Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
Politics? No. Nervous Systems On Fire
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If you’ve wondered how to talk about violence, power, and dignity without overwhelming your home, this conversation offers tools rooted in our expertise in nervous system regulation, and everyday compassion. We open up about why we’re choosing to speak plainly about human dignity.
From there, we get practical. We share a simple four-step framework to move from silence to steady action: clarify your values, align with your partner, tell a thoughtful story to your kids, and decide how you will say "no" to dehumanization. Alignment doesn’t demand identical opinions; it asks for shared values that guide how you speak, set limits, and model courage. We also talk about how kids feel the energy we think we’re hiding, and why offering coherent, calm language restores safety in the family system.
Listen for practical examples—to refuse the dehumanizing climate taking place in our country —and see how small, repeated acts become a family culture. If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review to help more families find support.
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Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents. A show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Our dad, Dr. Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, Aaron Mitchell.
SPEAKER_02:Hello, and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr. Stephen Mitchell. I'm Aaron Mitchell. And uh this week's episode may feel a little different. Um, over the weekend, we shared a few posts in response to the second shooting in Minnesota. And the purpose of those posts was very simple. It was to be clear that we do not support or condone violence, intimidation, dehumanization, or the kind of rhetoric that treats people as disposable. And we wanted to say this in an upfront manner. Um, we don't really enjoy talking about politics, we don't consider ourselves political commentators, and we really do believe like that people should stay in their lane of expertise. Um, but this conversation has really begun to feel like it is not about politics, this is about humanity. And I think as we have watched and seen uh what is taking place um in our country, um there's just more and more of a feeling that um when systems, when leaders or movements use power to justify cruelty, that is wrong. When language strips people of dignity, that is wrong. When violence is excused, minimized, or inflamed, that is wrong. And this isn't um anymore about policy disagreement. Uh we really believe this is a moral issue. And you don't need a political science degree to recognize when something is inhuman, inhuman. You don't need to be an expert to say this is wrong. Um we work with relationships, we work with families, we work with nervous systems, attachment, repair, and caring for all people's bio, psychosocial, spiritual health. And we understand what happens to people when they're treated as less than human. And what we are seeing right now is exactly that. People are being treated as less than human. And throughout history, harm almost always follows the same pattern. A group is labeled as dangerous or immoral or undeserving. And once people are framed as bad, it becomes easier to justify treating them without compassion. We've seen this directed at non-white communities, at immigrants, at women, at children. And increasingly it's aimed at anyone who insists that law, morality, compassion, and human dignity still matter. And this isn't about, again, degree disagreeing about policy. It's about erasing humanity. And we can name that without being hateful. Because to name something as wrong and inhuman is not hateful. It's just identifying what is true. We want to be clear that this is what we stand for, and that if you also stand for this, that you should be saying so. Because it isn't about politics. Again, we don't like talking about politics. It feels kind of useless a lot of times. But we do care about protecting human beings, and we do care about doing what is right.
SPEAKER_01:So why this matters? I mean, outside of everything Steven just said, right? But how this matters to you, how this might be showing up for you, um, and why we are speaking up. I think we realized this weekend when we um our that what we shared in our stories actually wasn't about the second murder, um, not just the shooting, but uh it was actually just about it's time to speak up. Everyone needs to find their voice. It's it's time to, you know, to name the reality, what's going on. And people were shocked. And that shocked us that people didn't know clearly where we stood. And so um, we thought, oh my, we have been a lot more silent than we intended to be. We we take responsibility for that. And so we have realized, I specifically have realized I haven't known what to say because it is not my area of expertise. And like Steven said, families are, and this is showing up in families. So how? How is this showing up in families? As stress, as fear, as people being overwhelmed and flooded by more information and um honestly visuals than we really are prepared for.
SPEAKER_02:And I think too, just for um parenting partners, I think it's showing up in terms of what do we like, what do we do? How what do we say? Um, how do we talk to our kids? Um, how do we handle family members who maybe see this differently?
