Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
Why You Keep Having The Same Fight
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Most couples don’t get stuck because they argue too much—they get stuck because repair never fully happens.
In this episode, we start with a familiar story: a couple caught in the same end-of-day conflict that looks like it’s about dinner, help, or logistics. But beneath that moment is something far more important—two partners reaching for connection in completely different ways, and missing each other every time.
From there, we shift the focus to repair: what it actually is, why it matters more than resolving the content of a fight, and why so many well-intentioned couples struggle to do it. Repair isn’t about fixing the problem, multitasking better, or saying the “right” thing. It’s about slowing down enough to name the emotional bind underneath the conflict and tending to the story each partner is living inside of.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why unresolved repair—not conflict—is what erodes connection over time
- How attachment histories shape what repair needs to look like for each partner
- What real repair requires: attunement, vulnerability, humility, and grace
- How naming the bind can soften the cycle and open the door back to each other
If you and your partner keep circling the same arguments and wondering why nothing ever truly feels resolved, this episode offers a different path forward—one where repair becomes the foundation for trust, safety, and lasting connection.
Do you want to learn about the one thing we think every individual and couple needs to know for healthy communication and connection? Check out our course Attachment Theory: Why It Matters To Your Relationship: https://couplescounselingforparents.mykajabi.com/attachment-course-ccfp
Get 15% off our course--Attachment Theory: Why It Matters To Your Relationship: https://couplescounselingforparents.mykajabi.com/offers/MGiJwHLf?coupon_code=ATTACHMENT15
Want some personalized help (individual or couple). Schedule a free coaching consultation here: https://calendly.com/ccfp/meet-the-mitchells
Get your copy or audiobook of Too Tired to Fight today!: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/059371427X
Interested in one of Erin's postpartum groups? Let us know at info@couplescounselingforparents.com
Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents. A show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Y'all parents. Our dad, Dr. Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, Ann Mitchell.
SPEAKER_02:Hello, and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr. Steven Mitchell. I'm Erin Mitchell. And we are excited to be here with you today. And we're going to be looking at this question on today's show. Have you ever wondered why the same fight keeps keeps let's try again. Let's rewind that. Have you ever wondered why the same fight keeps happening day after day and can't seem to be resolved between you and your partner?
SPEAKER_01:I'm excited. It's going to be a good one.
SPEAKER_02:But before we jump in, uh want to remind everyone out there, Aaron has some groups that are starting in February.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, I'm doing a postpartum group for birth parents, and I am doing a mothering without a mother group. If you are interested, have any questions, if this group is or either of these groups are for you, reach out. Let's talk about it.
SPEAKER_02:And the way you reach out will be in this podcast description. Also, in the podcast description, you will find a 15% discount on our new course, Attachment Theory, Why It Matters to Your Couple Relationship. And again, I I think Aaron and I have said this. This is the one thing, the one thing that we think every couple needs to know in order for their communication to change and be more connected. So uh 15% discount there. And also, um, if you get the course, we are um giving some discounts on uh coaching sessions with us as well.
SPEAKER_01:So individual and couple.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, individual and couple. So something to um get you to look at the description of this podcast because who really does that? Um, but anyway, on to our question here. Have you ever wondered why the same fight keeps happening day after day and can't seem to be resolved?
SPEAKER_01:I think this is great. I'm really excited.
SPEAKER_02:So, you know, our fictional characters, Gwen and Heather, are gonna help us with this. And, you know, Gwen and Heather, they're caught in a fight. Gwen is home with the kids all day. And by the time Heather walks through the door, Gwen is tired. But more than that, she's hungry for relational contact. She wants to feel like Heather has arrived, not just physically, but emotionally. And Heather walks in already bracing because no matter what she does next, it feels like she's going to disappoint Gwen. If Heather jumps in with the kids, wrestles on the floor, reads books, soaks up that limited time that she gets because she's been gone at work, she worries Gwen will feel abandoned with the dinner and the logistics of everything happening in the evening. If Heather goes straight to the kitchen, starts cooking, cleaning, taking tasks off of Gwen's plate, she worries Gwen will feel like she's choosing chores over connection and family time. So Heather hesitates. And Gwen feels that hesitation immediately. So this is how the fight might sound. Gwen. Hey, can you help with dinner or be with the kids? I just need you to jump in. Heather hears, you're not doing the right thing again. Heather says, I'm trying. I just walked in. What do you want me to do? Gwen feels the tension in that question. Gwen says, I don't want to have to tell you. I just want you to be here. Heather feels her chest tighten. Heather says, That's exactly the problem. Whatever I choose feels wrong. Now Gwen feels unseen. Heather feels trapped. Same fight, different night. I think we've all been there. How do you resolve something like this? Yes. What what does it take to not keep having the same fight over and over again and feel like you're getting nowhere?
