair It
Got a question, comment, or just want to drop some encouragement? Send us a text.
Ever wonder why your relationship felt solid before kids but now seems frayed at the edges? We open the new year by telling the honest truth about postpartum disconnection: it’s common, it’s fixable, and it rarely comes down to a lack of love. Using the case example of Trey and Rashida—we describe how communication patterns and relational connection can begin to falter postpartum.
We also announce new ways to go deeper: affordable coaching, a focused course on attachment and the nervous system, a postpartum group facilitated with care, and a book club starting with Too Tired to Fight. Ready for a good year—not necessarily easy, but deeply connected? Press play, follow the show, and leave a quick rating to help more parents find this conversation. Then tell us: what’s one small repair you’ll try this week?
Get your copy or audiobook of Too Tired to Fight today!: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/059371427X
Want some personalized help (individual or couple). Schedule a free coaching consultation here: https://calendly.com/ccfp/meet-the-mitchells
Interested in one of Erin's postpartum groups? Let us know at info@couplescounselingforparents.com
Do you want to learn about the one thing we think every individual and couple needs to know for healthy communication and connection?https://couplescounselingforparents.mykajabi.com/offers/MGiJwHLf/checkout
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents. A show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Y'all parents. Our dad, Dr. Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, Anne Mitchell.
SPEAKER_01:Hello, and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr. Stephen Mitchell.
SPEAKER_02:I'm Aaron Mitchell.
SPEAKER_01:And welcome to a new year, folks. And just so you know, Aaron and I have started off this new year in our podcast fighting about how she can't get herself together to get ready for the podcast.
SPEAKER_02:That is your perception. That is one way to describe it.
SPEAKER_01:It is, it is.
SPEAKER_02:But we are happy to be back. It's always good to be doing the podcast, to be remembering uh, you know, that these topics matter, that our couple relationships matter, that they really are a foundation for our families, and that's our passion. So, yes, we may come in with some tension about how best to address these things. Uh, but also it's because we are really so excited. And uh thanks for being here.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, it is good to be back. Um, and so you know, we always talk about this. Um, people say happy holidays. And we we're always like, you know what? We're not sure that the happy is always true for everyone. So we really just say holidays, and instead of happy new year, oftentimes we just say New Year. New Year. Uh, we hope it was happy, we hope it was good, uh, or at least we hope that you were able to navigate the chaos. Yeah, yeah, of the season.
SPEAKER_02:Because we're just starting this new year.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, I I know.
SPEAKER_02:So we are hoping still that it is good. But but it is true. I think it's worth noting that these new sort of turnover transition um years, say, or holidays or birthdays or big events often do bring grief. And that is okay. They do not have to be happy, they are still worth noting and remembering, and even the grief is worth noting. So, however you are coming in, we acknowledge that for you.
SPEAKER_01:Yes. Um, I did also want to ask though, just you as listeners, maybe you can think of this as well. What was a highlight of your holiday season, Aaron Ann? Oh, to what was a holiday. We're asking people and us. This is a real question. I'm looking at you, I'm asking this question.
SPEAKER_02:Um, I think one of my highlights, not I it definitely is my highlight. Oh shoot, I have two. Um, we had some family come into town, my cousin and her family, and uh it was really special to get to be with them. And then the other one is our family did uh new tradition this year. We are a family who does intentions, but this year we um I actually saw this thing.
SPEAKER_01:Does intentions. Maybe not everyone knows what that is.
SPEAKER_02:We are a family. Um Steven's brother, I actually think it was Steven's sister-in-law, and um my sister-in-law, uh, she set out a couple of years ago, it's been years now, doing like vision boards for the year. So you know, you like cut out magazine photos. I think a lot of people are familiar with this idea, but we have been doing this for years, and it's been a really good um sort of grounding thing for our family. Our even our youngest has done it all these years, and he loves it. You know, they they cut out things that they're excited about or things that they would like to do, or you know, places they want to see, or food they want to eat. There's usually a lot of food on our board.