SPEAKER_01:Or partners who see this differently.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, or partners. What what do how how do we teach our kids to um you know be human beings? Yeah. And so and too, uh, yes, partners who maybe don't even think about it differently, but maybe although that is happening. Although, yes, but also maybe just handle their stress differently, and so it really confuses and makes conversations about this really stressful um time hard.
SPEAKER_01:Right. So I think one of the ways uh that this is showing up for families, like I said, is stress. So how you know Steven mentioned we we are in the business of nervous systems, and people's nervous systems react to this overwhelming amount of stress differently. I, for one, I elevate.
SPEAKER_02:Stephen, I think it's fair to say you uh I think I in a sense um disengage or dismiss or avoid. It doesn't and so I think what you're talking about is generally speaking, there's kind of two categories of how we respond to stress. One is what you're saying, Aaron, is uh kind of a uh a hyper attunement to what is hyper attunement is exactly right uh um outside, and it can feel like you're getting engulfed by everything that's taking place. Then there is, in a sense, a hyper withdrawal that I might um have from uh in terms of this is so much, what I have to do is turn away from it. And and that can feel like avoidance, numbing, you know, what whatever you might want to call it.
SPEAKER_01:And I think it's fair to say, because even listening to you describe yourself, we don't stay in these places. I don't know anyone who only does it, yeah. Yes. Um, because you certainly have had your moments of coming out in big ways. Um but the the reality is is that we see our partner in these ways, and what it can feel like is their nervous system is controlling our family.
SPEAKER_02:So or that I think also they're not with me. Right. And it feels very s isolating and lonely to a nervous system that already feels activated, threatened, scared, terrified.
SPEAKER_01:Let's be honest. So what we and and our kids notice this. Our kids are very aware. Since the time that they, you know, entered our universe, they are aware of our stress systems. It directly impacts theirs. So, you know, in a in a house, this might look like more dysregulation, more impatience, more pushing boundaries, more testing, or more um, you know, I h hate this word because it's used negatively, and it's not a negative word, more needs. Um, you know, I need more proximity, I need more. You seem like you're going away, I'm going to continue to pull you near in a lot of different ways. Um it just looks dysregulated.
SPEAKER_02:And I think that um kids are observers of this, but also the way our nervous systems work is particularly in a family system, is there is like actual energy that is felt between that whole system. So if you think about um an electrical current being connected between all family members, you feel the shifts and the changes. And so if you're aware of it or not. Right. That's what I'm trying to say. Like whether you know it or not, and you might think like, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine. Like, oh, we're good.
SPEAKER_01:The perfect example is every single couple ever who has ever tried to have somewhat of an important conversation, and it doesn't have to be the most important conversation, although perhaps it was. But like, hey, let's talk about this two minutes, and your kids immediately start interrupting, start coming in like they need you, and they need you right now, or they just need to talk over you, or they need to touch you, or they are suddenly involved in that because they felt your withdrawal.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah, I know. So so I just think what you're saying is like this matters. There's ask yourself the question, like, how how do I just in general respond to to stress? And in particular, when it comes to what is happening in the country in terms of um the politics and the the things that you're seeing on social media or TV or hearing about, like, how do you know like recognize that nervous system response being present in in real regards to it?
SPEAKER_01:And in in yourself. I know you said this, but just to be extra clear. First, the first step in this is a self-reflection.
SPEAKER_02:Because because what we're talking about here is how that that is the first step to knowing how can we as partners communicate about this with one another, and how can we communicate to our kids about this so that our family system can be as regulated as possible.
SPEAKER_01:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02:Um, you know, no family system is 100% balanced or uh never has any rises or falls in that regulation. In fact, it's good that there is. Um it's just how do we return to a place of balance? And so I think that as you do that, then you can um we want to kind of give you four steps of what you can do as parenting partners in terms of engaging with yourself around this and one another and your kids from that perspective of nervous system and what y'all just talked about. Um, anything else before no. Okay. Um so yes, okay. That's right. Yeah, I could.