SPEAKER_01:Right. And so Well, I what I was going to say is repair.
SPEAKER_02:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:Like real repair, where it feels like, oh, because the reality is it might come back up. Things resurface. Transitions don't really get easier. It's hard when everyone's like coming back into being together. It's what we've all wanted, but that's part of what makes it pressurized. The thing is though, we can really feel seen about what these um interactions, because they don't have to be fights, but they might still be a little tension-filled, might actually feel like for everybody. Right. And that's where we feel repair. Like, oh, you get what this means for me. Got it. Well, great. It still feels a little tense, but I feel seen in this. I feel like you feel what I'm feeling. Fantastic. And vice versa.
SPEAKER_02:And and so Aaron's using this uh nifty word called repair. And the the idea behind repair is that it's not just uh, hey, I'm sorry, uh, my bad. Hey, will you forgive me? That that might be, those might be some of the things you say, but repair is that feeling that you're describing of like, oh, you understand where I'm coming from, you understand why this matters to me, and it matters to you. And there's a feeling of repair where you feel connected, where you feel like seen and understood. So it's this very in a sense, deep experience that we're talking about in the midst of conflict.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, I think the the reason repair can feel challenging is because when you don't have repair, what you are generally left with is mischaracterization. Because in this, Gwen gets mischaracterized. Sure. Yeah. I mean, you you mischaracterize me twice, I resent you. That's kind of how that goes. Um, but I think Gwen walks away feeling like Heather says, I cannot be pleased, that this is a me problem, that no matter what she does, I'm just mad. And and that doesn't feel good. Gwen doesn't feel like that kind of person. And I think Heather walks away feeling like Gwen thinks that I don't want to be here, that I I don't know how to be a parent or a partner, that I just walk in and I'm like this helpless deer in a headlights, like, I don't know, tell me what to do. And that doesn't feel good. I I think, and and if you feel like you're having to apologize for that, I'm sorry, I don't actually want to be here, you're not gonna do it. That's not true. And if Gwen feels like she's having to say, I'm sorry, you can't please me. I it's just a bottomless pit of needs, she's not gonna do it.
SPEAKER_02:Right. And so there's there's something more, and this is something we we say to couples all all the time your conflict is really most likely not about the topic, you know, dinner, hangout, what that you're arguing about.
SPEAKER_01:That's what's poked the bear, but right.
SPEAKER_02:Conflict always has a history. Conflict always has what we would say is a backstory that makes the moment, the present moment, really, really matter. And couples get into conflict when they feel like their partner doesn't get why this moment matters.
SPEAKER_01:And so couples stay in conflict because again, you're not going to really repair if you feel like you're having to apologize for a mischaracterization. That is not true.
SPEAKER_02:So let's think a little bit about the backstory that might be running for Gwen and Heather.
SPEAKER_01:Let's get to know them.
SPEAKER_02:Let's get to know them. Again, you know, good friends of ours, Gwen and Heather. Uh uh, so Gwen um has a backstory where you know what? She grew up in a home where one parent was physically present, but emotionally absent. Her dad worked long hours. And when he was home, he was distracted, disengaged, and checked out. Her mom carried the weight of everything. And in terms of the home, in terms of everything that didn't relate to her dad's work life, her mom was doing. And her mom resented that quietly. And Gwen knew it. Gwen felt it. And so what Gwen learned was that absence can exist even when someone is in the room. And Gwen promised herself she would never be in a relationship where she had to beg someone to show up, someone to be engaged with her. And when Heather pauses in the doorway or asks, what do you want me to do? Gwen doesn't hear like logistics, um, hey, let's collaborate about being a team here. She hears, you're on your own again. It's up to you, just like it was up to your mom, to carry the weight of all these things.