SPEAKER_01:We're gonna eat some uh our oldness stuff like I'm gonna eat some good food this year. Good food this year.
SPEAKER_02:Somebody this year cut out avocado toast. And I was like, hey, yeah, I've had it. But anyway, that's fancy. Um, but uh this year we added you write down 13 things. They can be intentions for the year, hopes for the year, things you hope are different from last year. Anyway, it what you know, whatever. It's you're your guide type type of thing. And all of our kids did them separately. We did them separately, we all did them, and then um every single night you burn one.
SPEAKER_01:Um we like which was a highlight. Everyone loved lighting a match and burning something.
SPEAKER_02:I learned I I was just telling a friend yesterday we were talking about um our you know holiday seasons, whatever, and I said that this was one of my highlights. And I said I learned two things about our family. One, our family, our kids included, love a ritual.
SPEAKER_03:Yes.
SPEAKER_02:They were, and myself included, but our kids, it always surprises me. They every night were like, We we haven't done it. When are we doing yet? It's getting dark, we should light the candles. Um, and I was like, Oh, that's right. Everyone loves grounding, come together gathering rituals. We all do. Um, and our family loves fire. These are the things I learned. Like, wow, they really loved those matches. Um so if you don't have kids that are quite ready for fire, you can do it for them. Um, but then the idea is you like light it up and you send it out into your universe, or if you have a guiding um light, correct?
SPEAKER_01:A higher power of whatever kind.
SPEAKER_02:Um but you send it out and you trust your people or your God or your universe to take care of that intention. And every night you do it, and then on the last night, you unfold it and read the last one, and that is your intention. That's the thing that you're going to focus on, and you're going to take care of for your year. And it was beautiful. That was my highlight. It was very long-winded. I apologize.
SPEAKER_01:No, I you know what? I I asked the question, I asked, and you delivered. Um and then some. But that but those really were, I I agree, great highlights. I would say my highlight um was we went um to my brother's house for Thanksgiving. We'd never done that before. I don't think so.
SPEAKER_02:We have, but it's been a very long time.
SPEAKER_01:It's been a long time, so long that I thought we had never done it before.
SPEAKER_02:Um I remember because our nieces made handprint turkeys, and they're the cutest things I'd ever seen in my life.
SPEAKER_01:I remember thank you, girls, for making those. I didn't mean it like that. Those were meaningful to me. I remember them too. Um I'm a good uncle. I um but we went to my brother's for Thanksgiving, and we just had a great, great time, and our kids came back and they were like, that was the best Thanksgiving we've ever had. And that was just really great to hear. It was really special. So as a big highlight.
SPEAKER_02:So my sister-in-law.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, yes, and your brother. Way to go. All right. Um, so uh that was you know, some of the things that happened for us over the holiday season. And um, I would say for us as couples counseling for parents, um, we are really looking forward to some new things uh in this coming year. Uh and a couple of the things that are happening is I'd say one thing, we have a couple of book ideas that we are actively working on. So um, we are excited about these ideas and we are excited about getting everything proposed and letting you know um what's coming down the what is it? The pipe pipe avenue. Uh anyway, uh so really looking forward to to that this year. Um also we are looking forward to seeing more of you in our coaching sessions. Um, so don't be shy. You know, new year, you've been thinking, you've been a listener, you've been thinking for years. Man, those people sound great. I really want to talk to them. I think they could help me and my partner. Guess what? We can. Um, so um come sit down with us.
SPEAKER_02:I think the other thing I just wanted to add to that is yes, for couples. But I put people reach out all the time and are like, Yes, do you do individual work? And we do. Yes. But uh, couples is our focus. We that we tend to do more of that. But we absolutely do work with individuals.
SPEAKER_01:Yep.
SPEAKER_02:Um, and we would love to work with you.
SPEAKER_01:Um, also, we have a new course that we are launching. I have one more thing to say. Oh my god. So I was just I've already transitioned.