SPEAKER_01:I was like, I I feel like I think it's I think it's necessary to point out, and and you know, the way we introduced this. No. Yes, you're right. I know. It's been since the beginning, though, so we can continue to try not to say it. This is not new in our country. So I think a lot of people, you know, when we posted this weekend um and shared stories, you know, like this has been happening for a long time, you know, deportations aren't new. That is not the point. What we are talking about is a misuse of power, and that is not new. Our our country, every country has some histories of that, but it is intense right now. This is an intense moment where it is no longer acceptable to stay quiet. If for no other reason than to let other people know they don't have to stay quiet. And I think to your point when you said earlier about our cortisol levels do increase in silence because we do think, oh, we're alone in this. And so we are speaking out so you can speak out, so we can all collectively name, oh, what's happening here is scary, is threatening, is not okay. That doesn't necessarily change anything today, but it is the beginning of change. Naming something is the beginning of change. Yeah. That's what I've been not saying.
SPEAKER_02:And I yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I I think that that is that is a a huge uh point.
SPEAKER_01:There's a long history, and and you said it, non-white people have been dealing with this forever. And it is an intense moment right now.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. So that's not just, I mean, honestly, not not just uh in terms of racially and culturally, but in terms of um uh you know personal identity, yes, absolutely in terms of um sexual orientation, like it's not so it's not just non-white.
SPEAKER_01:That's right, you're right.
SPEAKER_02:So so it it is all these um, you know, minority groups um who are being identified as the bad people that's right and being dehumanized. You're absolutely right. So so what can you do? Step one, this has a two-part for you as an individual, you have to decide what you believe before you talk to your kids, before you engage with family, before you engage with friends. Um, you need to understand what it is that you believe about what is happening, and what is your value, and what do you believe about human beings in terms of how they should be treated? So you need to establish what that value is for yourself.
SPEAKER_01:I think a great way to establish this is back to sort of some feeling things. What are your you you said it values, but what do you fear about what's happening? What about what is happening makes you angry? What are your hopes? What are your desires? Those are things that can help sort of flesh out your value around what is going on.
SPEAKER_02:And how would you personally want to be true? Like if if you found yourself in uh a similar situation, what would you want to actually um happen to you?
SPEAKER_01:Or you know, you know the the best thing always, I think, for parents is your kids because you know I'm willing to tolerate a lot of things personally that I am not willing to tolerate for my children. Um so yes.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. So so first step, decide what it is that you believe. What is your value? I think the second step then is um talk to your partner and get on the same page.
SPEAKER_01:I think it's really important there to clarify what do you mean by same page? Because we don't have that. We are balance-seeking people. So if I go up, Steven's gonna say, Hey, don't make yourself more anxious. Let's just tone it down. This is, you know, like this is home, let's rest. And if Steven goes down, I'm gonna say, Hey, our kids need to be prepared. You better amp up and elevate. We can't, whatever.
SPEAKER_02:Right, right. And and so I think that that is so I So what is same page? Right. I so I I don't think same page means identical opinions, yes, or identical responses, right, right. Because I think that that's uh where what we're saying, where a lot of couples get um kind of miss misaligned, but I do think it means aligned values.
SPEAKER_01:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02:So so that's what it means by same page. Like your value has to be aligned because if it because that's what you're trying to establish, like what do we want to communicate? The third step is to tell a thoughtful story to your kids. And I've some families might say, let hey, let's sit down and have a conversation. Um, other families might simply um the parent might bring up the conversation, and that's it, like not necessarily an open dialogue, but just like, hey, I want to communicate to you something that um I've been thinking about or that I think is important. I think that you have to, again, you really do have to decide how you're going to do that. Um, but I but I do think, again, to that point, many times a lot of parents are like, our kids are too young, uh, they don't really get it. Um, you know what, it's not really happening close to where we are. So, you know, maybe it's not that big a deal. And again, just like family systems feel the energy between them, um I and y'all you might think this is too existential. Humanity also feels the energy between between itself. You know, Carl Jung talked about this collective unconscious. That's a that is a a real thing, I believe. And so just being in this country means that we are all experiencing this, yes, to different degrees of intensity, but it doesn't mean that it's not important and that your kids don't know anything. They go, they go to school, they have social media, they have friends. It's something they know about.