SPEAKER_01:There are so many things about that backstory that I love. I think the first, and like just the thing that like gets me, like I feel this is when she learns that absence can exist even when someone is in the room. That is such a powerful thing to be able to articulate because I think a lot of us know that. Um, we've been watching Stranger Things. This is not like a subtle endorsement. In fact, it's super creepy. Right. There's some good friendship. Scary. Yeah, but I I can't even say I recommend it, except there have been some things I liked. But the one of the things that Steven and I have talked about over and over is one of these, like the families in this story, like they're sort of like the hub house. The dad is just sitting in a different room and kind of misses everything, looking at a paper and occasionally looks up and was like, What's that? Like, yeah, and and Steven has said, like, whoa, like this is a very familiar feeling.
SPEAKER_02:Sure, sure.
SPEAKER_01:And I think that it's it's that thing where like, okay, so he's there.
SPEAKER_02:Familiar feeling in terms of that's how my dad was.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, well, um, yes. Um, my parents were divorced, so I have no idea what that that would actually be like. Um, I didn't have that present absence because I think that that is confusing. I think that that can really be destabilizing and really kick up a lot of um I the word I want to use is anxiety, but I I don't mean that in a bad way. And I think a lot of people hear anxiety and think, oh, that must be bad. But I think like in a way that's like, this is important, like an exclamation point kind of way, like a oh no, no, no, no, no, no. So I think that is just a really, really, really important thing.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. The hear but not hear parent is a thing.
SPEAKER_01:And then the other thing I liked is I'm never going to have to beg someone to show up. I think a lot of us felt that too. Now, I I do not relate to having the the present, not present parent. I do relate to feeling like I'm not gonna beg you to be sure engaged and involved. That I know from a parenting perspective. Um, and I think that those things really, really shape this conversation.
SPEAKER_02:So for Gwen. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So that's well, ultimately for Heather.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's what we're saying. So that that's a backstory for Gwen. So Heather's backstory is, you know, she grew up in a family where she was often criticized, you know, not for lack of effort, but for doing the wrong thing. She learned early that approval was conditional and unpredictable. Even when she tried hard, it often wasn't what um was needed in that moment, or at least it wasn't uh what was needed according to her caregiver's definition. Um and so Heather became hyper-attuned to getting it right. Um, now in her relationship with Gwen, you know, Heather desperately wants to contribute, but feels like the rules are invisible and constantly shifting, similar to her caregiving experience. And when Gwen says, I just want you to jump in, Heather hears, if you guess wrong, you'll disappoint me. So Heather freezes, not because she doesn't care, but because she cares too much. So this is the thing about repair repair is necessarily contingent on knowing what the backstory is that is running while you and your partner are having a conflict.
SPEAKER_01:I just have to I think that I mean you're gonna hate this word to correct because you just said not because Heather doesn't care, but because Heather cares too much. I don't think Heather cares too much. I think Heather might care too much about getting it wrong.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, yes, yes. I just wanted to.
SPEAKER_01:And maybe that's not a correction, maybe that's just a clarification.
SPEAKER_02:No, the great great great clear clarification.
SPEAKER_01:I know. Can I just say one thing that I loved about Heather's story?
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01:It just these are the things that feel like the feelings, and like to me, this feels like the whole point. Because if we cannot feel the weight of Gwen and Heather's story, certainly Stephen and Aaron's story, you and your partner's stories, we've missed it, right? Because rather than like getting it wrong, I just want to know you care. And I think most partners feel that way. So anyway, um, Heather, she grew up in a family where she was often criticized. I think a lot of us felt criticized. Um, but here's the thing she learned that approval was conditional and unpredictable. What we're even talking about for Heather is approval. Like, dang, that hurts. That's that's this like not love, not care, not like, hey, thanks for thanks for doing that. Whatever, but approval. And that is a painful reality for me when I'm thinking of Heather. That's what she's she grew up looking for because that's the best she could get. That's that was my one big like, oh, and then the the rules are invisible and constantly shifting, and how destabilizing that is for Heather. That is when her body goes into like a threatened state and her body freezes. Now, is that helpful for Gwen? Of course not. Does Heather want to choose that? No, those are the things that have to be like, oh, I get that. I feel that. Like, oh, like it matters. I wish like my body's just like, oh.
SPEAKER_02:And again, this is what runs into each other in a conflict. Is your individual backstory colliding with your partner's backstory? And a lot of people, you know, we we hear couple say, like, oh, you know, that just, you know, that just feels too hard. You know, are we just sort of destined to for it not to work out because, you know, they've got a story and I've got a story. And and the thing is, is like, if you want things to work out, you have to know those stories so that in conflict, what you are actually doing is talking about what is actually happening. And so I think that if we come to repair, uh try to give you four easy steps. Four easy steps that if you follow these steps, you'll you'll always resolve every conflict you'll you ever have. Um and I kind of say that's a good thing.