SPEAKER_02:The other thing that people ask about I have trans is like do we only people even say this in our couples sessions, but definitely individually, like are are we a are we a good candidate, even if like our our issue or the thing I want to talk about isn't doesn't have anything to do with parenting? Yes, we do not only talk about issues of parenting.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, if you're a human being trying to reflect on your life and become a better person, uh understanding. More of the person you want to be, more of the person you are, you know, all those things.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, it doesn't have to be parenting related. We get to yes. Sorry, I think it's worth noting. We get these questions a lot. Um it was worth the interruption.
SPEAKER_01:Is it good for me to I can transition? Okay, also we are um launching a uh new course, and this is first of all a very affordable course,$79. But this course is the one thing, the one thing that we believe every individual and every couple needs to know. And this is the if if you learn nothing from us ever except this, um we think that it will change your life. And so basically it's about how your attachment patterns are connected to how your nervous system functions, to how you communicate with those people in your life around you and yourself.
SPEAKER_02:And so and how I would describe it is taking sort of um an inventory of your nervous system so that you can stop reacting your way through life and find your choice. But it's what you said, just my version. I'm not correcting.
SPEAKER_01:I like your version. Hey, I'm glad I liked yours too. Um, so that that course um is actually up in ready to rock and roll. Um, so I you will I will I will put all of this information how to get sounded sold.
SPEAKER_02:I can't wait for our kids to hear that.
SPEAKER_01:You know what? Yeah, so I'll put all this in the description. How you can uh access the course, how you can um uh get with us for coaching if you want to do that. Um and then last two things, um, we are starting some groups. Mostly mostly Aaron is starting some groups.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, I'm going to it's actually starting in February. We are uh starting to get the groups together now, though. So please reach out. We're going to first start with a postpartum group. So we're not only doing postpartum groups, but that is the first group we're launching. So if you know or if you are someone who uh is in that period of time and what that period of time means is as the birth parent primarily. Birth parent. No, not primarily, definitely birth parent. There will be opportunities for partners to to have um some buy-in throughout, but this is a group for birth parents. So uh reach out if you are curious if your postpartum age matters, because we are having quite the range of people reaching out who are still wanting to process this. So it doesn't have to be your baby is one day old. Um it can be a lot of things. So please reach out and hopefully we can find some groups for you. Last thing is book club. Um I I'll announce the rest of the groups as they're closer to that's the one that's I will say this.
SPEAKER_01:I'll interrupt this time. Okay, yeah. If you are a birth parent, you want to be in this group and meet with Aaron and the community that will be in the group. But um I just think that it's a really important group. Well, but I think also facilitated by you is is a really big deal. That's kind of truly love it.
SPEAKER_02:So I hope that fashion comes through. I think you do.
SPEAKER_01:And you have a lot to offer, and um, you're a great facilitator, and um, I think people's lives would be changed by being in that group with you.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you. I think so too. I uh it's been really, really good talking about all of these things. So, yes, we have had a lot of um goodness and richness in talking about these topics and really getting not to it's not just about like grieving the postpartum period, it's also a lot of celebration.
SPEAKER_01:Finding your identity, finding yourself, staying connected to yourself.
SPEAKER_02:It's not just like some like we all come and get sad. Um, although they're that's welcome too. Uh, but there's so much to love, and there's so it's so easy to gloss over this really important period, and that is what we're trying to do. We're trying to um mark it. So it doesn't have to be happy, it doesn't have to be sad, it gets to be yours. The last thing is book club. Um, book club is open to anybody. Uh I would love for it to be a couple's thing. So far, we have not had a lot of uh partners interested.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's been tough.
SPEAKER_02:So the again, this kind of depends who shows up, but uh, we're just going to be reading. We're gonna start with our book and then we're going to move into um sort of the group we'll get to choose.
SPEAKER_01:But um Yeah, and so the the focus of this book, so you know, obviously our book, Too Tired to Fight, uh find find it at Amazon.com or wherever you get books. Um is the focus of this group. And so what we will do is we'll read the book, we'll facilitate conversation um about the book, and then subsequent books will be books that could be focused on parenting or books that um Aaron and I think are great resources for y'all as parenting partners. So there it's a wide variety, and I think that that could be um yeah, they're not all gonna be just like nonfiction.