SPEAKER_01:I think, and and I agree with everything you just said, and there are kids that are too young. There are kids that don't. And we know that you, you, some of you listeners do have very young kids. And yes, so that is a real thing. But a lot of times we hear um parents talking about, like, oh yeah, our kids are too young. They're in middle school. Like, oh, that's you know, that's probably not too young. Right. Probably kids are talking about that at school. There, there are ways that they are getting information. Yeah. Um, but the other thing that I think is really important is you know your kids.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_01:You are the expert on you, your partner, and your family. And your history might be guiding some of your fears about like what is too young, what is old enough, because little doesn't stay little for long. So go ahead.
SPEAKER_02:That was the only thing. Um and and so telling that thoughtful story, um, I uh actually um Aaron, you've you created some really good um scripts recently and an Instagram post about what that might look like, what what uh what a dialogue with your kids might look like.
SPEAKER_01:Um so I would recommend that people you know refer to uh the point of that is though, is that you're saying small things, all you are doing is introducing the idea. You are naming an experience so that they know they are allowed to as well. Because again, that is what begins the process of re um, that's not the word I mean to say, of of regulating is what I'm trying to say, but like coming back into ourselves, of not feeling like our cortisol continues to spike, that we are all alone, that we don't understand what's happening, that there's nothing that can be done. Um it's just saying, hey, we can name this and we can talk about this. And it's you are not giving them the exhaustive beginning to end, you know, of anything. This is a beginning, an open, an opening of a dialogue.
SPEAKER_02:Yep. And so then step four, um, decide how you will say no. Now, granted, I recognize that this communicates a perspective and an and an opinion. Not everyone believes that um you need to say no to what is happening um here. Obviously, then this is not for you um because we just we have a fundamental uh disagreement about that. But for those who um do align, um the the fourth step would be decide how you will say no. No to what is going on, no to what is going on, and so and and you know, saying no doesn't always mean you know arguing online or social media.
SPEAKER_01:10 out of 10 do not recommend.
SPEAKER_02:Um it doesn't mean confrontation. Uh, you know, sometimes it it looks as simple as you know, refusing to laugh at dehumanizing jokes, uh, correcting language gently, setting boundaries with your family, modeling courage and kindness. Um can be uh calm, it can be relational, it can be rooted in love. Um, for us, this is one way that we are saying no. We are doing a podcast. About this. And we understand that, you know, this is this is one of the ways we can do that.
SPEAKER_01:The other thing I want to say, and this might have gone better with point number three, but I think it's helpful for our kids to see us as parents do things, including stress, differently. You and I bring things up to our kids. It's when you were giving the examples, I was laughing to myself. I wish they would come on this podcast. I mean, they they would. I wish we would allow them to come on this podcast because to hear them describe us is one of the funniest things because one, they are spot on accurate. Um, but you get a little on the preachy side.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:We are raising.
SPEAKER_01:We are raising three young boys and we are raising them to be good humans that are very aware of their privilege and power. And sometimes Steven gets soapboxy about it. Is it important? Absolutely. Is it also sometimes just a little on the you have begun to repeat yourself process? Yes. And our kids see that. They know that we can all laugh about that and we can understand why it is so important. I just think we don't have to do it the same. In fact, showing our kids that there are different ways to regulate. There are there and there is value in the difference.
SPEAKER_02:Right. And even in how we can, you and I can really. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, because our kids tend to align with both of us in different situations. So that's um, and I mean, I I don't need to spend more time, but uh it's not like I have perfect communication in in my stress either.
SPEAKER_02:Um, but and and so we're here today to remind ourselves, to remind our family, hopefully to remind you, to remind your families, that humanity matters. And when people are treated as less than human, it damages everyone. This process of thinking through what you believe, getting on the same page with your partner, telling a thoughtful story to your kids, and deciding how you will say no is a way to bring healing to the damage that has been done. Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents. And remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.