SPEAKER_01:I know you're joking, like we know, you yeah, we mean that.
SPEAKER_02:And we'll be right back. Picture this. It's late, the kids are finally asleep, and instead of feeling close, you and your partner are in another argument. We've been there. That's why we wrote Too Tired to Fight. The heart of the book is our conflict to connection equation. It's a step-by-step way to move out of the same draining conflicts and into connection, where you feel heard, resolve resentment, and repair after fights. And if you don't have time to read, we made sure it's also available on audiobook so you can listen anytime. You can grab Too Tired to Fight anywhere books are sold or on our website. And if you're ready for hands-on support, we also coach couples through these tools step by step. We open five new spots a month, starting with a free 20-minute consultation. You'll find the link for the book and the free consultation in the show notes. Too tired to fight, because even exhausted parents deserve connection. And now, back to the show. The first step is you as an individual have to be attuned to your backstory. So uh what it would look like is Gwen knows this about herself. Heather knows this about herself. There has to be some reflection there uh to understand who you are. Next step is there has to be vulnerability to share your story with your partner both ways. Third step, there has to be humility to listen and validate your partner's story. You have to so Gwen has to be willing to listen to Heather's story and to acknowledge that that is a real thing that matters, and vice versa. Heather has to be willing to listen, humbly listen to Gwen's story and acknowledge, validate that it is something that is real and matters and is happening. And then the fourth step is there has to be some acceptance and grace to move towards connection because yes, there's two stories running, there's two stories that matter. So what do you do? And I think that that's where partners have to be willing to say, like, okay, like I acknowledge that you weren't just trying to be terrible and awful. I accept that you're having an experience and it really matters. And what I what I want is to tell you that. And also there has to be grace in the sense of um we don't always communicate the best, do we, when we're in conflict. Sometimes we say things that are hurtful, sometimes we uh respond in ways that we wish we hadn't. And we have to be able to look at our partner and and give them some grace in the sense of, you know what, I don't like that you were mean in that moment. But also I can acknowledge that there was something going on, and you can say, you know, that's when you're the you're saying things like, you know what, I really am sorry I was mean in that situation. Yes, okay, great. And then you can move into some kind of conversation that will actually resolve what's happening. So those are the four steps of repair. Uh and these are the steps that Heather and Gwen need to engage in. Yes.
SPEAKER_01:So we're assuming now that Heather and Gwen have done you know two sessions with us and they know these things now.
SPEAKER_02:And and I do think so we kind Yes, yes, yes. We we kind of acknowledge like so, in a sense, partners are in a bind when they're in conflict.
SPEAKER_01:What I love about this is that I'm not putting you in a bind. You are not putting me in a bind. We together are in the bind. Yes. I I think that that is a much better rephrasing and reimagining of you've got me stuck. Right. Or I have you stuck. We're stuck.
SPEAKER_02:Well, to your point, Gwen and Heather do not have to apologize for how they feel about that interaction interaction and and why it matters to them. And that's the bind. There's something that matters to them both, and it's very important.
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_02:So then what do you do when you both have something that matters?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, this so sort of the like how it wouldn't work, but how it happens all the time is like, sorry. Sorry I didn't get it right. Sure.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And like, sorry, I asked.
SPEAKER_02:Well, okay, well, I guess I guess your whatever gets to win. Sure. Okay.
SPEAKER_01:No problem. Got it. What do you what do you want me to do tonight? Oh, nothing. Why don't you just go take care of you and come back if you actually feel like being here? Neat. Like that's and those are the mean things you're talking about. Where those are the protective places that come out like reactions. Um, that is not a response to the situation. That's a reaction to feeling really threatened.
SPEAKER_02:Right. And so and so So you're what you're trying to do in attuning to the story is acknowledging that you're both in a bind.
SPEAKER_01:Yes. Here we are together.
SPEAKER_02:And then vulner vulnerably saying this is where my story started running, you know, in this interaction. This is what was happening for me. That's where the listening and the validating, and then saying, like, oh, I I see that. Okay. So how could we approach this situation differently to where I don't feel like I'm performing and you don't feel like I'm not showing up? What can we do about that? That is a great conversation.