SPEAKER_02:We were just talking about the sleepy end too. There's some really good fiction books that are really engaging and not great parenting.
SPEAKER_01:Um just a way to talk about your relationship to reflect. Yes. So all of that's coming. Um, get excited for it. We are we're actually gonna do some planning today after this podcast.
SPEAKER_02:Um but please reach out, we we can find a place for you. Um we want to.
SPEAKER_01:You have a place, a couple's counseling for parents.
SPEAKER_02:Um you said that ridiculous, but it's true.
SPEAKER_01:That's true. Sorry. Sorry for saying it ridiculous. Well, it's funny, but was it when I dropped my voice into this? Yes, it was. Um, so uh seeing that we're in a uh new year, new beginning, yeah, as Aaron was sharing, you know, we we had this ritual where we set these intentions, and often people do that. They they say, All right, this is a refresh, this is a reset. Um, I'm gonna, you know, shift my energy towards this. And I I think that's a really positive, useful thing to do. Um, but I I think one of the things that Aaron and I focus on a lot with couples is this idea that oftentimes couples relationship needs a reset. And that reset many times needs to be going back to that period of their relationship in pregnancy and postpartum and evaluating it, looking at it, reflecting on it so that they can in a sense reset their relationship uh and the and the areas and the things that kind of got off track in that period of time, because oftentimes that is where we find couples first say, we were doing okay, and then this period of time parenting, pregnancy, postpartum, that got us off track, and we've never really been able to recover. And so um I think even for couples who aren't aware of that when they come in, exactly find that to be the case. Yeah, you got your kids could be teenagers, your kids could be out of the home.
SPEAKER_02:Um we have seen that it happened.
SPEAKER_01:It is it is this story, and so I'm gonna tell you a story um and we're gonna talk about it a little bit. So um, you know, Trey and Rashida, you know, they had their first kid five years ago. Now, they've been married for eight years, they have two kids, growing careers, and the relationship they had before kids is so very different to the one that they have now as parents. They still love each other, they laugh, they have fun, they're continually amazed at how their kids are growing, learning, and the emerging personalities of each of them. They have a good life. But they have a couple relationship that feels cracked and frayed. Yes, they love one another, but they so rarely feel loved by the other. More often than not, they barely get five minutes alone. And every time they try to talk about something else outside of kids' schedules, pickups, drop-offs, sports practices, one of the kids walks in and needs something or just wants their attention. Honestly, though, talking isn't that great. Inevitably, they'll get in a fight. Rashida will try and tell Trey about how she's feeling as a mom, or that she's feeling like she's asked to do too much between work and handling all the parenting task. And Trey hears that last phrase, all the parenting task, and gets defensive. He's working hard too, he does a lot around the house, he's more involved than 83% of all the other dads he knows. He's he has work pressure and takes care of all the details of their life, and so on and so on and so on. And this is the cracked and frayed relationship Trey and Rashida find themselves in. They want to connect, they try to connect, but they can't. Exhaustion, resentment, mischaracterization, and just a weariness of everything feeling like it is so hard is what their relationship has become. They don't want this. They're afraid they will never get out of this. They fear they don't love each other anymore, and they don't see a way forward. Oh, that's a tough one. Oh boy. But I I cannot tell you more than 83%. I feel like 99.9% of the couples we meet with tell some version of this, and it's so true what you were saying, Aaron. It doesn't matter if their kids are young, teens, tweens, college, it doesn't matter. This is a story that so many couples find themselves in, and so many couples never recover from, or don't know that they can, or don't know that they should try, or don't even know that this has happened.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, I think that's exactly right. So Trey and Rashida, right? Like they're like, what's there isn't a way forward. We're we have tried to talk about it. We actually like each other, right? I trust your best, and still it doesn't work. What's the how do we do it? Oh, we don't.
SPEAKER_01:Exactly. We just stop. And so then a lot of couples they kind of commit to like we're just gonna get through this, or like, yeah, I just have to expect less or want less from my partner, or you know what, this is what everybody says happens, you know, when you have like maybe this is just what relationship is, and it gets uh more and more disconnected.
SPEAKER_02:I think attachment pattern shapes this, but I also think that well, I do think it's primarily attachment patterns, but um I think people have a different approach to this. So I think some people say, like, oh, I'm just gonna like care less. And then I think people are like, it's gonna be better when.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many times have you said Well, it's always better when when we get this done, when we get past yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, when everybody's out of diapers, when everybody's look, I have to avoid what's going on in the present moment.
SPEAKER_01:And so I have to just think, you know, it'll be better then.
SPEAKER_02:So Yes, and I It's a way to ignore the pr the present. The Aaron's in this moment, we hyper focus on the present and and we Don't let the goodness in. Or that's harder. We we minimize the goodness because I'm afraid if I say, yes, that was a good moment, yes, we did have a good day. Oh God, we kind of navigated that great, you're gonna blow past all the stuff that I really do want repaired for us. So I'm like, no, that didn't matter. This is the only thing that matters.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I ignore everything, and you can really drill down laser focus on the on the quote unquote littlest thing or the pain. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Doesn't matter how big or little. It's just it's like, no, this was a miss. You missed. We will f we will focus on the miss. Um, no, I don't care that there was good.
SPEAKER_01:So so as you can tell, we have we've been, we're tray and roshido.
SPEAKER_02:We are Trey and Roshido.
SPEAKER_01:And sometimes we still get there. But but I I think an a really important part of being able to reset. So our basic premise is like, look, how how couples deal with this is they have to go back and reset their understanding of this period of their time together as couples, and where their communication got off, why it did, how it did, so forth and so on. And that's a process. And I and that is like, if you like, what is it like to you know work with Steven Aaron? That's that's one of the key things that we do uh with couples is we help you go back and reset and rethink through this process. But I think one of the key things, one of the ways that you can do this is first of all, you have to understand what's going on. How did this happen? Because I think so oftentimes the reason couples struggle to do this is they look at their partner and they say, This has happened because of you. And that is a really tough place to start a healing conversation from. It is true.
SPEAKER_02:It's just not the full truth.
SPEAKER_01:Sure, okay, okay. A little nuance. You want to throw a little nuance in there? So and then and this is also what it's like to meet with uh Aaron and Stephen, because I'm like, I don't know if I necessarily agree with that, but you can have your perspective, I'll have mine, and maybe we'll move on. I'll hear you out.
SPEAKER_02:I I assume we're saying the same thing.
SPEAKER_01:Just differently. So so I think you you have to understand what's happened. And I think by doing that, you take the problem um out of this real personalized place to a place that you and your partner can actually look at it and change can happen. So um I I think the first principle is just the way things start matters. And oftentimes couples are just smacked right in the face with having kids and getting into this new these new roles that they think they're prepared uh for all of this, but it there's really no way to be prepared on some level, and things start off poorly. Um or things start off um without the right tools or um the right skills um being applied, is what I would say. And so part of the reset is helping couples go back and reapply the right tools, the right skills to these situations so that they can understand them differently.
SPEAKER_02:I think what I would add, you you opened it up for I'm waiting. Well, I don't think it has to have gone bad. I think and it can. I think a lot of times it does. That's absolutely true.
SPEAKER_01:Can I clarify? I don't mean bad, like your relationships. I I mean it just becomes disconnected, is maybe I should say.
SPEAKER_02:I think as individuals, the act of becoming parents is disconnective. You your focus shifts from uh how am I doing to are they okay all the time.
SPEAKER_01:Are they okay meaning my partner and my kid?