SPEAKER_01:Right. And one that is um mutually not just respectful, but like mutually empathetic, maybe is the word I mean, or connective, or like I don't there's a word for it, and I am struggling, but like the the visual I'm giving is like where we feel together.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. It's a win-win.
SPEAKER_01:Collaborative. Maybe that's the word.
SPEAKER_02:It's a collaborative win-win, is what it is. So um, what might uh what might a script look like? I'll be Gwen. Um you'll be Gwen. Yeah. All right.
SPEAKER_01:I feel like I.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, you feel like a Gwen? Yeah. Okay, go for it. I'll be heather. I feel like a Heather.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Okay, Gwen says, I want to try saying this differently. When you come home, I'm not trying to test you. I'm wanting to feel you with us.
SPEAKER_02:Heather. Well, that helps because it honestly feels like no matter what I do, it's wrong. And then I you know what? I just shut down.
SPEAKER_01:Gwen says, when you shut down, it hits this fear in me, this fear that I'm alone in this. And then I can see that I tell you everything you do is wrong.
SPEAKER_02:Heather, why? I didn't know that. I freeze because I'm scared of disappointing you, not because I don't want to engage. And I see how that, you know, it that would leave you feeling alone.
SPEAKER_01:Gwen says, so maybe what I need first isn't help, it's connection.
SPEAKER_02:Heather. Oh, I can do that. What if when I walk in, you know, I just take 10 minutes and just hang out with you and the kids, like just no distractions, and then we can, you know, decide together what needs to happen next.
SPEAKER_01:Gwyn, that'd help me so much.
SPEAKER_02:Heather, and if I'm unsure, can I ask without it meaning I don't care?
SPEAKER_01:Yes. I don't want you to feel like you have to guess with me. I just want you here.
SPEAKER_02:So if you notice, this is a very simple conversation. And this is a conversation that can take three to five minutes. It really can. But also, Gwen and Heather, they have been working through this, trying to understand their backstory. You know, thankfully they're they're able to sit down with, you know, Aaron and Steven, and we're able to help them understand how their story is is running in their conflict. And you can have conversations just like this.
SPEAKER_01:I tell people all the time, even if connection isn't your primary goal, it's just to stop having the same because you're exhausted. Dead-end conflict. Yeah, but that's a good goal too. Because I think even with us, I I know you love me. I do honestly trust your good, but still sometimes it does bump a gut up against my insecure places of that honestly, that Gwyn part of like, I'm not, I'm not going to beg you to be present here. Like I'm I'm not gonna do that. And if I get, you say this sometimes the one sniff that that might be what's happening, man, my my capacity has grown a lot in that regard to to sort of tolerate that and check in with it before I just react. But sometimes it's a real swift shutdown. And I think vice versa. Yeah. Um, and again, that's what we're doing. We're trying to grow our tolerance to sort of engage in that moment rather than saying, Nope, I know who you are, and you're the worst, and I will not let this happen. No.
SPEAKER_02:And so this is the big idea. Repair begins when you start seeing the story taking place within the conflict, which doesn't have to mean at the time of the conflict, right? Most likely it won't.
SPEAKER_01:Correct.
SPEAKER_02:It's not at first. And then you address the story, not the content of the conflict. And you're right. You're most oftentimes this uh ability comes outside of having a conflict. And honestly, uh, shameless plug. This is exactly what our course is about.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and our work with couples.
SPEAKER_02:Our our course. If you don't, you know, maybe you want to meet with Aaron and Steven, great. I think you should do that. It'd be it'd be wonderful to meet you.
SPEAKER_01:And we'd enjoy it, yes.
SPEAKER_02:Maybe you're like, I don't want to do that. This the course is specifically designed to help you and your partner understand your backstory and how your backstory emerges in your nervous system, which then emerges in your communication and messes things up.
SPEAKER_01:And it's not about having to apologize for it or feel ashamed of it, or gosh, you know, like, oh, I can see how I do that. I'm so terrible. No, it's like, oh, I I get how I came to be a person that would respond that way, that that would be my quick reaction. I I do get that. I also get that that impacts the people around me, and I need to start making some choices.
SPEAKER_02:And there are some simple ways that we present in the course to where you can have this kind of three to five minute conversation that Gwen and Heather have had, and feel like you and your partner have repaired a repetitive conflict, and your relationship can feel completely different, and your connection can feel much deeper. Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents. And remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.