SPEAKER_02:I think mostly my kid. Yeah. But yes, sure, maybe a little bit my partner. I think that is an attachment thing too, because I think I started to look for ways that I thought that you were detaching, um, starting to like go into hyper, you know, sort of hyper focused mode. Um, but I I don't think it has to be bad. I think a lot of times it is. And I and I actually think there's some really important stories to address with, I mean, even how the birth went. I mean, there's there's postpartum depression, there's postpartum anxiety. There are some ways that are very common for people to find themselves suddenly in that they did not mean to be, and they have no tools to navigate, much less even identify. I cannot tell you how many times, myself included, we've talked about this, I know. I absolutely had postpartum depression. I had a master's in counseling, Steven had a master's in counseling, and he was getting a PhD in medical family therapy, and we didn't recognize it. We were like, nope, she's fine, she's not doing great, but she doesn't have postpartum depression. It it's just hard to self-respect. See your own life. Yes, it is hard to see yourself and you're it's shifting every day. You are shifting every day. Now, I loved the the person I was as a mom. I loved learning new things about myself, but it is really difficult for a couple to be communicating their best when every day is a little bit of an identity shift/slash identity crisis for some. Yeah. So I I don't think it has to be a bad thing. I agree. I think it absolutely can be. But I think it's just uh there is very little process for attuning to self in this. So of course we are not communicating our best because that is the first step in healthy communication, is knowing what it is that is happening for us, so we know what we're trying to say.
SPEAKER_01:So so yes, I I agree with all of that. Well said. Um, so what are what such a defeated yeah, yeah. No, no, no, I don't mean that way. Um, but yeah, so what what else is happening here? And I think that there's some just some basic things that start happening for couples. Um, and I'm just gonna list them off in terms of how this period of time becomes disconnected, becomes frayed, uh, a couple relationships can become frayed and taxed. And so I think one of the things is there's an um there is silence between partners and an effort to not burden a partner more. So partners might be struggling, or partners might be feeling like they need more support, or partners might be feeling like they want to share frustrations, um, they might just be wanting to express difficulty, whatever it might be, with their they might want to do this with their partner, but they don't. Because there's also this desire, like, I don't want to put too much on my partner. I'm actually trying to take stuff off of my partner so that they because I can see that things are difficult. And so there's a a level of silence that begins to exist between partners, and that silence breeds distance and miscommunication and misunderstanding and a feeling of loneliness, and almost immediately resentment.
SPEAKER_02:Because do you know what I resent is feeling like I am keeping Yeah, I'm holding all this stuff for you, and you're not even because I'm trying to ease your life and you're gonna say you're stressed.
SPEAKER_01:So that happens, but that that silence is so oftentimes done out of an effort to care. Absolutely. And I think that that is the intention. That is the intention behind it. Um, also, there uh to your point, Aaron, like there's an inability to self-reflect, to understand yourself and your world simply because you're exhausted, because you are going through a beautiful thing, which is parenting and trying to readjust all facets of your life around this amazing little human, but you are so tired. And when you're tired, you don't go, hmm, you know what I'm gonna spend my time doing? Thinking about me and who I am and you know what's happening for me and my new identity. Like that's just tough to do.
SPEAKER_02:There's there's I'll try to be brief on this, but it really matters. Uh we need mirrors. You think about what a one of the jobs of a parent is to reflect your kid to themselves so they learn who they are. We need that too in becoming parents. And so often, all of the mirrors we've relied on in our life, our community, our work, our partners, our family, all these things, they're suddenly maybe not gone, but certainly not available in the same way they were before. We we lose access and we have a very hard time just finding ourselves because we're standing alone in a you know, sort of a white room kind of situation. It is really hard to see ourselves. Yep.
SPEAKER_01:Um, I think that there's also a so there's an inability to self-reflect, but there also can be an unwillingness to self-reflect due to trauma and fear. And what I may mean by this is um oftentimes uh we find that there are parents or partners, individuals who maybe had a difficult experience of their own in terms of being parented, and now they are thrust into this role of parenting. And one of the things that that can activate is just a lot of pressure and fear and confusion around, oh my goodness, I'm doing this thing that I experienced as a really negative thing in my life, and now I'm supposed to do it for another human being, and I don't know how, and I'm I feel uh overwhelmed by it, or hyper-vigilant to do it perfectly, or hyper-vigilant to like ignore it and and not pay attention. And so there can be a difficulty in self-reflecting about who you are as a parent and who you are at this period of time, because to do so, you would have to think about and reflect on your own experience and your own caregiving experience. And that can be really challenging and hard as well. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02:Um, and then uh the one thing to add to that, I think, is um there's a lot of trauma in pregnancy and birth and trying to conceive and getting pregnant and being pregnant and birth stories. Right. So, I mean, in addition to the trauma that you're talking about, like this historical trauma, there's also just I mean, we're talking about actual life and death.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Um and so a lot of people have birth trauma. A lot of partners experienced their partners having birth trauma and have birth trauma. Birth trauma is not just for the birth parent.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_02:Um, and now the baby's here and we don't want to think about that and we want to move forward, but it's a heavy weight that you start carrying around.
SPEAKER_01:Um, no, that I think that's a great point. Um, and I think another thing that could be happening here for Trey and Rashida as well is there is for many couples, um, and this is not a critical thing, this is just simply like why why would a couple think about this anyway, unless there's someone helping them think about this, is there's a lack of education about stress and how your nervous system functions in stress. And stressed nervous systems struggle to communicate. Becoming parents, trying to conceive, all these kinds of things are stressed. That doesn't mean it's bad, it just means that there's a rise in the energy and intensity of a of your context. And when that happens, our nervous systems respond to rise to that occasion, but stressed nervous systems cannot communicate clearly, and oftentimes partners find that there's a lot of hurt or a lot of miscommunication that takes place because they are communicating from a stressed um nervous system rather than understanding what that means, understanding how they communicate in stress, and then navigating um their communication from that standpoint from a uh a place of understanding and knowing how to regulate themselves and knowing how to communicate from a regulated place. That is something we all have to be educated on.
SPEAKER_02:I think the key there, um, what you said is a lack of education about stress and how your nervous system it's not a general nervous system, it's yours because we each have our own specific and unique ways that our nervous system has learned to function and keep us safe. I mean, they they've done a good job, and now they need to have a little bit of uh uh they need to learn in this context, otherwise they will continue. And this comes back to reaction versus choice. Right. We don't want to just react our way through parenting or react our way at each other because your stressed nervous system stresses my nervous system, and vice versa.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. And and then again, along those lines of education, um, we you know, communication is a skill, and oftentimes uh we don't have the the tools and skills to communicate well simply because maybe we didn't experience them, we didn't have someone who would teach them to us, or uh, you know, we saw the communication that our parents had with one another, and maybe it wasn't the best, the best thing, and so there is just simply a lack of knowing that oftentimes happens. And so, you know, Trey and Rashida are at the point they are at because of these things, and if you notice, those things are understandable, those things make sense. And but yet it is difficult, again, in the um in the moment to to be able to step out and see these things. And so, but it is necessary, it is necessary for couples to step out, look at this this scenario and the and how things got um off track in a sense, according to these principles, so that they can reset that period of time and move forward. And and I think that that is it's vital. It's vital to train Rashida getting their relationship back on track. I know for Aaron and I, it was vital for us uh in getting our relationship back on track. And as we work with couples, we see this as one of the keys to relationships being renewed.
SPEAKER_02:And so I think what I was going to add, last thing for me, is in that communication, we hear primarily one of two things. And I think it is primarily one of two things, uh, which is one, we had some of these communication problems before. It really wasn't parenting that created this for us. People are like, um, so this is one of the things. Like, do you still work with us? Even I'm like, yes, because of course no no one was a perfect communicator to begin with. That's not a thing either. Perfect communication is not real. Um, repaired communication is real. And and then the the second thing is people will say, so like one, we you know, we've kind of always had this, it's not because of parenting. And then the other one is we had done this.
SPEAKER_01:Sure.
SPEAKER_02:We we'd worked on this, we we had done some like work and education and to understand these places. We've done counseling, what whatever. And it's not working anymore. Um, and so I think that the sort of the quick answer to that is well, of course it's not, because back to what we were saying earlier, you are in a different context, and in some ways, you are a different version of yourself. You are experiencing changes every day. So, yes, of course. Um, it's it can be any number of things. It doesn't just have to be we never learned this, like we learned it and it stopped working.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Um, or we tried to learn it and it never worked, or whatever.
SPEAKER_01:So, so in light of this, what like what we would tell train Rashida is there's a way that these things can change. There is a way forward. And they might say, okay, well, how? Well, honestly, just straightforwardly, I I think one of the ways that things could trade could change for train Rashida is that they do coaching with us. We educate about nervous systems.
SPEAKER_02:100% of you was gonna say science. Yeah, that's right. But yes, that's what we do.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, we educate couples about nervous systems and stress, how to reflect and find yourself, and we teach the communication skills needed. That is what we do.
SPEAKER_02:And the communication skills you need in your context with your nervous system based on your story.
SPEAKER_01:And couples oftentimes need a guide. You can't just do this on your own. Not because you're incapable, not because you um don't know what you're doing, but simply because you need someone outside of your context who can look at your context clearly and objectively to be your mirror and help you. So that's one thing that we would tell trainers. Trainers are like, oh man, we can't do the coaching thing. Like, okay, great. Well, guess what? We have a book, and it's called Too Tired to Fight. And this specifically addresses how to navigate many of the conflicts you and your partner have in this postpartum phase of your life, and we teach you our conflict to connection equation in the book. So, what we would teach you in coaching, we teach you there in the book. If you don't, you know, if you're like I'm a do I'm a DIYer, I can do it myself, then the book is great. Um, or you say, I don't like reading. Okay, fine. We have a course, and it's the course that I referred to um at the beginning of the show. This is the most important information we educate couples about. If we want couples to know anything, we want them to know this: how their attachment patterns impact their nervous system, and how that impacts how they communicate with their partner, and how you can shift your patterns of communication by knowing these things. And you're like, uh, I don't know. I'm not really a course person. I'm like, okay, great. Guess what? We have a podcast. You and your partner can set an intention to say, you know what, we're gonna listen to this podcast, we're gonna listen to it once a week so that we can begin to think about and talk about our relationship and connect. Uh, you know what? I'm really not a big podcaster. Okay, great. Guess what? We also have an Instagram handle. It's called Couples Counseling for Parents. And this has endless, endless, endless content that can give you a sense of a community of not being alone. It can give you conversation starters with for you and your partner, and it can just give you a sense of the things we are going through as parenting partners are normal. We are not messed up, we are not uniquely bad, we are not uniquely incapable of being in a relationship. We are just like everyone else who is in this beautiful phase of life and running into some of the challenges that being in this beautiful phase of life brings up.
SPEAKER_02:So the last thing I would say is another super common thing we hear is my partner isn't interested. Um, my partner says the things about like, yeah, we just got to get through it. Like it's hard for everybody. We just that sort of out there date when we get wherever. Um, do it do it for yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Everything that Steven just mentioned can be done individually. Yeah. Every single thing.
SPEAKER_01:You can begin to change, and oftentimes as one partner begins to change, it piques the curiosity of the other partner.
SPEAKER_02:Um, and it is a catalyst for um, well, individuals and couples are endlessly surprised that our objective isn't to make you feel bad about yourselves or that this is all your fault, and yeah, or no, it's your partner's fault. Oh, they're the worst. It's that is not what we do here. We help you learn yourselves and find your choice. That is always a good thing.
SPEAKER_01:And see the goodness in one another. So that's what we would tell Trey and Rashida. We'd say, Trey, Rashida, if you want to have a good, if you want to have a good year as a couple.
SPEAKER_03:Maybe not a happy one.
SPEAKER_01:I didn't say an easy one. I didn't say like uh one that didn't require some work or one that uh didn't make you slightly uncomfortable at certain points in time in your life. But if you want to have a good connected year as partners, this is what we would tell you to do. Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents. And remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.